Kathleen O.
April 16th, 2006
One month away from surgery and I'm beginning to wonder how I'll cope with the new life I'm arranging for myself. My family and friends have been incredibly supportive and I feel blessed to have each and every one in my life.
I'm posting a copy of the Prayer of St. Theresa. This prayer gives me great strength because I DO believe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
"May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing and dance. It is there for each and every one of you."
May 1, 2006
It's two weeks now until my surgery date and I'm beginning to obsess about life after WLS. I know from reading other people's journeys that everyone goes through something like this, and the practicalities of getting ready for surgery is helping take the edge off somewhat, but I'm not a big fan of the "unknown". I guess it's the Air Traffic Controller in me that needs to have a backup plan ready at all times. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that this is where I'm supposed to be now.
May 19, 2006
I got home from the hospital yesterday and have just completed the first day of my new life. Getting all my protein and water is tough. I haven't gotten all my liquids yet, but still have time to finish my water bottle before bedtime. I did get 54 grams of protein in and am very proud of myself. I walked twice today and even got out shopping for awhile! I'm feeling pretty good today, and my neighbors can't get over how good I look for being 4 days out from major surgery.
I was very impressed with St. Mary's Hospital in Huntington. The nursing staff was very good and I felt well cared for.
May 23, 2006
I had my first meeting and weigh in with the doctor post op. I've lost 12 pounds this week, for a total of 27.5 since the May 3rd weigh in. I'm in shorts that were too tight two weeks ago! My jeans are really loose in the legs and butt. It's a nice feeling.
December 18, 2006
Wow, it's been over 7 months since surgery! It's kind of hard to believe it's gone so well for me. (Knock on wood). I've not had any complications and after weighing myself at the doctor's office this morning I'm down a total of 122 lbs since I first started my diet program last September. (Or, 108 since the May 3rd weigh in.) Either way, it's great. I haven't been able to eat chicken breast (throw it up immediately) but should try again in the near future, just to get some low fat protein incorporated into my diet.
My support group meets tomorrow for our monthly get together. Since it's Christmas, we're bringing a $10 gift for giving. I do enjoy seeing everyone there, it's a fun group.
May 28, 2007
I had been asked in March to give a talk at the monthly support group meeting about a topic of my choosing. I spoke on my journey so far. It went over BIG! Joy, the nurse in charge of the weight-loss center at St. Mary's asked me a few days ago if I would speak to the lastest class of graduating nurses about my journey. I agreed, and will do so on the 5th of June. Here is the talk I gave in March and will give again next week:
My Journey
I wasn’t born fat, most children aren’t. Of my parents, my father was the one with weight issues. Mom either didn’t have a problem, or she watched it more carefully. I never really paid attention as a child, they were just “Mom and Dad”.
My weight fluctuated during childhood; skinny in summer, not so skinny in winter.
Looking at my school photos, it was 5th grade where I began my struggle with weight; when I received my first “diet” from a doctor. I remember the “book” he gave me, not so much for what was inside, but by the fact that it had a fat girl on the outside climbing through a mirror which became a skinny girl climbing out on the back. That diet went nowhere.
I remember my weight from 6th grade gym class. 160. It was embarrassing for me at that point, as the biggest girl in my class.
Looking at photos of high school, I wasn’t fat, but I was certainly larger than my friends and schoolmates. I went to a Catholic all-girls school, complete with uniforms. (Navy blue serge skirt and jacket and a white blouse with a Peter Pan collar, navy socks and Weejun shoes.) No one looked good in that outfit, but I never felt comfortable enough to roll up my skirt to make it a mini like the others did. You just didn’t do that when you were a size 18. Size didn’t stop me from finding out who I was and what I was good at. I excelled in, and enjoyed singing in choir. I tried out for, and got parts in 5 different plays during high school. I had a solid B+ average in my classes and the respect of my teachers which was returned in full. I had friends I could lean on and who I reach out and touch to this day. Dating was done in groups but I never had a significant boyfriend. I learned to cope and to how to deal with what “is”. I got involved in my first professional diet program when I was 16. It was a program called “Counterweight” which was run through the auspices of General Mills. My father and I were both members for about 6 months. I lost 20 pounds or so, Dad lost as well. We both gained that back in short order.
My 20’s were an up and down time with weight. I was my smallest at age 23, no clue what the number was (I avoided scales) but my photos show me with an actual waist! I do know I was 245 by age 25, miserable in my work and taking it out on my body. Age 26, new job, new stresses and more weight. Dad developed colon cancer when I was 29, and because of him I quit smoking. Great news, right? Yessirrie, but that, plus the stress of the situation ballooned me up to 285 by the time he passed away.
I was 32 when I tried Optifast. I was sick and tired of being big and thought this would be my magic bullet. I was 302 when I started that program, and lost 102 pounds in three months. I felt great, then got back onto regular food and gained it back again, plus.
After that, I gave up on diet and exercise. I’d get weighed once a year for my work physical. The doctor’s scale measured up to 350 pounds. One year I surpassed the limit of the scale. After that, it was just a guess. I didn’t know, and, except for the embarrassment, I didn’t care. I was me. I could get around. I’d ignore any stares or rude comments and I learned to compensate for my size. After all, I knew how to deal with what “is.” It was getting harder to breathe and climb stairs, but hey, I coped. I always did.
I moved here in 2002. Large sized women were more prevalent here, therefore more accepted. I don’t know if “acceptance” was the best thing for me, but I didn’t feel as out of place as I did in New York.
Everything changed in 2004. In April, I took a driving trip to New York, Atlantic City, NJ, Washington DC, Williamsburg, VA and Asheville NC, and for the first time had a difficult time traveling. I would plan my day around how much walking I had to do and then try to make it as easy as possible. Atlantic City had bicycle taxis on the boardwalk. That was the only way I was able to get around the beach area. In DC, I had a cheap room in an expensive hotel. The bed turned out to be a cot which sat low on the floor. I struggled to get out of it in the morning, and twice my leg cramped up trying to get out of the damned thing. I prayed I didn’t need to get up in the middle of the night! I love Williamsburg. I’ve visited the restored area many times and have always enjoyed the feel of the town. However, this time I did as little walking as I could. I relied on the bus to get me around and planned my visit around the bus stops. In Asheville I panicked because I had to park my car up a hill to visit the Biltmore Estate. My coping mechanism was overloaded. I had my yearly physical the week after I got home. My weight had ballooned up to 406 pounds. What’s worse, I had finally lost the battle with my blood pressure and had to go on medication. My doctor also told me that I was pre-diabetic and if I didn’t do something about my weight I’d be a full blown diabetic in two years. He mentioned weigh loss surgery for the first time that day. Not to pressure me into anything, but to let me know that it was an option for me to consider. In the meantime, he gave me a diet plan to follow. I was scared enough to listen to him and lost about 30 pounds.
I thought about the surgery a lot. I started to research it on the internet. I let the thought of it bounce around in my head. I had never met anyone who’d had surgery so there was no one I could speak with. Any information I got was second or third hand, which is about as accurate as gossip.
And the negatives kept piling up. (Graphic)
My blood pressure began to climb again. My medication was upped twice to compensate, but each occurrence scared me a bit more.
My knees began to hurt climbing stairs. I’d been taking gluchosomine to alleviate the pain, but it was taking larger doses to do the job.
I was having God-awful calf and thigh cramps. I had to school myself to lay completely flat in bed, or else I’d wake up with the thigh cramp from hell.
I didn’t dare have a bowel movement first thing in the morning; early in the morning I couldn’t reach far enough back to wipe myself.
I had to climb three flights of stairs to get to work. I had to stop halfway to catch my breath, otherwise I’d feel like passing out by the time I got to the top. But, I had to stop high enough so no one could see me through the window of the door. That way, no one knew I was stopping. Okay, I’m a touch anal.
Incontinence. If I had the slightest urge to go to the bathroom I had to do it then or risk a leak.
I had to make sure that any chair I sat in was strong enough to hold me.
The only shoes I could wear comfortably were sneakers. Forget fashion; I couldn’t walk in heels.
It got to the point where I was out of breath just walking.
I shopped for clothing almost exclusively through catalog. Catherine’s was the only store I could buy clothing off the rack.
I had to go to the dermatologist to get some skin tags cut off. The doctor made clear his distaste for me and how I looked. Needless to say, I didn’t return to him.
Pretty soon I was compensating for my size in every aspect of my life.
Can’t fit in that parking space, I’ll never get out the car door
Gotta park close, or I’ll be out of breath when I get inside
How will I navigate this aisle with all the stuff in the way?
Be sure to dry under the folds of my skin or I’ll get a rash
Avoid those plastic patio chairs-they stick to my butt
Seat me at a table please, I don’t fit in a booth
Make sure the chair I sit in doesn’t have arms, otherwise I won’t fit
Scope out the toilet to make sure I’ll be able to maneuver to wipe myself.
Rental car? Has to be midsize or I won’t fit
Tuck the buckle of the seatbelt in my pocket so it looks like I’m wearing it. Yeah, that’ll fool the cops!
Gotta sit sideways at the picnic table, I don’t fit sitting forward.
Gotta make sure there’s a place to sit to tie my shoes.
Can’t kneel down, gotta sit in church instead.
I finally asked my doctor who he’s recommend for surgery. He said he’d recommend St. Mary’s over Cabell Huntington for a few reasons: -Cabell was a teaching hospital, St. Mary’s wasn’t.-He said that if he or any of his family were to need surgery, he’d want Dr. Robarts to do it. Wow, that was good enough for me.
I contacted the Weight Loss Center and was advised that since I had Blue Cross insurance, my insurance company would demand a 6 month diet program prior to approval of the surgery. I paid for the diet program in July, but had one last trip to take before digging in. This trip turned out to be the one that took out my coping mechanism for good. I flew to Anchorage to take a cruise/tour of Alaska. I had specifically requested aisle seats so I wasn’t squeezed in. I had to have the arm between me and the next seat raised so I could sit. During the second leg I was seated next to a man who looked at my size with distaste and commented that he objected to me raising the arm. I got nasty looks throughout that leg. Then on the third leg I was again seated next to a man who complained to the flight attendant that I was taking up too much space and he wanted something done about it NOW! She gave him the choice of moving to another middle seat further up, or staying where he was. That pissed him off but he grumbled his way up to the other seat. I was mortified. The flight attendant tried to smile at me but I just wanted to disappear. On the flight home, I missed my connection in Salt Lake City and ended up taking the red-eye home. The only seat left that wasn’t a center seat was the window seat in the exit row. I figured that that would be fine. However, it was one of those seats where the arm is locked into position. When I sat down, I discovered to my horror that my butt didn’t fit into the seat. I spent the next 5 hours shifting in the seat; sideways first one way, then the other, then trying to squeeze straight down. I was miserable.
I was also motivated to change. I went to my first nutrition class in September of 2005. Everyone in class was very friendly and Terri made me feel right at home. When I attended the support group meeting after class, it felt right. It was also the first time I was able to speak with people who’d had surgery. During that 6 months I researched and questioned and tried to follow the program. I wasn’t always successful, but I thought I was on the right track. I discussed the surgery with my brother and family. Their response was: “Fat or thin, it makes no difference. We love you either way. Do what makes you happy.” I found out later I had at least one Aunt who was trying to convince my brother to tell me not to have surgery as she was afraid I would die on the table. Thankfully, I didn’t hear about it until much later. During my initial meeting with Dr. Robarts, I told him my greatest desire was that I just wanted a second chance at life. I was tired of compensating, tired of taking up other peoples space, tired of coping. I peppered him with questions. (He’s still talking about the 65 questions I came with!) He answered them all patiently, drawing diagrams for me when necessary. I felt confident in his abilities when the meeting was over.
I lost about 30 pounds during that 6 month diet, with the last 16 pounds coming off the last 10 days before surgery. Cutting carbs sure worked! One of the last things I did before surgery was write myself a letter, detailing the reasons behind my decision to put myself through all this. I put it away, to be taken out at some point in the future when I was feeling bad, couldn’t eat and was depressed about everything. I’ve never needed it.
May 15th, 2006. Surgery day. My brother and sister in law came down from Cincinnati to be with me for the big day. I was very nervous, I’d never been operated on before. Jim, my brother, was back in the waiting room with me, and was as nervous as I was about the whole thing. Joy ran running out to the main waiting room to get Mimi (my sister in law). Joy thought it was like a funeral in the room and we needed some livening up!
After surgery I was groggy, but was able to get up that night and sit for about a half hour. I walked the hallway the next few days, although my strength level was way down. The first night home I was up until 1am trying to get all my liquid and protein down, but I finally did it! The thought of doing that each day made me wonder what I’d done to myself, but it got easier each day, especially after I found out that I could count my protein drinks as part of my liquid intake.
Mimi stayed with me that first 10 days, making sure I got out to exercise, didn’t do too much and drove me around until I was able to drive myself. She was an enormous help. Sometimes we don’t give those that assist us the credit they deserve. Thank you to all of you for your help. We couldn’t do it without you.
The first month I had some weird aches and pains, and discovered that I couldn’t walk the mall without sitting down at least three times. This all passed after the first month. I discovered that I couldn’t tolerate iced drinks. Cold I could do, but drinks with ice in them hurt my pouch.
I was off of work for about 3 weeks. I probably could have taken more time if necessary, but after the first week I was bored stiff. I took it easy for 6 weeks then got back into a normal routine. My boss was very easy to work with and did all he could to make things easier for me. I was truly blessed.
The people at the Obesityhelp website talk about “Wow Moments”. Wow moments are the things that you notice about yourself or your world that change as you lose weight or gain confidence. My wow moments include:
Going horseback riding for the first time in 30 years
Flying in an airplane; fitting in the seat and not needing a seatbelt extender.
Trying on clothes that you KNOW won’t fit that do fit. Getting my drivers license renewed and telling the truth about my weight for the first time in my life.
Finally being able to wear a sweater that I received for Christmas in 1996.
Now at 10 months out I can look back and see how my life has changed since surgery. I’m trying not to be too complacent about my success as I don’t want to slip back to where I was. I don’t want to forget what brought me to this point tonight.
I’ve come to see that obesity IS a disease. I never considered it such, but I’ve come around to the fact that it takes more than just “will power” to lose weight and keep it off. Knowledge is power, and the more I know, the better off I’ll be. Am I pre-disposed to obesity? Probably. My father’s family has had the tendency to be heavy for at least 3 generations before me. Nature and environment, I’ve got to pay attention to both.
I’m not usually introspective but in putting this together I came up with some thoughts:
It’s nice to be in control of my life again.
We were told that this surgery is just a tool for weight loss. I’m discovering that weight loss, while important for health reasons, is just one of the tools I have for living life.
The more I help someone else in some aspect of the surgery, the more it helps me.
I’m awed by the kindness of acquaintances and floored by the love and acceptance of family.I won’t let people make disparaging comments about overweight people.
Don’t obsess about weight loss; this isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.
There’s nothing wrong with reinventing your outer shell as long as you stay true to yourself.
I’d like to end with something I received in email a few years ago. It’s called the Prayer of St. Theresa and I found it comforting during my journey:
May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing and dance. It is there for each and every one of you.
Thank you.
February 6, 2010
Wow, almost three years since my last entry and what changes have occured in my life. In September of 2008 I was diagnosed with a Stage IV cancer of unknown origin. It's all located in my abdomen with hundreds of tumors on my liver, lung, ovaries, diaphram and other places. I'm living through chemotherapy. I'm presently on my fourth set of chemo drugs, but am afraid that they're not working very well. I can feel "stuff" in my abdomen, and pressure in my stomach area. I get a CT scan next week and will know more then.
All this has changed my perspective on weight loss. Now I'm not eating to maintain or lose weight, I'm eating to maintain or GAIN weight. I'm presently at 162 which is okay, but lower than I'd like to be. I've been losing pretty steadily for the past few weeks, and this with 4 solid meals a day. I've intentionally stretched my pouch to accomodate more calories, but my metabolism is so revved that I'm having a hard time keeping up.
My spirits are high and I'm fighting this with everything I have in me. I'm still living life, working a few hours a week at the bookstore and voluntering when I can. Hey, I can do anything as long as I'm sitting down.
I wouldn't change a thing when it comes to my RNY. It has caused me to have the strength to fight my cancer. I'd be in truly rough shape going through this at 400 lbs. I will say my faith has increased and I know that I'll be fine whatever happens. I'm looking at death as the next great adventure!
