Kathyckazoo
Well I've decided to start writing a journal about my progress. I have been overweight since High School. Why does food make us feel so good? What is it about food that it is almost like our drug of choice? For so long I didn't think that I was a emotional eater. But as I look back over my life I realize that the times when I gained weight were.. very hard, stressful, emotional times for me. I suppose I am an emotional eater. I am glad that I now have an option that will give me a tool to start the weight loss process in my life for good. April 30th, 2006 My paperwork was submitted to my insurance company on April 21st. I have MESSA and I have been told that they are wonderful so I am just waiting to get an official approval from them. After talking with my surgeon's nurse we are thinking that my surgery date will be June 13th. Somewhere in that week. I am SOOOOO ready to begin this next step in my life. I have been really stuggling these last couple weeks, because I feel like I have to get all the foods that I love in. I have been eating wayyyyy to much. I think I am in the whole "Last meal" mindset. I really have to snap out of that mindset. But I know that I have so many good days ahead, so I am going to focus on that!!! May 6th, 2006 (Happy Birthday Shell) :} Well It is official! I have been approved by MESSA and I got my date all in the same day!! My date is June 13th. Only about 5 or so weeks away. I am starting to really feel all the emotions from this journey. Someone at work who also had the surgery said to me yesterday, "I was thinking, you are already so beautiful I can't imagine how much more beautiful you will be" That was the nicest thing I have heard in a while. It made me feel so good. I am so blessed because even though I have been heavy for a long time, my mom and family have always told me how beautiful I was. I wasn't raised in a home where mean words were spoken so thankfully I haven't had to endure some of the self esteem issues that others have. Don't get me wrong, I HATE being this size and I think that my weight does limit me in a lot of ways. But I am just grateful that I don't have any major self esteem issues. I do however have a love relationship with food, and that aspect of it and losing it kinda scares me. But I am so ready to get healthy!! So these are the things I am looking forward to: 1. Cleaning my house without having to take a break. 2. Doing all of my yard work in one day! 3. Painting my toes without having to put my feet on a chair. 4. Tying my shoes without a head rush 5. Buying a 20.00 outfit!!! 6. Singing in my choir at church and not feeling like I am about to die 7. Playing with my nieces 8. Being able to get out of my car without tilting the wheel all the way up 9. No more seat belt extenders when flying 10. Running in a marathon with my best friend Susan, with her extra healthy self! 11. Wearing my sisters hand-me-downs and fitting them for the first time since we were kids 12. Walking my FAT dog LOL 13. Learning how to take care of myself 14. Dancing! 15. So many more I can't even think!!!! I was also thinking today how blessed I am that I have an awesome support system. I have only had one friend who hasn't supported me. And that is because I am her only "Fat" friend. You know, I may be big, but not as big as Kathy type of friend. And unfortunately her jealousy has cost the loss of a friendship. But I tell ya, when you go through something like this you find out the people who truly love you unconditionally. Thank God for that!!!! Unconditional LOVE!!!! May 23rd, 2006 Well my surgery got moved to June 14th instead of June 13th... No biggeeeeee really. I am just so ready to get rid of some of this weight, I am TIRED of being overweight! I can't do anything with out being out of breath. Lord, give me strength to get through the next phase in my life!!! May 29, 2006 Well here I am 3 days into my all liquid diet and I am absolutely amazed that I have been able to do it!!! I DREADED having to start it and it is really not as bad as I thought. One of my friends told me that "the first 3 days are the hardest" and I honestly I think she is right because each day it gets easier. I wonder why I don't always use the warrior spirit that is somewhere deep down inside me. I also have decided that I am going to get some counseling even after the surgery. I really want to try and figure out why I have such a love relationship with food. I know that for me part of my issues are that I am not good at preparing ahead of time. So by the time I get off of work I am starving. And since I don't like to cook, it made it easy to stop at fast food restaraunts on the way home. I just went back and looked at my checking account balance on-line and I counted how many times I ate out for the month of May.... Would you believe 25 TIMES!!!!!!!! Sometimes I had McDonald's for breakfast and dinner!! NO wonder I gained 12 pounds!!!! That's in the past though!!!! Now to focus on the things to come..The new ME!! June 1, 2006 Well had my EGD done yesterday, that went fine. I REALLY liked the meds they put in my IV to make me loopy.... That was fun actually. My Grandma calls it the happy stuff and all I gotta say is "you got that right Nana!!!" So I am feeling about a billion emotions right now. I had my Pre-Surgical testing at Borgess Hospital today and everything was rolling right along until someone from the Lab came to take a blood draw from my wrists for my AB Gases (whatever that means) They take it right where your pulse is and the vein that is right there. He told me "There are a lot of nerves there so it will probably hurt" PROBABLY?!?!? OH MY GOODNESS!!!! It was terrible. Then to make matters worse because I was in so much pain and tensed up they couldn't get a good draw so they had to do it in the other wrist!!!! He kept saying, think happy thoughts, No Pain No Gain,.... at which point I wanted to rip the needle out of my wrist and stab him in the neck with it!!!! know he was just trying to calm me down so I had to get over it... Now this will probably sound even crazier, but as I was driving home I saw this lady in her car eating a Egg Mcmuffin. I have been on liquids for 6 days now and that was the first time I REALLY missed regular chewable food. Why in the world that would make me sad, I will never know. I mean I am full from all the protein so it's more a mental-taste bud- kinda thing. Someone PLEASE tell me this is normal.... I am terrified of what is to come, I have never had a surgery in my life so the fear of the unknown has me a little worried. I know that I need to have faith that God will walk me through this. June 10, 2006 Wow this has been a really crazy few weeks. My friend Ennis came to visit me from Dallas. Then the following week my sister came from Vegas. All the time that they were here I have been on all liquids. I had a few days that were tough. One in particular was when my family ordered food from the Olive Garden and ate in front of me. I was drinking my protein shakes like they were my last meal because I did not want to eat any of that food. It smelled sooooooooooooooooooooooo dang GOOD though. OM GOSH!!! In the middle of planning my surgery and everything I have also been planning Champ Camp for my church. Which is basically our version of Vacation Bible School. That runs every Wednesday night in July, so I have had to plan it way ahead of time because of my surgery. I suppose in a way it has been a God send... being so busy because it has helped me to keep my mind busy and not sit around and think about food. 4 more days to go... I am excited, nervous, apprehensive, and about a million other things right now. I keep telling myself... Take it one day at a time.... I'm not listening though! That's all for now! June 12, 2006 So here I am two days before surgery and man I am feeling the end of the road of this thing. I am having trouble sleeping, I can't seem to get my protein drinks in. They are making me feel sick and causing my stomach to hurt. I keep telling myself "Kathy two months from now you will be in such a better place" I want so much to be excited about this but my mind is working OVERTIME!!! One good thing is I woke up at 3:30 this AM and couldn't get back to sleep, so I just laid there and talked to God. I know that he has this all under control. And I know that he will never never never leave me or forsake me. I guess I just need to get in my word and read what God says about me. I did listen to some praise & worship music on the way to work this morning and that really lifted my spirits. I know that I will get through this because Christ died so that I could be whole. This surgery is a huge part of me becoming whole. I know that by his stripes I am healed. And greater is he who is in me than he who is in the world. He has plans for me and I will prosper in his plans for my life. Till next time... JUNE 14TH, 2006 Today is my BIG day!!! I am on to this next phase in my life. I have peace and God answers prayers!!! June 19th, 2006 I'm home... All in all it was not bad. I had impeccable care from the hospital, I even had an angel... Well I believe he was sent by God to comfort me. After I woke up and was in recovery, the first words out of my mouth were "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?" and I was crying and terrified I had made a mistake. There was a nurse in recovery who wasn't even my nurse.. His name was Norm. He came up and leaned down and whispered and said "I know the surgery you had was major, and I think you are brave. And I am really proud of you" I was so unbelievably comforted by that. I know it was a God thing!!! I'm a so glad to be home and on my way to being healthy. Got my drains out, and my staples and I am on the mend. Can't Wait to sleep on my side though, my back is killing me. June 21, 2006 Well, I can not believe how well my new life is going! I am keeping every single thing down, everything is flowing just like I prayed it would. GOD IS SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!!! WOW I have lost 6 pounds in one week which makes a total of 32 pounds lost-- (pre & post surgery) I am praying that God will heal my back and make that stop hurting. That is probably the only thing that bothers me and that is because I am sleeping on my back. I did use the binder to sleep last night and that helped my back somewhat. All in all I am happy that I chose this route. I can not wait to get to my goal weight and be healthy!!! I am on my way...... June 24, 2006 WOW... I am down 10 pounds!! I am so happy that this is working for me! Things are going really well. I even slept on my side for a couple hours last night. I am starting to get off the pain meds--Finally!! It seems like I had a lot more pain, because of my back problems. That's all for now!! June 26, 2006 I am 12 days out and things are still going really well for me. I would say the hardest part is, figuring out how to eat. I am still in the soft mushy food stage and that is going well. I have been thinking about down the road, and that scares me a little. I am such a finicky eater and I hope I can get all my protein in. Thank the LORD for Unjury. I can do that and get in protein. That has been the only way I have been able to get in all my protein. I have to put the scale up and leave it alone. I am only going to weigh myself every two weeks. I don't want to become a slave to the scale. I just want to get healthy. I see my surgeon on July 3rd, and I am hoping he will tell me my incisions are healed enough so that I can start water aerobics at the Y. I'm not working until September and I am going stir crazy. My mind says.... Go..Go...Go... But my body says NO NO NO!!!!! I get tired really easy. Till next time! July 2nd, 2006 Wow I haven't updated my profile in a while. Things have been going well, I tried moving to some solid foods and I made some taco meat and did ok on it one night, then the next night... Well I was on the toilet all night!! Not fun!!! I know that it is a learning process so I will just go with the flow and take it one day at a time. It seems as if Everything has changed. Atleast on the food end, I knew that going in but didn't really understand what it would be like. I still crave some stuff that is unhealthy, but I won't even go there because I do not want to be sick. The good news is I weighed myself and I am down.... 45 pounds (pre-op & post-op) I am very happy about that!! Till next time..... July 8th, 2006 I just got home from the hospital yesterday. I had some terrible pain in my stomach for a couple of days. I went to the ER and they found out that I had some bloood in my stomach along with a clot. In the stomach a blood clot is more like a bruise, so it wasn't the kind of clot that could go to my lungs or heart or anything. Because there was blood in there it created an infection.They admitted me to the hospital for a couple days. So I am on some pretty strong antibiotics. And I am on pain meds. I am however believeing God for a miracle! He is my healer and I know that he will guide my Doctor in making the right choices for me. I am standing on the truth of who God is to me, and I am healed. I have a Cat-Scan on Monday, so I am looking forward to seeing the power of God in this. I know that it will all be cleared up. I will believe and not doubt!!! July 16th, 2006 wow well here it is July 16th already! I haven't posted in a while. Probably because I spent 6 days in the hospital. Turns out I got an abscess right where one of my incisions was. I guess this is something that can happen after surgery. Although I did not want it to happen, it did so now I have to deal with getting better. They had to go back in and put me under and open up my stomach and remove all the stuff in there. I feel a lot better now, just have a little soreness. I am so ready to get on with my life, I wanna go swimming, go out, have some fun but I cant. I feel stuck in this house and I am going stir crazy. I feel like my whole life has changed. DUH.... It has!! I am just ready to be normal, drive like normal people, eat like a normal person, go to church, to the tanner, all the things I used to do before I had this surgery. I know that this is a process and I have to work through it. And I will. Then as if this wasn't enough, I have a female friend (if that's what you wanna call her) who I thought was on my side. I have never had the whole friend drama so this is really hard. But this girl is so selfish, while I was in the hospital she didn't call me to see how I was doing, she basically called me because she needed something from me. If I asked her, she probably couldn't tell me what exactly happened to me this time around. I think she is so jealous that I have had this surgery and I will no longer be her "Fat" friend that all she sees is right in front of her. HERSELF!!! I have always known that she is a trip with other people, it just hurts that someone who I thought was my friend really wasn't. My pastor says that a fool will bring the fool out in you... And let me tell ya it is taking everything I have to not completely go OFF on her. I actually have been praying that God will remove her from my life. With friends like her, who needs enemies????!!!!! I will say that I have some AWESOME friends who have been there for me and talked me through some rough stuff. They sat in the ER with me, came up to the hospital to visit me, called me all the time. It is amazing what a good support system I have. Which is why I can not allow this one failed friendship to affect me. One of my friends told me "Kathy, you have a safety net of friends wll catch you when you fall... the question is will you let them catch you?" That is the hard part, having to rely on someone else for something I have been doing on my own for so long. I believe that that is part of the lesson I had to learn with getting sick after surgery. For the first time in my life there was something that I couldn't fix. I HAD to learn to rely on God to heal me. I do believe that I went to a even deeper level in my relationship with the Lord. I prayed and believed on a level I have never done before. I raised my hands and praised him in the midst of the storm and even though it was scary what I was going through, at some point I had peace. My sister called me crying when she heard that I was having surgery again and normally that would have made me cry but I was so calm. I knew somewhere in my mind that it was going to be ok. And it still is. I know it will all be worth it when I get to my goal weight. My favorite Scripture that I have been meditating on lately is "Cast all your cares upon the Lord, for he cares for you" WOW!!!!!!!! How awesome is that... Such a mighty God would care for lil ole me!!! July 19th, 2006 Well I am down 56 pounds! Still trying to figure out the eating aspect. I don't like the heavy feeling stomach thing at all!! But I know it will get better. July 21, 2006 Well I am finally starting to feel so much better. Today was a good day. I am starting to feel human. I went shopping at Meijers and it wasn't terrible, for the first time since my surgery. My wound from the abscess surgery is healing up really well. I am even packing it myself. I had visiting nurses coming to do it before. The scale is moving so much every day it amazes me. I got on it this morning and I am now down 60 pounds!! (post&pre-op) My clothes fit me so good, I love it. Some of them I can't even wear anymore. I can't wait till I can get smaller clothes that will show off the weight loss. And the best news I have had to report since surgery is......I CAN EAT GRILLED CHICKEN CAESAR SALADS NOW!!!!!! I had one yesterday & today and it went down fine. I didn't eat a lot of lettuce or dressing but I loaded that bad boy with chicken, asiago cheese, and salad bacon. It was sooooooooooooooo GOOD!!!! And amazingly I figured out on my own that when my stomach feels heavy it is hungry. I finally got my protein in and my stomach feels so much better. I am finally at the point where I feel like I can do this. Thank God! Till next time..... July 30th, 2006 The weight is not coming off like I would like it to. I have only lost 3 pounds in a week and it is driving me crazy. I know I HAVE to stop weighing myself every single day. But I think I have become a slave to the scale. On a good note, it seems that everything I eat I am tolerating really well. THANK GOD!!!! I also tried on my skinny jeans. I haven't wore them in years and I decided to try them on and DRUMROLL....... They were to BIG!!!! I couldn't believe it. So I wore them to church today along with a size 18/20 shirt. Everyone was so blown away at how I look. It is a great feeling. August 4, 2006 When I set out to change my life and have Gastric Bypass Surgery there were so many things that I thought of. Mostly good things. Like I will look so cute in smaller clothes, maybe a more skinny me would attract a husband, the thought of walking without being tired, not hiding anymore... allowing the real Kathy to come out. I knew that it would be hard and tonight for some reason I am feeling the hard side of this. Everyday I think I am going to get up and get all my protein in and then before you know it, I end up at the end of the night with only 30-40 grams of protein in. Try as I may, I can't seem to get it in. Then I wonder why the scale isn't moving!??!?! I keep asking God why did I have to have my stomach cut and things re-routed to control what I put in my mouth. I want to be proud that I took this step, as major as it was, to be healthy. However, when I don't do what I need to do... Like get in my protein, vitamins, exercise, etc... I feel like such a failure. It is almost like I sabotage anything good that I do for myself with this belief that somehow I will fail at this "diet" attempt too. I am terrified of going back to old eating habits, yet pizza and McDonald's sound so tempting. I am a Christian I know how to believe God, how to pray, and how to make the enemy go away. Yet in this there is something that always makes me feel like I will fail at this too. My pastor always says "when the devil attacks you.. FIGHT back" and I so want to fight back, but the word fail just keeps popping in my head. I get on the scale everyday, and it will not move and instead of seeing the number 243 everyday, I see FAIL!!! It is just silly really, I mean if I could go through with my first surgery in my life being Gastric Bypass Surgery... I can do anything. I have been healed from a nasty infection, I have so much going in the right direction that I need to jump on board and do this. I need to LEARN that I have a warrior spirit.... I really do somewhere deep down inside me. I have always been a fighter, in life in general. I can honestly say that the thing I give up on and don't fight for is my health. Well tonight, that will change. I will keep telling myself tomorrow will be better, even if I miss it and don't do what I am supposed to do. I will fight for once in my life this belief that I will fail. I am a overcomer!! Thanks for reading my profile and letting me vent...Writing for me is therapeutic! Well It has been a while since I have updated my profile. Things are going well still. I had a CT-Scan done Friday. My surgeon wants to make sure that I the infection is completely gone. I still have some swelling and hardness around the area where the abscess is. I am praying for total and complete healing. The scale still hasn't moved and that is extremely frustrating. I do think I may be losing inches though. I am now up to 30 minutes on the treadmill, not bad considering I could only do about 10 minutes at the beginning of my journey. I went to the fair on Saturday and walked around for about 4 hours. I was tired but not exhausted like before. In fact I never would have went to the fair before because I knew walking around would be a major issue. I am still not getting in all my protein, maybe about 50 grams a day. I am however, getting in my vitamins and getting better on water. I will get there though. It seems that everyday does get easier. I have become addicted to salads and SF Popsicles. OM GOODNESS!!! I have found that if I am really thirsty after I eat, I will have a Popsicle and it kills that extreme thirst. Plus the orange, grape, and red flavor kinda makes me think I am having something fruity like the pop that I used to have pre-op. In some crazy way it is almost like drinking a pop. I will keep popsicles in my house that's for sure. I NEVER ate them before, I was all about the cake and ice cream. It's funny how when you make change happen, it really is not so bad once you master it. And the biggest thing food wise is that I seem to tolerate EVERYTHING really well.(except hard boiled, deviled, and scrambled eggs.) I haven't ate anything with sugar and don't plan on it. But everything else is staying down and agreeing with me. I thank God for that. I don't know what I would do if I had some of the problems others have had. Well that's all for now!! God Bless!!! Well not a whole lot to post. I still have this infection in my stomach where one of my lap sites is at. It isn't painful but I know it is there. I am getting really frustrated with it, because it should be gone by now. I am praying every day for healing. The scale still is being stubborn, even though I know I am losing inches. My clothes are getting really way too big for me now. I go back to work on Monday and I am really looking forward to seeing all my friends at work. Thats all for now... August 26th, 2006 Praise God the scale finally moved! I am now down 71 pounds!!! OHHHHH yaaaaa!!! Thats all! The scale is still moving!! WOOOOOHOOOOOO!! I am now down 75 pounds. I guess people are right, stalls don't last that long. Thank God! I went back to work this week and everyone was blown away with my weight loss. I went down 2 sizes in my work shirts. That was nice to get to exchange my larger shirts for smaller ones. On a not so positive note, there is still some issues in that area where I had the abscess. Apparently there is a collection of fluid so I have to have a CT-guided drain procedure. I guess they will drain it with a needle. Just what I am looking forward to, MORE NEEDLES!!! BUT I am praying that God will heal me and I wont have to go through anymore of this crap. I am grateful though, I am otherwise healthy. I tolerate everything I eat and I am able to eat more now, so I am doing better at getting in my calories & protein. I know that even despite the set backs, this is the best thing I have EVER done for myself. Till next time...... September, 9th 2006 Wow it's September already. My how time flys! I haven't updated in a while, so here goes.... I am now down 79 pounds. Starting to think I may hit the 100 pound mark by my 6 month anniversary. Who knows. I hardly ever weigh myself like I used to. I get on the scale about once a week now. I got really frustrated a while ago, because the scaled would not move. I even thought maybe it was broke! But I got my calories up there, and got more protein in and it started moving like crazy. I think once my body realized I wasn't starving it.... It let go of some weight! FINALLY!!!! I went back to driving this week, one of my parents got on the bus and he was like "My God have you lost some serious weight" I mean he was blown away. It felt so good! Then his wife saw me the next day and she was like " I thought Jordan (their daughter) had a different bus driver this year, I didn't recognize you" It has been so different than what I thought it would be, I am very proud of myself and at times I am terrified of any complications down the road. I read the main OH message boards alot and some of the problems people have on their scare the hell out of me! But I know that Jesus is my healer, he has brought me this far and he won't leave me now. I still have a area of fluid build up that I have to have drained on the 21st, however I think that it has resolved itself because I have hardly any pain in that area and there isn't a lump there anymore. So we will see. Not looking forward to having a big needled poked in my stomach AGAIN!!! So I am praying that when I go in there will be nothing there to drain. Well that's all for now.... October 29, 2006 Man how time flies! Well I have been on a LONGGGGGG Stall as far as the stupid scale goes. I think I am losing in inches though. I am now in a size 16 jeans and size 1x shirts. I tried on a size 14 the other day and they fit! I just stood there looking in the mirror like... NO WAY!!!! For the most part things are going well, I was in the ER for 2 days straight. My potasium levels were really low and it caused me to get migraines. So I am now working on eating a Banana a day. Hopefully that will help.
