tired of being fat

Apr 05, 2011

Today I realized how tired I am of being overweight.  I am sick of feeling tired, out of breath and unmotivated.  My back and feet hurt all the time.  I have a hard time getting up and moving.  I have to ask my children to "go get" or "come here"  all the time, because I don't want to move.  Everytime I have to get up my feet hurt, once I walk a while the pain goes away, but I have to move slow.  I am seriously only 40 years old, but I feel like, what I would guess, 60 would feel like.  I still have dreams and goals I want to accomplish.  I want to be able to enjoy life with my 3 beautiful little girls.  Little Jenna is so loving and cute and inquisitive, but she is BORED!!!  I need to be able to go and do with all my girls.  My oldest thinks I am dumb or stupid, which is not the case at all,  but she perceves me as such I believe, because of my weight.  I absolutely know my husband loves me, but.... he gets tired of my overweight "laziness"  He loves who I am, he thinks I am beautiful, but I wish I really could be beautiful for him. "I" don't feel beautiful or sexy or desirable at this weight.  I can't believe I have gotten so big.  I seriously inside my head don't realize how big I am, until I look in the mirror or look at pictures of me.  I don't let pics being taken of me very often, cuz I hate how I look in them.  I absolutely know I have a lot to offer, I have a lot of things and life I want to live.  I feel trapped inside.  I feel like I can diet till the cows come home, but at the end of the day/ diet I am bigger in the end.  I have stopped dieting because I don't want to get any bigger.  I have decided to do a weightloss surgery the duodenal switch.  Through extensive research and comparison I changed my mind from the RNY to the DS.  I did not know the DS existed until reading about it on this website Obesityhelp.com.  As I was researching the RNY I was having extensive doubts of regaining.  I was hearing serveral people talk about regain after a few years.  I did not want to regain, I thought if i was going to go through this extensive surgery I wanted it to work.  I have failed so many other diets that I knew , with the %, I was always going to be the one on the gaining weight back %.  I need that to be as low as possible.  I love the fact that with the DS after 10 years the statistics say 85% of people still have kept off 50% of the weight, as opposed to the RNY of being 65%.  To me I love the different %'s  I love that I keep my pyloric valve.  I love I can use Ibduprophen, the only pain med that works for me. I love that I still can eat relatively normal.  I love the fact it is the most successful weightloss.  Unfortuately with all this it is the most invasive.  Most malnutrition, most vitamins afterward.  I am taking my vits now to get use to it and get my levels up as high as possible before the surgery.  
My insurance approved me to have the RNY.  Now I am just waiting to hear back now that I switched the different type to DS.  I am ready to have this done, nervous of course, but ready for my new life.
I will be exstatic with my weightloss surgery if I get down to 125... I have always dreamed of being 125, but I will be happy at 140 wich is what I am suppose to weigh.  I want to be healthy.  my dad has diabetes.  I am a cookie cutter of my dad.  The DS is the best surgery in preventing and treating diabetes.  I don't want that disease. I am concerned about all the skin after loosing weight.  After having Jenna my abdomen hangs lower already.  I can't imagine how low it is going to hang after all the fat is gone.  It is going to be ugly...but atleast I can have a skin removal eventually.  I already have skin rashes in the folds of my skin. Powder is a blessing.  I will be happy if I am able to jump out of bed and not have sore feet.  I will love being able to get on the floor and play with my baby.  I will love kneeling down and talking to my young children.  I will love being able to kneel in prayer.  I will love being able to serve people without myfeet hurting.  I will love being able keep a cleaner house for my family.  I will love being a cute sexy little dental hygienist that looks as healthy as she talks.  I will love having people take me seriously instead of overlooking me.  I will love being able to ride a rollercoaster with my girls.  I will love being able to love my husband completely. I will love his longing eyes looking at me. I will love being the woman he met a long time ago and have him have a trophy wife and realize he is amazing, cuz he has a beautiful woman.  Being healthy will bring a happier, successful, confident spirit into our home that will change my families life.  I can not wait to jog 5 miles again from the Capitol building to Lincoln Monument and back.  I will no longer jog in my dreams, but get to be healthy, confident, beautiful, active, exciting successful woman.

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