HOTTMAMMA
June 24th. 2009........Still anorexic. I am all the way with it. I have all the problems that come with it. I am very much under 100 lbs. I still feel fat. They want remove any loose skin. The doctor told me there was not enough to remove. He thought I was off the wall. Said I need to keep anything that makes me weigh more. My heart rate has been all screwed up. It goes from 70 to 211. I am in a panic attack 24/7. I am on 2 mg. of xanax 3 times a day. I am taking my b-12 shot regular now. I want miss it. I am taking my vitamins now. I am trying so hard to stay alive. My son has moved out a while ago. He is 23. He lives with his girlfriend. She is so nice. I am so glad he found her. My daughter is 18 and is never home much. She starts community college July 15th. she is going to be a radiologist. They are moving along and I feel like I am getting left behind. I don't know what I am going to do all alone. I am not married or have a boyfriend. I feel like I am so all alone in this world. I feel like the big,big world lays on my tiny shoulders. I have moved. I have been here for almost 2 months now. I love it. I prayed for 5 years for God to let me find somewhere to move. And thank you God you did. I can't say how much I love this place.The man on the right of me is a cop. And the people on the left is a nurse and the man is in the national guard and works at a golf course and goes to college and mows my yard. It is about the size of a foot ball field. I had no yart at all at the other place. I can't believe I live here. LOL it is right across the street of the funeral home that I will go to. That was kinda wierd feeling at first. But cool now. Things seem to be doing so good for me. I was out of some of my meds and thought I would stop that I didn't need it. Well I went crazy without it. I was seeing people and hearing voice and music. To me it was so real. I thought the man that raped me at 16 was in bed with me. I had a friend here with me. I woke him up and was screaming and fighting. I was all over the house. I was fighting with him because he said it was not real. TO me it was and I was not going to believe him. Needless to say I am back on my meds and did very well lastnight. I know now that I can't do without it. It was my nerve meds. I am such a nervous person I can't do much I shake so much. I can't even wright my name and read it that it is so sloppy. My upper lip shakes when I try to talk. My body quivers. Went to the hospital 4 times in the last month and 1/2. They said I am in a panic attack and anxity attick 24/7. They upped my xanax to 2 mg. 3 times a day and it is helping me function in life. I can't even go outside or even open the blinds without it. I stay hid in the dark. I ment that in this new house I wouldn't put black trash bags over my windows. And so far I hadn't. At the other place I did. I am trying to change so bad. I went got some muscle build up. I am trying to drink it. Just this week I have lost to under 100 lbs. I like being 110 but seems like I can't stay there. If I go oever 110 I spaz out and stop eating or will eat when someone is around and then as soon as they leave or go to the bathroom I go outside and make myself throw it back up. I have been anorexic 4 years next month. I was reading on the computer that someone my age and my weight that the adverage life spand is 5 years. I am going to beat the shit out of that. I am going to be here a long time. I am trying so hard. I am eating almost every day. If I go a day without eating I make sure I eat the next day unstead of going months and months without eating. The phuch doctor told me to tell him how I feel about me. I said I can tell you how I feel in one work BROKEN. I told him I feel broken inside and out. Even my soul was broken. Life was not what I expected to be. I told him about my life and how I was raped and touched always in my life until I got raped and throwed out. He ask me how in the world was I still here. I have tried so many times to kill myself and someone has always found me and take me to the hospital. I told him I was here by the grace of my good God above. For some reason that I don't know or need to know God wants me here. Who knows I might be here to help someone. I have always worked taking care of people. Worked 3 years in the nursing home and 15 in home health. 2 years in a nutrtion program. lol yeah me telling people what to eat when I sit there 100 lbs. I am not able to work anymore. I have not worked in a little over a year now. I can't stand more than 10 munites. I pass out alot. I get confused a bunches. I will be 4 years out of my GBS on July 5th. time has flew by. I live day one day and one step at a time. I love life now. I want to live to be a old lady. lol I am 43 years now. God bless us all and love your life. It is the only one we will have. And I can say I do understand someone trying to take their life. Someone that has never been there don't understand makes me so pissed off when they say the understand or they don't see how someone can do that. DON'T FUCKING JUDGE unless you have been there. I will leave on that.
AMY JO
October 10th.2008
I ONLY EAT TO LIVE.............HAVING A SHITTY DAY. GOT TO GO AND DEAL WITH THE BITCHES AT SOCIAL SERVICES. THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I DREAD THE HELL OUT OF IT. IT IS POURING DOWN RAIN. GLOOMY....NOT IN THE MOOD TO DO SHIT TODAY. SAME OLD SAME OLD. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A CHANGE IN MY LIFE. I CAN'T SIT HERE DAY AFTER DAY WITH NOTHING TO DO. I DON'T HAVE A CAR SO I AM FREAKING STUCK...........
August 6th. 2007...........Had my gbs July 4th. 2005. Been sick the whole time. Throwing up. In and out of the hospital every 2 to 3 months. But I can admit now that it has been my whold fault this whole time..........I am bulimic and anorexic and bipolar. The day I came home from the hospital I wanted to loose weight so bad and so fast. I wouldn't eat. Then when I got so hungry and weak that when I would eat I would go and make myself puke it back up. It started like one time a day. Then the weight started flying off and I got excited. So I started doing it even more. Well I have done this for 2 years now. I have went and got help. I am very,very under weight......I am very,very sick. One time of doing this lead up to several times a day. Now I have done it so long that when I do try to eat my body rejects food. I have to go in and get TPN fluids. I can't now without dumping or getting sick (not making myself do it) Within the last few months I went and got help. I kept telling my doctor that I was anorexic and said he didn't think so. Well they know now that I am.....I told them what I was doing. To me I still see the fat woman. And I am bone thin. If it was not for a little loose skin. I wouldn't have any weight at all. I look like a 7 year old kid. . My 2 kids kept telling me to eat. My son called me rib cage. He said that was all left of me. I had my guard up so much that I didn't believe the doctor when he said I was dying and that I had to eat. . That was when I went to get help. I love my kids more than I love breathing. I would never hurt or yell at them. This wasn't like me at all. I went to see a phych doctor. He put me on xanex and prozac. It has helped so much. I have not made myself throw up in about 2 or 3 months now. I can see where people was trying to tell me things for my own good. I was abused by a family member the whole time I was a kid. When I turned 16 I was raped by the same family member. My mother said it was my fault. For over 30 years I really thought it was my fault. I held in so much......My mother always took up for this person and said if I told she would kick me out of the house. My mom and dad was nothing but drunks when I was growing up. They was never home. And if they was they was so drunk....In a nut shell they didn't care. My mom would get mad and say I wish I never had you. Well hell some time I wish she didn't either. I am 43 years old now and working and dealing with things growing up. Well when I turned 19 I got married. Was so much in (I thought was love) Was happy. Had 2 wonderful kids. Hubbie became a boss man. We had money. I growed up poor as can be......I was the dirty kid with nappy hair that nobody at school would play with. So I never had friends. And how. The more money my hubby made the more he wanted. He got real mean to me and the kids. He stopped coming home until we was asleep. I got up one night and had a strange feeling about him. I rode to his work and he wasn't there. Accross the street at the motel was his truck........I knocked and him and his boss lady came to the door. He yelled at me he loved her and not me. Well I was still a big woman. So I balled up my fist and broke his nose........He was a huge man also. But he called the cops and I went off my marry way to jail..............I got out the next day and we got divorced. Then 2 years later I started daing a wonderful man. He loved the ground I walked on. I am very,very poor at this time. I didn't get anything but the kids out of the divorce..So I started working 2 jobs. Well it was snowing so I didn't get to make it in to work. My phone rang. I had caller ID. I answered it and they hung up on me. Well I tried to call it back......no answer.........I called my kids and ask them did they know who it was. My son has a cell phone so he called it. He called me back and said it was my boyfriend. And acted strange. Well a while later I called the number and a lady answered. I ask for my boyfriend....She said what do you want with him. I sa
