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This is the third month in which I have had no restriction in my band. All in all it's quite dissapointing.  Everything I've done, I've done myself with no help from my band. There are a lot more setbacks as well, seeing as how I can eat anything in any quantity. I have noticed my portions are getting smaller, but not small enough to really make a difference. I do feel good about getting more active  . I bought a bike, and now I go riding with my pals. I guess I've just got to take it all in stride.

Well, my two best friends have now entered our Biggest Loser game. They're one week behind everyone else, but still competing. My mom and I are winning so far, and I hope we can keep those numbers high. I'm especially proud of my brother. He's actually taken to walking on the treadmill! And my hubby has been much better about his junk food intake. My best buds have become workout queens, as have I. All in all, things are going pretty well.

Well, things are getting better. I haven't had another fill yet (that's tomorrow), but I am doing much better. I got up this morning and did 50 minutes of Turbo Jam. I decided to recruit my family for our own version of The Biggest Loser, and we started last night. We are on teams, men against women (my mom and I against my husband and brother). I hope I can give the ladies an advantage. This morning I had some Fiber One and I am about to eat a grapefruit. YAY FOR ME!  Hope I can keep this rolling...

Been away sick for a while, but I'm glad to be back. BRONCHITIS! YUCK! I'm going through a really rough patch right now. I was so full of joy because I was losing weight, exercising, eating right, and taking some pride in my appearance. Then...it happened. One day, just days before my last fill, the restriction left my band, and everything went to hell. I had lost enough weight so that my band loosened up, but now I am unable to feel restriction. It has been just like my pre band life, but worse. I eat just like I did before and just as much as before. I had just reached one-derland, and I was so happy. Then this happened, and now I'm back in the 200's. I was so upset that I called the doctor and explained to them what was going on and asked if I could get another fill. That, of course, was not allowed. I've gone a month like this, and I am so misserable. I see the doc on Thursday, but it just feels like it's not soon enough. I'm afraid that the next fill will be just like the last one...no restriction. Has anyone ever asked the doc for a larger than usual fill? Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers; I'm really needing them right now.

I'm at 200 lbs as of yesterday!!  Should be at ONE-DERLAND in a few days! I was afraid of weighing myself  for fear of disappointment. Now I'm glad I did.

I'm glad to be back again. I have been so busy for so long that I haven't taken time for me. I cut a couple of unnecessary things out of my life, so now I have more free time (including spending more time with my husband) I have walked quite a long road since my last post. Right after my surgery when my band wasn't very tight I went right back to my old habits (the dog going back to its vomit, if you will). With all my best intensions in hand I'd go to all my favorite restaurants, determined to order something healthy. Then I'd spy my favorite dish on the menu and all semblance of propriety would be gone. I'd tuck in and dig in, only to find afterwords that the scale was moving up or nowhere. 

In desparation I joined Weight Watchers again for the 6th time. Somehow in the back of my mind I knew that doing another diet wasn't right, but I made excuses to people about how it was really different this time. I had to do it differently this time, but for real. Something in me changed, snapped, whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure when it happened. Perhaps it was because I didn't want $16,500 of my dad's money going to waste, or maybe it was because I felt myself pushing my husband away out of guilt and shame from my own actions. I was becoming a bitch, and I felt the change in myself accutely. Perhaps that was when God stepped in. 

I can't account for my renewed desire and strength, but I had been praying for the answer to my problems for a while. All I can say is that I voluntarily worked out 3 times last week, I quit the diet, I choose to eat breakfast, I don't even look at the part of the menu with the unhealthy crap, I get to bed fairly early, and I feel happier. I still falter, but now I don't feel like the end of the world is nigh because I ate some salmon fettuccini. I'll eventually master this whole healthy living thing, eventually there won't be "slip-ups", and I can feel that I'm finally closer to that life than I have ever been before. Dreams are attainable for all of us, and I see mine coming true every day. 

PS - I started a fitness group in January, and I'll be taking belly dancing lessons starting Feb. 26. I am also reading "The Way of the Belly" by Veena and Neena Bidasha which is helping me rediscover my femininity, sensuality, and mystery. I recommend it to all you ladies while on your weight loss journey.

Well, my surgery is in less than a month and I am terrified! I've never been put under anesthesia, so I'm really nervous!  I have this fear that something will go wrong, or I will be one of those people that this doesn't work for. I have been reading a lot of things online from people who think that this is the easy way out. Perhaps I'm wrong, but this is called surgery! There's nothing easy about it!  

I saw Dr. Malley today and I got my surgery scheduled!    I am very excited, however it won't be for another 2 months (August 28). I was very worried that somehow I wouldn't qualify. Now, I'm just a little scared about going under anesthesia. I've never had surgery before, but my husband has, so I've been driving him crazy with questions about what it feels like. I've been hearing that the surgery is the easy part, and that it's what comes afterwards that is difficult. I hope that's true.

Well, the seminar with Dr. Malley went very well. There was lots of good information, and I actually got to hold a band. I thought that they would be bigger; I was happy to be wrong. Dr. Malley has an odd sence of humor which I like very much, and I'm glad that I was refered to him. I'll be having my first appointment with him on Wednesday, and I am REALLY excited!  Today I went to see my regular doctor about some pitting edema on my ankles. He noticed that I'd been gaining a lot of weight since I saw him in January. He asked if something was wrong, and I explained that I had been a yo-yo dieter since the age of 12 (I haven't been with this doctor long). I told him that I was seriously considering Lap Band surgery. He looked at me with such surprise, a person walking in would have thought I had just told him I was giving birth to a kangaroo. His words were not surprising; "Wow. That's really extreme. You don't need something like that. You're too young for that sort of surgery. It's all about portion control and a desire to succeed." When he said those last words it was obvious that he had no idea, he couldn't even conceive, he didn't know people like me. He spoke like I just didn't want it bad enough, which reminded me of the typical and ignorant ideas people have about bariatric surgery and those who need it. Ah well, I can't change the world, just myself.

Tomorrow I will be taking my first steps towards Lap Band. I will be attending my required orientation in Overland Park, and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like I've been waiting for this process to start for ages, and now here I am! I'm hoping to be able to have the surgery by the end of the summer. When I get the notion to do something there's no stopping me, and I'm not very patient. I'd get this done tomorrow if I could; I just don't see any point in postponing something if you know it's the right thing to do.