Hill

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Hi, friends,

Just a quick update to say hello and let you know where I am at. I am down 65 months and almost 6 months out. I cannot begin to tell you how I am living my life- it is hard to imagine that I was in such a different space just six months ago. I am dating and enjoying it. Finally seeing myself the way others do and getting to be myself full-time versus just when I am with friends who love me. I am more confident at work seeking to take on greater challenges and opportunities. I am focusing on what I want for myself not just what I want for others. In essence... I am living and loving. Exactly what I hoped I would be doing six months after my surgery date.

I hope that you all are well and feeling whole with where you are at. I am going to jump onto the blog so that maybe I can catch some dialogue to see what you're up to. I closed this to friends only as I was feeling protective of my "secret" for a little while. I've decided that others need to haev access to my story so I will open back up to public view today.

Hugs to you all~
Hill

Hi, friends. It has been a while. It's not that I don't think of you. However, I am ever doing a better job of thinking of me! (Which is a nice change- trust me.) Things are good. I feel healthy, positive and generally in good spirits. It has been an interesting journey. I have had to (or rather- chosen to) deal with other peoples responses to my weight loss, which has been a little hard emotionally. I do NOT think I was prepared for the response of others. I had been more focused on the way that my heart and soul would respond. (This has been even better than I imagined frankly.) I am not sure what my weight is today but I am guessing its right around 145. That is 55 pounds down from just 5 months ago. I had hoped to average about 12 pounds a month so I'm on target. I based that average on the starting weight of a healthy someone on this board who average about the same weight loss, etc. What have I been doing? Well, excercising and hiking for a change. (I LOVE hiking now!!) During the month of March, I was working out with a trainer once a week, which really improved my muscle tone and energy. I cannot afford it this month but will try again for May. What else? Well, work has been going great. I have worked my way towards a promotion and am going to take some classes to develop my project management skills. I feel very excited about this and feel very capable of succeeded in such a role. This feels fantastic. No new love life to speak of but I am enjoying feeling more confident around single men and am trying to work out in my head what it is that I am ultimately looking for in a life partner. Overall, I am in a very good space and am feeling whole with my decision. (As always!) I still see a counselor every few weeks to talk about my process. (Which I would HIGHLY encourage everyone who has WLS to do.) He has been a part of this journey too and allows me to relish in my growth as a person, not just my changed physical appearance. I LOVE MY VSG! Hugs, H.

 

 

 

Wow. It's a gorgeous day in Seattle and I feeling a "spring" in my step. I think I am at 154 and am already starting to live more fully. I went hiking last weekend- 5 miles roundtrip to the top. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I have wanted to hike and run for years but have felt unable to because of my weight... and the boundries I created for myself as a result. Taking off that 46 pound "backpack" has really allowed my body to move more freely. Which is awesome. And brings me great joy. I cannot wait until I can run in a 5k race- THE WHOLE TIME! It will happen. And I will let you know about it. Yah! So... how are things? Well. Good. I am feeling more present in my daily life and strating to create goals for myself that are my own. (Vs. what others might want for me) This feels good and is exciting. It's a bit like waking up adn realizing this life I am living is mine. Good stuff. I am also enjoying excercise for the first time pretty much EVER. It took me a few months to get to this point, but I'm here. I am even going to work with a trainer a little bit this month. I am eager to tighten up my loose skin and see the muscles finally come through. I am heading to Cabo San Lucas for 4 days at the end of April so my goal is to get to a place before then that allows me to feel and enjoy the sun with my friends instead of shaming myself in my bathing suit. Wouldn't that be grand? Wow. Life really is a journey- isn't it? And whoever tells you that you can't change your life is wrong. Dead wrong. I am doing today and each day going forward. I am so thankful for this gift I gave myself!

Hello VSG friends! I just wanted to touch base and say hello. It has been a while since I have posted, though I am known to "lurk" here and there. Things are going really well for me. I am down 42 pounds (had surgery 11/23/06) and am beginning to see the changes in not only my body but my state of mind. I feel "lighter" not only physically, but it spirit. I smile easier and laugh even larder (hard to imagine). I feel more engaged in my life and loved ones (even my cat). Some days are harder than others and I look for my old friend (food) to "soothe" me at night... But on a scale of 1 to 10 with satisfaction in my decision? I would give it a 12. This procedure has changed my life and I am only 3 months post-op. Thank you for being a group that helped me to make such a critical decision in my life. I do not post my thanks as I feel them (hard for me to do personal e-mail at work) but I am aware of the "change agents" each of you were for me in this journeys infancy. Well- I will try to post more on my blog. For now, just wanted to say 'hello'. I hope you guys are well and healthy. HUGS   Vicki made a good point! I always knew that if I wanted to see changes on the outside, I needed to focus on the inside... However, since food was my coping mechanism, the cycle seemed endless. Now I made a command change on the outside, and it is exquisite how things are changing on the inside. This is hard sometimes too. My relationships with people in my life may change a little as one half of the "relationship" changes, but I have to hold on to the idea that if I am authentic, everything will work itself out. Therefore, I am trying not to hide anymore and am working on advocating for myself in big and small ways. I knew that this surgery would be a catalyst for some great self-development, but it was such a scary decision to make since I could not "control" the outcome. For those of you who are looking and new- believe us when we say we were all frightened... Petrified even. I can hardly remember who I was that month prior though. That sweet woman has really been liberated.

I posted a long commentary yesterday and lost it somehow. Will try to re-do it tonight... drat! Hugs.

Hi everybody! I am sorry I have not been able to post lately. Work has gotten crazy as we approach this official accounting "busy season".

I just wanted to say that I am doing okay. I am struggling to get all of the water in that I need each day but I am feeling pretty healthy and enjoying the slow (but steady) change in my body.

The holidays are stressful for everyone and my family is no exception. My old comfort tool is gone this year and I am having to really feel things... like disappointment, exhaustion and sadness. Holidays make me sad cause there are so many challenging relationships within my family. But I guess everyone has that.

Anyway, my wish for you is the same as for me... a new year filled with hope, peace, self-love, acceptance, a bit or adventure, and LOTS of belly aching laughter.

Hugs,
Hill

Hi All! I had not posted again since I recap'd my time in Mexico so that I would give a little update. The scale says I am down 22 pounds and I have a million excuses why (not exactly sure pre-op weight could have been lower, water weight, different scales, liquid diet, etc. etc.) Hey! bottom line is- it's down. Yippee! It has been fun to watch my face change and my shoes are already beginning to feel loose. Ther are moments when I almost burst into tears with happiness having made this decision for myself...

But! There are also the struggles. I still open my fridge every night looking for something to binge on per habit, I guess. And there is nothing in there that I want. And so I have to face that. All of a sudden I feel like I have a lot of time on my hands at night to think about food and what I might like to eat if I had my old stomach. But! I am not sorry that I have to deal with this even if it sucks. It is the only way I will learn other coping skills and I thank God that I have the VSG now to keep me from sabotaging good results.

It is also hard in social settings. I had a company christmas party last week and lunch with my boss. Two events where people who do not know about the surgery are sitting close to me and able to see me not eat. (Or push food around on my plate.) It is hard because I would have pre-VSG cleared my plate and now I have 3-4 bites then have to stop. It's a wierd feeling. And I also have people noticing now, asking "what are you doing? you look great!" and I tell them the truth.. sort of. I leave out the surgery, of course. I am going to a counselor to talk about my relationship with food, seeing a nutritionist to learn about what I need, and generally taking a full life approach to changing my body for good. It's all true... but I still have this little (no pun intended) tool that keeps me from messing up! And I truly bow down to it- it is changing my life with every new moment and I am so thankful I made this choice!!!!! :)

Day 5, on the beach, under a palapa, reflecting.

It is picture perfect. Must be a fantasy. But where is the "bliss reality"? Somewhere in between.

I look out at the wide, limitless ocean... towards me and my life. It's like the ocean in my belly, my self. Limitiless. Without limit.

I once read a quote that said, "What would you do if you knew you would not fail," More than one lifetime could afford. I would love always, and smile easily. Well, with ease..

It's like the sand is the edge, and the ocean infinity. Step out. Step off and release. (gulp)

But that's what this jounery is about, right? Releasing. Releasing the weight and with it the chains that bind me. One foot in, one foot out. What will it be like with two feet in?...

It has taken me longer than I had hoped to sit down and write, but... here goes.

I arrived in Puerto Vallarta in the afternoon on Thanksgiving day. Another woman on my flight was scheduled to see Dr. Joya for surgery- hers would be the lapband. It was very easy to locate the man in the red shirt who held a sign with my name on it just outside the customs gate at the airport. The man was friendly, spoke okay english and made for a gentle arrival into PV. My mother and I waited patiently while the woman who was going to have tha lapband looked for her luggage. (She had missed her original connecting flight and thus her luggage left for PV without her.) In no time, she was back with her bag and we were off to the hospital.

My first impression of the hospital was that it was clean, small, and full of people. The moment we walked in the door, we were confused though. I asked the security guard if he knew where we should be..., he looked at his notepad, searched for my name and did not know. When I mentioned the name Dr. Joya he pointed to the neighboring waiting area which was also the emergency room entrance. We walked through the doors and headed towards the seats. There was a lot going on so I waited then approached the station to inquire about Natalie and Dr. Joya. They were very nice and assured me Natalie would be there in no time. I filled out some forms and waited for Natalie to arrive. When she did arrive, she took me into a small room, weighed me, checked my height then we sat down to discuss the procedure and fill out paperwork. Natalie was kind, very thorough, and we "connected" instantly. Meeting her really put me at ease.

Natalie took me to a room where I would be staying for two nights. There was a nice pull-out couch for my mom to sleep on and a lounge chair as well. The bathroom was large and very similar to a hotel bathroom. I took a quick shower (with permission) and waited for the nurse to come in to run all of my tests. She checked my blood, checked my heart, and hooked me up to the IV. Meanwhile I watched TV and chatted with my mom. I was quite calm and doing well. Simply looking forward to the procedure after all of the anticipation.

Dr Joya came in to see me a few hours later. He has a very gentle disposition, seemed confident, and compassionate. We chatted for a bit, then he gave my arm a squeeze just before he left and that was nice for me because I am extremely fond of personal touch. I liked him instantly. A few hours later (things are a bit less timely in Mexico) I was taken back to the OR. I waved to mom and told her I would see her soon. She was awesome and blew me kisses. The OR was a bit strange to me. Lots of people walking around and talking. I did not have my contacts in so I could not see Dr. Joya, but he came over to me with his mask on and gave my arm a little squeeze. I knew it was him and that made me smile. The lady who but the anesthesia (sp?) in me simply put itin the IV and said, "bye bye" which could have come across as to non-chalant but I did not care. Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovey. Then they wheeled me back to my room where my mom was waiting for me.

Night 1 was not good- I will not sugar coat it. I was up and walkind around just a few hours after they returned me to my room and walked every few hours of the first few days. I was very uncomfortable and in a good deal of pain that first night which I felt was not treated the way I would have liked it to be. In the States, I have always seen/heard of the little button's attached to a persons IV where one can press the button for "more drugs". Not the case in Mexico. They put a mild painkiller in my IV every 3-4 hours which seemed to do nada (aka nothing.) Finally I told the nurse that I needed something stronger and she gave me a shot of painkiller in my right arm. I think it was something similar to "morphine" and it helped me sleep for a couple of hours. The next day I told the doc I needed better pain control and he attended to it right away.

I was released after another night's stay. Dr. Espinoza (Dr. Joya's right-hand man) had me drink this blue liquid than checked the drain to see if it leaked. (Which I thought was cool.) He also smelled the incision area to check for infection and I was clear so they released me after Dr. Joya came to see me again. Dr. Joya told me the surgery went really well and that my incisions were healing beautifully. I shook his hand, thanked him for taking good care of me and left the hospital for the resort shorlt thereafter.


The resort (NH Krystal) was beautiful and more than I needed for a few days of recovery. I walked as much as I could but mostly hung out in my hotel room watching TV etc. My mom was constantly amazed at how quickly I was recovering- sitting up, laying on my side etc. Dr. Espinoza came to see me each morning. He would remove the dressing on the large incision where the drain was (and where they removed my stomach) and he was always so gentle. He would answer my questions and re-cover the incision. I was so glad to have him come see me each day. I would right down any questions I had before he came then rattle them off to him. He also perscribed me some stronger pain meds to take at night so I picked those up at Wal-Mart for a cheap taxi ride from the hotel ($3).

All in all, it was a great experience and I would encourage anyone to see Dr. Joya if they are considering surgery in Mexico. You will need to be a good self-advocate to speak up for your needs, even when there is a language barrier. But his work was skilled, clean, and thorough. Even my accupuncturist who was so leary of this surgery said that he did an amazing job and was very impressed with my recovery. I did go back to work on day 6 which to some may seem too soon. I was a bit fatigued but am glad I did because for me work is a healthy outlet and it made me happy to be back with my co-workers.

I am now adjusting to all that post-op entails. Figuring out what I can and cannot have. Worrying that I am not getting all of my liquids... but relishing in my face and form which are already beginning to change. And SO excited to see what the next few months hold as I am doing well physically and feeling well spiritually.

Will post more soon but wanted to get this done first! Please e-mail me if you have any questions at all.

Well, I am approx. 55 hours away from a procedure that is sure to change my life. I have run the gauntlet of my emotions, so to speak... I have gone from skeptical, to curious, to convinced, to frightened, to collected, to freaked out, to certain, to calm... now to mindful.

I am working on mindful breathing, mindful eating, and mindful walking. I will try to be mindful of my breathing and body especially while I am in Mexico. I will let my feelings come to shore like waves on the beach, then I will gently release them back to sea with a nice exhale of my breath.

I am a bit tired right now... tired of the years of struggle, tired of trying to be something for others rather than myself, and tired of living within a limit- a limit of what I will allow for myself. And so these mornings are extra tough to get out of bed... The pillow feels so soft, the bedding so warm. Like a cocoon, that shelters me from the world. I am tired and want to rest. 

I look forward to the rest and relaxation required after surgery. I hope to do a little writing, a little reading, and a little movie watching. But mostly I hope to be mindful, celebrate my achievements and look out at the ocean, towards my limitless future.

"... Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."