jdubbs2
My Story
Fall 1994
Had some health problem and went to the doctor, when they weighed me I was 3 beans (300 lbs). I knew I had to do something. That low fat and exercise thing worked as I lost 50 lbs. in 6 months. Kept my weight at 250 for 2 years.
Late Summer 1997
I weigh 270 and join the health club that I still belong to today. I exercise 5 days a week and try to eat low fat. I keep my weight in the 270-275 range for the next 3 years.
Winter of 2000 or 2001 or 2002, Who Knows
I am coaching wrestling and I weigh 280. As the season goes on the lbs do also. I feel helpless. I start to exercise less. At some point I do have a complete physical. Doctor is kinda amazed at how healthy I am, my only problem is I am overweight. Both my blood pressure and cholesterol are perfect. I probably should have told the doctor that I piss every hour and that when I got to go I got to go. I joke that I will be in depends by the time I am 45.
Winter 2002
I go to the doctor with the flu. I weigh about 310. I tell the doctor I would like to lose weight. He tells me that diets are doomed to fail. He suggests weight loss surgery, says I am the perfect candidate, I am still young ( 37) and in good health otherwise. I now make no attempt to watch what I eat. Why bother. Diets don�t work and I can just have surgery. Only thing is I really can�t see myself having surgery.
I research Carney Wilson because I know she had the surgery. Find out the cost is 50K and am completely turned off.
Winter 2003
I weigh 320 and have sleep apnea, very bad sleep apnea. I would fall asleep in wrestling practice, could not drive for more than and hour without having to pull over and rest. Then one day it happened, it was noon and I dosed off while driving hitting the curb, good thing I was only going about 10 mph. I had to get help. Have all the sleep test, get fitted for a sleep machine and meet with my family doctor. He asks me what I expect to get out of the sleep machine. My response is that I hope it will give me more energy and I will be able to lose some weight. He tells me again that surgery is my best option. I work out maybe twice a week I am having a hard time getting clothes to fit. I shop at the big and tall stores and hate it. One of the wrestlers I coach makes it to the district finals which are televised. I am on tv, I look terrible.
Spring 2003
While playing in a golf tournament and having a very difficult time walking to my ball from the golf cart (let alone hitting a good shot because my fat is in the way) I tell friends that my doctor thinks I should have the surgery. They sound supportive but I seldom talk about it after this.
I do some research on the subject, not much just a few articles. One article in Men's Health talks about dumping, that's not for me. Do find an internet pop up ad for the Barix Clinic which does the surgery. I send for the free video. I still can�t see myself doing it. But I am eating like a king.
Fall 2003
I might exercise twice a week but once is more like it. I have foot pain from working out and need to rest between workouts. I am still eating like a king. I think I weigh about 330 now, I avoid scales. I no longer coach wrestling. I can no longer get on the mat and do anything . Most wrestling coaches are physical fit, I am not.
Winter 2004
I realize something must be done. I read a book on Atkins. This is also not for me. I determine that I need to either eliminate the option of surgery or have it. I am leading toward eliminating that option. I schedule a consolation at the Barix Clinics in Langhorne PA. This is about 80 miles from my house but only 20 from my older brothers.
Spring 2004
I have my consolation. I am close to 350. I meet the doctor, Dr. Kaczmarski. He explains the procedure and how it works. The procedure is the Roux-en-Y. He mentions two things, one try to lose some weight before surgery. I think to myself, the reason I am here is because I can�t lose weight. The second was something about eating baby food in the healing stage. This totally turns me off. I also meet someone who will try to get my insurance to approve the surgery and had the surgery her self. She explains that because I have few health problems (apnea, gout and shortness of breath) getting approved will be difficult. I leave thinking I will never be back. But if I was going to have it this is the place to go. All they do is weight loss surgery. Everyone was friendly and the place was designed for big people.
I stop at my brothers house on the way back and explain where I was at. He tells me I just need to stop drinking soda, eat less and exercise more. Good plan but I can not do it.
Summer 2004
I am at the casinos with some other teachers and we are at the buffet. There is a fat man in a scooter who is 50 ish. One of my friends states that that is going to be me when I get older. My friends get a good laugh, I just get pissed off as I hit the buffet for the third time. I eat like a king.
Later in the summer I see someone else in a scooter. I think I can not let myself get to that point that I am so fat I can not walk.
August 2004
In late August I have three trips lined up in a row for three straight weekends. Northern Jersey trip will be to Monmouth Park and Yankee Stadium. The second trip is my 20th class reunion, and the third is to Fenway Park in Boston.
I need to buy a sports coat for the first two trips. It�s so easy to find one when you are a 62 portly. The Big and Tall chain did not have a jacket that fit on the rack. Now lets think about this. I can�t find a jacket to fit at a big and tall store. Luckily East Stroudsburg has a big and tall shop that had one that fits. It actually looks nice.
The week before going to Northern Jersey I almost cancel at the last minute. I can�t walk. My feet are killing me. As I am lying on my sofa thinking I am going to miss my trip. I start to get pissed. It is at this point that I decide If I get approval for surgery I am doing it. I am taking 5 Advils every 4 hours for the pain. This is no way to live. On the Friday I decide to suck it up and go. First stop after the hotel is the club house at Monmouth Park. I can barely walk to the betting window to place my bets. I do drink and eat like a king. On Saturday we take a ferry from New Jersey to Yankee Stadium. On the ferry I tell more friends that my doctor thinks I should have surgery. They acknowledge that something needs to be done.
The next weekend is my 20th class reunion. I look like shit. I have a hard time sucking into my size 50 paints but somehow I do. Every time I have to piss is an adventure, and with my bladder I piss every beer. I wonder If I will be able to get my paints back on. I have a good time cause I eat and drink like a king but the bottom line is, I look like shit.
The last weekend I fly to Boston. I am a little slow in the airport. My feet feel better. I drink and eat like a king.
I get my pictures back from the three trips. They conform what I have known all along, I look like shit. Without a doubt I want to have the surgery.
Fall 2004
I get a letter from my insurance, I am approved.
I might work out once a week, I am to embarrassed to go to the health club. I know I need it though, I am having shortness of breath when I go up steps or hills.
I need to have some test done: stress, ekg, who knows. I am not good with the medical stuff. I just do as the doctors tell me. After what seems like a million phone calls the people who did the test get the results to the Barix Clinic. It�s just before Christmas and everything is fine, I am ready to set a date.
January 2005
I get on the phone and it is time to set a date. I am busy as hell doing this special project for the assistant superintendent, the Eagles are on there way to the Super Bowl and and it is cold as hell out. The project will be over the at the end of January, the Super Bowl is the first weekend in February. I can set a date anytime after this. I make a date for the 14 of February, i am going to have surgery on Valentines Day.
Due to twelve hour days and the cold I am getting sick, I don�t want to get the flu so I start drinking a gallon of orange juice a day. I need my vitamin C.
I have my last pre-op appointment. I am not to eat or drink anything after midnight. I have a late diner at 10:30. I wash it down with two ice teas. I get a Mountain Dew at 11:45, hey it�s before midnight. During the one test they ask me if I ate this morning, I tell them no. My sugar level is 265, they tell me this is not good.
I get the Guide to Good Health, my bible from the clinic when I meet the dietitian. This guide goes over all the different changes that I will have to make in my eating. Included is the healing process after surgery. The healing process is the first five weeks after surgery. My bible shows my how to read food labels, sugar is the key ingredient that I need to avoid. The guide is overwhelming. As I read it I wonder how I am going to adjust to a liquid diet. The idea of protein shakes is fine but the puree foods seems very difficult to me. I just realize I will need a blender.
After getting my bible I realize some of the changes that I am going to have to make are to eat slow and eat sugar free foods. I start to try to eat some of the things in my guide and eat slow. Sugar Free Jell-O pudding and Jell-O are two things I purchase. I guess one of the containers is a cup, I am not sure. I find eating slow almost impossible. The sugar free food taste like, well it could use some sugar. Milk is going to be a big part of my diet, or should I say skim milk. I have never drank below 2%. I am thinking this is not going to be easy. Everyone and there brother is telling me what changes I am going to have to make and how hard it is going to be.
I get a call from the Barix Clinic that I need to reschedule surgery. They want me to move it up. I am scheduled for Monday the 14th, the Super Bowl is Sunday the 6th. As long as it is not the day after the Super Bowl rescheduling is fine with me. I now am scheduled for Thursday the 10th. They will call me the day before to tell me what time. The first surgery of the day is 5:45 AM, and these are for people with diabetes. Thank God I don�t have that and will be able to sleep in.
Having read the article in Men's Health about a guy who had the surgery he stated he had a big last meal, drove hundreds of miles to have one last special sandwich. I was told to stop eating at noon of the day before the surgery, some people have big last meals the night before and the surgery gets canceled. I did not want to do this. I just wanted to try to get used to the new eating the best I could.
Weekend before Surgery, Super Bowl Weekend 2005
In all honesty I have not thought much about the surgery cause the Eagles are in the Super Bowl. In fact I joke to myself if the Eagles win I really do not care if I die on the table or not. I can not drink which is not really a problem. I go to a Super Bowl party with some friends, I eat but try not to over do it. I watch the game and realize I am probably not going to die, cause the Eagles blow it.
Three Days Before Surgery
As a teacher I had to figure out some kind of lesson plans for my students while I would be out. I figured three week. I make plans for four just in case. This is a lot of work. I just want to get it over with and have surgery. I work out two days before surgery. I feel great and am wondering why I need surgery. After working out I eat like a king. Question answered.
The Day Before Surgery
I Haven't told my students that I am having surgery yet. When I do tell them I just say surgery. I joke with other teachers that I am going to �rehab�. I eat lunch which is my last meal, A Wawa hoagie with extra cheese. For some reason I don�t have a soda, I have water instead. When I get home from work I get a message from the clinic that I am not to have any sugar today due to my diabetes. I don�t have diabetes. I think to myself as I call to find out what time my surgery is. Surgery is at 5:45 AM, the time the diabetics have to show up. What the hell is going on. I need some sleep.
SURGERY
Thursday Feb. 10 2005
I get to the clinic at 5:45 and check in. I bring my bag and sleep machine. I get up into the bed and start talking to the operating room staff. I explain that this will be my third surgery and the other two were kinda rough when I went under. The first time I actually thought I was dying and I knocked the mask off my head. Two people had to hold it in place as I went under. I don�t remember this but the nurse said I took a swing at her as I was waking up. The second surgery I remember trying to �wave it off� and cancel the whole thing at the last second, fortunately I was out. I told the staff this to let them know, they explained this was normal and that guys typically will act in violent ways. The staff was glad I shared the info so they would be ready, the one nurse commented that she is always ready when guys have surgery. She shared a story about how she has not been hit for awhile and the last person to hit her was an old lady who caught her off guard. This talking really put me at ease, which I needed.
The doctor comes in and starts looking at some charts. I weigh 335, which is down 15 from my consolation. The doctor thinks this is great and tells me how few people ever take his advice and lose some weight before surgery. I am trying to figure out how I did it. He is alarmed by my sugar numbers. They are 168 or something and if they would have been above 190 he would have called the surgery off. He asks how long I have been a diabetic. I inform him that I am not, he tells me otherwise. This is the last thing I remember before surgery.
Post Op
I wake up sore but the pain is not that bad, my voice is week and my mouth is dry. I figure I am in for a rough three days. The hardest thing to do is get in and out of the bed. I also am kinda bed sore. I have a cattier for when I go to the bathroom. About two hours after waking up I am given ice on a sponge to wet my mouth. Later I can start drinking water. I sleep, watch tv and go for a short walk every hour or so. I brought reading materials but can�t focus enough to read. The main goal now is to not get an infection. I have to do breathing exercises and cough every few hours. I have special socks on so I don�t get an infection.
I do not sleep very well because I am scared to death of having the cattier taking out. When I wake up the male nurse is there to take it out, I tell him about I know this is going to hurt. He chuckles as he tells me it is painless coming out, in fact it already is out. He says that if I don�t go to the bathroom on my own within a day they will have to put it back in. He states that will be painful. He adds that the more I walk the more likely I am to have to go. I ask him to help me get up and go for a walk. I piss for the first time 15 minutes later.
The nurses are impressed at how much walking I am doing. The more I walk the less likely I am to have an infection. I do not mind walking because I am bed sore. I do notice that my knee is starting to get tight.
The next day I slowly can walk more and feel a little better. The coughing is painful and I am still bed sore. I can�t bend down or turn my body. Cleaning up after myself is going to be a problem. My knee is tight and I think it would suck to get a gout attack now, guess what, I am having one. Normally I would take a few Advils and nip it in the bud. But now I can�t take Advils.
I leave the hospital with a limp but everything with the surgery went well. I am off to my brothers house for a week of healing.
My Brother Joe's House
I get my pain pills and other drugs before going to my brothers home, I also get a cane.
As I go to bed I am in serious pain, from the gout, not the surgery. Good thing they gave me oxycodone cause I am taking it for the gout pain. The oxycodone are big pills that I need to cut before I can take them. I need to take two for the pain. I have the roughest night so far. I am totally dependent on my brothers family (and they were great) which I don�t like cause I am an independent person. I have a plan. When they go to work and school I am going to call 911, tell them my story and have my knee drained at the emergency room. The medicine that I am taking for the gout is colchine, I have taken it before and know that it takes a few days to work. It also works by giving you diarrhea, that's how the gout leaves your body. How nice. I am on liquids, well I will just leave it like that. Plus I don�t even know how I will clean myself up.
The gout gets better the first day thankfully. I don�t need to call 911, when I tell my brother and his wife my plan they laugh.
I am supposed to walk everyday. I take a short walk, about 100 feet but increase my walking distance each day.
I am on clear liquids. Lots of apple juice, pop sickles, broth and tomato juice. I begin to drink more each day. I start drinking soft liquids which is protein shakes. The shakes are made of skim milk, plain yogurt and protein powder. They taste fine.
I have bought a book but find reading for a long time difficult, I still can�t focus.
After a week I am off to my brother Pats in Hershey. I can walk both walk and read longer, in fact I finish my book. Everything seems to be going well.
2 Weeks Post Op
I meet with Dr. Kaczmarski for my 2 week post op appointment. I take my brother Pat with me, cause I can�t drive and my car is at my other brothers. I hope they give me the ok to drive. I really want to go back to my condo and not be dependent on others, although I am very thankful for my brothers and there families.
I have my first weigh in, I am scared that I have not lost any weight. Well it is hard not to lose when you are living on water, juice and milk shakes. I weigh 311.
Dr. Kaczmarski examines my insertion. It is healing fine which is good. Next he goes over some things from some of the test that I had done. He confirms that I am a diabetic and that I need to see my family doctor about this. He also tells me that they did a liver biopsy. The good news is I don�t have any cancers but I do have cirrhosis of the liver. Cirrhosis comes in 4 stages with 4 being the worst, I am a 3. The cirrhosis is caused by being obese but will go away with weight loss. Dr. Kaczmarski is very pleased with everything but will not let me go back to work until after my 6 week appointment. I have another 4 weeks off school, what a shame. I do get the clearance to drive.
So now I can drive and I am driving from Plymouth-Meeting to the Poconos. One of my favorite things about driving south of the Poconos is getting the modern rock station Y100. As I am driving home I am searching for Y100 on the dial and what do I find but Snoop Dog. Seems Y100 went hip hop, what is up with that. I know this has nothing to do with my story but this really sucks.
HOME
My brother and my niece come up to my place to ski at Ski Shawnee. My niece thinks it is great that I have lost 20 or so pounds. I don�t get that excited because I think to my self, I am going to lose 20 more. Also I try a jacket on and it is tight, my brother and niece notice, so I know I have some work to do.
3 Weeks Post op
I start to eat puree foods. This is the stage that scares me. My Guide to Good Health has many recipes for puree foods, few appeal to me. Two seem to have promise though.
Being Italian and realizing that pasta is no longer an option I wonder what I will eat. How about meatballs. I buy a crock pot to make meatballs and sauce. I like the meatball idea because I have a fat gram goal to stay under. My goal is 15g per meal and 75 per day. I find pre made meatballs that have 15g for three meatballs. I need now to find sauce that is low in sugar. I find Emril�s sauce is low in sugar and more expensive than the normal stuff I used to buy.
I buy some refried bean, chilly with no beans and cheese sauce also. Some of the recipes were Mexican. I like this and buy all the mexican stuff also.
After going to the store to buy all the food to make puree foods I spend over a 100 bucks which is very high for me. For someone who is to eat less, practically nothing, my cabinets and refrigerator are full.
I start to work out at the health club that I seldom went to. I take it slow on the exercise bike and treadmill. My goal is 40 minutes. After just a few trips I reach my goal everyday and am in the 46 minute range.
The jacket already fits better as do many clothes that I have not worn in 3 years. I had some sweat paints that I really liked but out grew, well now they fit.
Everything is going good and then, the gout returns. I spend a weekend in bed with a major flare up. I take the chocolllene for the gout and perks for the pain. This sucks. The gout slowly goes away but never fully. My knee still has a little bit of swelling. I think to myself next time it comes back I am at the doctor. I know there are pills you can take to prevent attacks but I really don�t want to take them. But if I have to I will.
I now progress to soft foods, which means I eat the same things as the puree but I do not have to use the blender. The meatballs are great so I keep eating them. I eat a lot of Slim Jim's and cheese sticks for snacks. I keep drinking the shakes because they provide the protein that I need. My one friend says that sometimes I look �washed out� . I agree with him, there are days that I feel kinda week and light headed. It is a difficult balance between eating enough and eating to much.
My knee is finally better and I am working out again. I think how nice it is to have full motion of the knee. No sooner do I think this that I get another gout attack, not as bad as the last one but I go to my doctor. He gives me some anti-inflammatory steroids, prednisone, and allopurionol to keep the gout from coming back.
6 Week Check Up
I have my six week check up with Dr. Kaczmarski. I weigh in at 281. Dr. Kaczmarski is so pleased. He gives me clearance to go back to work. I tell him my only problem is the gout. He informs me that I can�t take the prednisone that it will give me ulcers. He rights down two drugs that I can take, botox and celebrex. I also need to drink more.
Back To Work
I am back to work! It�s a Thursday so I can ease back into it. I have been off work for 8 weeks. The kids are happy to see me and I am happy to be back. Dr. Kaczmarski has explained how some people have a hard time eating six meals a day when they go back to work. I have access to a refrigerator, microwave and blender. I buy food to eat at school. I will have to snack during the day and drink plenty of fluid. This works out well. I eat South Beach Diet and Lean Cuisine meals for lunch. These meals are just the right amount of food which prevents overeating. The hardest part is not drinking during meals.
After school I go to my doctor and get a prescription for celebrex, botox has been banned by the FDA that day. The doctor tells me he thinks celebrex will be next but he is taking it. I ask him if I should go to a sports medicene guy and get my knee drained. He says to go ahead.
I drive across the street to a sports medicine clinic to make an appointment to have my knee looked at. I get an appointment for the next day. I have some x-rays and then the doctor looks at the knee. The doctor drains it and it comes out bloody and water. This is different than the 3 other times I had my knee drained. The other times it looked like chicken soup, which means it is gout. The doctor wants me to have a MRI because I might have a tear. I need to check with my surgeon if this is ok because I have staples in my stomach.
Having the knee drained gives me full motion of the knee. I am excited an go to work out, I ride an exercise bike and treadmill. I get myself a new pair of sneakers to work out in. I work out the next day in my new shoes on the exercise bike and treadmill.
The next day I have some foot pain. It�s the same foot pain that I had that made me realize I should have the surgery. The pain gets worse. After two days of work I need to take off on Monday. My stomach is doing fine its my left leg that is killing me. My biggest problem is I can�t take anti-inflammatory drugs such as Advil. I do take the celebrex which helps. I go back to work on Tuesday. Other teachers are telling me how good I look, I find it ironic due to the fact that I have a bad limp and walking is a challenge. I make a appointment to see a podiatrist. The appointment is a week away. The pain goes away and I continue to work out. Of course the pain comes back.
I find a podiatrist, close enough to my condo that I could walk to her, its just I can not walk very well. I am under 275 which for me is great because it is the last weight class in wrestling, I made weight. I tell her how I had surgery and have lost a good deal of weight. Before she x-rays and examines my foot she tells me she thinks I have Plantar Fasciitis. Plantar means foot, Fasciitis means inflammation. She feels that my body does not know how to handle the drastic change that it is going through. After the x-rays and examine my foot she is convinced I have Plantar Fasciitis. She injects me with something similar to cortisone. If I apply heat to the foot that will speed up the effect of the injection. She explains how I might may need another shot and make a follow up for the next week.
The foot gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. At my follow up I am fine. My doctor explains how I need to keep stretching but other than that everything is fine. I do not need to come back.
I have my MRI scheduled. It takes about 50 minutes. My knee is stuffed into this machine and I can�t move it at all. I take a book with me but the time goes by fast. It will be a few days until the MRI can be read. I make a follow up appointment with the doctor.
My doctor gives me the news that I expected and was kinda hoping for. I had a tear, I will need to have my knee �scoped�, minor surgery. Funny how as he tells me this my knee starts to hurt. I go home and ice it, walking is becoming difficult. I have missed enough school and want to have the surgery in mid June. I miss two more days of school. I call the doctors office and tell them to schedule the surgery for the first available date. He only does surgery on Thursdays but I will have to take a day off school to meet at the surgery center and go over some paper work. I really don�t care though, I just want my knee fixed.
May 19
Second Surgery in 4 Months
I am having arthoscopic surgery of my left knee. For some reason I am more scared this time than my stomach surgery. While waiting for the drugs to kick in I remember one of the nurses telling me that what he is giving me might upset my stomach. Just him telling me that makes me sick and want to call the whole thing off. It takes a few minutes, and the whole time I am thinking why am I doing this, but I finally go under. I am finished in about a half hour. The authoscopery surgery is minor surgery. I should be up and around in no time. The doctor does it on Thursdays so you can be back to work on Monday. I only miss 2 days of school. But I am still limping a week after surgery. Now from limping so much I have pain in my groin. I try to stretch it out but have problems doing so. I start to think that my knee is never going to get better. Ten days after surgery I start to walk with no limp or pain.
Two Weeks after Arthoscopic Surgery
The doctor shows me some pictures of the inside of my knee (do a google images surgery of �arthoscopic surgery� to see similar pictures). He shows me what is gout, and a small tear that was trimmed. He tells me to keep taking the gout medication but everything should be fine.
June 2005
I meet with the knee doctor again. He tells me everything is fine, that the knee has no fluid in it. All the gout has been flushed out (thank god). I need to keep taking the gout meds but other than that I am fine.
My knee feels great. I have no foot problems and I weigh just under 260. I am working out, both cardo and weights. I can feel my abs, I never knew I had them. I feel much younger, full of energy. I have learned to not push it to much but at the same time push myself. I really feel like I would like to take a jog. Having surgery was the smartest thing I ever did.
November 2005
Well the Eagles Bird is cooked but I am doing great. My knee has stoped bothering me. I am in absolutely no pain. Over the summer I started to play softball. At first I could barley run to first base but after just a few weeks I was moving great. My weight is down to just under 240. I need to hit 235 to say that I belong to the century club but I am down 110 from my heaviest. I am working out like a madman. I did take a jog just after thanksgiving. I have started using an elliptical trainer. I am amazed that I can use it considering where I was a year ago. My love life is great. That might have something to do with the fact that one part of my body is�t getting smaller.
April 2006
Have not updated in a while. My life is in a constant state of change
and mostly for the good. Where do I start?
Well I bought a new townhome. Gave up the 2 minute ride to work for a 35 minute one all the while just about doubling my mortgage payment. Fuck it, I can handle it. I have been to Houston, Pittsburgh, Las Vegas and Chicago. I fit comfortable into a plane seat now. Sleep Apnea, that's a thing of the past. I went ice skating and would have gone skiing but with the new house just did not have the time even if I lived 10 minutes from 3 resorts. Getting ready for softball, bought a glove and cleats. Plan on playing and playing well, not just a 10th guy to fill out the lineup. I continue to workout like a madman. Working out is one of the most important things in my life. I find excuses to workout now, not excuses not to. My body has really stopped losing weight, I weigh 230 or so but I am getting defined. I notice that I am now getting stronger again. I even have an exercise ball and video that I work out to. I really like it. I feel flexible and lean. It kinda blows my mind. I will be ready to play some golf now that the weather is warm. I don�t know how I will hit them but damn I will look good. I sold my fat clothes on ebeBay, hell I sold my clothes that I first bought when I started to lose, they don�t fit now either. I fit into 36 pants, I even learned to spell pants lol. I wear a XL shirt. I never knew this but you can get clothes cheap at the end of the season if you are not a fat as fuck. Who knew? I started to study to become a principal. I never would have even considered this before. For starters I hated wearing a suit and tie. Now I love dressing up.
I have just 2 concerns. I can eat alot, or so it seems. Sometimes
though I eat so little I am reasreassured ; And lastly it seems that I have fallen in love. Now how did I let that happen? That goes against everything I stand for. Well like I said I am changing.
Regrets, I have none. None at all.
