Jan 31, 2024
How am I a month into this Journey? Holy cow... It is crazy. I am still doing it.Why am I crying over not losing weight this week? I have included a keto tortilla lol. Yay. Just a different flavor is nice. This week I did not lose any weight. I am super bumbed. But I have started riding my stationary bike and doing a quick little work out. I have to tell myself we are doing it. I HATE working out. But I HATE the size I am at now. I have to change. I do HATE change. But this is for my health. UGH. I wish I didn't get this fat. I wish I didn't let my self go. I guess it is better starting this change at 36 then when I am older. I mean no offense to those that have gone through the change later in life. I just want to be married before I am 40 lol. What a week. At least the food noise is a little more quieter. Thank goodness. I just really have to push through. It is a challenge. But I know if I want something I go for it. I am 5 weeks post op. I just want to be losing so much weight it is not even funny. I feel like I have been given a gift and I do not want to blow it. This is a gift to finally get it right. To finally feel like I can be a woman. And not someone that hides. I want to get my spark back. But am I scared. Yes I am. Being the weight I am seems to be my comfort.
I am watching a show. I just got into it. Called "This Is Us." I can relate to the character Kate. I guess because my name is Katie. Sometimes I go by Kate. The character in the show is overweight just like me.She has almost the same realtionship with my mom. I am sometimes not kind to my mom. And I also am jealous of my mom. SHE is Beautiful. My mom is way stronger than I am. She never seems to be afarid. ( Maybe my next blog will be about how I feel in relation to my mom) Turns to food just like me. Has the same kind of issues. Her brother(s) in the show are more succesfull. My brother is AMAZING. I love and look up to him so much. I just know that he is way smarter then me. He has everything I want. He is married and has great friendship. I just want a great guy. I will admit I am jealous of my brother. I feel like he is Changing. I am staying the same. That is why I wanted this surgery. I want this change. But I am also scared of change. I am scared that I will lose the weight and nothing will have changed. I will discover that the person I have always been is who I truly am. Not saying I am a bad person. But what if I cannot find a decent man. I tend to attract the werridos. What if the dreams I have had, of the life I hope to have are nothing more then lies I have told myself. I know I need to learn to love myself. This is hard.
Right now I am still not seeing anyone. Not even my best friend. I want to really shock people when they finally see me. But at this rate, It will be months. I do not know what I did wrong. I am just so dissapointed. I literally cried today. I have never cried over my weight. Because in the past when I had gained I knew why. I was eating. Duh. I would lose weight and think " yay I lost 2 pounds, lets celebrate" I would go out and get Chipolte. And EAT. Then I would gain, and yeah I would be dissapointed. Then I would eat. It was a vicious cycle. Now with the surgery. I paid for this out of pocket. I do not want to ruin this. I want to do well with this journey. This is so hard mentally.
I am hoping this is just a hurdel. I will get through this.