Peace4Denise

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

From my last post, I can see how far I have come. Well, far in the months, but not in the weight loss. I have been really frusterated wtih my overall weight loss. I know that I could do better. I am trying, but then it's always a crash and burn. Right now, I just don't know how to juggle it all. I just recently moved, and then I am facing midterms, and such. How in the heck do I just do it? I mean, everyone is doing it right? I mean, it's called life. 
I was telling my friend, and quite honestly, I don't care if I get rude comments back to me for saying this. But sometimes, I just wish things could be back to normal. I mean,  there has been alot of crap thrown at me from this surgery. And yes, I did think about what I would be facing once I had the surgery. And yes, I do realize that there is no turning back, I have to go through. But sometimes, I just wish things could feel normal. Right now, they don't. I am honest, and I have to be so that I can be able to change.
I know that I am not the only one to admit this. But if I am, I don't care.

I see so many people changing, I want to to. But to change means to deny ones self. Daily I am realizing I have to deny myself, to grow up. I know that the one thing that has gotten me here is always giving myself what I want. Right now, I know that I need to take back the control, and not always give in.

I try, daily I do. I make an effort in the moring, and then by the afternoon everything goes down hill. And I am not just talking about what I eat. I think overall I eat okay. But I am talking about how I feel about myself. There are moments that I just feel really ugly. I mean, I have lost alot of my hair. My clothes are limited, or they just don't feel right. I am sometimes angry at my decison to do this. Again, I have to be honest.

Yes, I am thankful that I have chosen to do this, but all at the sametime there is alot of psychological shit that is thrown at you with this. Well, I can only speak for myself. 
Again, if I get nasty comments saying I should of thought first about the decison I have made, or that it's my fault or whatever, fine. Maybe for today, I need a good kick in the ass.

The insanity of my life...
Current mood: awake
Category: Blogging

 

Life right now, in one basic world would be the epitome of insanity. Life I notice keeps going and going, and sometimes it just so hard to stop and breathe. Everyday, it a struggle, but everyday has it's own rewards. I am learning that each attempt that I make to improve myself; then it is one great step towards my future.

Right now, I am making it a priority to finish my education, for there is no way in hell that I want to see myself live a mediocre life. I want to see myself become something, and I know that everyday that I choose to be here at MJC I am getting closer to my goal, and that is graduation.

Life weight wise is good. I am hitting a really hard plateu, and I mean hard. Every moring I have a certain amount of protein I have to get down so that I can be level headed and focused in my classes, and not only that but I also have to think about how much water take I have to get in each day. My goal is about 68-70 oz of water a day. Crazy, crazy, crazy. It's hard especially when you make the mistake of introducing new foods into your diet; like carbs? Once your body has the sweet pleasure of a carb; there is no turning back.

It's hard,  I want to fight the sweet tempation. But once I am at home, and want to just deal with the stressors of life then that is when the cravings come. I hate it. I wonder, how did I get myself into this spot? I allowed if first of all, but how do I even stop? I need to remind myself of the struggle it took for me to get here. I have dealt with not only with an altered digestive system, but a full blown intestinal infection from the bowls of hell.

I know with the struggle there has to be sacrfice. Am I willing? I need to revaulate my motives so, that I can get right back on track. So far, my goal is to get 50 pounds off by June. That is my dietican's goal; however, my personal goal is to get it off between June and August. It seems like a long time from now, but really it's not. So the clock is ticking am I going to fight the struggle, or am I just going to give in. I know after everything, I am a fighter. I won't let my head win with what I know is right.

Lots and lots to think about. But I know eventually I will get to my destination, and that is just pure happiness. Life right now IS good, and IS sweet. I just need to determine what I WANT. Take it my the reigns I suppose, for I know I am the one in control. Thank God for that.

I am down to 80 pounds now. I feel like I am still climbing this mountian. I don't know lately I have been noticing how hard it is. Although, it's a good hard. Each day I know I am trying my best to get closer to my goal.
I see Diane this next month. God I am scared. I don't know what her goal weight was for me. But I know I probbly haven't met it. Looking back at a blog that was written in January, I noticed I had lost 65 pounds. So I am assuming I was around that when I last saw her. So maybe being down to 80 is okay? I don't know, but I realize that I my weight is slowing down. I am going to work harder this week to fight the need to put carbs in my mouth.  It's like once you give your body the taste of carbs, it never goes back to were it orginally was when you had the surgery. Each day, I try to set a goal for myself. And most days I sucesseed. But I know I need to ask myself what is important to me? This moment of satisfaction, or years of satisfaction, knowing I have worked my rear to get where I am at. So for today, I am going to work harder, and bring more control into my eating habits. I have to do this. I have come so far, I refuse to see myself fail.
There is a fitness center here at the JC. I need to commit my time to it. However it's so hard when you are juggling classes. But if I want to loose this weight bad enough, for I have to great lengths to get there. It's so frusterating sometimes. Trying to reach something, and have so many wants come in and mess up that goal.
Maybe, I am finally learning the true me through all this. Understanding why I choose the behaviors that I do. We are all needing beings. We want things now! I know I am 100% this way. But I need to learn balance, and self control. I realize that through self control, and through self control that is where growth takes place. I need more growth in my life. So for today, I will take that extra step to allow myself the chance to grow.
My friend told me yesterday. So see change happen you gotta be the change. That is so true.

I am so relieved to be back!! Thank God. It's really a nice feeling to be able to walk through the halls at MJC 70 pounds lighter. I often wonder, will people treat me in a different way? If they do, it makes me sad for them. Because in alot of ways, I see myself as the same person that I was 70 pounds ago. Just more of a postive and up beat person. I believe I am going to be faced with alot of new challenges and changes here. I am scared, and excited all at the same time. I am happy to finally be content with where I am at.
I feel good about myself today, and I believe that is good enough. I am good enough.

It was just thought that it would be really fun and a little intresting for all of you to be updated about what is now happening in my life...

Since my last post which was in Novemeber, I am finally back on my feet, and healthier than I have ever felt in my life. 

I have lost 65 pounds, six pant sizes and 3 shirt sizes. I can finally agree with my family when it comes to my weight loss. It's amazing to see the weight just melt away. Everything feels so amazing and so sureal. I am so thankful to everyone who stuck with me through one of the toughest moments in my life.Everyday, I thank God for literally getting me through the phsical hell I endured. I am proud to be able to say that I have come out of something, that I would be totally impossible for me to endure...but look, I am still standing.

I am finding that I like myself more and more. And that to me is a signifcant sign of personal growth.  For many of you who remeber the road of self-hatered that I walked down. I pray that you can finally believe I am finding the light of self-acceptance. It's really an amazing feeling to say, that I almost there.

I am really almost there. My Dr. and nutrionist are very proud of my accomplishments. And tell me I am half way there. I have only 60 pounds more to go. My goal is to get it off by May or June. So wish me luck on that one.

As far as pictures-I really haven't been taking any that often which I know is needed. IT's funny, just the other day, when I did turn my camera on, I was frazled by how different I did look. How much my face has slendered out. It really feels good. Funny as it may sound, knowing everything I have walked through, I would do it again in a heart beat. Funny isn't it?

I am about 11 days post op, and each day is a goal. And sometimes I make it. Or I fail it. Today is especially hard, because I am fighting with a head cold. I just want to burry my self in my bed and sleep. But I can't, because I will loose my water count. And I know, I have to do my exercise today. I notice alot of people on OH are doing about 2 miles of walking or what not. Right now, I am doing 20 minutes of walking. I am trying. Today is just a really depressing day for me. I don't reccomend this to anyone. Unless they are serious and dedicated to the program. This is just teaching me. Everyday, I am learning that I have to be dedicated and determined to reach the goals that are expected for me. My 1 month post op should be on October 15 or so. I hope I do well. Everyday is a struggle, and I hate it. I hope it gets easier.

I am so unbelievable hungry right now. It's horrible. I am trying my very best to follow the diet that Dr. Coats and Diane want for me to follow. It's so hard. I hate the feeling of hunger I just hate it.
So far, I have eaten on small egg.
Green beans like half a cup
Half a cup of mixed fruit
A small chicken breast
And alot of water. 
I am still very hungry. The diet that I am intending to follow is basically 4oz of Protien, 4oz of fruit, 4oz of veggis. And 68 oz's of water. And oh, the diet stricky states, "No grazing". So am I like a cow or something. That was the first thought that fell into my mind. Maybe I eat like a cow. But I know that there are now black and white spots on my body. For dear sake!!!
But yes, I am doing this. I am going to finish it too. It's the hardest thing I am ever going to have to do in my life. 
I just pray that I have God's strength to get me through all this. I need it.

So close, so close. I can't believe the date is finally ariving. It's funny, because to me, I feel like I am getting married. Maybe I am. Maybe to a new lifestyle. A new lifestyle of the way I choose to eat. This is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. But it's going to be the most rewarding and pricless times of my life. I am so thankful.

Thursday, I have a pre-op appointment with Diane David. I am sort of nervous. Because of the extreme stress of moving and traveling so much, I have been just eating alot. More than usual. And I think maybe my mind is believing that my body will never eat again. I am nervous about what the scale will look like when I step on it. I pray to God that it's a few pounds lighter. I swear that over this weekend and before Tuesday, I am going to try my hardest to ahcieve the goal of "shrinking my liver." Gross as it may seem, it's something I want to see myself do, to make the produre easier for the Dr. Coates. I pray all goes well for me.

I see my mom on Thursday too. She has been the biggest support for me. She truely understands what I will be going through. She is my angel right now. Reminding me of what I will be facing. She will be there before and after the surgery. She will be the one holding my hand through all this, and in a way, it's a comforting feeling to have. I am lucky to have her.

The one word that I can say, that bests describes me is "Corky." I am a huge joker, and always find the fun out of this thing we love to call life.
I am a hard worker, a hard fighter, and a hard peace maker. I enjoy being happy. I love trying new things. I love meeting new people. I love the mountians; for right now, I am currently venturing out there. I love traveling, and traveling, and traveling :)
I love to take chances, and take new strides to new things. 

Yeah so, after reading several stories of individuals who have had the surgery, I am aware of the long wait that I will enjoyably experiencing. For your information, I am very persistent, and I hope that my determintation and strength are what will keep me going. I am very eager to take steps; for they seem like really good goals to accomplish. I think that the strength I have is really going to be the only thing that will get me through all this. 

I think I have alot of perserverence, and I know that if I carry that with me, it will take me beyond what I can reach. My faith is what keeps my drive stimuated to keep on going. I am a person with a lot of spunk, and I do believe that even waiting for all of this, will strengthen my character. 

I am excited too. I have a psychological exam tommorow at 10 am. I am hopeful that I will get good words put in for me. Anyways, that is it for now. I will update myself and anyone who is curious on how tommorow goes..