It is a woe is me kinda day!!

Jun 02, 2015

Moody blues.  

I left a post last month saying big update post incoming...  Well, this is it with a twist.  Today, I had my 1.5yr checkup with my doctor.  Since my last visit in December I have lost another 25lbs.  WOOHOO.  However, I have gained 3 lbs since March.  =( Oh, 3 lbs. lol I know, but i promised those 3 lbs have weighted so heavy on my mind and body they could almost be 100lbs.  I quit smoking and was a non-smoker for OVER a year.  Really it was from June 2013 until July 2014 that I was a non-smoker.  Guess who is smoking again?  Moreover, I don't know how to quit this time.  The first time around, after smoking for 10+ yrs.; it was easy smoking = no surgery!  I don't have that incentive this time around.  

I look at what a transformation my body has made, all the good the weight loss (still totally 240lb down) and think your going to ruin it with ending up with cancer and still dying early!  Why??  Did you pick them back up??  Crazy Lune!!

Anyways, I digress.  So, today was my 1.5yr check up.  I got approved for plastic surgery.  LOLOL.  I need my middle, thighs, arms, neck, boobs and sideboob skin all done.  I wouldn't mind having my rear done also.  How in the world am I going to afford these?  I really would settle for stomach/back, thighs, and arms.... but heck after considering all those and shelling out for those...a couple grand more and I can have it all done!  Looking into insurance options now, but they are not going to cover cosmetics. And, woe is my who bathes twice or three days a day.  So, i have not had the skin infections.  I shower before the gym, after the gym, and before bed.  Who knew being clean would end up costing my a 100 thousand plus??  But, we shall see.  My doc was very happy with my results--although he knows that I have gained a bit of weight.  I know with my period it brings on 3-4lbs and I am due to start soon so maybe it is all water weight.  

He asked me straight up, "are you smoking?"  Of course, i reeked of cigarette smoke.  I vaped and smoked on the 2 hr drive to the appt.  So, I told the truth.  Quite simple, you have to quit and I need to see you back in 3 months to see if you have gained anymore weight.  Together we are aiming for 10 entire pounds by September!

No plastic will touch me (or should) without me being smoke free for 4 weeks at least. And, there is my incentive for stopping smoking again.

All this skin, I thought who the "f" will care--well that is something they don't prepare you for.  ALL THE SKIN!!  AND YOU DO CARE!!  You work your butt off in the gym, for give up sugars, carbs (potatoes), sodas, etc...  For this new life style, this life saving life style....Only to look like a starving elephant when naked!  I am in a size 14 and wrap my self in enough spandex to cloth a small nation, yet in a swimsuit and naked i resemble that starving elephant!!  Imagine a huge elephant, proud and strong...then imagine that elephant draped in skin folds!  

And, men! That is another can of worms.  My baby making window is closing, I am 34!!  And, now to add to the books is not finding someone who is attracted to a 440lb woman!  But now a man who will accept this "starving elephant"! .......  I would never change what I did.  And, it is just a bleak moment.  I am a beautiful, strong, and smart woman!  Just one who is finding herself in a very moody blues moment!!

Until next time, 

GoingStrong!!

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