6 months out

May 04, 2009

So I'm really bad at this blogging thing. But I just hit 6 months out last week and boy has a lot changed. It's like I hit 6 months and immediately hit a wall, emotionally. I'll admit, since surgery I don't feel as outgoing as I used to. I've withdrawn from my friends a lot. But I can't help it. I've dealing with so many new emotions, a lot of times I just need to be alone. I hope I snap out of this soon, because I'm just not feeling like myself. The smaller I'm getting and the closer I'm getting to goal, the more picky I'm becoming about my body. I look in the mirror and don't see myself 108 pounds lighter, I'm still seeing myself heavier. So when I see photos of myself it's like looking at a stranger. I'm also having trouble figuring out who I am now. I've always been the fun, chubby girl, life of the party. I'm not that anymore, I mean I guess I'm still funny, but I'm def. not the life of the party! I honestly could have taken a year off after surgery, gone home to live with my parents and recover. I'm learning that the recovery is not just physical, it's more mental, emotional. I mean why can't I be happy?? I'm the smallest I've ever been in my adult life. I can walk into any store and buy whatever I want off the shelf. I've never been able to do that before. I'm a size 8 for crying out loud. Never in my life would I have thought I'd be that small. Right now I'm really just craving family time. I need my family, thats when I feel "alive". I really just need this school year to end, so I can have a stress free, responsiblity free summer, so I can focus on my recovery. It's been tough since surgery, I've been sick, I'm injured, I had a death in the family recently and all that is taking a toll on me in more ways than one. I just emotionally can't pour into people like I used to. I need to focus on myself and if people can't respect that, then that's too bad. I hope to take this summer, get back to myself and come back in the fall better than ever!! So here is a little update:

I've lost 108 pounds
I wear a size 8, which is down from a size 18

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