I actually went through with the surgery!

May 29, 2009

I did it. On Wednesday, May 27, I had RNY surgery at El Camino Hospital with Dr. Legha.  I had a rather difficult time in the recovery room.  I was in such an intense amount of pain, I was awake and can remember thrashing around a lot and saying "Pain pain pain" over and over again.  The person tending to me told me to "Be quiet! There are other people in here!" I told them I didn't care and to be nicer to me and that I obviously couldn't help it.  It's amazing how honest I am when I am in pain and have powerful drugs coursing through my veins. Normally I would have felt ashamed, but telling somebody to be quiet under those circumstances and yelling at me was not a reasonable request.

After coming to in my hospital room, I was doing much better.  In fact I was able to move around a lot and took two walks about the hospital floor that day.  The nurse said I was ahead of the curve which made me feel less embarrassed over my reaction in the recovery room.

I came home the next day, but before I left, I felt like I had extreme heartburn and was very uncomfortable.  I mentioned it to the nurse and she said the more I walk, the more that will go away.  Today is Friday and unfortunately it hasn't improved.  Drinking water is painful and I've barely eaten a thing other than water and half of a protein shake. I called the nurse and left her a message.  Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.

I go in and out of feeling good about what I've done and regret.  I feel shame sometimes at allowing myself to get fat in the first place and shame for not being able to lost the weight on my own.  These are feelings I need to deal with. It traces back to being very critical to myself and hating myself.  I know these feelings don't inspire me to take care of myself, but the feelings are there and ignoring them won't make them go away either.  I told a support group I belong to over a year ago that one of my major goals was to stop hating myself.  I've made some strides in this area.

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