justmerobin

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I went to the university and weighed today.  I can't believe it but I'm down 32 pounds.  People are starting to notice.  On Tuesday night a friend said that she saw that the surgery was really working and was surprised when I told her I'd not had it.  
So far I've not messed up once.  I've only been out to eat a couple of times with Mom (Steak and Shake, Perkins) and once with Monet and Andrew (Chilis) and was able to find plenty to eat.  Andrew and I have been eating here at the house instead of eating out because I can't find a lot where he likes to go(the breweries) and it's just a lot cheaper.  I've cooked the last two times so next time we're going to his apartment and he's cooking.  I keep telling him I bet it's going to be bison and black eyed peas.  I had a bunch of people over Friday night and made sure I ate well before everyone got here so I'd not be tempted to snack on whatever they brought but surprise surprise...it was mostly alcohol.  It was so good to have everyone here.
My BMI is down from 62.5 at the highest down to 54.7.  I've lost 10% what I weighed at my heaviest. I've lost 17% of my excess weight.
I'm feeling pretty good about this thing.  It will be interesting to see where I am in January.
I'm getting plenty to eat.  If I don't eat frozen "lite" dinners I have a hard time getting in the 1200 to 1300 calories.  Yesterday I ate a Boca burger on heavy wheat bread with fat free Miracle Whip and Romaine and the same only with Southwestern Egg Beaters, air popped popcorn, a fat black plum, a banana, two sugar free popsicles (Kroger brand sugar free with the lemonade and limeade flavors) and two smallish tomatoes from Mom's garden.  That was 799 calories and 8.5 grams of fat.  
Anyway...I'm doing pretty well...am doing alright with the decision to wait on the surgery.  It's always there, looming over me.  I'll do it if I have to but I'm glad I've given myself another chance to do it without surgery.

So far it's been much easier than I thought....but I'm sure I'm just fooling myself.  I never really counted fat before...mostly calories, carbs and protein.  I'm amazed at how little it takes to go over the 25 to 35 grams I've been allowed.  I've only gone over one day and that's because I didn't have my little log with me....I just ate at a BBQ and didn't write things down till I got home.  I had a hamburger patty that had been grilled.  It had 16 grams of fat in it!   I'm more careful now and take my "checkbook" with me all the time and look before I leap.  I won't weigh for two more weeks....it will be interesting to see how I've done.  I've been full constantly.  I'm craving stuff of course but so far am able to keep that at bay.  The cool thing is that instead of being handed a diet I'm able to choose my own things....and since I don't eat a lot of meat that really works well for me.  

My ex hasn't made his payment to me this month and I depend on it.  I don't know what he's thinking but if I have to get an attorney and go to court it's going to cost him a lot more.  I don't know what to do about it any more than I have....left messages for him and got in touch with one attorney...waiting for him to contact me by phone still.  I really can't make it without the money from him in the summer when I can't work.  bah

I know a lot of people probably think I'm nuts for putting the surgery off but like Margie, my therapist and my nutritionist all said....if I do it before I'm ready I'm setting myself up for failure.  My oldest son was the only one in the family who was upset about me postponing but I know it's because he's concerned for me and he doesn't really understand about the panic and anxiety.  He's such a fearless kid.  Once ages ago, right after he graduated high school, he and I were at the soccer field watching his brother play.  He had a skateboard and was fooling around, fell and popped his arm out of the socket.  He grabbed hold of a bleacher post and pushed down on the shoulder with the other hand and put it back into place.  He's one tough fella.

I went to the nutritionist at KU yesterday and weighed and picked up the materials she left for me.  She's gone this week because of the holiday.  I'm not supposed to be able to use her services since I'm not enrolled over the summer but she's talking to me over the phone and letting me weigh there.  She uses this:
http://www1.appletree-press.com/The_Bookstore/Healthcheques/healthcheques.htm
It's just like a checkbook but where the register would be is a food and activity counter with all the food values and the bottom part where the checks would be is where you keep count of everything.  Each value has it's own column and the filler is good for 3 weeks.  It looks so much easier than anything I've ever used before.  I went through last night and highlighted some of the foods that I use regularly.  If I lose 2# a week for the next 6 months that's nearly 50 pounds.  I hope I can do that and more.  I had gained 18 pounds between when I had my consultation and yesterday.  I was stupid and had the idea that I should/could eat whatever I wanted to between then and surgery.  What a huge mistake.  I'm up to 320. 

I went to the physical therapy place yesterday to pay for pool membership and found out that if I wait till next Saturday that I can get 30% off if I pay for a year.  It's not a lot more than the 6 months worth that I was going to pay for so I'm going to wait.  I'll just keep using the Gazelle till then.  I can go ahead and go but it's $5 for a single visit.  

After I left my daughter's the other night, after the bbq and fireworks, a kid that didn't know my daughter very well told her that she surrounded herself with fat women to make her look better.  He didn't realize that the two fat women she'd been spending so much time with were her mom and best friend.  My daughter is a really cute girl and doesn't need anything to make her more attractive and her friend is just gorgeous...both are vivacious, funny, outgoing...just great girls.  I don't know what she said to the kid but I imagine he's just a little greasy puddle out in the back yard now.  That poor kid had no idea the hornet's nest he was opening up when he opened his yap.

It's all starting to feel SO damned real.  If I wake up in the night I can't go back to sleep for thinking about the surgery...fretting about it.  I've even dreamed about it a few times. 
I've been reading lots of stories from people who've had the surgery.