LaurineL
I always thought that I was fat since I was a child, but looking back at pictures, I was a perfectly normal, possibly a bit chubby, child. I was taller and clumsier, so I didn't move as quickly. The other kids would call me fat and make fun of me. I matured early, was actually pretty voluptuous as I look now; so I was even more of a freak. Remembering my elementary school years, I felt like a giant among the "normal" kids; later I said I felt like Jabba the Hut. I never felt pretty or attractive. I was always a little surprised when someone, like a teacher, paid me extra attention. I've gone through life thinking that the ones who love me will soon find out what I'm really like and I'll be exposed. Strange, huh?
My mom had her own weight issues, she was even bulemic for a time. So of course, those got passed on to me. I went on my first 1,000 calorie diet at the age of 13 or 14, but my mom had taken me to Weight Watchers before that. I had lost about 25 pounds, but still felt like there was more to lose. Later I tried the Cambridge diet (which really messed with my metabolism), Jenny Craig, and many others. I should have a life membership to weight watchers, for the number of times I've joined. On all of them, I lost some weight, hit a rock and went back to my eating patterns. Of course I gained more than I lost every time. I believe that I totally screwed my metabolism by all that dieting. If I'd never tried, I probably would have hit 170 or 180 and stayed there. But of course, I grew up in the 60's and 70's, so that wasn't acceptable either. On top of all that, food became my security blanket and in some ways, so did my fat.
I'm married to a wonderful man who has always loved the woman and not the body. He doesn't really care if I'm sexy or what, but he'd like me to be around a long time to bug him and help him raise our kids. I have 3 kids. My oldest is 27 and my two younger ones are 5 and 3 1/2. When I was a young mom, I could be fairly active, even with the extra weight. My daughter actually sees me as someone to admire and really knows how to judge people by their character, rather than their looks. This time, I weigh at least 50 - 75 pounds more than I did when my older daughter was young; my highest was 290, and when I started this process, I was around 280. I've actually lost some in the last few weeks. I want to be able to know I have a better chance of being there for my son and little daughter and that they won't just remember me waiting at home while they went off to fun with dad, because I was too big or tired or out of shape to participate or complaining because my back and feet hurt or hating myself. Also, my youngest is going to have a tendency to be "voluptuous" and I want her example to be a mom who exercises and eats healthily and is happy. I have so much to live for.