lawrchik
I hadn't ever really even thought about surgery. My BMI wasn't over 40; I thought only morbidly obese people would qualify. Not to mention, in the back of my head I wasn't the fat girl people saw. But then a doctor who was working with me to help figure out why I wasn't losing weight suggested it to me. I had no idea I would even qualifiy for it. But apparently with my high BP, high cholesterol, and PCOS, my BMI put me in line for surgery. Who knew!! So finally after a year of frustration of not losing, she suggested the surgery. Never thinking I'd get approved, I said ok, let's see what the insurance company says. One month later I was approved and had my surgery date. Oy vey.
So, here's a little about me. I was the the fat kid in the family, eventhough I ate the same things as everyone else. I was active, always played sports. I was constantly dieting..aren't we all. I made up for my weight by trying to be the outgoing girl. I was on the tennis team throughout highschool and college (Division 1 thank you very much! :)), speech/debate, various school clubs, etc. Deep down, I hated myself. I wanted to be one of the cute girls. Was always the fattest girl in the room. My life was was one diet after another; feeling guilty about having an ice cream cone; wondering if people saw me as heavy as I saw myself. So like everyone else I've had the rude comments, the looks, the look of horror on a blind date's face. The "you have such a pretty face" comments. Ugh!! And to make matters worse, my sister was the "pretty" one and my brother, yeah, he modeled a little for J. Crew. I was screwed all the way around.
I live in Chicago. Surrounded by tall blondes. How unfair...not only do I not have long straight shiney blonde hair, but I'm tall and fat! Sort of a Huffalump in a city of girls who live on a vodka and greens diet. It seems no matter how successful I am professionaly I'm constantly haunted by my weight. I know that's how all of us feel. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted...from trying so hard to not only lose weight, but to get people to see me as me, and not as the "big girl." I am lucky though...I have a beautiful, supportive network of family and friends who have never told me I'm anything other than beautiful.
So here I am. The three of us (my doctor, nutritionist, and me) have decided to take the surgery route. I have to tell you, it was not on the top of my list and until about a month ago, wasn't even something I had ever considered. But after doing all my research, talking to my doctor, my psychologist, and my nutritionist, I'm excited, but nervous.
There are so many things I'm looking forward to: not being afraid to go skiing, not feeling like my butt is hanging over the seats at Wrigely Field, not feeling like the ugliest person in the room...the list goes on.
Well, here we go....thank god you all are here with me!
4/30/05
This waiting thing is a drag. It hasn't even been a week since I had my surgical consult which means my info probably hasn't been sent to the insurance company yet..WHICH MEANS...I have a long wait ahead..lol. It's funny, when I first started thinking about the surgery I wasn't sure I wanted to do it. But now that the surgeon thinks I'm a good candidate, and the Wellness Institute physicians and my nutritionist think it's a good idea, I'm all over it. It's an exciting feeling, no wonder you guys are so jazzed. But, I just have this sinking feeling I won't be approved. My insurance company has only one requirement: must be at least 2 times the normal weight of a person the same age, height, gender, and race. Weelll, even using the lowest weight I'm 20 lbs shy. AGH! It's just exhausting. If only the rest of the world knew how hard this was.
The few people I've mentioned the surgery to have one of two responses: either pessimistic (why is it everyone knows someone who had a bad experience and I've never known anyone personally who's had it?) or they ask me if I'm ready to give up food. So, tonight I actually thought about it. The giving up food thing isn't really that bad - I've been "dieting" for 3 years, so it's already what I do for the most part :) But when I really think about it, the thought of not being a social outcast, of not wondering what people are thinking about you, of not panicking about air plane seats, of being able to go running and not carring around all this extra weight...all that is so much more powerful than the idea of not eating cheesecake again (besides, maybe I'll be one of those people who can handle a bite or two ;) It was just such a powerful thought...realizing the my obsession with losing weight and beating myself up about every single extra calorie that goes into my mouth knowing that once again I won't see a change on the scale. For the first time in 15 months or so, I finally have some hope that all my hard work will pay off. I just feel so empowered today.
5/4/05
Yep, patience is about gone. Man, this is going to be a painfully slow :)
5/10/05
So I couldn't take it anymore and I called my insurance to get a status...to see if it had even been submitted. Well, since it was an insurance company it was of course a nightmare to even get to the right person. Since it's a surgical procedure I was transferred to this very nasty woman who was completely unhappy with her job..and if you ask me, she needs a vacation. Anyway, so I told her I wanted a status, she asked for the date, uh...I don't know, I don't even know if I've been approved. So after some very heavy sighing on her end, she said something like surgery date is 6/6/05 and it was approved 2 days ago...or something. I was totally confused. So I had her repeat it again, to see if I really was approved. But this time she said was submitted 2 days ago. AGH!!! So, I'll call back in a few days. Ugh...INSURANCE COMPANIES!!
You're Lili St. Cyr!
What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
5/11/05
OMG! The nurse said to call in 3 weeks, which is a whole week away. But I couldn't wait that long. So, I called the insurance company myself, AGAIN, and guess what?!?! I was approved!!!!!!!! AND the surgeon, hospital, and anesthesiologist are all in network!!! I've already met my deductible and everything. This is just so weird. The date the surgeon's office picked for the pre-cert was 6/6 and I can't do it then (my mom wouldn't be able to come over and it would be a big no-no to do it without her here). So, I have to get a new date. But still. So, I haven't officially heard it from the surgeon. I called and left a message with the nurse to please call me with a status. Holy cow. I mean, this is so cool. I never really thought I would be approved...my BMI isn't over 40 but I do have comorbidities. I just thought, with my luck, they won't approve me.
So now of course I'm thinking about all the bad things...and all the things that people without a weight problem ask: can you live without the "fun foods?" Food is such a big part of life, etc. I think I've mentioned this before. It's not like I eat like that now, so missing cheesecake or something isn't really an issue. HOWEVER....I may just have to take a visit to my local burger joint within the next couple of weeks :)
5/17/05
Yep, it's official...I was approved - I got the letter and my surgeon got the letter and my date is 6/6/05. Scary.
5/18/05
FINALLY!!!! Finally got in contact with the nurse and we scheduled my date....it's 7/5/05. I was really hoping it would be sooner...but oh well. But now there's this whole long list of stuff I have to do and I can't remember half of it. I really really hope they send me a packet or something because I'll forget it (even though I wrote it all down ;))
5/26/05
So I had my last "surgery class" today. I have been seeing a nutrionist for a year before I even began thinking about surgery but I had to switch to a different nutritionist since surgery patients' needs are different. Anyway, these classes talk about how nutrition needs change, what the eating "schedule" will be before and after the surgery, etc. I'm very very happy to learn things like cottage cheese, really mushed eggs, even tuna fish are ok the first week or two after. Now I'm just sort of freaking out...it's a lot of information. She also addressed my fears about the throwing up part. Most important...eating slowly. I have to start practicing that. Even drinking slowly. That sorta makes me nervous too. I sound like a baby, don't I? lol. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that on here. I read posts where people are living on sugar free popsicles and jello weeks out of surgery. I'm glad to know that's not what you have to do. I was also happy to know that it's 64oz of any liquid..not just water. Wooohooo!!
Anyway, so I've met with the anesthesiologist, I need to make my pre-op physical appt with my doctor and I think that's it...oh the blood tests. Geez...seems like before surgery your whole life revolves around the surgery. When do you have time for the rest of your life - my files are piling up at work! lol.
6/11/05
3 weeks to go. Oy. That's such a long time! Of course, I still have a million things to do. I put in my time off sheet, but of course everyone wants to know where I'm going (they think it's vacation). But I had to tell someone it was surgery (not what kind) because when I do get back to work I may need help getting back and forth to the court house with files (I'm a lawyer). Soooo....inevitably people ask what kind. So, um, I lied. I LIED...lol. But what did they expect me to do?! The last thing I'd ever do is tell these peopel what I'm doing. But, I've dug myself a little hole..lol. Oh well.
My therapist and I talk about dating and he always laughs as me and says "Meredith, for someone who thinks men aren't attracted to her you sure seem to have a lot of dates." Yeah, but we need quality right? Right. Let's see, I'm 31 and my last 2 "boyfriends" were an alcoholic (boy I so didnt' see that one coming) and someone who's divorce was less than a year old and had clearly not gotten over it...I think when he told me he dreams about blowing up her car I decided there might be a problem. So, maybe after I lose weight emotionall healthy men will be interested. Of course, that would totally piss me off! :)
Ok, off to shop for post-op supplies. Boy, I'm not going to make it ;)
 | You scored as Summer. You are SUMMER. Life is to be -lived-.. dance, sing, and make merry. Adversity is simply something to overcome. You embrace life with both arms, not only because you love it, but to squeeze out of it all that you can.
What Season Are You? created with QuizFarm.com |
6/21/05
So I had my pre-op physical and everything looks good. In fact, my cholesterol is down which is funny because the only thing I've changed is eating more veggies. Weird. But other than that, it's A ok. I'm going to start on the pre-op high protein/low carb diet a little early. We're supposed to do it 10 days before to shrink the liver, but I'm going to start tomorrow....see if maybe I can lose a pound or two before surgery. Let me tell you, eating 2 meal replacements a day....yuck! But you gotta do what you gotta do. Gulp.
I realized how lucky I was when I was having my physical. My doctor and I are just so stunned this is happening. Neither one of us really thought I'd get approved. She has patients who are 500lbs and desperately need the surgery and are denied, and then there's me. I mean part of the reason I agreed to submit it is because I never thought I'd get approved. Now I'm just so thankful. And scared.
7/1/05
I'm going to update now because I don't think I'll have a chance before my surgery date. I have to be there at 9am. I can't believe it's only a few days away. Unbelievable. So I was supposed to do this low carb thing for 10 days before to shrink my liver and I totally fell off the wagon. I can't believe I did that. I suck sometimes. But I can't worry about it, I have to just keep going tomorrow until my surgery date. Will be an interesting 4th of July :)
So I'm not really sure what my thoughts are right now. I don't think it has entirely sunk it that I'm doing this and probably won't until the night before. My parents are a little edgy but I think that's normal. They were uneasy about this from the beginning but only because of the surgery part. They are completely supportive. right now I'm just trying to think about how fast/slow I will lose, how easily I will adjust to the sipping and eating slowly (that's always been a hard thing for me). All of it is just so overwhelming, but I'm glad my mom will be there to help me. Here's to not having an problems, no pain, and a speedy recovery. Next time I report, I'll be on the losing side.
Cheers and HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!
7/12/05
Well, I'm officially a week post-op. I don't know how much weight I've lost, probably not a bunch. How do I feel? I feel ok. No real pain, just the abdominal aches...feels like I've done too many crunches. Can't wait for that feeling to go away.
I wish I could say surgery was a breeze. The surgery team was excellent, my anesthesiologist was a dream, the nurses saints. But I do remember my first thought in rocovery was "oh my gosh, what have I done to myself??" It was painful, the bed uncomfortable, the JP drain a nightmare. But I came home in two days as expected. In all, I wasn't in that much pain...just the aches in my abs because, afterall, they did take a beating.
I've been eating well. 1/4 cup - 1/2 cup of food at a time. The fullness feeling is a bit weird...feels more like indigestion than fullness :) I'm still dealing with the gas from the surgery so I think some of the abdominal pain is from that as well...aaannndddd, I started my you know what a week and a half early!! As I've said before in this profile, I have the patience of a two yr old, so the sooner these aches and pains go away the better.
It's also weird learning to know when I'm overdoing it as far as moving around goes. I think I did yesterday and as a result I'm having some more abdominal pain...but who knows what that really is...there's so much going on down there right now it's unbelievable. I see my surgeon for my one week follow-up tomorrow, so we'll see what he says.
In generaly, am I happy I did this? I think it's too soon for me to be jumping for joy right now....but I'm not miserable, so that says something.
7/14/05
Well, I had my first post-op appt with my surgeon yesterday. He said the surgery went excellent, I've lost 12lbs. and he said from looking at me you can't even tell I just had surgery :) I don't have to go back to see him until November. Honestly, I do feel really great. Yesterday was really the first day I felt really goody. I am tired today...but no pain, no discomfort.
I also met with my nutritionist and I'm moving on to soft foods now. No red meat, but other things are fine. Last night I had some fish and asparagus and had no problems. Eating real food sort of makes me nervous though. Let's just hope everything goes smoothly.
7/18/05
I don't even feel like I had surgery...let alone only being one day shy of 2 weeks out. I feel great. I'm starting my old scale habit again though...I weigh myself everyday. I do it because I'm not seeing the results so many people on here seem to have. 2 weeks out and I'm down 12lbs. I know, I know...that's good, but it just seems like everyone else is down 20lbs or so at this point. Oh well.
According to my nutritionist, I have to eat 65-95 grams of protein a day. Surprisingly, I'm actually getting it in!! Who knew!! The shakes really help and the double protein milk. I found some no sugar added Nestle Quick so that really helps - just make myself a glass of double protein chocolate milk...yummy. And I've tolerated everything I've eaten so far. My brother-in-law even grilled some sirloin and I cut some really tiny pieces and ate them with no trouble. I was excited. So far, so good...just wish the weight would come off faster :)
7/23/05
First let me say I am perfectly aware that I should throw my scale out. But, I can't. I am, however, going to make a concerted effort not to get on it. I have regular appts with my nutritionist, so I will just weigh myself there. Gulp.
I wish I could say I was happy about this surgery thing. Don't get me wrong, I know 6 months from now I will have a totally different attitude, but right now I'm frustrated, bored, irritated, etc.
Why am I frustrated, bored, irritated, etc?? Well, after trying so hard for 3 years to lose weight and not being successful because of this stupid Syndrome X, everyone said that WLS would be perfect for me. And yes, I have lost 12lbs, but it's been 3 weeks. I'm bored with the food I'm eating...if I have to eat one more piece of chicken or fish or beans I'm going to be sick. I grew up eating low fat meals so my mom has a whole slew of recipies that are low fat and delicious..like her taco salad, or lasagne. I want something like that and I can't. I wasn't prepared for the amount of things I wouldn't be able to eat because of the sugar. I'm frustrated because I'm not losing weight. Almost 3 weeks out and I didnt' lose a single pound in a week. I'm getting in all my protein and my liquids and I'm exercising....and nothing. So, if it's going this now, what's it going to be like 3 months from now!?!?!?!
I called my nutritionist to see if she had any idea and all she said (and there's no scientific evidence to support this, merely her observations) is that with some of her younger patients who were a little more fit heading into surgery meaning they were already working out, and had a little less weight to lose, they didn't have a typical first month..that the loss was slower. I hope she's right. I hope there's something magical about the second month.
7/29/05
I just read my last post. Obviously I was a bit frustrated :) Anyway, I've lost 16lbs in 3 weeks. Not the dramatic loss I was hoping for, but it's a loss, right? Right. Of course, had I not gained weight in the last couple of months, it would have been much better, but what can I do?
I met with my therapist on Tuesday. I realized that what I thought was boredom, was actually just me changing. I realized as I was sitting there talking to him that I wasn't bored, rather food has evolved into a necessity rather than a pleasure. When I eat now, I eat because my body needs fuel, or I need more protein, or I need more water. I don't sit there in the morning thinking about what yummy thing I will have for lunch, instead I look at the clock and figure out when I last fed my body. It's such a change...it's a whole new world. I'm not as frustrated as I was. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY wish I was losing at a faster pace, but I realize I do have a little less to lose, I am losing and not gaining, and as long as I follow the rules, I will lose weight. Ok, so my 90lbs may not be off by Christmas (sigh) but that's ok.
8/11/05
I had my one my follow-up with the nutritionist. As of 8/3 I'd lost 21lbs which she said was right on target. She told me the weight loss will slow down now to about 2-3lbs a week. She also told me to move onto balanced meals and incorporate whole grains, more fruits, raw veggies, etc. And, we talked about restaurants. I told her I was afraid of them...what in the world am I supposed to eat anything? so, she talked me down, told me to not be afraid and even told me what kinds of things to have at different restaurants.
So then I went out of town that weekend to see a friend and I actually had to eat every meal in a restuarant. It was a nightmare. I ordered a salad since I hadn't had one since surgery. But the problem was I had no idea how much I could eat and by the time I realized I was full it was too late!! I didn't get sick but I was soooo full it was awful. Then we had pizza. I ate one small piece. BIG mistake. No more pizza dough for me. So I came back home and I thought I'd put on a pound or two. And this week my loss has been slow. So I'm frustrated right now. REALLY frustrated. I'm going to go back to eating protein and try to stay away from bread as much as possible. But that's just so boring! Oh, and the protein shakes I've been drinking...they make me want to throw up now. So, now I have to find a new one. What a pain.
8/21/05
So I still haven't been able to drink my protein shakes. All of the shakes I try make me gag as they are going down. I ordered some samples from Vitalady.com but it still hasn't arrived which is annoying. Without those shakes it's nearly impossible to get my protein in. Ugh.
So I had to go out of town...again. I really hate that. When I go out of town it seems I'm always doing activities that preclude me drinking the water but even worse, I'm not eating on my schedule so I don't get the protein in. Very annoying.
Would appear I'm still a slllooowww loser. I go to see my psych this week, so we'll see what the official scale says. I bet I'm officially down 5lbs since I saw my nutritionist on the 3rd. That's a bit annoying since I'm supposed to be losing 2-3lbs a week. Oh well...at least I'm losing right? Right. I just have to keep telling my self that.
I have started having cravings for really strange things..things I didnt' even eat before surgery. For example, doughnuts. I'd kill for a doughnut right now. And I didn't even like doughnuts before....too cakey. I'd also kill for a diet coke. Sigh. Oh, and chocolate...man I want a piece of chocolate. It's so crazy because I didn't even eat a lot of that stuff before. It's just weird that I stay away from anything with sugar in it. I'm not even willing to test the sugar thing. 1) I really have no desire to see what dumping feels like; and 2) I'm afraid I'll be able to tolerate it which would be a very bad thing.
And to make matters worse, food generally makes me want to puke right now. Nothing I eat tastes good...I'm tired of lunch meat I take to work, tuna is just yucky right now, and chicken...oy. Man, I'm a barrel of laughs tonight, aren't I? I guess it's just all part of the journey.
8/24/05
Oh man, I have the munchies today. I have no idea what's going on. This is the first time it's really happened to me since surgery. Maybe I'm PMSing...that's all messed up since surgery. Thank goodness all my snacks are low carb and low cal...lol. Oh, and thank GOD for Soy Crisps!!!!!!!!!!!!
8/27/05
So I went to see my therapist yesterday. Everything really is going well. I've tolerated everything I've eaten which is nice. And a little scary at the same time if that makes sense. And I'm down 29.4lbs since my surgery date 7 weeks ago. I just have to keep telling myself that it's good! But if you've read any of the profiles on here you see people losing 30lbs in their 1st month. Brad (the therapist) told me to stop paying attention to that and reminded me that I have less than 100lbs to lose and that I won't lose at the same rate. Sigh. I know.
So we set a goal to have 50lbs by Thanksgiving. That's totally doable. And if I do that, then I have only 35-40lbs to goal. Anyway, I am really starting to miss some things. For example, I'm really tired of water, crystal light, and tea. I'd love to just have a diet coke. Just one!! And the other thing I'm starting to miss is chocolate. I didnt' eat a ton of it before. But now I can't even have just one hershey's kiss. I mean, I could test the waters, but I'm not. I dont' want to dump or find out I can tolerate it. That could be dangerous. I'm just hoping this feeling of missing out goes away.
9/8/05
Not much is going on. My clothes are getting too big. Of course, I still have stuff in my closet from last year that I haven't been able to wear in a while, so I don't have to go shopping yet :) I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I'm still managing to get my protein and liquid in, but I have to push it. I sit down to eat and I just can't finish it. That's how it was today. I see my nutritionist for my 2 month follow up next week. I still feel great. In fact, I have to remind myself I had surgery only 2 months ago. If my scale is right, I'm down about 35lbs in 2 months. Not too shabby!!!
9/13/05
So I had my follow up with my nutritionist...10 weeks out and I'm down 36.2lbs. WOOHOO!!! She's incredibly happy. And at this rate, I'll be at my 50lb goal before Thanksgiving.
I am starting to notice more shedding with my hair. I don't know if it's really "falling out" as when I wash my hair I don't have clumps of it in my hands. But she said not to worry, that I may continue to shed, but after about 6 months I'll be ok. Let's just hope i don't get clumps!!!
9/24/05
Have I said the milky, shake-like protein shakes make me gag now? I was fine for the first 6 weeks or so and now I take a sip and I start gagging. It's making getting all my protein in really difficult. I've ordered more samples but UPS and I can't seem to get our act together for me to be able to get the package. So for the last week or so my protein levels have been way down. I need to get that back up!!!!
So here's funny, or not so funny, story. I had a date last night and he wanted chinese food. My nutritionist said everyone dumps with that so I was a little nervous. We ended up going to this asian place with Thai and Chinese and I freaked. Had no idea what to order. So, I went with pad thai with chicken thinking I'll just eat the chicken, it will be ok. So, we ate. About 30 mins later I started sweating like a mad man, intestinal cramping. So I went to the bathroom and yep...pad thai is definitely off my list. And on a first date!!!! I guess it wasn't a total disaster since we're going out again, but oy!!
10/2/05
Well, it's official. I have the munchies when it's that time of the month. I just feel like I'm eating all the time. In reality, I know that's not true, but it sure feels like it. It just makes me nervous. I remember the first time I was able to eat a whole lean cuisine. I freaked out and thought I was eating way too much. It was just some rice with a few steak strips and veggies. It's funny how this surgery messes with your head - you eat anything close to a regular portion size and you think you're eating too much. I just have to make sure I keep eating the right portions and not stop myself from eating.
10/11/05
So nothing has been happening. Weight loss has slowed, but I think that's mostly because I've been so busy at work I haven't been able to plan out my food for the day like I used to. I also had that issue with the protein drinks and it's taken me forever to find one I'm ok with. So, I haven't been getting enough protein in consistently. It's amazing how something like that can effect the weight loss...so believe your nutritionist when s/he tells you that :)
So I added a pic to my profile. It was from a wedding I went to a couple of weeks ago. It's funny...but the difference between the two photos is about 40 lbs and yet I can't tell a difference at all. That's my brother with the goofy glasses on his head.
So anyway..nothing really to report...at all. 9 more pounds and I'll make my goal by Thanksgiving. Woohoo!!
10/19/05
Holy Cow! I'm only 4lbs away from Onederland!!!!! I can't believe it! I met with my psych yesterday and I finally had an issue I needed to talk about. So, I've started dating. It's funny how 50lbs makes a world of difference in the life of dating - I'm dating a couple of people right now (only really really like one of them, but more on him later :)). Anyway, I went out with one of them on Sunday and we sat there talking for a while. We ordered an appetizer, I of course only ate a little. A while later I ordered something else, ate about 1/4 of it. Then, he ordered a dessert for us to share!! I made up a story about giving up sugar. It was banana pudding and I carefully ate one slice of banana and took a teeny tiny bite of the pudding. It's weird. I don't want to look like one of those stupid girls who is afraid to eat on a date because I'm soooo not one of those people. But at the same time, I have no desire to tell people I've had this surgery. Part of me thinks I'll keep it a secret as long as I possibly can and will only tell my husband if I have to :) This guy didnt' ask too many questions which was cool, but it is a terribly uncomfortable situation. But he's really great, so I won't complain too much :)
11/1/05
So I've been having problems lately with eating enough and getting enough protein in. This is the first time this has happened to me. Right out of surgery I was getting everything in, and I was good for the first 2 months. But now, my "normal" life has kicked. I get really busy at work, I'm too tired, or lazy, to plan my meals for the next day and as I'm running out the door for work I grab a handful of stuff for the day. Then when I get home whatever I had planned goes out the window because I'm too tired. My hair is now falling out. Not handfuls, but when I wash it, it's more than it was before. The whole thing is just depressing me, and it's a little scary because the weight keeps coming off. I know that's the bad part..I do, really. I should be eating enough and getting all my protein in, but I don't really worry about it because I'm still losing. My goal was to be at 50lbs gone by Thanksgiving. Well, I totally blew that out of the water.
AND to top it all off, I've in fact determined I will have skin issues which completely freaks me out. I mean how ugly is it when your clothes are off?!?! When you're dressed, it's cool because whatever you're wearing pulls it all in and it's all good, then you have to get undressed. Ugh. Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff?? I'm only 31, you'd think it wouldn't be that big of an issue, and since I had less than 100lbs to lose.....sigh. I guess it doesn't really matter.
5/27/06
SIGH!!!! Ok, so I've been MIA for a while and apparently every post after November of last year is gone. And to top that off, I can't find the email from the last time I backed up my journal. DOUBLE SIGH!!! I think I had some great stuff in there, too. Oh well. But I am really irritated.
I can't even begin to remember what I had written about so I'll just try to update from that last post. I am about 10lbs from my "goal." More on that later. I also quit my job....I'm not an attorney anymore and it's wonderful. In all honesty, I credit that decision to having the surgery. The two major stress points in my life were my weight and my job. I finally conquered my weight and I realized how unhappy I was with what I was doing. I had no passion for anything; I just went about my daily business jut getting along. So, I quit. With no real plan, and no real savings (lawyers don't make the dough people thing and on top of that our student loans are astronomical). But anyway, so here I am. I took the real estate exam and I'm a real estate broker in Chicago. So, if anyone needs to buy or sell, let me know!! But seriously...I'm so much happier...so much more relaxed. I finally know what it's like to enjoy what you do for a living.
So, back to the weight thing. I think my BMI is a point away from "normal." What does that mean for me? I don't really know. I guess I had visions of waking up one day and just being this skinny hot girl. Well, alas, I'm not. I'm much smaller, dont' get me wrong. People tell me that all the time, and duh, I shop now and can read sizes. But I still feel "fat." My doctor said we suffer from the same sort of thing as anorexics...that we think there could always be 10 more pounds or whatever. Now, I did choose a goal weight on the higher side of the spectrum, so I knew I wouldn't be skinny minny. But I just wish I felt....well....pretty I guess. How screwed up is that? I had a particularly fat feeling day yesterday. It sucked. I caught a glimpse of myself in a window as I was coming back from Starbucks....sigh. It's these damn rolls and skin!!!! If my skin hadn't been so stretched out all these years (sorry if that's gross) then it might hold in some of this fat. But sadly it does not and as a result I have the dreaded bulges...my tummy is a mess. AGH!!!! If it's not one thing, it's the other...right girls?
I also need new pics. I can't believe how awful those are..lol. And how old! I was talking to my sister last night and we realized everyone spaced the day before my surgery and no one took before pics! Can you believe that?!?!?!?!?! We're all airheads. I come from a long, but distinguished, line of airheads. But I'll see what I can do.
And I'd like to give a shout out to my girls at the Wellness Inst. support group (you know who you are). I can't tell you how much it means to me that someone read this and got something from it. The surgery has changed my life, perhaps not as dramatically as some people, but nevertheless, it was the best decision I made. And knowing that my dribble along these pages amused or inspired people makes me smile. So....THANK YOU!!!
I just added a more recent pic of me below. I'm about 177...sorry it's only a head shot.
07/01/06
So, it's almost a year to the date of my surgery. I had my regular 6 week check-in with my doctor and nutritionist and I have my year follow-up with my surgeon on the 13th. My doctor, Dr. Roth (who is the best doctor ever!!) asked me, in reflection, how the year was. I can honestly say it's been a great year. I've lost 30% of my body weight which puts me almost to my goal of 165. I still have some weight to lose, but alas I've been maintaining for the last 3 months. I moved in with my sister who keeps junk in the house so my nutritionist suspects when I move out I'll lose the weight...I think she's right. But anyway, I've had no problems...at all. I had an easy recovery, no complications, I've tolerated everything (that's good and bad..lol), and I'm wearing a size 12 which I thought would never happen. I have some issues to work on with myself..like body image. I still see my self as the "fat girl," and my niece referred to me as chubby which was heart breaking (she's 7 so I didn't wring her neck and I think she thinks she was complimenting me).
So there you have it...if I could do it all over again, I would in a heart beat - even knowing that I didn't make it all the way to my goal in year. Part of that is my fault, and part of it is just being at that 30%, so I won't be too hard on myself.
I do have some exciting news though...I'm moving back to California. I was born and raised there, but I haven't lived there since I was a kid so I'm really excited. By this time next year I'll probably be married :) Yes, I'm partly moving for a guy. We've known eachother for 8 years. He dated me when I was my heaviest. I hadn't seen him in about 2 years so it was a shock when he saw me. I'm about 100lbs lighter than I was when he first dated me. Anyway, he's awesome and thought I was beautiful even when I was fat. We sort of found eachother again so I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Over the last year I've lost 75lbs, quit my job as an attorney, and I'm moving half way across the country to live with the man who just very well may be Mr. Right. That's a lot of stuff!! So, now I just have to find a doctor out there which bums me out because I love my doctors here. Oh well.
9/23/06
So I'm here. It's been a tough transition. I started a new job just after Labor Day and I had to fight with the movers to get all my stuff. Between the climate change, the new job, the move...I'm a little stressed out. My hair has started falling out again. I don't think I'm getting enough protein so I just order some Profecta vials. They aren't too bad and at only 2.5 oz it's like a big shot so they are easy to drink. My dietician told me about them. Oh, and I don't have a scale here so I have no idea what I weigh and haven't been on a scale since Aug 12!!!! I'm freaking out.
Did I mention I was training for my first race?? I did it on Aug 3. It was 103 degrees that day with 90% humidity. I didnt' do as well as I wanted, but I was under 30 mins so that's good. But I did it...I ran 3 miles. I even have a picture to prove it!! :) Since I've moved my running has totally slacked off. I can't seem to find a routine with the new job and my commute. Oh well. I'm also looking for a support group in my area which is proving difficult. Oh well.
I have been getting sick lately. It seems dinner never agrees with me. I get nauseous or light headed...like I'm dumping or something. Although my dumping is just nausea which is a good thing. I've never actually been sick, but it's such a gross feeling. Anyway, I get sick a lot after dinner. I don't think it's a stricture, but I emailed my doctor in Chicago just to be sure. We'll see what she says.
3/22/07
Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I no longer get sick when I eat. I don't know what that was...stress, all the changes...who knows. The bad news is that I've gained 10lbs since that post. I haven't been counting my protein. I never did find a support group near me but I don't live in Fremont anymore. Now on to the good stuff.
I got engaged!!! Yep...I'm getting married in July. Oh, and I bought a house so I've also moved...again :) Needless to say I've had so many life changes that I've gotten really lazy about my nutrition. The move didn't help. I feel really lost without the Wellness Institute at Northwestern. I haven't been able to find a doctor out here - the two I've been to were a little mean about the surgery and really skeptical about my health and both made me retake blood tests to prove I was healthy. Sooooo....I've gained some weight....12lbs I believe. I just can't get on track which is why I've come back to OH. This was such a source of inspiration to me when I was pre-op and post-op that I've come back for help. I will begin attending the support group here and hopefully I will be able to find my way back. Afterall, I have a white dress to fit into in a few months and I do NOT want to look like the Michelin Man!!