Marveta

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I've made my way back here--- have flown many miles and I am in a LOT of trouble right now. 

I guess I thought when I had this surgery that this would solve all o fmy problems. I see in all honesty- I cannot hide behind food anymore- but I picked up something else and now I have to find a doctor to stop that. 

I would say what is happening- but- since I am a flight attendant- I don't want to lose my job for mental defect. 

I need to find a pain management specialist, a psychologist, and my support group fo the post-surgery life. 

I'll be honest- I'm in a lot of emotional pain right now and I'm looking for help. Its hard to find post-op sometimes- especially with my schedule... I'm usually 30,000 feet in the air.

I know that things will get better- I just need a bit more time. 

Right now I'm going to try to enjoy these two days off and then get back on my game. 

Okay okay okay... I know you haven't heard from me in a LONG LONG LONG time now...and things weren't so great last time I wrote.. but things are WONDERFUL... I mean absolutely WONDERFUL now.

I've been blessed beyond belief. 

I am a Flight Attendant now-

I applied for this job just to see if I had lost enough weight to get it... and guess what... I DID!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I am down to 220lbs now. Its been so long since I've seen 220lbs... that was high school.

I had to see the doctor the other day because I got hurt on the job- he hadn't seen me since I weight 309lbs in his office... he almost fell on his face. His nurse said "OH MY GOD- WHAT DID YOU DO?!"--- in a good way that was ~LOL~..... I was standing in her office with a pair of black jeans and a cute little shirt--- 

Right now I'm working on trying to get the body contouring plastic surgery. I need my breast, stomach, arms, and thighs done--- also known as a full body lift. There are some new pics of me on the site now- so check them out. 
I have to get going- need to fly to Atlanta.... 

I'll write more tomorrow.... 

I am not in the mood to celebrate- everything seems to be crumbling around me right now. I want to start cutting again. I'm tired. I'm working too much. I need some rest- I know that I do. I just- don't know how to anymore. 

I've eaten more today than I have in a while. 

I think its stress. 

I bought some new jeans- and they are going back to the store- not because they don't fit. but because I don't deserve them and I can't really afford to spend 20 bucks on some jeans right now. 

I want to hide. 

I want to run. 

I am listening to my 80's cd right now- but the song I have mostly on my mind right now is not on it. Perhaps I should make a new cd.

The song is "Invincible" by Pat Benatar---

"Won't anybody help us?
What are we running for?
When there's no where, no where we can run to anymore"

I am not sorry that I have had this surgery- but I am sorry about the emotions that have come along with it. 
I was having a hard time coping before- but now- its gotten totally out of hand. Honestly- I need a new job and some rest- sheesh above all else I need some rest. 

I have to learn to say no to people also. 

Perhaps the reason why I don't is to stop them for having that same rejected feeling that I have most of the time. 

I was thinking of my pouch stretching- I don't even care about that anymore. I don't care about anything anymore. 
I wish God would take me away- but he won't- I know he won't. Keke said I have a lot left to do. 

I am lonely.
I am scared.
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am tired.

"Do you wanna eat?
Do you wanna sleep?
Do you wanna shout?
Just settle down
Settle down
Settle down"

I wrote a new poem---

Mirrors

A song plays gently as she looks
into a mirror of her soul
what would she do if she could feel
something else right now
She would give just about
anything
to go back to Miss Priss
pinks, purples, and blues
rainbows and sunshine
bright smiles
and sparkling brown eyes
not the bags that she sees
cold dead eyes staring back at- not pretty
I can't let this go
I tried to put her out
but she has made her home here
So I let her stay
too tired to fight anymore
Everyone has moved on
and she remained here
dreaming of everything missed at home
resolved to what she really is
one to be used
one to cry
waiting her turn
to lay down and die
but she won't go away
no matter how small she gets
nips here and tucks there
won't work
they won't come anyway
there aren't enough needles
there isn't enough pain
to make her leave
and never come back again
"Don't Cry" the man sang
"Shut up!" she yelled back
She screamed again - "You lied"
"And when you're in need of someone
My heart won't deny you."- BULLSHIT!
He married his whore
he would have married
this whore- but-
she was the wrong color
and that is what it comes down to-
black and white
a fantasy fulfilled
paying a terrible price
mommy and daddy don't agree
he said he did love and care
but he lied to me- no- her- not me!
so here she sits
scorned and bitter
staring out the window
at a long bleak winter
Don't come for her
just let her go
just let her be
let her drift where she is
one day- she will be free 

I am rambling- I know- but I don't have any razors right now so I can't cut- so you have to listen to me. But you don't really hear... do you? 

Nah- you don't. 

But its okay. 

I have to go now anyway.

I decided to go use his scale today instead of the one at home. I started off at 320lbs today I am 243. Most people would rejoice at this... and my sister gave me a gentle reminder of how blessed I am. I was praying I would have hit the century mark in this 4 months. So I'm going back to basics a bit... at least my 4 week foods. (Does salsa count?)

I want to talk to him about the plastic surgery. I WANT MY NEW BODY dang it! 

~grumbles~

23 pounds to go until the century mark. I am determined to have that happen in like 2-3 weeks. 

I think I can do it. If I go allll the way back to the beginning. 

But I  think I am too active now to go all the way back to the broth and tea. 

I'll figure something out. Soon... I pray.