jocelyn

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Monday, October 26, 2009
I am almost 200 pound again. I have another hernia or two. I am misable fat again.    

Sunday November 29, 2009
Well I must be doing something right. I have re-lost the 5 pounds I gained in the last couple months and then between last Wednesday (before Thanksgiving) and today I have lost another 2 pounds. I have eaten several pieces of pie, lots of gravy too. Doesn’t figure, but I’ll take it. Kinda funny, I made pecan and pumpkin pie and there more sugar and corn syrup in the pecan pie but I could handle it better than the pumpkin. I have eatten a lot of noodle casserole over the last several months.     

Friday, September 2, 2011
I did write earlier entries but didn’t post them until today. 
I’m on a streak. It’s a no-hernia streak! I did have to have a 5^th hernia surgery in June of 2010. I used my faithful PS surgeon Dr. Zackery in Chicago. Because this is my fifth he knew the traditional approach was not gonna work. This time he did a surgery called “Seperation of Parts”. He cut the muscle wall on the left and right sides of the abdomen and then pulled these to the middle and stitched in place to cover the middle. So far it has been almost 15 months since I have had a hernia, this is the longest time-span I have been hernia-free since my RNY in 2002. I’ll always be careful of the weight of items I carry and stretching but I can do more.   
This surgery I knew going in was going to be a much bigger and longer surgery but I had to have it. This was my 17^th surgery and I have become extreamly upset at any surgery now. I will never have an IV put in while awake again. I can no longer stand them, I admit to “freaking out” now at the smell and sight of an IV. I had to leave my son’s room and was not able to comfort him when he had to have his first IV. I would have been sick all over the floor. A few months ago I had to talk circles around my heart doctor and the hospital where I had to go for tests to avoid the IV. The most common phrase I heard was “we need the IV in so we can administer medicine if you get in trouble during the test”, I told them they could just give the medicine to me in a shot. I don’t have a problem with needles just the IV.  
I was this upset before my surgery in June but yet I knew I had to have this surgery. Then as horrible as I feel about IVs, this turned out to be the worst experience putting one in. I took several attempts and locations. I have a lot of scars on my hands and elbows from IVs so they had to move to my forearm and then that location blew. That bruise lasted for about 5 months and was very painful, it burned and was so sore. Finally they got the one in on my arm and by then I was in tears. No one understands why I can’t stand surgeries and IVs. My hospital stay, I knew was gonna be for several days rather than the customary 24 hours. I also had been told it would be very painful. I was ready for it all and I think handled it very well. The recovery was longer too. I really did have to use the 6 weeks to recover.   
Now back to my weight issues. I have been running 190 to 195 for the past two years. I will loss the 5 pounds for several months and keep it off then it cames back. The holidays worry me and I am very careful then. To lose 5 pounds is so tough! I’d have to starve myself! I would love to lose 40 pounds but it is too much to think about, yes I know to take it in little increments but the first 5 pounds are the biggest to lose. I know I still have the tool to do it but I am me! I couldn’t diet and cut down 9 years ago, I can’t do it know. Maybe the 200 pound mark will scare me enough to do it but I don’t want to hit that mark to find out.  
Since I’ve told so much of my family, I’d hate to leave you hanging. My oldest son has now been married for three years and several months ago blessed us with a new grandbaby, his firstborn. I get along very well with his wife who I call my daughter. I even talk more with my daughter and the kids than I do with him. He has always been so quite. Don’t know if I mentioned it somewhere before my father moved back into my neighborhood several years ago and divorced (thank God!) his wife. My dad is multi-handicapped so I have to do some things for him such as all the shopping and errands too. Then there is my youngest son who still requires a lot of my attention. We always seem to have something to do for him between his job or caregiver or something. My attention is really drawn more to family issues than years ago and I have questioned my job in the last few years. I will be 47 this month and am no way ready to retire but I wonder how much longer I can continue at the speed and volume I have been doing.   I am just so tired doing everything for everyone, but I’m the only one to do it. My husband isn’t able (or willing) to help much. His job is getting ready to increase in hours as much as 50%. He is much loved by his company and is now ready to move into management now. He has already completed one interview and has one to go. He will then listen to what they want him to do and decide if he really wants to accept their offer and the hours it will require. This job will make it harder on me but if he wants to do it, I will let him. We could use the money too. Oh my doggie… Yeah he’s still here. He’s 10 years old and has quite a few health issues but his biggest issue is that he is so spoiled! He doesn’t know he’s a dog and we are supposed to treat him as a baby. His blindness fits into our family well. We now when my dad is over we have more blind than sighed in the house.   
It has almost been 9 years since my RNY and my health is still pretty good. Several months ago I had a reoccurrence of a weird something. I think it’s dumping but no one believes me. It has now happened three times in the last four years. I pass out “without” any warning after an incident with sugar. I actually have sugar everyday but on these times I react different. This last time I passed out and broke my nose on my fall. I don’t know how long I was out as it was early in the morning and no one else was up. The first time I passed out I was alone at work and no one knows how long either. The second time I passed out at home and my husband was there. He was playing a game on the computer and kept calling to me to stay down but didn’t leave the computer. I thought he pushed me down and kept asking why. I was only out a short amount of time. Then I’m fine. This time I had eaten a BBQ rib the night before and I realized after only a few bites the ribs were too sweet for me so I quit eating them. The label said it was 8 grams of sugar for a full serving and I had less than half of a serving. I felt bad but not bad enough to stay home for the evening. I had gone shopping after eating. Then the next morning is when I had my reaction to the sugar the night before. I woke up with terrible cramps and had to use the washroom. I had waves of cramping and then just as it was easing I remember thinking here comes another round of cramps and then I woke up in pain on the floor. I never felt dizzy or light-headed before I passed out. I have in the past come close to passing out at other times but on those times I felt it creeping in and was able to avoid passing out by lowering my head or laying back. The 3 times I have passed out it has been instantly. My doctor and my husband were worried because they said I could do this in a car but I know it is from the sugar and I wouldn’t drive if I felt bad. Those 3 times I have felt different than other sugar dumpings. I am careful of sugar. I eat just as a normal thin person. I would rather snack on a protein source than a sweet treat. My protein levels are good. My vitamin D is low and was recently put on a prescription vit. D by my doctor but I’ve heard this is a common problem for many people who work indoors more.   RNY has lead me to a good time of life. 

Thursday, January 1, 2009
I am resting on the couch with my feet up, in pajamas and it 2:00 in the afternoon. I am also in bound up in bandages, the binder and a drain sticking out of my body. I had my 4^th hernia surgery on Monday and came home from the hospital on Tuesday. A resident who attended the surgery mentioned this hernia didn’t need any mesh, then I about freaked. How could they do the surgery and NOT use any mesh on me? Dr. Z explained this hernia was actually the smallest hernia I’ve had and there was no tension on the fascia (muscle wall) this time and he was able to take the edges and had enough room to overlap the edges of the opening over each other making a double layer over the hole. I knew the hernia was smaller but it was still big enough that I looked 6 months pregnant. I had quit wearing the binder at the beginning of last summer. Finally last Sept/Oct I had to call the doctor and arrange the surgery. I hadn’t been to the office since last winter.  

I went to my pre-op appointment on Dec 16. It is a 45 minute to an hour trip from the hospital to home. That day it took over 5 hours to get home. It was bad weather but the other drivers made it worse. Nobody wasn’t going over 5 mph when we could have gone faster. It was like they were all Florida drivers and had never seen snow on the road before. I am so glad I searched for the washroom before leaving Chicago.   

As for the rest of life … almost the same as before, except about the baby I mentioned last May. The mother lost the baby shortly after I posted that. In the next few months my son straightened up and finally married his girlfriend on 8-8-08. I then became an instant grandmother to her 2 yr. old daughter. I wish we had more time with her.  We do get along great with my new daughter. I am still waiting for another announcement about another baby. They said they are working on it.

I'm going back to my PS for the fourth time for hernia repair.  I have pre-op blood work and to see the doc on Dec. 16.  I haven't been to see him in about a year.  I have surgery scheduled for Dec. 29th.  I am going to ask him if he is the right doctor to do this surgery.  I just don't want this surgery at all.  I have lived with this hernia now for 15 months and it is a pain.  The pain is the muscle and skin, not the intestines.  I gave up the binder last June or July.

Thursday May 22, 2008

I’m not going to forget my journey and struggle still continues.  Weight fight is for life.  I am at about 183.  It has increased a few pounds every year.  I have looked back and it is the fat that is killing me.  I am so frustrated that fat is in all food.  Look at foods from 100 years ago, they weren’t low-fat.  They were real food and that is what I want to eat!  I know I don’t have the same exercise opportunities that 100 years ago was a part of daily life.  I can’t stand the thought of getting my heart racing and sweating.  That isn’t natural either.

My husband is still very happy with my size.  I actually have a dress form mannequin in my office that I keep looking at.  I have it set at the same height as I am.  That really is short!  I measured it and in the bust we are the same.  I am 5” bigger in the waist and 2” bigger in the hips.  The mannequin has a great hourglass form which I would love to have.   I realize I am just a little larger than that shape but I just don’t see myself in that form.  I still and always see a fat person.  It has been 5 and a half yrs since RNY surgery.  That fat image is burned into my eyes and brain and I really don’t see it ever changing.

If you read any earlier post you’re acquainted with Hermie the fourth.  He is pretty big now and maybe that’s my fat look (yeah so I remember the weight numbers too).  I have worn my binder since seeing my surgeon in Dec.  I just do not want another surgery.  I remember everything about the hospital, the pain and the feelings.  I want nothing to do with it.  I especially don’t want the bill.  I will wear this binder, be cautious of how I dress so it is not revealed under my clothes, be hot in it all summer and take numerous trips to the washroom to pull it up and roll it back down over the hips when it curls and rolls rather than have surgery.

The rest of life is rolling along well.  My husband is in love with his job he started last September.  His bosses and corporate all love him.  They wanted him in management within 3 months of hire but he told them he wanted to learn more before accepting that position.  Money is still tight.  We did have to change INS a couple months ago.  This actually freed up a little money.  I dropped my INS and am just under my husbands INS.  My youngest son is doing well at work.  It usually falls to me to take him about 30 miles from home every workday at 6:20am to catch a bus.  Most days he has work to do.  He is still living at home.  His case manager and several others really tried to get me to place him in an apartment with a roommate about 30 miles from here.  I am just not ready to give him up and we are still young enough to take care of him.  He does have a caregiver for 6 days a week and that is a huge help to us.  As for my oldest “child” he is going to be a daddy in December.  I really hope this is a wake-up event in his life.  He has woven a maze of complications and is going to have to unravel them.   I’m excited about the new baby and am going to work very hard on a relationship with the mom.  My son is very tall and skinny but loves big women; is he looking for a woman like mama?  The dog – is doing OK.  He has had several medical issues in the last few years.  He has quite a few allergies and I give him monthly shots at home (too many trips to the vet).  Then he was diagnosed with diabetes and I have to give him insulin shots every 12 hours.  He has also developed cataracts in both eyes and cannot see very well, so he doesn’t want to play with any toys anymore.  I am still working and enjoy it but there is always the risk of losing my job.  I am grateful I have missed on the lay-offs again this year.  I feel very blessed to have this job.

I have had several issues which I thought was age crawling in.
  

I have had since my second hernia surgery in June of 2005, no feeling around the surgical site.  This is quite widespread over my stomach areas.  I can feel the pressure of touch but not the heat of a human touch.  I can poke the area with a needle or pinch it with tweezers and not feel the pain.  (Remember I had the doctor digging out stitches 6 weeks after the surgery and no pain from the bloody mess.)  I suppose this is nerve damage from the surgeries.  Right after the surgery the doctor said it would take as long as 6 months for the nerves to heal.  Eighteen months later I did tell my surgeon, minutes before going into the 3^rd surgery to find the loose ends and hook them back together.  Well the numbness has been there ever since and is about 3 inches wide on either side of the scar lines.  Remember I was cut on a huge upside-down T.  

I am now losing hair.  I have never had any hair loss from my RNY nor any of the other surgeries.  I have extremely long hair and I want to keep it all.  OK I have been going through a very stressful time now.  My husband has decided to change his career and took a $6.00 an hour pay cut to do this.  He is now working in his dream job and doing very well but I pay the bills.   But anyway the hair loss is very concerning to me.  

Then there was another issue of which I am smart enough not to discuss here.  So I saw my doctor. 

I have had my annual blood test ever year since my RNY almost 5 years ago, and I assumed she was checking my vitamin B12.  No she wasn’t!  So on my visit and check-up she did the CBC and many more testes.  The first test back was for the B12, I went in for my first B12 shot last Wednesday.  Now I’m supposed to get these every month.  I don’t notice much difference other than I don’t seem as tired as I was.  Not exactly a surge of energy.  While talking with the doctor, she seems to think the shots will help even the numbness.  I reminded her that area is as far away from the hands and feet as you can get.  (B12 deficiency can result in numbness in the hands and feet.)  Anyway several of the symptoms I saw for B12 I recognized in me later.  I am a very detailed organized person (can’t you tell!) and over the last few years I have had a horrible time staying on one task.  I would start something and then another thought would pop in my mind and I’d move to the other project, then another and have to work on several projects at the same time.  I just figured it all up to age. 

I’ll go back in another month for a follow-up after a few more testes and see if there was anything else in the bloodwork.

Well my husband spotted my new Hermie.  He’s still small.  This time I know just when it popped.  About a month ago while walking past the bed and him, he pulled me backwards on the bed and fell with me and I felt the stretching of my stomach; I screamed in pain.  It didn’t hurt long.  This is the 4^th hernia but I lasted 8 months this time without a hernia.  Before this my record was 3 months.  During the surgery last January the surgeon did use eladerm. 

I still check-in from time to time.  I’m still watching the weight, usually every few days.  It has really been holding pretty steady about 175, which for me still leaves me in the obese section.  I am wearing size 12’s. 

     Well I met with my surgeon on the 2^nd of Jan. and had the hernia surgery on the 22^nd.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  The pain was constant.

     I was much healthier this time around.  I never will have another surgery with a cold.  The doctor was very understanding and knew I did not want to stay in the hospital any longer than I had to.  Surgery was scheduled for 1pm on Monday and I was told I only had to stay 23 hours.  That was true.  I went into surgery about 2 and by 7pm I was in my room.  Yeah there was still a lot of pain.  The next morning I made myself get up and walk.  I was really moving around well by noon and the doctor said I could leave.  I had one drain instead of the usual two.  This time the incision is longer too.  Dr. Z said he used two types of mesh this time.  The one bigger hernia over my navel was thought to be an opening the size of my fist but he says it was much larger.  He removed more skin from the center of my stomach and prettied me up in my special area and even used lipo.  I was black (no blue visible) in that area.  On Friday the drain stopped working and Saturday I called a friend to take it out.  I did check with the residential surgeon to be sure and was told if the drain had stopped working for 24 hours then it needed to be removed to avoid infection setting in.  My doctor was so concerned I had removed the drain he called me the following Monday. 

     I came home on Tuesday afternoon and 2 days later I started working again.  I had told everyone I was taking 1 week off of work.  My doctor wanted me to take 2-3 weeks off.  I put in 24 hours of work on my “vacation”.  I worked at home and stayed on schedule.  I am in the very busiest time of work and can’t stop.  On the Monday after the surgery I came into work for a meeting and my husband came with me.   I now have my heavy backpack on wheels and I’m not lifting it.  I have started asking others to carry things for me.

     As for the binder it has now been 2 ½ weeks and I am still wearing it.  I don’t like it but I know I need it.  I have my first post-op office visit tomorrow.  I don’t see those blue threads he used last time.  His secretary mentioned he may have used dissolvable stitches.  So far what I can see through the tape the line seems to be thin.  I don’t think he’ll take any stitches out tomorrow it seems too soon for me and if they are dissolvable then I hope he leaves the tape intact and doesn’t try to hurt me.  

     My weight; I am holding steady at about 177 to 180.  I watch it all the time.  It has been over 4 years since my RYN. 

          Not much has changed since my last entry.  I am very happy to report I have NOT gained any weight from these latest holidays.  I really was good.  I baked all the cookies and make the candies but I did not eat very many at all.  My dad gained 14 pounds in the last month at my house. 

 

I have an appointment with my old surgeon next week.  I did go to another general surgeon a few weeks ago.  She said she would prefer I see my old surgeon since he would know my body better and that most surgeons don’t want to touch what another has worked on.  I do like my old surgeon I just hate the hospital he works out of.  I am still having pain.  There have been a few times I was in tears because of the pain.  They aren’t sharp pains of pinching just the pain of being too stretched and tight.  I am still broke but am paying my bills.  Just two days ago I have finally paid off the doctor bill from my RNY.  I still have a 200 bill for the hospital from the RNY four years ago.  I’m continuing to pay for the other hospital, lab and doctor bills for the hernia repairs and other surgeries I have had.  

One of my ideas I’ve had and am going to ask the plastic surgeon about is since the lower panni w/ muscle tightening has worked so well, (I am still flat under my bellybutton and over the hips) why can’t he do this same procedure above the bellybutton.  When he did the TT in August of ’04 this is the only area that healed and is still controlled.  The hernias are what have returned over and over.  If he would reduce the skin area and stitch together/tighten those muscles up rather than patch them or cover them, wouldn’t that work?

           I am fat again.  I am gaining and back to obese.  I’ve seen the scale go to 180 but not over that.  I really need to exercise and I THINK about it all the time, but haven’t done anything more. I have told my son we need to get up at 5am, walk and then return home for work, but we haven’t yet.  I have cut back on the sweets too.  It is still the fat food that calls to me.  I know I don’t get all my protein in either.  Lately I’m trying to watch this more closely and making the choice to eat the higher protein foods rather than the higher fat ones.  My husband thinks I eat too much.  I can eat normal now.  I’m not piling food on my plate, but I can eat more than I used to.  I am now 3 ½ years out and I think I eat normal.  I’m eating less than what my skinny friends are eating when we sit down.  As far as the water intake I am so good.  I down at least the 64 and probably double that. 

          Now that I have gained weight the skin on my tummy is hurting.  I had my 1st tummy tuck two years ago, and a revision one year ago.  I think I’m going to pop.  I also have at least two hernias.  I don’t want to go in for repairs until I lose weight and have more money.  I am still paying on all the bills from the last 4 years.  My medical bills are the only debt I owe but it is still a drain on my money.  My last hernia is just over my bellybutton and is the most dangerous.  I am really watching it closely because I know it in a very easy spot to be pinched.  This one is painful.  I have to be careful how much I eat and drink at a time because anything moving though that area of the bowel hurts when there is a lot.  I am eating slower.  I can feel the difference.  I am more comfortable wearing my jeans because this holds this lower hernia in.  If I have to have any surgery right away it will be because of this one.  I had to tell my husband the other day about the hernias because I was in pain.  I have the pain all the time.  I am just going to live with it for a while.   

         My husband does not want me to go back to my plastic surgeon that I used for the last two.  The first time there was no mesh and on the second time he used a product called “eladurm” (sp?).  This did not last but 3 or 4 months until the first hernia was back.  It didn’t show up in exactly the same spot but just two inches to the left.  So I guess I will need to find another surgeon to fix this correctly once and for all.  I just know they will try to rush me in again, just like what I went through three years ago while shopping for surgeons.  That is their first reaction that I need to schedule surgery as soon as I walk in the office.  Why can’t they believe me when I tell them I know my own body and I don’t have to have surgery immediately but I’ll let them know when I do?