My weight has been an issue just about my entire life, and for several years my weight was the vehicle I had chosen to use to end my life. I wanted to die, but I could not let the world know it was my choice, so I decided that obesity would be listed as natural causes and not suicide. Fortunately, God had other plans and my attempt to eat myself to death failed. I then went on to use my weight as a shield. I hid behind it. I was convinced that if I weighed enough, no one would expect much from me, and therefore I would not be able to disappoint them. I was also convinced that if I was fat enough, no one would try to get too close to me, and I would avoid getting hurt. I created a prison, not constructed with bars, but with weight and fears.
It was a maximum security prison, one from which I have longed to break free for years, but have not been able to do so. In 2005 I allowed myself to begin a relationship that I knew was not right from the beginning, because I thought no one else would ever love me, and when he did not love me either, I stayed because it was better than being alone or so I thought. I have been miserable in this relationship of sorts for a long time, but I felt I had made my choice I had to live with it, and I had to continue to support him, because I had made a promise to love him. While I do care about him, I see that I deserve better and I can release myself from the promise to love him, as he has chosen not to return the love, and it is alright for me to say NO MORE.
In May of 2007 I began the process of looking into having weight loss surgery. I wanted the lap band, but my BMI was too great, and it would take at least 5 years to lose the weight. The surgeon recommended that I have the Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass instead. Of course there were some insurance hoops through which I had to jump. The longer I tried and the more I researched the more convinced I was that I was not going to have the surgery. I think my depression had reared its ugly head once again and I was accepting that obesity was something I was just going to have to endure; after all I had done this to myself.
In March and April of 2008 I became sick and spent several weeks in and out of the hospital and undergoing many tests. My oxygen level would drop into the 80's with activity, and it even dropped into the upper 80's while I was sitting still, but none of the tests showed anything wrong. I was diagnosed with pneumonia, and then I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, and then another doctor said it was neither of those things, it was that I was fat. He also went on to tell me that I was too fat to treat, and so he was releasing me, and if I still had these symptoms after I had the bariatric surgery, he would look for the cause, but otherwise I should just learn to live with it, and work around it, possibly even try to go on disability.
The one thing they were able to determine was that I have hernia along the incision line from my gall bladder surgery, that was causing some of the inexplicable symptoms I was having, but they still were no closer to finding a solution. I returned to work, barely able to walk any distance at all. I would often feel faint after walking into my desk in the morning, and I would ask other people to take things to the ends of the building, because I could not walk that distance. I was angry. I felt as if my health was being held captive by the doctors. The surgeon would not operate on the hernia until after she performed the Roux-en-y. I finally began to pray and ask God for His guidance.
I was approved for the surgery, but had to wait until September in order to have enough Family Medical Leave available to cover the time. The summer went by quickly as I tried to learn more about this surgery and what was expected of me.
August 05, 2008 I went to a pre-op class in which they talked to us about nutrition and a little bit about what to expect after the surgery. It was in that class that for the first time I realized that they were going to cut about a 2 ounce pouch off of the tip of my stomach and staple it. They were in essence taking my stomach from the size of a football, which is the average adult sized stomach to that of a ping pong ball. They were also going to remove about 2 feet of my intestines and connect it to the new pouch. The surgeon would have to create a hole from which the food would leave my pouch and enter the intestines; it would be no bigger around than an AAA battery. The remaining stomach would stay in place, and would continue to produce enzymes which would mix with the food once it entered into the intestines.
I was nervous. However, the closer I got to my surgery date the more certain I became that this was the path God had chosen for me to go down. I was telling people that my surgery was going to be on Tuesday and I would be back to work Monday. I was only a day off, my surgery was on Tuesday and I was back to work the next Tuesday. I did not have much surgical pain, and I was adjusting alright. I was able to establish a better routine for taking my calcium and my multi-vitamins by being at work. I was also able to develop a better routine for drinking my protein shakes. I have to consume between 75 and 90 grams protein a day for the first 12 weeks after surgery, then I can decrease it. When you can only eat, low fat cheese, grits, farina, oatmeal, cream of wheat, cocoa wheat, yogurt, applesauce, you can't get very much protein from your diet. I also have to consume between 80 and 100 ounces of fluids, which can include, broth, 100 % fruit juice (diluted), sugar free popsicles, sugar free Jell-O, and sugar free Italian ice in addition to water, which can be flavored with sugar free flavorings.
Beginning with my 5th week post-op I have been able to add in meats, some vegetables, and some fruits. Today I begin my 9th week, so I can move up from 3 two ounce meals a day to 3 three ounce meals and I can add additional fruits, vegetables and meat including seafood. I can now eat salad. However, the focus must be on the protein. I have to eat the protein first, because if I get too full and cannot eat the entire 3 ounces, I have to make sure that the protein went in first. This will be the way I have to eat for the rest of my life, protein first.
I eat breakfast, then have some protein mid-morning, eat lunch, then have some protein mid-afternoon, and eat dinner, and have protein before bed. I just realized this is the way I was supposed to be doing it, in order to keep my metabolism properly fueled.
I have access to support groups and a weekly aerobic class that I can attend free of charge for the rest of my life if I choose to do so. They are just additional pieces of the tool that I have been given.
As of October 22, I had lost 60.5 pounds and 6 inches from my waist. I have gone from a size 5X shirt to a size 3X shirt. I have only bought 3 new shirts and 1 new sweater. I am not allowing myself to buy a lot of new clothes just yet. I want to wait as long as I can, and I'll probably go to Goodwill for a lot of them as I slip from size to size until I reach my goal.
What is my goal? That is a question that I still cannot answer at this time. I have been so large my whole adult life, that I can't say at what weight I will look and feel good. I will know my goal weight when I reach it. I know I still have a very long way to go, but I now know that with God guiding me, I will reach my goal.
You see, for years I have loved the saying "Fully Rely on God for All", but I did not give over my weight until this year, and my, how He is working miracles with that. I have been blessed with an easy recovery and a spirit of dedication and commitment to this lifestyle change. I know that more people than I know are praying for me and my continued success, and my success along this journey is nothing short of answered prayer. I also know that many people have been praying for years for this journey to begin. I wasn't ready, and God knew that, and that is why this was delayed until now. I am ready, and I am committed.
There are many people who have a real struggle going forward from this surgery, and some who are sickly for the rest of their lives, and it was those stories that scared me, and made me doubt having it. However, once I decided that this was a path laid before me by God, I made the decision to trust Him to deliver me safely to the other side as long as I took the journey one step at a time, and I know that when I am tempted to eat something I should not, He will be there to lend His strength.
I am sharing my journey with any who ask, because I believe it is evidence of the miraculous work of God. I give Him the glory and the praise for my success, because I know without His strength, His grace and compassion, I would not be working this program as well as I am. He made my heart and mind ready for this journey and He walks with me every step of the way. 
