nevergonnalearn

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So it is almost here. I go from fine to crying in a split second. 107 hours. I will be on my way to the hospital to change my life forever. First full day of liquids it is easier. The next two days will suck ( as I have done this before trying to keep weight off before my pre op weigh in ) At least my husband will be home. So hopefully he will make sure I don't eat anything. I have my DS manual sitting next to me. I start to read some parts of it and it just seems so strange to me. It is one of those situations where the only way to understand it is for me to go through it. I have a lot of things going through my mind. I am trying to be as calm as possible. I even have been in denial about it until today when I got my pre admission phone call. It feels like it is just jan. 11th and I am getting that phone call saying I was approved and to set my date. I really do not know if I will ever be ready but I know I won't back down. It is a flaw of mine that I never know when to back down.  

I have got to admit this was pretty confusing on which ones to get. Totally understood the A D E K  dry. The rest all was a little bit of an issue. Between iron having so many different kinds, Mag has a bunch of different kinds as well, along with figuring out how many i would need for the next year. I still saved money though. So it is getting closer. This was big thing because like when i was pregnant with the twins i refused to buy two of anything by the chance something might happen it would break my heart to have two of something. Well i didnt want to order my vitamins before my pre op on march 4th because honestly i have no idea if my scale is going to say the same thing as at the doctors office. So i could be setting myself up for a heart break as long as the number is less than 312 we should be good. I gotta admit i am getting nervous

Yesterday I received THE call. MY insurance approved my surgery and I found out my date. 3/26/2013. I was shaking and in tears. After a week from when I got my EDG done. Life is changing and I am ready for it. For the first time in a very long time I am looking forward to my future. The kids will all be in school soon. We will be moving out of the city and soon I will no longer be so heavy. It feels like everything is falling into place. I can't wait to be able to go up a flight of stairs without worrying if my knee is going to give out or get out of breathe. This tool is going to save my life. I honestly am nervous excited and everything in between.

So many times I have tried to get my weight down. I have hated myself for so long. After my injury to my knee and foot I honestly have no choice but to get surgery to help me lose this weight. The problem is my happiness about the surgery is making me realize how unhappy I have been in my life. I feel like i have always settled because putting myself out there just meant I was going to be let down. I am married with 3 kids. I stay at home because my husband is a cop and with the hours he works and court I just can not find a job to work around him. I have felt trapped for so long. Maybe this is my way out? Maybe this is me spreading my wings and stop putting me last on the list of people to take care of. I love my children but I have hopes and dreams of my own. If my husband had a normal career I would be able to go back to work just a the opposite shift. He wasn't a cop when we got together but I guess I should have known what i got myself into but that was before I had twins. Taking twin 2 year olds out is a nightmare. It actually makes my stress go up instead of making me feel better to be out of the house. I have read so much about this surgery and the divorce rate. Between him being a cop and this WLS I do not know how our marriage will go on. Yet I refuse to change my mind about this surgery. I am putting myself first and what I want. I may sound selfish but I have given my life to my children and my husband for over 9 years now. So I guess my fresh start might end up ending what i have now but in the long run if it is meant to be it will be.