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 Well hello there,

I have been so lax in writing. In my defence I feel like I haven't stopped going in months.
All appointments are done and I am staring surgery right in its terrifying, exhilerating face. I feel like I lived in my car for 6 weeks but I wouldn't change even a second of it.
I have lost 33 lbs. and I feel like life is looking up.
The boys have both been asked to join a training program with the Cadet league and will be gone all summer. I dont know how I feel about that. Super proud of them but also a little sad they are growing up.
I am really going to try and be more diligent in writing so till next time.

Well I have nothing to whine about these days.
I was moved to HRRH at the end of January and had my orientation on Feb 13th.

I have my Surgeons appointement tomorrow with Dr Huynh, the gastric class on the 20th and the nurse/dietician/social worker on the 29th.
Things are going really well all up in here. Hockey season is almost over...yay!!
Soccer doesnt start for 5 more weeks.

So I built a gym in my back room just waiting for the treadmill to get here. The no smoking is going really well some days are a little more stressy than others. 

Kids are all doing really really well and I am pretty much teh happiest girl in the world right now. Little stressed about meeting the surgeon but other than that really good. 

Have started using my fitness pal but am not really consistant at it yet. Doing soooo much better at getting in water. I have gone from no water a day to between 4 and 5 glasses.

Well I will check back in tomorrow after my appointement.

 I know I failed at writing the last couple weeks... 
So holiday season, I ate but I kept it to 1 plate (first time ever).  I ate some sweets and then felt guilty so I am working on that. 
However it was not a great holiday season, I thought that this would be my last "fat" christmas and New Year. It wont be and that makes me sad so I find i eat some more. 
I dont know how to get off this crazy loop, get sad eat get disgusted that I ate eat -some more.
There were some great parts to the holidays my kids had a great xmas and they smiled alot!
Some other huge things happened, I started talking to my sister again and that is very strange. We stopped talking about a year ago and had no contact at all. But christmas day she called and I got to see my nieces...so that was amazing and we are slowly building our way back. 
Well I hope everyone had a great holiday and got all the things on your really wanted list!

 Well I got a lot accomplished today. I finally have a working down stairs bathroom the renos are all done(it only took a year)
So today I mudded and sanded and primed and painted!
Then I hopped on OH and was so happy to see all the posts. It breaks my heart and makes me smile all at once. 
Then the ugly green monster reared it ugly head. Reading all the time lines for people and seeing people reffered after me already having surgery dates! 
I just want it to be my turn....I know I know selfish petty whiner! But I just cant help it! 
I dont understand why Guelph has such a Loooong wait time. 
2 years is too much! I want to be the real me for the girls grads! 
well now that I have complained and looked a fool I will sign off.
Waiting not so patiently for my new life to start!

 Well I am feeling like a GIANT whiner, but I am just so tired of this body and the life it brings.
So I was very thin my whole life. (I was that girl that I now hate) I was judgemental and rude, someone probably should have smacked me in the mouth to be honest.
 Oh how the world turns on its axis. 
So lets start from the begining. I am a 33 year old "girl". I live in rural Ontario and have 4 beautiful amazing wonderful children.
16 year old girls, 15 year old son, and 14 year old son.
As I prevously stated I was very thin my whole life. Under weight is probably the best description. My highest weight was 137 the day I went into labour with the biggest baby. At my 5'10 frame it was not exactly healthy.
In October of 2004 I was in a car accident. It was a very close call. I was comatosed and almost lost my life. I lost my husband and unborn son that day.
After that the pounds started piling on. I excused it thinking that after I was done the rehab to learn to walk again that the weight would drop off.....I was soooo wrong. 
I found I was stuck in this vicious cycle. I was sad and angry and lost and didn't know what to do, so I ate (ALOT). When the kids had something they wanted their dad to be able to go to I got sad and angry and ate. When I missed Chuck and the baby I got sad and angry and ATE. Then I got depressed about my appearance and ate. Hated myself more for eating so ate more.
I tried Herbal Magic I tried the south Beach I tried starving myself and nothing worked, ok well herbal magic worked till I couldnt afford it any more and had to stop and all the weight slithered back on plus 20 extras. So I guess I gave up.
I noticed I was getting bigger and bigger but just didnt care, then last year I realized I was now in a size 22 to fatigued to do anything with my kids.
So I signed up for Jenny Craig.....and that went well for awhile. 
So now here I sit at over 300 lbs and hating my life. I decided enough is enough! I started looking into my options, and decided WLS was what was best for me. 
Talk to my family doctor, who is wonderful and agrees. He put in my refferal and now I wait.
I am at the Guelph clinic so it will be a long one. I look at all these other people who have made the same choices who are moving so much faster and it makes me jealous and feeling petty. ( I am sooo happy for them) just jealous that it isnt me.
Once I made the desicion I guess I just want it to go quickly. 
My girls graduate highschool in a year and a half and I would love to be able to stand with them and take pics, not sneak in and hide at the back like I did at grade 8 grad because I was too embarrased to be seen.
I know that being at the Guelph clinic its a 2 year wait. I am trying so hard not to be a whiner but it is a battle I am losing!!!!!
I have decided to write this blog to vent my frustrations share my accomplishments and make some of the thoughts swirling around my head get out.