jshishko

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Who would have thought I would have made it this far?  This has been a very difficult road for me.  It hasn't been hard in terms of losing the weight...the hard part is analyzing everything that my hand touches before it goes in my mouth.  Before my surgery I never thought about what I ate or when I ate...I guess that is what got me to the point I needed surgery.  Now, I automatically scan everything I eat.  My brain is always working on how much protein I've had, have I had too many carbs, how much fat does that whatever have in it, when did I eat last, have I over eaten? It's constant and I hate it.  My life centers around food and this surgery.  Why can't there be just one day that I don't worry or think about it? 

I think the surgery has been a wonderful tool for me.  However, I don't recommend the surgery to anyone.  I have a good support system and I'm using the tools to help me change my lifestyle but this has been a very hard road.  There are things that have gone not according to plan and had a few bumps along the way.  But knowing that the rest of my life is going to spent compulsively analyzing everything is very dishearting.  I wasn't prepared for the mental changes.  All the classes I've had to take, none were on the mental.  I know everyone is different but we all face the same things in the changes that have to be made.  I hate spending time standing in my closet knowing I just threw money away because none of my clothes fit.  Yes that is a good thing but when you don't have the money to spend on a new clothes, what do you do?  Yes I shop at Goodwill but that is limited too and being between sizes sucks!  I'm stuck buying leftovers!  At least when I was at my largest my clothes were new, in good condition, and fit.  And all my shoes are too big...has anyone priced shoes lately??? And of course I have big feet so I can't buy shoes just anywhere and Goodwill never has a size 11 or 12.  I went from a 12WW to an 11W. 

Yes I know I'm complaining about good things.  But sometimes these good things are bad.  I guess I just needed to vent.

It's hard to believe that it's been a month.  The month has gone by so fast.  In the beginning I didn't think I would make it to this point, but I did.  I'm 36lbs lighter and feeling great. 

I still worry that I'm not losing weight even though people tell me I am.  I'm scared to believe that I'm actually doing it right this time.  I did slow down on the weight lost because I wasn't exercising yet and I had increased the amount of I was eating but still I was losing on average 1lb a day.  What more could I have asked for?

I have my one month check-up tomorrow.  That fat person inside of me is scared that I haven't done well enough.  That skinny person inside of me is proud of each pound gone.  When will I ever stop thinking like a fat person?  I know I have a lot of pounds to go but will there ever be a day that I look in the mirror and see "ME" or will I always see the old me?

I've finally set a goal.  I know we all of the goal of being healthier and skinnier but there are little things that I want to accomplish.  So my goal is to be thin enough to ride go-carts with my kids in Pigeon Forge WITHOUT the seatbelt extender.  I'll keep you posted!

I spent the night in the hospital getting fluids.  I felt just awful and couldn't figure out why.  I called the dr and they wanted to check me.  I weighed that morning at 360lbs.  The following morning after all the fluids, I weighed 364.  That's 4 POUNDS of fluid.  OMG I was dehydrated. I feel better today and doing alot better. I've started adding in soft protein and for the first time since this started I actually feel like I have eaten.  I'm not too fond of liquids.  I had a scrambled egg for breakfast.  I had 1/2 of a bowl chili.  For dinner I had 4 meatballs.  I'm so full.  But the food is very filling and long lasting.  I've had over 25 grams of protein today so I'm happy.  I feel great at the moment.  I still have a little bit of that "stomach virus" feel to me though.  I know each day is getting better.  I can't wait to see what 1 month post-op is like.