Mimi G.

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 Next month will be 5 years since I had lap-band surgery. I went to see my surgeon yesterday and on the questionairre they give you at each appt., where it asked if I had any requests/concerns, I wrote (in all caps GET THIS THING OUT OF ME...NOW! I have talked with him about it several times over the years, but as I have been unemployed and without health insurance for the past 2 years, there was little I could do about it. I finally asked what it would cost (he estimated about 2K)  and I said let's do it! I just want this foreign, annoying, piece of crap out of my body. It has never worked for me. All the weight I lost initially was due to being on a liquid diet. Once I started eating solid food again, the band was either too tight (couldnt take my meds, food got 'stuck' which was painful and SO inconvenient and annoying (spending 15 mins hanging my head over a toilet with my finger down my throat trying to relieve the pain-- especially bothersome in restaurants-- Or too loose (no restriction at all). When it was tight enough to eat, the only foods I could eath without getting stuck were carbs (which make me gain). My family was patient, but I'm sure it got to be a source of resentment for them. Protein always got stuck. I was miserable. I tried a fill about 3 months ago (after being empty for 2 years) and it was the same story. I even gained weight, because the drive to eat SOMETHING was greater than I could bear, and carbs were my only option. I got unfilled a month ago and lost 7 lbs. As long as I stick to protein and veggies (NO sugar at all-- no artificial sweetner, no grains or legumes) I feel good and can slowly lose weight-- to a point. I still have a problem with portion control. So what I am pondering now is if I should have VSG surgery after the band is removed. Dr. Billy said he had no reservations that I'd be down to my goal weight of 150 within 6 months. (I haven't weighed 150 since I was 25-- actually my lowest was 155-- and I'm now 43). Oh, the temptation to have the weight fall off. I could reach my goal weight before I die. I really dont think I could do it on my own. So my big dilemma is, do I want another surgery? Do I want the expense, the drama, and more importantly, the risk involved in surgery. My mom recently passed away from a ruptured aneurysm and subsequent stroke (at age 62). My grandma died a month later from vascular dementia/a parylized esophagus, and a broken heart. My son has no one left but me... so do I have the surgery so that I can be healthier to take care of him longer? Or do I dare risk a post surgical blood clot or worse? God, I just dont know. For now I am working on gettting some type of health insurance to cover both procedures, and in the meantime, if anyoe has any words of wisdom for me, I will gratefully ruminate.

In two months I will be looking at my one year band-iversary, and until last week I was not very happy about it. I started out being fairly successful-- not the gangbusters weightloss that some of my band sisters were experiencing. But I didn't have quite as much too lose, so I figured it would be proportionate. In the first several months I dropped 42 lbs-- the last 2 were very fleeting, as I gained them back immediately. Two weeks after my second fill I experienced a tightness in my band that made it impossible for me to get down my meds. I couldn't eat any food and I had a hard time taking in liquids. I went in for a flouro and the doc found a kink in my tubing. It looks like when you bend a straw, and its bent at about a 20º angle. It made it impossible for him to unfil me. So he had to manipulate the tubing manually to get some fluid out. He ended up taking out too much. No more restriction.

Over the next 3 months I slowly got filled til I felt something close to restriction-- not enough to stop me eating. I needed a few drops more. So he gave it to me. I immediately started vomiting up water. I couldn't get down the barium for the swallow. I couldnt swallow my own saliva. So back on the table for an unfill. Again he couldn't draw out the fluid because of the kink. He manipulated...nothing. He pulled out the syringe to try another one (left the needle in) and while he turned around I started to feel wetness running down my side. The saline was squirting out on its own. I had relief...but no measure of how much fluid I'd lost. And too much trauma to the port site to have another fill for a month.

In that month waiting for my next fill I gained 6lbs. A total of 17 lbs was back of the 42 I initially lost. And I was still paying off this surgery! I was pissed. I told my doc I was pissed. And he truly sympathized. He's a great doctor--very tough and focused--an excellent motivator and very, very smart. But he's also very human. He took lots of time with me, discussing my goals, ways to improve my chances at achieving success, etc. And then he gave me a very agressive fill. This time I could swallow water...but it was a challenge. I was happy.

So that was 4 days ago....and I'm already down 4.5 lbs. Thank God. I can eat...but very VERY carefully. Tiny bites (pea sized) chewed well (this is so hard for me...I'm a wolfer) and I'm tracking every calorie that goes into my mouth again. Something I had given up on months ago.

So I feel like I've been given a second chance at this. And I really want it to work for me. The most interesting part is that its taken me 10 months for my 'epiphany' that for this band to work for me I have to SERIOUSLY cut back on my food intake. I mean, DUH. But still...subconciously I was not totally on board with that fact. I ate less, yeah. Considerably less. But not being able to finish a single egg seemed ridiculously severe to me. So I would force it down. I can't believe how hard headed I am that its taken me 10 months to even recognize that I was still expecting to eat like a 'normal' person. I'm not normal. My metabolic rate is 1500. That means I gain if I eat more than 1500 calories a day. We all know that is not alot of food.

Apparantly I am a slower learner than I thought. But not totally stupid. Its finally sinking in. This is a HUGE change. And its a PERMANENT change. If I am to achieve success I must adapt.

I've lost a whopping 1 lb since my last post. And that's because I just got my second fill and had to do liquids for a day! The last month sucked...or should I say I sucked....at staying on my 'diet'. Because really that's what this post-surgery/pre-restriction phase is...a diet. And diets didnt work for me before (for very long), so I'm not having much better success this time. I did, however, start exercising 3x/week at the YMCA and I am very pleased with myself about that.

So yesterday I had my 2nd fill, and today I had my first 'stuck' episode. Most unpleasant. Horrible, in fact. But, in a twisted and warped way, I am secretly glad that it happened, because I was just too cocky about my eating habits before. I needed this to freak me out so I'd really chew chew chew and take small bites and wait a few moments before sucking down another forkful. I needed that pain and fear to let me know I'm banded, and I better respect this wonderful piece of silicone that I paid 16k for. So I am grateful. And I am whooped. I will be careful from now on.

So while the last month was tough, I expected it to be. This next month I expect a return of newbie motivation and another 10 lbs to disappear. Ambitious, perhaps. But I have a date coming up in 10 days, (first date in years!) and I really need to feel great about myself. If I'm confident about how I carry myself, I know I can shine. So wish me luck!

Wow, I really got off track during the "Holidays". During the 3 week period around Christmas, I gained back about 3-5 lbs and I felt so out of control. I literally had to force myself back on board with the other New Year's Resolution losers....I went back to my band-friendly lifestyle kicking and screaming. But thank god for that band...within a week I'd lost the Christmas weight, and now, 3 weeks later I'm back on track and down a total of 30 lbs from my highest weight ever.

I got my first fill last week. 2 cc's. It was no biggie. 1 day of liquids and then back to normal. Its been 4 days now and I do notice a very subtle difference in how much I can comfortably eat. I really have to focus however on putting less food on my plate because my goal is to eat less (duh!).

Some of my recent purchases that have helped me stay on track are a digital food scale (Escali...and I measure everything in grams because it is more accurate), and I also bought a digital body fat scale. I am one of those people who has to weigh in every day to stay on track. If I don't, I'll eventually 'forget' that I am overweight and need to track my calories. Its a mind-game that works for me. Now if I could just come up with a mind-game that will get my butt out of bed an hour early to exercise....but so far I have been unable to find that motivation. I succumbed to late-night infomercial pressure and ordered "Hip-Hop Abs", which looks like tons of fun. If I ever take it out of the box I'll let you know if it really is.

Taking on new responsibilities at work has been sucking up all my focus and energy. But I know once I find my comfort zone with that, I'll be able to find my balance again.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about myself and have a quiet confidence about reaching my goals (that is subject to change at any time...I am a hormonal creature after all.)

Well, its been a while since my last post. Since my surgery I have lost a total of 20 lbs. I'm only 13 lbs away from ONEDERLAND! Things are going quite well for me right now. I'm over all the sickness that I had (flu), I'm past the intestinal upset, I'm eating food-food (soft food, but a step up from pureed), I'm staying under my 1200 calorie-per-day limit, and I'm getting an average of 68 grams of protein in. Drinking my water, cut back to 1/2 cup a coffee a day and I drink no other beverages (except water or Kefir). I have to say its not hard at all to stay within my calorie budget. I am completely satisfied with my small meals and at the risk of cursing myself, I'll admit that I have not had a single 'stuck' episode, or anything even close to that. I don't even think I eat that slow and sometimes I forget to chew a lot. If life could go on like this for me and I could keep losing weight, I would be an extremely happy camper.

I've been religious about logging in all my food on Fitday.com (which I love!). About 3 days ago, I got to work, sat down and thought to myself, "i've got my mojo back". I'm feeling great. People at work (they don't know I had WLS) have told me I look "fresh" or "pretty"-- but no one at the office (except my 2 good friends who know about my WLS) has commented on my weight loss. Which kinda disappoints me, but on the other hand I'm thankful that no one has guessed my secret. (and if they have, then they're being cool about it.)

The areas where I need improvement are remembering to take my second prevacid each day (I ALWAYS forget), taking my multivitamin (again, always forget) and I have not yet started exercising. I'm still having a mental block against exercise. But since today one of my former co-workers told me I was 'hot', I got a little twinge of motivation to start working out. I'm sure he was just being generous (he hasn't even seen me since I dropped 20 lbs, we were just chatting online), but how fun would it be to schedule a lunch date with him after the new year...when I'm down another 20 lbs and FEELING hot! THAT's what I'm talking about!

I've spent the past 9 years feeling like a 'mom'. And while it is the best feeling in the world, I think I might finally have some room in my heart to start feeling like a woman again. I'm hoping that with the confidence I gain as I continue to lose weight I'll start to attract a man who is a 'healthy choice' for me, and not just a man who doesn't mind a fat girl. I've spent most of my life confusing the idea of wanting someone who accepts me 'as I am' with wanting someone who appreciates me at my best. It's ME who's had a problem accepting myself. And thus, I've had too many less-than-great relationships because deep inside I didn't feel I could do any better.

HA! After spending the past few days lamenting the slow departure of my youth, I've just found another reason to appreciate my age---it has earned me some wisdom.

Its been 8 days since my last post, and as far as the diarrhea goes...it just gets worse. And worse. Saturday evening I could tell I was coming down with something (felt feverish and nauseous, had the chills, etc.) and it turned into a full blown stomach flu. Fortunately I remembered the anti-nausea stuff the doc gave me and taking that stopped the vomiting after the first time (it wasn't violent and it was just saliva). But the runs just keep on running. And nothing is helping. 4 Immodium in 24 hours does not help. Eating semi-solids a day early did not help. Ugh. I saw my PCP today just to confirm I wasn't ill from an infection or something, and she agreed it was stomach flu. She was so excited that I'd lost 16 pounds that I swayed her from admitting me into the hospital for dehydration. I promised I would keep drinking.

So today I am feeling overall a little better...just wish I could stop running to the bathroom. I am determined to go back to work tomorrow. My next paycheck is going to be zilch.

So in an effort to get away from the 'liquids in, liquids out' mantra, I started eating mushie foods today. I had 1 scrambled egg with 2 saltines for breakfast/lunch and some homemade chicken vegetable and noodle soup for dinner (I know....soup....but my grandma's soup is the best).

Since being ill I have slacked off my food journal, so I vow to get back on fitday.com tomorrow and start tracking. I know I haven't had enough protein today. Little steps.

Well, yesterday started out good. But by the afternoon I was so miserable. I did take the Milk of Magnesia, and the night before I had some PlumSmart (prune juice stuff) and it all started to work at the same time. There was about 3 hours of non-stop purge. And miserable cramps. I also had a tiny fever (100.7). In fact, I've had a slight temp since surgery (between 99.5 and 100.8). I did call the doc on call who said perhaps I have a slight flu bug. Whatever, I wish it goes away pronto.

Today I woke up feeling better, but did have another bout of unpleasant stomach 'episode'. I don't know if its because of my liquid diet? Liquid in, liquid out? I didn't even have a bowel movement for 5 days after surgery. I hope this isn't the norm for a bandster.

I've decided to stop the pain meds. I'm not in enough pain to warrant it, and I'm afraid I'll get addicted if I don't stop now. Valley of the Dolls, you know. I'm also feeling very emotional and impatient today. All around foul mood. I just want to go to sleep and wake up on solids with my incisions all healed up and 30 lbs lighter. So I'm gonna go take a nap now and see if that can work for me.

I have to say, I'm feeling better each day. I only took my pain meds 1x today (and will take some before bed). I think by tomorrow I'll be done with that. My incisions are looking pretty good. They bled a little after surgery, so the nurse put a gauze pad on each one and a piece of tape. I had to let them fall off in the shower, but obviously the tape had to be pulled, and I think it irritated my skin, because there is some red, raised skin to the side of the steri-strips. This looks better than yesterday, though. There is quite a funky bruise around my port site. But I think all is normal.

Day of surgery I was a little concerned that I felt ravenously hungry. This has passed also. I do have hunger pangs, and they are rumbly, but somehow they feel 'smaller' than before. And drinking water satisfies me immediately. I have had to really make myself eat (if you call a liquid diet eating). Yesterday I started a food journal, and I hit 72 grams of protein-- with only 971 calories! Amazing, i'd say. Today I only got 42 grams of protein (751 calories). But I'm trying to have 'real' food as much as possible and avoid lab-created stuff. I did have half a bullet of Whey protein. Once I'm on mushies I'll be able to ditch the bullets entirely. I haven't wanted to touch the EAS drinks I bought.

I made an amazing soup for dinner out of boiled pureed carrots, organic beef broth, all-natural instant mashed potatoes, babyfood greenbeans, plain lowfat Kefir, LF milk and some Thai curry sauce. It was delcious. And it felt so good to get some veggies in. I'm tired of the sweet stuff. And if I go one more day without a BM I'm gonna have to resort to Milk of Magnausea...yuck!

I got out of the house today in 2 small increments. It was good to go out and walk around. But tiring. I hope I'm ready to return to work on Monday. I think I will be. And its a short week (Thanksgiving) so it should be fine.

I had my surgery at 7:30 this morning at Journey Lite of Thousand Oaks, CA. It went exactly as I'd hoped-- uneventful, smooth and no complications. I'm already home and sipping on some home-made chicken broth my grandma made me.

I have that lovely 'gassy' feeling everyone's been talking about. Wish I could burp, but it doesn't want to come up just yet. And a persisent frog in my throat. But whats really uncomfortable is a feeling of raging hunger. I hope they didn't leave the lion in my tummy!

The surgery center was excellent, and the staff there was so great. Caring, friendly, helpful people. I literally had 1 or 2 nurses with me at all times, taking exceptional care of me. But I'm glad to be home. Time for a little stroll around the living room. Best wishes to all and thanks to everyone who sent happy thoughts my way!

UPDATE:
Its been almost 12 hours since my surgery and I am feeling much better. Took a nice long snooze this afternoon, got out a couple awesome burps  and have been sipping on juice, water, popsicles, grandma's chicken broth, etc throughout the day. I did take a little pain med (about half the dose), and i think it's helping alot. I'm just kinda uncomfortable and feel some bloat/pressure in the chest area, but as for pain, there really isn't any. And I'm feeling quite energetic. I keep getting up and walking around--overall this day has been a piece of cake. This is my new kind of cake!

It's 9pm the night before my surgery. I have to wake up at 4:15 to shower and wash my hair, collect all the family members who want to come with me and be at the surgery center by 6:15 am. I took a Klonapin about 30 minutes ago to help me fall asleep. I don't feel a thing.

Everyone's been asking me today: "are you nervous?" Funny thing is, no, I'm not. I've been more nervous the night before flying somewhere on vacation. I don't expect it to be very painful (optimist) and I fully expect an easy, uneventful surgery. The real fear comes in questioning how I will handle the change after I'm banded. I've been luckier than many in that I didn't have to do a 2 week (or longer) liquid pre-op diet. I only had to suffer thru 2 days of it. The second day (today) I had a nasty headache (which I would usually erase with a nice meal) and I'm already sick of liquids. So I'm a little worried about being able to remain sane for the weeks of post-op liquids. But I'm good at following Doctor's orders, and from what I'm told, my doctor is very no-nonsense. So I will be a good patient, I promise.

I bought myself a cute little ring from QVC.com. Its just an inexpensive silver 'diamonique' ring, but the name of it was what sold me. It's called a journey ring. It has 6 stones in graduating sizes. I bought it to remind me of the band around my stomach and the journey I am on. Each stone will represent 12.5 pounds (I want to lose 80). When I make it, I'll buy myself a new ring, since this one won't fit me anymore. But until then, I'm wearing it like a ribbon around my finger--so that whenever I need to remember the path I've chosen, all I have to do is look at my hand. It may sound ridiculous to put so much meaning onto a $34 piece of jewelry, but I need all the help I can get, and want to employ as many tools as necessary to keep myself focused. Eye on the prize.

Ok, next time you hear from me I'll be on the loser's bench.
¡Viva la lapband!