mom2two

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Here it is May 6, 2009!!  WOW, It's been along time since I've updated anything on here.  Anyway, my weight has been staying between 183 and 184 for MONTHS now; the lowest I've EVER seen on the scale was 179.(9 pounds away from my goal  :(  )  So on Monday, May 4th, 2009 I started back with the protein shakes.  In less than 48 hours I was down 9 pounds!  I was AMAZED.  But I'm convinced that loss was due to water weight AND the fact that I had been eating anything & EVERYTHING for awhile now.  Well, the scale had said 194!!!!!  I hadn't seen 190 ANYTHING in a LOOOOOOONG time.  I KNEW I HAD to do something because I REFUSE to become one who has this surgery & goes right back to putting the weight back on.  The first two days I had 96 oz's. of protein shakes which came to 520 calories total.  I was hesitant on going ove 48 oz's. but I had that "I'm hungry feeling" so I made an other one.  Here I am on day 3 and I will be starting to eat again tomorrow evening, more than likely some scrambled eggs or chicken; but I'm wondering since the last time I ate anything was sunday night if I will want to eat anything once thursday evening comes.

I'm AMAZED at the willpower I had; it was so very hard to do it & I had been tempted this whole time but everytime I felt that temptation I would just remember what the numbers on the scale read...... 194.  I REFUSE to let it get like that again.... EVER!  I am not doing any kind of exercise; only on my feet walking and doingn theings when I go to work, I think that's what helped to get me to lose the 5 pounds in 24 hours, I had worked the day I started the shakes.  Been home ever since not doing anything at all.  But still, 9 pounds in 2 days, that's GREAT!!! 

The last time I noted the size clothing I was wearing I was so excited, I believe it was a size 18 in jeans and a size 16/18 in tops.  Well, now I am down to a size 12 in jeans and a large size top!!!!!  :)  Even though I've been in those sizes for awhile I am sooooo happy to be in them.  Well, hopefully I will come back here soon to update saying that my goal weight has FINALLY been reached.  But... we will see.

So the walking ended; awhile ago.....now the next step has come in...the grazing and the eating of things I should NOT be having and I don't seem to have the willpower to conrol my mind and it is driving me CRAZY!  I went to see Dr. Dyer about 3 weeks ago and had lost a total of 111 pounds only to go back and GAIN 6 since my appointment.  I feel as though I CAN'T do it!  I DON'T want to be back up to where I was and I want to sit here and cry; not because I want to feel sorry for myself but because I so baly want to overcome this BATTLE within my head that tells me that I want to eat, that I am hungry, that I will feel better once I have something in my pouch.  I know I CAN'T be the only one who has ever felt this way, and I KNOW I will NOT be the last person to feel this way, the sad thing is...I know it's not the last time I will feel like this and it scares me TO DEATH!  Right now I have been putting off cleaning the kitchen; because I am SCARED to go in there, that the things that are in there that I am NOT suppossed to have will call my name; and not that my stomach will listen when my name is "called" but my mind WILL.

I was so close to getting to "ONE"derland and then all in a matter of days I lost my way.  I've even lost my way as far as meetings go; I plan on going then the day gets here and I either end up kicking myslef because I forgot about it or it will be too nice and the entire family will be home so I won't feel like going to a meeting and that's NOT RIGHT!  I pray, pary, pray that I can things back in gear and find my way, I am writing this figuring it will help me to get up and go accomplish the task in the kitchen; but I know that this is a very, VERY hard thing for me to right now.

So I started to FINALLY walk!!!  YAAAAYYYYY!  I am sore but one, it will get better in time and two I am doing better for myself as far as the weight loss goes....I hope.  So I started walking Opry Mills in the morning; unfortunately, unlike Rivergate Mall there isn't any postings about how many miles the mall is to walk it, I even looked at the information desks to see if there was anything posted...nothing and nothing on the site either.  

Well I called the mall office and found out:
1 lap around the entire mall(around the exits & down and back up from the movie theater) = 2 miles

I do 2 laps so that means that I am walking 4 miles everyday!  Yes.......F-O-U-R!!!!  WOW!  I am amazed.  Now I walk at a good pace; for someone just starting a walking regimne, there are about two elderly people that pass me, but that is it...the other might pass me if they cheat and don't do the walk all the way to each exit door.  But I am happy, now lets see if the weight will come off.  Oh and plus, I have been going to the Community Center and playing ping pong and running; or attemping to run around the gym with my three year old to kick the kick ball.

So today is the day that I was dreading a bit; always afraid to dissappoint my dr..  Well, from the last time I was there; two months ago I have lost 16 pounds, but I am confused now because I could have sworn they said 20.  Anyway, Dr. Dyer would like to see me in three months and wants me to aim for a weight loss of 45 pounds.  I am going to try and do it; if I could get more excersice in everyday I honestly believe that I could lose the 45 pounds.  It's hard thinking...I have to lose 45 pounds in three months.......How much did I lose when I was three months post op?  Was it at least 45 pounds?  I just hope that I am able to reach this goal that has been set for me.  I feel like I am failing, not me but him.  I am happy.... I am wearing the same size pants I was wearing when I graduated high school.  So...all I can say at this point is...I have to do what I have to do in order to be where I need to be.  45 pounds in three months...15 pounds a month; if I can lose 5 pounds a week I will be good and may even lose 50 pounds!  Well here goes nothing!

Well from seeing the last time I posted, it has been some time.  I did try the "protein only" thing to "jump start" my weight loss.....BIG no, no for me.  I ended up getting sick.. I mean sick to where if I kept up with the protein only I was going to end up back in the hospital again for dehydration.  So I came off of the protein only & I have been fine ever since, no problems with getting all my liquids in.  But..I have an appt. with Dr. Dyer next week so I am 'probably' going to do the protein thing again this week to see if I can get this weight loss going again; seeing as the last time I was there I weighed in at 252 & I am only down to 238.(by my scale, so 240 by his)  12 lb's. in two months... NOT GOOD!  And I am one who wants to make people happy, I feel like I am failing if I don't keep up with his standards; he never gets on my case or anything like that, I just don't like to disappoint anyone; especially the one who has helped so that I could have this tool to work with in the first place.

On another note I went out to walmart today & didn't want to buy any clothes but FINALLY broke down and bought a pair of jeans... mind you the only pair that I have are a size 24; probably streached out to a 26, well I took a pair of 20's & 18's into the dressing room & tried on the 18's first..... THEY FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!  The last time I wore an 18 I was in high school!  But I ened up getting the size 20 because it was a bit more relaxed of a fit, but people are telling me to return the 20's & get the 18's; since I will be in them soon.  For tops, I bought a 16/18!!!  WOW, but I still can't "SEE" the WL, most of you know exactly what I am talking about.  I hope to take a picture soon with the clothes that I wore the day of surgery and put it up side by side with the picture that was taken at the hospital the morning of surgery, maybe I will be able to see a difference there; not that it would help much; it is the "image" that I have of myself & the way I still the really big one looking back at me in the mirror.  When I ever saw the pic. that was taken the morning of the surgery...WOW, I didn't know I was even that big; but in reality...I was.

Signing off for now, I will post again after the 23rd.(my date with Dr. Dyer......NERVOUS!)

Well, when I went to see Dr. Dyer he told me that he would have liked to see me at 50% body fat lost..I was only at 39.7; so ten % off.  Well at one meeting I asked Dr. Dyer when someone reaches a plateau would it help to go back to the liquid stage.  Well I was told by someone else that if this happens stick with protein for 3 days and you will start to see the weight come off.

Well of course after I had asked Dr.Dyer that question that happened to me...... I hit a plateau!!!!!!!  For a MONTH! (and it may have been longer than that!)  So I have been doing the protein only for the last four days and went from a 250 on my scale at home to a 244, so six pounds!  WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!! Finally!  Now I feel like I don't want anything BUT protein, no low carb veggies or anything else; just protein or a protein shake as a meal & I am good...especially if I keep myself very busy!

Well this isn't a "weight" from Dr. Dyer's office.(we all know how scales vary) I have been weighing in at 255 on my scale since Friday after a plateau that lasted a few weeks.  15 more pounds and I will be back down to my pre-pregnancy weight from 6, yes S-I-X years ago!!!!  Oh, and lets not forget that now I am just OBESE!!!  How ironic is that???  Being happy that I am obese.