Kim M.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Its hard to think I may be sabotaging myself...would I do that to ME...but I think I am..I'm in Quitter Mode...ever since realizing it is possible to eat too much and having to go back the old days of fighting food addiction with NO TOOL basically, no limits, no restrictions....just me and my forever weak willpower.....I wish the Hospital would get it together and call me back with my appt. dates for all the upcoming tests to find out why I can eat so much.  So yesterday I was being so good.  I did my 9 miles on the bike at the gym, all day I had 2 double Nectar drinks and 8 crackers and lots of water, go home had plain roast beef for dinner, about 8 oz...---see I can eat alot....but still NO CARBS ....all protein...I was doing great....but even all that dry roast beef didn't stay in my pouch, and I didn't drink for almost an hour after...but there I was hungry still...so I had 6 slices of pickled beets...low calorie, low carb at that amount......then everyone went to bed..........yep then I ate all the SF Butter Pecan Ice Cream..I would say there way probably about 2 cups left in the container...and thats when I realized I am quitting myself..I'm trying to fight but I didn't expect to be fighting only 4 months out from surgery and I have been stalled so long ....I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF.....

I just spoke to my bariatric nurse yesterday and told her how I was worried something is not right and that my "tool" (for some reason I resent that expression) isn't working right and that in my taco test... I was able to consume 3 crunchy tacos from taco bell with NO problems at all...she agreed that something isn't working and probably my stoma opening is too big so I have to have a CAT Scan, EGD and Upper GI in the next couple of weeks  to see if what we suspect is true, and of course in the meantime its just like the old days of counting calories and watching carbs....I am so angry to have gone thru all this and now have to live just like I was fighting food and keeping tally of the war.....I am not sure what my surgeon will do but she better do something....I never had the limits like other people from the very beginning...I have always been able to drink fluids as fast as I want which makes me think the stoma "hole" has always been pretty big, I was all prepared to not be able to drink more than a sip at a time --because that is what they told us....but that was never true for me, I can chug 8oz at a time just like I always could.  I am so afraid they are going to try and blame me for "stretching" my stoma out, and be like "oh you ruined your "tool" too bad for you...."

Well I've gone from 286 the day of surgery to 214 this morning..although two weeks ago I was I at 207 and was MUCH more excited about that...the gain..well lets hope its water...lots and lots of water....I have been having an issue with the fact that I can eat more than I should be able to....talked to my Nurse and she agreed I need a CAT Scan, EGD and a Upper GI....so maybe we can get this fixed before it gets out of hand....

Can't write much right now as I have something stuck in my gullet from swallowing my water to fast and have a bubble...lets hear it folks we all know how that feels huh.....
But I am doing ok...down 22lbs as of this morning...never lost that much in 2 weeks.

so wow...guess this might work afterall.....

Well it's Sunday, two short days to go before my surgery and I am sooooo soooo SO excited! I can't wait to be a big loser, to join the century club, to get rid of my fat clothes, to fit into our car without feeling stuffed in and uncomfortable, to getting out more and not being embarassed about how I look, to picking up my guitar again and hitting the open mics, to chasing my kids around the park, to buying a pair of high heels and the list goes on and on.  Tomorrow we will go to Columbia to the hotel, and then early tuesday morning I will be in surgery, I am scheduled for 7am, the first one of the day and I have to be there at 6am, I'm glad its early because I would drive myself nuts with anticipation if it were in the afternoon, at 6am I will barely be awake before they knock me out again. LOL...2 short days, 2 tiny short days, 2 days!!! woohoooo.

argh....I'm hanging in there, but I feel just like ...ugh..really bad, and I wonder is this how I'm going to feel after surgery....am I going to feel run down and barely able to stay conscious?  I hope not.  Surely not..right?  I'm drinking plenty of water, and it's not so much that I 'FEEL' hungry anymore, mostly I just feel headachey like I've ridden in a car too long, and nauseous and dizzy...and sleepy very sleepy....but...on the up side...12 days until surgery!!

Wow, I can't believe it is FINALLY within sight...the end of the tunnel!! woohoooo...Today begins my Pre-op Liquid diet, I am a little scared about not failing at it but think I will probably be fine, at least today, it will be day 2 and 3 I think that will be hard, but I will just keep telling myself---ALMOST THERE!!     And if that doesn't work I will remind myself of Cheryl's mantra for the pre-op diet "if I eat food I will die in surgery" that seems inspiring enough.  Anyone else got any tips and tricks they used while on the liquid diet, any stories (horror) of what happens if you don't follow it.....Anyways, I haven't been on here much lately as I was in the holding pattern--between my first appt. with Dr Ramaswamy and the pre-op diet so not much was going on...I did pop on now and then to look at before and after pictures, they are always inspiring...I let my husband take my "before" picture, which I can hardly look at, and don't plan to post it until I have an "after" to put right next to it!! LOL...I just look at it and don't even know who that fat lady is!  I have started a savings acct. for my plastic surgery 2 yrs from now, I will def. want to have some removal done, and my research into what insurances will cover what has been fruitless, so I started saving, literally penny by penny wish it wasn't so expensive or considered cosmetic after WLS...maybe in the future it will be more obtainable.  I wish there were tricks and tips to minimize the sag...my mom swears by skim milk to keep skin elastic, but she has never had to have WLS...anyways thats my update for now.

the constant knee pain is just about to get me, my pcp gave me a prescription for a nsaid, but it has so many stomach warnings i'm afraid to take it and burn a hole in my stomach or some other kind of damage before I ever even get my surgery date, plus it really doesn't work that great.  And today the waiting is really really getting me.  I started this journey in Dec. 06 when I signed up for the Feb seminar here in Springfield, and come on...lets get it over already...I thought I was so on the ball, I attended the seminar already having my pysch eval. and my pcp referral and some blood work done and in my hand, I try and tell myself to just relax, I am approved now so it WILL happen....so it's not going to happen in May like I originially guestimated, and maybe not even in June like I had recently hoped..but hey July is looking really probable, and that isn't too far off.  I definately think the living in constant agony is getting me, I mean it's bad, and I'm taking it out on my kids and partner and can hardly get around....whew..just needed to vent...I love this website.

Wooohooooo....I'm approved...one more step towards the rest of my life...my new and improved life, my new and improved and fabulous life....wish the clinic office would just call me back now to set up my testing and give me a DATE...