Julie G.

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Woohoo!!!  Well, my hard work is paying off.  I've lost 4 pounds this week and I'm so proud of myself.  Just needing a little support right now.  It's really hard on me to only eat when I'm hungry.....I tend to have emotional overeating problems. 

I can't wait to see my doctor today.  It is today that I will start my 6-month supervised diet.  I started a little early....but I did it for myself.  I'll let him know.  I'm also going to ask him about taking Phentermine for the hungry  "all the time" feelings.  Sometimes I feel hungry all day....at least more often than I think I should.  I figured if it's not too expensive I'll take it for a little while just until I can get back on track with eating healthy for me again.  Then I won't take it anymore.  

I'm still working on those baby steps.  But they sure are hard sometimes.  They sometimes seem like giant leaps.

Well, I've thought about it.  I know pretty much where I went wrong and started gaining after I had my baby girl.  Part of it was the emotional eating....she nearly died on me.  I was so depressed that I ate and ate.  Then when we finally came home I resorted to eating "fast to fix" foods....mostly sandwiches.  I forgot to eat right and started gaining weight way too fast.

So here I am today.  I haven't lost any weight since last week, but that's ok because I was on steroids for a week for my back.  I'll forgive myself for not losing and try harder this week. 

I'm starting with baby steps.  My first baby step was a couple of weeks ago when I started taking my vitamins again.  I had been slacking on them.  Shame on me.  But i'm taking them twice a day like my doctor told me to do way back then.

My second baby step started about 4 or 5 days ago.....NO MORE SANDWICHES!  At least at home.  Maybe the occassional while I am out and about or at work.  But not at home.  No more.  Once I finished my bread and lunch meat I refused to buy anymore.  Good for me!

My third baby step this week has been to stop buying Diet Mt. Dew's at work.  I used to buy 2 20oz ones and drink both of them.  Now I'm doing water with the Wyler's Light (similar to Crystal Light).  I only drink water at home and occassionally some tea.  So I always drink plenty of water.  I have on two days this week bought a large diet coke at Sonic.  But I'm trying to cut them out.

My fourth baby step has been to try and drink less with my meals.  I haven't been able to completely cut out drinking with my meals....but I will eventually get there.  Baby steps....that's all I can do.  At work instead of drink 20oz drinks with my food.....I drink about 5-10 oz of water.

My fifth baby step this week has been to try and eat only when I'm actually HUNGRY.  Not when I'm bored, upset, depressed, or whatever.  This is super hard for me.  But I'm working on it too. 

And this coming Wednesday I'll start seeing a counselor to help me with my emotional problems.  I'm hoping she will help me learn how to deal with life problems instead of by eating to deal with them.

One step at a time.  I'll make it.

Yesterday I decided to go and weigh myself at my doctor's office.  I knew when I saw the numbers they had to be wrong or I had broken the scale.  It said I weighed 354 pounds.  I had it figured that I was at least 385.

So today I went to the hospital where they have scales that go up pretty high in weight.  I used to weigh myself on them when I was nearly 500 pounds.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I weigh 425.8 pounds.  I felt miserable and ashamed.  I felt sick to my stomach.

Today I started taking Alli.  Maybe not the best choice, but I need something to help me until I see my regular doctor on September 2nd.  When I see him I'm going to ask for an appetite suppressant or something else that will help me lose some weight before surgery.  After all, I have to be on a six month supervised diet before insurance will cover surgery.  Why not start right now?

I ate too much tonight.  I am so stuffed I feel sick. 

I saw the neurologist today.  She told me again that I needed to lose a lot of weight and I would feel better.  I know it's true.  I've got degenerative disk disease (arthritis) and narrowing of the spine which is pressing on nerves.  The last time I had surgery and lost weight my back pain went completely away.

I hate having to tell my regular doctor that his scales aren't weighing me right.  I'll have to tell him the truth about my weight.  I resolve to weigh myself only once per week.  I just hope I can do it this time.

I'm so ashamed of the way I look right now.  And I'm so afraid of next Friday.  I'm supposed to see my ex-boyfriend that day.  He is supposed to show up for DNA testing of our daughter cause I've filed papers on him for child support and didn't list him as the father on the birth certificate.  I don't want him to see me like this.  Oh well.  I can't lose over 100 pounds in a week.  Maybe he won't show.

Last week I went to a seminar at Centennial.  I turned in my paperwork and waited and waited to hear some news as to whether my insurance would pay for a Revision.  I got tired of waiting so today I called and talked to a nice lady named Heather.  She told me they hadn't had time to check my benefits but she would do it herself.  A little later she called me at work and told me that my primary insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield of TN) would not cover the surgery.  HOWEVER, my TNCare Amergroup would, but I would have to jump through hoops and then see if the insurance and doctor could come to an agreement.  I'm hoping Dr. Houston and the insurance can come to an agreement.

I have to show that I've been obese for the last five years, which is not a problem.  I've been obese since grade school.  I have to get a letter from my doctor.  I have to show documentation of incapacitation to perform activities of daily living.  Then I have to send medical records showing a six month diet with a doctor.  I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm not sure if it's been documented or not.  So I may have to wait more than six months to have my surgery.  That makes me sad.  I have to have current lab work done and a cardiac and pulmonary clearance.  Then after all of this is done they will advise me as to when I need to have a Psych eval, nutritional eval and then finally the consult with Dr. Houston.

Let me see.....how is the morbid obesity affecting my activities of daily living?
*Can't climb stairs
*Driving a car is getting difficult due to fitting behind the steering wheel
*Can't walk more than a short distance
*Can't care for my child the way I should be able to
*Difficulty maintaining personal hygene
*Can't work more than a few hours without a long break
*Difficulty getting up when sitting or laying down

I can probably think of more later.

I've been thinking about taking the drug called Alli.  Just to lose weight until I can have surgery.  Not sure if I can afford it or not as money is so tight.  I'm also going to start going to a counselor to talk about my problems and my eating behaviors.  I have an appointment for this Wednesday morning.  Then Wednesday afternoon I go to see my neurologist for my back pain.

I can't wait to have my surgery.  Even though my primary doctor doesn't want me to do it....he says he will support me anyways.  He thinks I should try other things first.  But I feel I don't have much time left if I don't do something now.  I need something that will work.  I've thought about it, prayed about it and researched it.  Revision seems to be my only option.  And God help me if I fail the second time go round.  I HAVE to do it this time and SUCCEED!  I have to be here for my daughter as she grows up.  I have no choice......it's what I want more than anything.