HOLY F*#K - am I CRAZY?!?!

Aug 10, 2010

Okay I am going to be honest with you and hope that you understand that I am JUST one person.

I had the surgery July 29/09 and have lost 101 lbs.  I can't believe how much I have lost and I am so GRATEFUL to have been able to have this surgery.  NOW FOR THE OTHER PART.....

If I am honest with MYSELF I think that I was expecting so many "glorious and wonderful" things to change in my life when I lost the weight.  I thought I would have all this energy, I thought I would feel so wonderful (less depression - which I have suffered with since I was 14- long story - won't go there)  BUT I have lost 100lbs and people compliment me all of the time....EVERY day....especially the people who knew me at 243 lbs but I even get compliments from strangers and you know what????   I physically and emotionally feel awful. 

AGAIN I WANT TO STRESS THAT I AM ONLY ONE PERSON - WITH ONE EXPERIENCE TO SHARE AND A LOT OF BAGGAGE AND HELL FROM MY 34 YEARS ON THIS EARTH.

I am sick a lot of the time with vomiting or diarrhea.  I have next to NO energy and that is one of the major reasons I did this was to have more energy to keep up with my two incredible baby boys (ages 3 and 4.5) but I haven't found it yet.  Now this next part is very hard for me to say and admit - but the mind plays a HUGE role in how we feel. Our perspectives on life in general and as a whole make a world of difference.  I am very afraid and am scared to admit this to myself (as I cry while I am typing this) that I am stopping myself from feeling better somehow.  I don't know why I would do this - only a crazy person would want to be/feel sick all of the time but I just don't know of any other reason why after losing all this weight and being in a successful marriage for 8 years and have two pretty wonderful and healthy children that I would somewhere inside myself want to feel so horrible and sick all of the time. 

I wish you the best.  I agree with the other person who posted and stated to apply now as the process for being approved is a long and grueling one.  Don't worry you won't be like me.  Just know that it doesn't all get to be "roses and rainbows" once the weight is gone.

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