
iamshell72
It would be easiest to start at the beginning...
HHMMMMM, let's see... growing up, I wasn't super skinny... but, I wasn't fat, either, really... looking back, I think I was just right.
My Mom had struggled with weight issues when she was growing up and I think she was afraid that I would be heavy... Mom struggled with anxiety and was an emotional eater. She yo-yo'd dramatically... with the whole range of sizes in her closet... [When she lost her weight this last time, she offered me her "fat clothes"... I'm not sure if it was thoughtfulness or spiteful... anyway... This time her "fat clothes were too small for me! AARRGGHH!!]
I digress... She took me to my first Weight Watchers meeting when I was in Kindergarten... with her but, she encouraged me to follow the program with her. [I remember doing the Scarsdale diet as a kid and obsessing over how much I ate and exercising until I was sick when I was "bad".] I feel like a lot of my "value" as a human being or "approval" was based on my weight... and I feel like, as I gained weight, that I allowed myself to become dehumanized. Like I'm less intelligent or less human because the scale has higher numbers on it or something...
Anyway, I started gaining a little weight through college. I remember abusing laxatives and diuretics, binging and purging... I struggled with emotional issues and depression a LOT... and had a real poor body image with low self-esteem.
I remember wanting to be invisible. When I started developing into a young woman... about 16-17 when all the girls started dating... I went from 120-130's (5'4") to 180's... I found that I didn't get attention from boys at that weight.
When I graduated college and found that girls my age were getting married... I gained another 50 pounds. I found myself in relationships where I was treated poorly... largely, because I didn't feel like I deserved better... functional people spooked me. Secretly, though, all I wanted was someone to love me. I would love them and they would love me back. I stayed hungry, wanting... I gained 100 more pounds during a 6 year relationship to a cold, distant, abusive guy that (mercifully) ended in divorce.
I remarried 5 years later... after sorting out a bunch of my emotional stuff... but found that I still wasn't "done". I gained even more weight... I'm 380, now. BUT, I'm finally ready to start dealing with my junk. I feel like I can finally let my husband in. I'm starting to feel safe. It sort of scares me... so, the next 2 years of weight loss and unveiling the body I've been hiding all this time will prove interesting.
The surgery isn't about being thin... although that is a desirable side effect... it's about being healthy... healthy inside and healthy outside. Mind, body, and Spirit. I'm ready. I'm ready to love me and be loved.
Here we go!