KimmieD87
One heck of a long-winded intro!
Aug 24, 2017
Though I am new to Obesity Help, I am most definitely not new to attepting to lose weight. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I am used to being treated differently, by friends and family. I am used to the looks from strangers, and especially small children. I got used to a lot of the social issues that come along with being morbidly obese. There are certain things I wasn't prepared for though...
I guess I'll give a little insight as to who I am... so we will start back in the beginning...
Hi! Nice to "meet" you! I'm Kim. I was born a second child, but raised as an only child. I am my mother's middle child, right between two tall, thin brothers. I am my father's only child. My parents separated when I was 3 years old, which really was for the best for all involved. My father had full custody of me; he and his (now) ex-girlfriend raised me until I was 16. My mom was not absent from my life, though. She has always been there, and we have always had a healthy relationship. We talked on the phone religiously, every Sunday evening... and any other time I felt like calling her. I would also go visit her every summer, and sometimes for Christmas. My mom blames herself and my father for my weight issues, but I try to tell her it really isn't that big of a deal. I wish I could actually make her understand that my weight is no one's fault but my own.
Honestly, I've been big my whole life. In elementary school I was called names like "Free Willy". Kids really are ruthless. I was treated differently by my grandmother. She never took me shopping for school clothes like she did my cousins. She never wanted to take me out of town like the rest. I was always kind of treated like the black sheep. Through high school I was always a bigger girl (though I'd love to go back to that now). I was always yoyoing from 210-240 lbs. I've also always held my weight well. I guess I could consider myself lucky that my weight is pretty evenly distributed (minus my flat booty haha). In high school, I didn't party, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs. I was a good girl... until I turned 17.
At 17 there was a major event in my life, and I took a dive from there. I ran away, started drinking, smoking, etc. The actions of 2 other people really did help shape the rest of my life; and while it might have hurt at the time, I am thankful for what I have now. At 17 I got pregnant. My son was born when I was 18. Prior to that pregnancy, I weighed roughly 220lbs. I ended up having to have an emergency c-section. It was, without a doubt, the worst physical experience I've ever had. Anesthesia didn't work properly and I ended up feeling the entire procedure, from the first cut to the last staple. Anyhow, roughly a year after my son was born, I had gained roughly 40 lbs. I continued to slowly creep up.
In 2010 our family suffered a major loss. My nephew passed at the age of 12. The day after his funeral I found out I was pregnant. I never thought I would cry sad tears due to a pregnancy. I felt so selfish to be having a child, after my brother lost his. Unfortunately, my daughter, Persephone, was still-born in January 2011. There was no explanation for why I lost her. Tests were ran, results were normal. (Odd fact: Every woman on my mom's side of our family has lost their second pregnancy.)
February 29, 2012, I had a major knee injury. I had what seemed like a simple fall, and ended up tearing my MCL, PCL, ACL, and meniscus. I have never fully recovered from that injury. My knee sounds like it belongs to a 90 year old every time I squat down and stand up. It hurts, almost constantly. My entire leg from the knee down is also always swollen. Shortly after that, I ended up getting pregnant. Througout my third pregnancy I consistently lost weight, lucky me! I ended up having to have another c-section... and my very healthy 8lb 14.1oz baby was here! After my youngest son was born, I seemed to top out right around 270 lbs.
I knew my relationship was at a pivotal point. Things had been bad for a very long time, and there was no signs of our relationship, or our lives together, improving. After 8 years of fighting, him cheating, and him in and out of jail, the father of my children and I split up. It was my decision to end the relationship. He and I brought out the worst in eachother, and our children deserved better than the life we were providing for them together. I knew alone was better than that.
Luckily, in 2014, I met my current boyfriend. He accepted my children and I into his home and his life. Life isn't perfect, but we are in it together... and it sure is better than how it had been prior. My current boyfriend is the first overweight person I have ever dated. As well, I am the first very obese girl he ever dated. We have tried many times to lose weight. We work out, we try to eat right, we have even done juice fasting. I might lose some weight, but I eventually gain it back, plus even more.
In February or March I finally decided it was time to go to the doctor. First time since my now 4 year old son was born. It was then that I was diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism. I was put on medications for those, as well as medications to treat my depression. I was hopeful that with medication I would finally start to see a shift! Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. At my last appointment, we actually found out that my thyroid is getting worse; despite me being on Levothyroxin, my TSH is at 84. No weight has been lost. As a matter of fact, I'm still gaining.
Brooke, a friend of mine, reached out to me a few weeks ago. She has been struggling with some medical issues; and she is also battling her weight. She and I have discussed our weight, and our battles with our weight, at length. She reached out to me one day and asked me what I thought of bariatric surgery. (Trigger Warning) At the time, I told her I thought it was taking the easy way out. She told me that it was something she was considering, after getting other medical issues resolved first. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned, and she is actually going to have to have the surgery first. She and I got to discussing it more, and I explained how my thoughts on it had changed. How it's not taking the easy way out, because a person still has to change their life style in order to keep the weight off and maintain a healthy life.
When discussing our medical issues and our weight again, she asked me if I ever have considered bariatric surgery. I told her no, but only because I didn't think I could afford it, and I was certain my insurance wouldn't cover it. She advised me to look into it, if it was something I might be interested in. I decided to humor the idea, and began doing a bit of research. I was shocked to find that my insurance actually does cover the surgery. From there, I began researching and researching. So, at over 360lbs and a BMI over 55, I am now looking into the procedures.
Going back to the beginning... the things I wasn't prepared for... the inability to go up a flight of stairs without being winded, hypertension by 30 years old, having an array of medications I have to take every day - multiple times, having my son get in trouble at school because he was defending me against some twerp who was giving him hell about his fat mom, having to worry if I can fit into a chair, as I enter college I'm worrying about fitting into desks. I'm also hit by the realization that I can no longer buy jeans in my size in the town I live in, thus leaving me to wear sweats most of the time. I wasn't prepared for the extreme loss of any self confidence, I wasn't prepared for other physical issues that come along with obsesity (we won't discuss those in detail right now).
It's easy to put up that wall and pretend like the reality of being fat doesn't hurt, but it does. I like to pretend that those sideways glances and nasty comments under people's breath don't bother me, but they do. I tried telling myself that my weight wasn't affecting my health or my realtionships, but it does. I tried telling myself that I didn't need help, but I do.
My goal is to document everything, from beginning until... whenever. I will talk about uncomfortable topics, I will ramble about who-knows-what sometimes. Most of all, I hope to document success, as well as any setbacks.
