JennyBenny

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I am on a roll!  I was really struggling with getting in at least 3 work outs a week since school started.  I have really been focusing on not being on the computer as much and watching less TV so that I feel I have time to exercise. 

I did Walk away the Pounds 2 mile with resistance band on Monday, Tae Kwon Do on Tuesday and going to do the 2 mile walk again tonight.  

I thought I would be really sore from Tae Kwon Do yesterday-and my back felt a bit tight when I woke up-but feel great.  

I am really noticing how my clothes are hanging off of me.  I keep piling up the clothes that are too big to wear.  Tshirts that I used to think were tight are now almost like night gowns. 

I am crossing my legs more but i can not always keep them crossed because they get sore. 

I believe that when people feel angry, it is basically because they are angry at someone it is because they see themselves in that person/situation. 

I have been spending time reflecting on why I got so angry at a friend of mine.  I can come up with reasons, but it seems like I am missing something. 

This friend was angry at me for 6 days before they communicated it to me on the phone.  I was actually shocked.  I had no idea that they were angry.  I knew something was up because of the distance, but I just thought eh, he wants time alone, or we have spent too much time together lately, or I thought perhaps his partner who recently lost his mom was having a difficult time.  I do not like it when someone is angry at me, and I tend to figure it out. 

I absolutely admit I got angry almost immediately and it eventually led to me hanging up on him.

After thinking and after having another conversation with him later, I could see his orginal point of being upset.  I am still struggling with his method of how he let me know this.  He posted it in a forum, I shushed him-was joking, he responded and eventually said that I did not get it.. and obviously I did not.   Forums tend to have flat dialogue.. to me there are too many innuendo's that can do unnoticed or be thought that they were there.  Way too many opportunities for miscommunication. 

My emotional residue has to be with the fact of what he thought my intentions were.... and he said he did not know.  I asked him if he thought i was being maliscious and now I can not recall his response.  When I made the post it was all about me.  I made it to share what I had done for the day and included a picture of his kite that had gotten stuck in a tree. 

The reason I am posting this here is because it is connected to WLS.  I realize my emotional needs with food and I know I need to formulate a plan and put it into action to be sucessful with this WLS.  I need to socialize more.  I need to be connected more to people.  I need to get out and do things.  After recognizing this, I have been attempting to do more things outside of my house and with a variety of people.  I ended up posting to a forum I had not been to in a long time to reconnect to people I knew from playing an online game with. 

I am also really disappointed that he did not make any other further attempts to contact me and let me know what he was feeling.  How horrible to feel angry at someone for almost a week.  Am I unapproachable?  Am I too direct?  But those are not my issues. 

My issues seem to be: 
1.  I was disappointed that he did not contact me...and I can think of a few times in my life I am not please that I did this same thing.. so I think that is just my own reaction to judging myself.

2.  Anger of him not knowing what my intentions were.  feeling like he did not know me. he did not ask me why... and i think that i am judging him because he let the anger build for 6 days.. and I have done that.. I have allowed my emotions to build up and play with them in my head and in a way enjoyed being that mad at someone.. so again I can see the hook for myself. 

Over the past number of years I have found that emotions triggers for me are like little life puzzles and ways for me to be conscous of my reactions and what they are based in/on. 

I opened an email from him this morning about just forgetting about it and moving on.  I think I can do that, but I am worried that at some point I will have some unresolved issue and need to bring it up.. and again.. is that just going to be an unresolved issue within myself.. so there is no need to even express that.. or could it be just in the way that this whole situation was handled?  URGH

Moving on to the positive:
Ways I am planning on enlarging my world
1.  Take Tae Kwon Do twice a week with my sister
2.  Join Cleveland Yoga and take a class or two a week with friends
3.  Resume going to Socrates Cafe once a month
4.  Resume going to a book club.  Might want to find a new one??
5.  Go out to dinner and or lunch with more people
6.  Investigate taking an art class.. perhaps photography again?

I have two sets of WOW moments in mind.  I have the moments that motivated me to seriously consider having surgery and then those that I have had since surgery.

Before surgery WOW's 
1.  I needed a seat belt extender on an airplane.
2.  I could not close the seat belt in my sister's car.
3.  I  could no longer put my ankle on the opposite leg to put on socks and shoes.
4.  Heck, I could not cross my legs!
5.  I had great difficulty sitting on the floor and would avoid doing it.
6.  I always questioned if I chair could hold my weight.
7.  My 72 year old mother who had recently had hip replacement surgery was doing better than I was while walking!
8.  I no longer fit on the rides at amusement parks.
9.  I avoided going up and down the stairs unless I absolutely had to.
10.  I made up excuses not to go places with people if it involved walking or standing around.
11.  Edema-large painful ankles
12.  NASH-this is seriously what put me over the edge.
13.  I have more than one roll on the back of my neck...that is just so wrong!!!

The new and improved WOW's
1.  I have NO back pain while walking-no matter how far I walk!
2.  I can put my foot on my ankle with out any problem!
3.  I can walk up the hill at Edgewater park with out stopping and with out feeling like I am gonna die.
4.  At school walking up 3 flights does not wind me at all!  (I was so shocked I actually walked back down and did it again to make sure I was right!!)
5.  I can pull what used to be a  tight pair of pants off of me with just a slight tug.

Well I finally had a reaction to food.  I made turkey meat balls and about half way through the first one I started getting a pain in my stomach.. then a pain by my diaphram.. I just did not feel good.  Then the feeling went away.  I ate another small bite and the pain and discomfort returned.  I stopped eating and then the feelings got more intense.  I realized I was going to be sick.  I felt a wee bit nervous, but after I was sick I felt absolutely 100% better.

I do not know if it was a reaction to the food or if it was just not going down right.  It was my first time eating turkey.

Wow, I am amazed  that it is almost 4 weeks since my surgery.  I feel  great.  I have lost 20 pounds since surgery and I can feel it.  I am noticing how my clothes fit differently and how I can now do more things physically.  I am walking 1-3 miles a day with out any back or knee pain!  I am able to put my foot/ankle up on my other knee to put my socks and shoes on!  Just those two things are pretty thrilling to me. 

I do have some challenges.  I am finding I need protein shakes to supplement my diet so I can get in all the protein I need.  I am finding that I am struggling to find ones that work for me again!  I am so sensitive to the smell of them and the texture and taste.  I keep going and trying different individual shakes/products to see what I can find. 

I am just so excited to see what I will be doing and looking like in 6 months!

yesterday I made it through the day.  I have made a list of things or activities to distract myself with when i start thinking about eating.  In a few minutes I am going to the West Side Market which is haven for food.. a friend who does not drive asked me to go and said if it was a problem that he would understand.  Initially I thought no, but then I changed my mind.  I will have in the car a protein shake but I plan on walking around with a bottle of water with those Lime crystals-I love them.  And I am going to make myself proud.  I have got to face this. 

I am charting when I work out and I am keeping up with it.  That itself is also really motivating. 

I have been really struck by how hard it is to stay on the liquid diet.  I feel like there is this beast in me that is taking over.  Right now it is early in the day and I feel strong and good and making plans on how to keep the beast at bay. 

Not sure if i am struggling with the binge eating (which I feel has drastically tappered off since group sessions focused on binge eating) fear of surgery and not being able to eat how I used to, or just me freaking out because I am getting ready to change my whole life. 

I am not questioning having the surgery.   If anything all this emotional turmoil has convinced me it is the absolute best thing for me.

Well i am going to start my liquid protein diet soon and I am attempting to get to one of my favorite restaurants before that happens.  I was supposed to go this week on a day that I had tons of doctor appointments (all of my pre op) but I ended up not being able to meet up with a large group of friends.  Who would have thought that I would not have made it to a 5:00 dinner if my doctor's appointment was at 11 am??? 

I am actually quite disappointed in the Cleveland Clinic for how they have organized the Bariatric appointments.  Let me clarify that.. appointments to see Dr. Schauer.  I have had two appointments with him and both times I have waited at least 3 hours.  That is absolutely unacceptable.  After surgery I will be writing the clinic a letter. 

I have plans to go out to lunch today and dinner tomorrow.  I am really not craving any food specifically and I am not going nuts when I am eating.  I am trying hard not to look at all of this as 'my last meals'  because they are not. 

I am proud that since finishing up all of my nutritionist appointments I have not gained weight and I have been eating out more but also eating smarter (or at least more in control).

I have been constantly reminded that I have a fabulous support system of friends and family.  Every one is wanting to know what to do for me now.. (cooking meals that I love lol) and post op.. how they can cook for me then.  My best friend has been walking with me and just being such a great friend by listening to me go through all of this.

Looking forward to seeing how much weight I drop during the liquid protein and seeing some results on my weight lose graph :)  (I did not know how to enter that my heighest weight was 318 and I have lost 14 or 15 pounds since I started this journey).