Michelle W.
Years of Healing
Jun 13, 2010
WOW, I have not been here in a while, how things have changed. As I read this page, I realized how sick I was. I was hiding a great deal. I was chemically dependent post op, when I was down to 180 pounds, it was in part to my addiction. Today I am 275 pounds-down from 300. I had to start some medications that caused weight gain and once off of them, the weight I put back on is slowly coming off. My eating habits are not the best, and I am working on getting healthy again. I know I did some damage because of the addiction- and I feel like an ass for it. Then again, if going through all of that got me here- I would do it again.
I have been in recovery for almost three years. I have learned more about myself in those three years than any other time in my life. I have learned to let go of resentments that kept me sick, to allow changes I once fought, and I am willing. Willing to see things through different eyes. I have compassion for others, I allow others to love me and I show them my love in return. Living in a morbidly obese body made me "emotionally vacant". I felt so unloveable that the simplest human touch was non existent in my life. To feel that warmth has been amazing, the simplest gifts provide the greatest rewards.
I married my soulmate and am raising a teen daughter. It is new to me but I embrace it because it gives me balance. I am a student again, pursuing a counseling degree to help others who have struggled as I have, to give them hope and to help them realize the need to do whatever it takes to heal. It is challenging to be in school- I was a drop out, I spent 18 years in a job that was supposed to be a bridge to a better life, well I guess it was- it just took allot longer than anticipated. i no longer blame others for what I did wrong. Instead of pointing the finger elsewhere, I ask myself "What could I have done differently?" It is eye opening and removes the "victim" in me.
If I could give anyone new to this some advice, I would tell them to :
1. Take care of themselves emotionally. Build a support system around you because you will need your loved ones. Learn to ask for help and when you are stable, help those in need. Give back to the world around you.
2. Don't expect the world to know what you have been through. Don't expect a pat on the back for all the good you have done because you are bound for disappointment and that leads to resentment. Resentments are the poison of the soul.
3. Realize that if you sought out this procedure, you were probably in need of psychological assistance for a long time. No, that doesn't mean everyone getting WLS is nuts, it means that we felt a need to eat to the point of obesity and that is not healthy. When one part of us in sick, it moves to the rest of the body, affecting the entire person. There are no shortcuts to being healhty, trust me.
4. Love allot more. It is the simple things in life that truly matter. I have recently lost my niece and if you have experienced loss of a loved one, you have probably felt bad for not spending more time telling them how much they mean to you. Take every opportunity to love someone that loves you. Volunteer in your community, it is so rewarding and you are contributing to society- we need to help those in need, and we all know how crazy this world is. Don't be selfish- be selfless.
5. SMILE- I walked around with a face of stone for many years. It is amazing what happens when you force yourself to smile. Soon it becomes second nature and you actually feel much better, and people around you will reciprocate- Smiles are infectious.
May you find peace in this life!
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I have been in recovery for almost three years. I have learned more about myself in those three years than any other time in my life. I have learned to let go of resentments that kept me sick, to allow changes I once fought, and I am willing. Willing to see things through different eyes. I have compassion for others, I allow others to love me and I show them my love in return. Living in a morbidly obese body made me "emotionally vacant". I felt so unloveable that the simplest human touch was non existent in my life. To feel that warmth has been amazing, the simplest gifts provide the greatest rewards.
I married my soulmate and am raising a teen daughter. It is new to me but I embrace it because it gives me balance. I am a student again, pursuing a counseling degree to help others who have struggled as I have, to give them hope and to help them realize the need to do whatever it takes to heal. It is challenging to be in school- I was a drop out, I spent 18 years in a job that was supposed to be a bridge to a better life, well I guess it was- it just took allot longer than anticipated. i no longer blame others for what I did wrong. Instead of pointing the finger elsewhere, I ask myself "What could I have done differently?" It is eye opening and removes the "victim" in me.
If I could give anyone new to this some advice, I would tell them to :
1. Take care of themselves emotionally. Build a support system around you because you will need your loved ones. Learn to ask for help and when you are stable, help those in need. Give back to the world around you.
2. Don't expect the world to know what you have been through. Don't expect a pat on the back for all the good you have done because you are bound for disappointment and that leads to resentment. Resentments are the poison of the soul.
3. Realize that if you sought out this procedure, you were probably in need of psychological assistance for a long time. No, that doesn't mean everyone getting WLS is nuts, it means that we felt a need to eat to the point of obesity and that is not healthy. When one part of us in sick, it moves to the rest of the body, affecting the entire person. There are no shortcuts to being healhty, trust me.
4. Love allot more. It is the simple things in life that truly matter. I have recently lost my niece and if you have experienced loss of a loved one, you have probably felt bad for not spending more time telling them how much they mean to you. Take every opportunity to love someone that loves you. Volunteer in your community, it is so rewarding and you are contributing to society- we need to help those in need, and we all know how crazy this world is. Don't be selfish- be selfless.
5. SMILE- I walked around with a face of stone for many years. It is amazing what happens when you force yourself to smile. Soon it becomes second nature and you actually feel much better, and people around you will reciprocate- Smiles are infectious.
May you find peace in this life!
Learning forgiveness
Feb 20, 2007
With my parents, it is very difficult for me to let go of my anger towards them for not being the parents they should have been.Without rehashing all the painful memories of the past, I will simply focus on the times they tried to make ammends.
Mother- in your last days here on earth, you told me you were sorry for all the hurt you caused.You said you admired me for my strength, and you knew I would be just fine.I am sorry at the time, I was not more understanding.When I got back to you that day, you were gone.As I kneeled down beside you, I grabbed your hand and it was so cold, just hours earlier it was warm."God, Please NO, give me just a little more time to fix this." That is what I was screaming inside.We wasted so much time.I remember it like it was yesterday, that in a matter of a couple hours, I lost you.I wish I would have turned my car around and came back to tell you it was OK.I know you never meant to hurt me, you were sick and now more than ever I understand.I never stopped loving you through it all.In turn, all I can do is try to do better for Asia.I know that is what you would have wanted.I now that now, you are at peace, that grandma is with you as you watch over us, that you know I am never given more than I can bare,that you have sent the reward for all the suffering.I somehow feel you gave me the family I have today because it was non existent most of my life.I know I have been blessed, and I thank you, for your arms still reach from the stars to comfort me.
Father- Your life is so unique.You came to our country alone to start a new life, and found mom.I know that you loved her, I know you have had many heartaches in life.When you left me alone, I blamed myself.I never felt good enough.I carried that around for years and years.Maybe in your mind, walking away is all you ever knew.You avoided me most of my adult life, maybe you thought out of sight, out of mind.When we last talked, you told me that you know that you failed me.
I must say to you, it is never too late to repair our lives.I may not be a what you hoped for, but I am part of you.Most of the good things I know and remember from my childhood are because of you.When you were there, you did the best you could, and I will always be grateful.You made me realize the element of surprise to a child is just as exciting as the gift.I know you may not want to think about the past, and that is OK.We have now.I hope you come to my wedding, it won't be the same without you, but even if you cannot find the heart to attend, I will not let it consume me.
Mother- in your last days here on earth, you told me you were sorry for all the hurt you caused.You said you admired me for my strength, and you knew I would be just fine.I am sorry at the time, I was not more understanding.When I got back to you that day, you were gone.As I kneeled down beside you, I grabbed your hand and it was so cold, just hours earlier it was warm."God, Please NO, give me just a little more time to fix this." That is what I was screaming inside.We wasted so much time.I remember it like it was yesterday, that in a matter of a couple hours, I lost you.I wish I would have turned my car around and came back to tell you it was OK.I know you never meant to hurt me, you were sick and now more than ever I understand.I never stopped loving you through it all.In turn, all I can do is try to do better for Asia.I know that is what you would have wanted.I now that now, you are at peace, that grandma is with you as you watch over us, that you know I am never given more than I can bare,that you have sent the reward for all the suffering.I somehow feel you gave me the family I have today because it was non existent most of my life.I know I have been blessed, and I thank you, for your arms still reach from the stars to comfort me.
Father- Your life is so unique.You came to our country alone to start a new life, and found mom.I know that you loved her, I know you have had many heartaches in life.When you left me alone, I blamed myself.I never felt good enough.I carried that around for years and years.Maybe in your mind, walking away is all you ever knew.You avoided me most of my adult life, maybe you thought out of sight, out of mind.When we last talked, you told me that you know that you failed me.
I must say to you, it is never too late to repair our lives.I may not be a what you hoped for, but I am part of you.Most of the good things I know and remember from my childhood are because of you.When you were there, you did the best you could, and I will always be grateful.You made me realize the element of surprise to a child is just as exciting as the gift.I know you may not want to think about the past, and that is OK.We have now.I hope you come to my wedding, it won't be the same without you, but even if you cannot find the heart to attend, I will not let it consume me.
About Me
Olmsted Falls, OH
Location
45.2
BMI
Apr 02, 2002
Member Since
