Traci M.

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I just came across this fabulous quote today from Mary Poppins..

"Enough is as good as a feast."

I don't know the context, but I don't know that the context even really matters that much. That is such a powerful statement. Why it's taken WLS for me to truly understand and grasp that concept I will never understand. I've read so many stories about people who don't understand why they couldn't "get it" before hand...Why they had to go to such extremes to become healthy... And my goodness, I'm only 12 days into this process. But I am learning every day, and that quote just knocked my socks off.

The pre-WLS Traci wanted it all, wanted all the feast, all the time..I realize there is a huge heart issue there.. I mean, what's the essential problem in wanting all the freaking time? Selfishness, greed, lust, whatever...I know that WLS does nothing to change the inside. All is does is change my belly. My head and my heart will have to change, to learn to be content, to realize that enough IS as good as a feast. I can beat myself up for not learning it in my 38 years of life...or I can be very grateful that I have the opportunity to learn it now..And to live my remaining years healthy and content and grateful... I think the latter choice is a pretty darned good one as well... I'll take it!!

Things have been quiet over here because I have been in the bed on pain meds! Had a minor setback. I rode to Knoxville last Wednesday the 6th to take mom back to the airport. I'd been feeling well and hubby was going to be driving, so I assumed all would be fine. I had a pillow close to my tummy the whole way, but I guess all the jarring around of my insides was just too much. I ended up being in about as much pain as I was in at the hospital. :( So I've just been medicating and resting. Am finally on the upswing I think.

Had my first postop appointment today and that went great. The great news is that I got my staples out and was given permission to advance to the next stage of the diet. The not-so-great news is that my drain has to stay in until Thursday :(. But it's tolerable. It's for my best. All the pain I'm feeling is normal, so that's good to know. The key is to take it easy, rest, medicate when necessary, and get my nutrients in. This is a CHALLENGE! I never thought eating all day would be hard! But it is... There is so much needed to consume to stay healthy and nourished and there is only so much time and such a tiny little stomach now!!

The good thing is that I'm catching up on lots of TV. That's one thing I can do. I've read some, but have found that TV is just easier right now. I watched in the whole first season of Mad Men in several days and have found yet another show to be addicted to!

The day is gorgeous here. It's early August, not a cloud in the sky, and 75 degrees! This reminds me of why I live in TN!

Ok, about a half-hour is about my limit at the computer at this point. I guess it's Tivo time. Just wanted to let everyone know that I was still around! Oh yeah! And 20 pounds down too! :)

The days keep getting better. I have more strength and energy today and the pain is not as bad. Honestly, I think the narcotics were keeping me down, just overall not in good shape. I feel stronger today and actually felt like talking to some friends on the phone.

I am feeling this yucky tightness in my stomach that I'm trying to figure out. As SOH says, the next year of my life is going to be a science experiment; figuring out what works and what doesn't, what my body likes and what it doesn't.

I had my first "uh oh" moment today. I cannot swallow whole pills for several months because of the tiny hole from my esophagus to my little baby stomach. I've begin using Tylenol instead of the big mama drugs, and had crushed the Tylenol and put it in another medication I'm taking that is in liquid form. I swallowed that fine and then put some water in the 1-oz cup to make sure I'd gotten all the medication. Without even thinking, I swallowed the whole ounce of water in one gulp. Baby tummy did not like that!! I could tell right away it wasn't a good thing. It was just a sharp pain that subsided quickly..but we learn from those experiences...

I watched Anne of Green Gables with mom today and just loved it. Sweet moments with my sweet mom! I will be sad when she leaves and will have to be a big girl and take care of myself now (and hubby too..how nice to have mom cooking for SAM!!)...The good thing is that day after tomorrow I'll be even stronger and more prepared to do what I need to do.

I have the dogs boarded for a good while and that has been such a blessing. Lulu would be a breeze, but the sweet baby boy puppy boy would have been a handful. I just don't know how I could take care of him right now! Thank goodness I have a wonderful lady who keeps them for me for such a reasonable cost. So that's been a load off of my back.

SOH said something today that just made me tear up...It's easy in this phase to get caught up in all the hard parts of this process. Obviously I'm not to any other stage yet... But many have said they would do this surgery again and again if they had to.. (which spoke volumes to me while I was in the hospital.. It's one thing to hear that and another thing to experience it).. Don't get me wrong, I'm having no regrets and am so excited of the life before me... It just has its hard moments, and when you don't have the good stuff yet to compare it, you just have to keep a level head. Anyway, SOH said, "Trust the YOU that made this decision to do this." I just loved that and it was just what I needed to hear. I made an excellent decision for my life, for my health, for my future, for so many things that still await me!!

I'm so excited to be able to share my journey with everyone. I am more open than many, and sometimes I wonder if I'm too open for me :)... Why the heck would anyone care about my stories anyway? Sometimes I have a nagging voice saying that to me.. "who do you think you are? what makes you so special that others would want to read or know?"...But then my spirit speaks and I realize that my truth is my truth. It doesn't belong to anyone else. No one can tell it like me. And although we are all at different stages in our journeys, there are people not yet to where am...And if they can learn and grow from me, then I am grateful for it.

I write with a humble heart and know there is nothing good in me on my own. I know that every good and perfect gift comes from God. So I thank him for these wonderful second chances, for loved ones, for words, for the freedom of expression, and for those who are willing to learn and grow. May we all be molded and shaped daily!

Just a quick report, friends! My surgery was performed on July 31 at 8 am with no difficulties whatsoever. The surgery was performed in under two hours from what I understand. I was in my room that afternoon and met there by my sweet husband and mother. They were such angels and I don't know what I would have done without them.

I will write more as I have more strength. They recovery has not been that bad. The pain is not horrible. In a word I would just describe it as uncomfortable. The drain is uncomfortable. My incisions are uncomfortable. The abdominal binder is uncomfortable, but provides relief too.

I haven't had the slightest hunger pang. The foods I'm eating are easy to tolerate and I'm not having trouble getting things down down. No nausea. Overall, excellent recovery!

Honestly, one of my biggest complaints besides being uncomfortable is restlessness. I cannot seem to focus on anything or sit still for any period of time. This is good because it has me up and moving, but I would love to be spending me down time watching movies or reading, and it's just not happening!

I'm feeling stronger each day and probably have spent my internet limit for today typing this brief message. Just wanted to give everyone an update! Thanks so much for all the many, many prayers and positive thoughts. They were definitely felt and are still appreciated to this day!

I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone. "Coming out of the closet" was the best thing I could do. The support and love around me has me soaring. With so many people praying for me, I know that only good can happen! I feel so loved. I am blessed!

I am actually very calm today. I've been homebound due to my gastric preparations... Getting EVERYTHING all good and cleaned out!!! It has not been terribly bad considering that I've on a liquid diet for 10 days. I know is a whole lot of TMI (too much information)...BUT..most that go through this surgery process will learn that there are things you just have to talk about. People have questions and need to know what's going on. So forgive my forthrightness! The process has not been bad at all...the worst part is the Gatorade/Miralax cocktail. BLECH! Thank goodness it's almost all gone though :)

It's been a peaceful day.. The prep has been nice in the fact that I had to take the day off. You really can't do anything else. So I had everything done, more or less, by 12 noon and got to spend that time with mom...We watched the sweetest movie, Martian Child - definitely a chic flick, and both did some reading...I got some wonderful phone calls. So all in all, it's all good!

Someone said today that they knew I was scared, and I had to say that I honestly wasn't. Some of that may come tomorrow..But I have to be there so very early (5 AM!)..I think it all will happen very quickly. SOH was so very helpful in answering lots of questions for me today about the pain, about catheterization, compression boots/stockings, barium testing, lack of hunger (yee haa! let's pray for that!!)...So wonderful to have someone go before you that can answer those little things... Also, the wonderful WLS coordinator at the hospital sent me a detailed e-mail about what would happen step by step and that was such a blessing..Any fear I had initially was about the unknown. So knowing what to expect is so very helpful. Thank you Pat!

Well, a little more prepping to do...A little more packing.. I hope I will get some sleep but am sure that I will.. The surgeon has ok'd me taking some lovely Lunesta.. so that will absolutely be taken.

I guess that's all for now! I am so very, very, very grateful. Words cannot describe! I will post as I can...Blessings my dear friends!

I am really feeling so great today. I am excited. I am at peace. I am blessed with wonderful friends and family and great insurance. My body is 13 pounds lighter and is cleansed. It is so amazing the feeling you have after ridding your body of sugar and caffeine and who knows what else. The first few days were SO HARD but now I feel wonderful. I have gotten all my ducks in a row and all that I need to do is pick up mom tomorrow, necessary preparations for surgery on Wednesday, then my day is here! When I got my approval and surgery date, it was 31 days away and seemed like a lifetime. Now it seems like yesterday. Amazing how relative time can be.

It's gorgeous outside. Friends are checking on me. I paid a friend to clean my house today (Thanks Ruby!!).. I've got someone to take care of my dogs, the hospital bill is paid.. All that's lacking is packing!

You know, this surgery is a lot like grace. I did this to myself. I don't deserve help. But grace is being bestowed upon me. A second chance. A new life; that I don't deserve. Isn't that what grace is about? This is why I'm on cloud nine. This is why my life has radically changed already. Because I know that I'm being given a wonderful gift at a new life; one that I don't deserve. But I am grateful and I am thanking God. And I will not take it lightly. And I pray that every day I remember where I came from. ALWAYS remember the shackles that bound me. Always be compassionate to those who were where I once was. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. And learn to not treat food like the bad guy. And learn to calm the storms that may come. And never, never, never take this for granted.

I never in a million years thought that broth would be like a delicacy for me. But on this liquid diet, that's just what it has been. I can't explain it. But just the warmth and the flavor is just decadent for me. Anyone who may be on this WLS journey in one way or another, just a brief word of advice. Do not skimp when it comes to your broth! I have tried three different kinds. Rachel Ray's chicken stock was excellent. (I had to look up the difference between stock and broth and found it on the food network. "Chicken stock tends to be made more from bony parts, whereas chicken broth is made more out of meat. Chicken stock tends to have a fuller mouth feel and richer flavor, due to the gelatin released by long-simmering bones.") Swanson's chicken broth - awesome. Walmart's chicken broth? Not so much. So, this is one of those things where it does not benefit to skimp. (Hubby pointed out that probably the reason it tastes so good is because of the sodium. I know sodium is not good for you. But that's a whole other battle for another day!) Enjoy your broth!

This is mainly for my benefit to remind myself of the good that is coming out of these difficult 10 days! Yes, it has been harder than I expected. Is it doable? Absolutely. The first few days were the absolute hardest. Yesterday was probably the best day. I feel good today, but hubby is working and I'm not very busy so I find myself craving food. I feel quite certain that this will be one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken.

But there are benefits of this small phase....

• It has taken my mind/anxiety off the surgery and allowed me to focus on the now.
• I dropped 11 pounds in 4 days! Losing weight before the surgery is always a benefit. I haven't lost in the past day or two, but maybe I'll drop a few more before the big day.
• My body feels clean and purged.
• No need to plan, shop, cook, other than buying what I needed beforehand for the liquid diet. (WARNING! I do NOT recommend shopping in a grocery store while you are on the liquid diet. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry.. HELLO?? Grocery shopping when you hadn't eaten in DAYS?? Not fun.. Trust me.)
• This should have been first on my list; my liver will shrink and allow the surgeon to have the best possible access to my organs.
• It really is a good transition between eating like a big girl and eating like a WLS patient. A friend today said it was probably a good thing I'm doing it so that my stomach won't go into shock!
• It reminds me of the dedication needed toward this surgery. If you can't make it through a 10-day liquid diet, how can you make it for an entire lifetime of restriction?
• People feel sorry for me.

JUST KIDDING!!! I have gotten sympathy, and people are very, very sweet to worry about me. But I am honestly doing this almost as a badge of honor. Everything has fallen into place and I truly believe this is what I need to do. This will drastically change many parts of my life and I am SO ready! This liquid diet has been a nice transition I think. And I'm not able to sit around and worry about the surgery and count the days cause I'm so busy thinking about my growling stomach!!! :)

My spirit really is still at peace and I'm so excited about the changes to come. I am so grateful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with love and support and bathed me in prayer. I go into this surgery with my head held high, my expectations high for the life before me, and full confidence that I am going to do great.

I have the best friends.. Thank you all!!

My sweet new puppy has changed my life by helping me get on a schedule and a structure. As I used to stay up until all hours of the night and then sleep until late in the morning, now I'm on a somewhat normal schedule, if you will. I still hate mornings though and will probably always be a night person. I wake up so tired. I used to drink 3 or 4 cups of coffee in the morning. There are different teachings by surgeons regarding caffeine, but mine says no caffeine and no carbonated beverages after surgery. I have started weaning myself off of coffee by drinking a Coke Zero every morning when I wake up. Not quite the jolt of coffee, but is all I got for now.

As I sat down this morning to begin working and was sipping my Coke Zero, I thought to myself, you know, my body probably needs an Atkins shake right now with protein in it rather than this nutritionless soft drink. Then the other part of me said, but this is what I want, this tastes so much better, this is more enjoyable for me, and makes me feel better.

That was a huge light bulb moment for me. Isn't that how I got in this position? By giving my body what it wants rather than what it needs? In so many ways we have to learn to parent ourselves. We would teach children that they need nutrition rather than junk. But how do we treat ourselves?

This responsibility sucks! But I realized that I only think the caffeine will make me feel better. Oh it may, but only for a moment, not longlasting change. If I focus on my health, and on making wise choices, then I WILL feel better period. And it will be longlasting. The health and good feelings won't come from a can. They will just BE. And they will stay with me.

God, help me to take good care of this body you've given me and feed it in a way that is for health and performance.

I figure since I'm airing all my dirty laundry, why not go all the way :).. As SOH says, everything is feast or famine with me.. HA! Literally! I missed that unintended pun. If you missed that, never mind. :)

So, I've decided to start journaling what I'm eating online. Mainly just 'cause I don't want to add up my protein each day! And, I can just repeat my most common eaten items :)

So, just in case anyone is curious what a 10-day liquid diet in prep for WLS looks like, here you go. Keep in mind that all surgeons standard op is different. Pretty much no two surgeons are going to be the same.

I'm feeling very, very weak these days and almost panicked about it. Obviously being over 250 pounds and surviving on 400-600 calories would surely make one weak. I just didn't realize just how weak I would be. I can barely walk down to the mailbox without having to rest. My heart races with any activity. It's almost scary. But I called the surgeon's office today and they did not seem to be worried. I honestly think I haven't been drinking ENOUGH.. I think I'm just so dang tired of having to potty all day long! But when it's my health we're talking about, I gotta get better. My goal is 64 ounces of fluid a day and at least 50 mg of protein.

Also, I was taking my vitamins and I was told by a friend who is also soon to have the surgery that vitamins are a no-no right now because of all the vitamins in the shakes. Her potassium was way too high. Again, every person is different and all docs are different. My surgeon didn't tell me one way or another about the vitamins. So, I presume there is no harm in stopping them just in case. Supplements are a HUGE part of this process afterwards, so I was just trying to get ahead of the game..

Pretty much all I want to do is work, read and sleep. I have been out of the house some, but it's really, really hard for me to move about because of my weakness. This is a caution for anyone who does the liquid diet to limit your activities (my personal humble opinion.) I had hoped to work out every day to drop weight before the surgery! HA!! Thank God I work from home. I don't know what I would do if I had to be really active during this 10-day period.

As I've mentioned before, though, I'm learning to be kind to myself. Some may wonder what that means. When I feel tired, I rest. When I need a break, I take a break. Listening to what your body says is SO important. I do believe that it tells us what we need.

Ok, I'm on to a beverage of some sort, then reading and then bed. I don't think I have gone to bed before daylight since I was 10 years old. But I sure am doing it these days!