prettyw8machine
on broken hearts and broken horses
Mar 16, 2010
I'm new here, just looking around and talking to anyone who has been through what I'm going through right now. I want the lap band. I want it, like, yesterday. I just want to feel good about myself again.I feel good about my art, and about my progress in school. However, when I have to talk about my work or ask a question in class, I do worry about what other students think of how I look. I know that the focus should be on learning, not the width of my posterior, but I know that we are all visual people, and we all watch each other.
I worry because my butt hangs over the edge of the chair. I worry that I take up too much room in the aisle, or that I am in someone's sight lines in painting class. I worry that I will become sore from sitting too long, and that as I try to stretch to alleviate the pain, my shadow will disturb someone's work. I worry that I will become clumsy from being tired, and look like a big fat mess if I have a fall at school. I am not a graceful creature. I worry that people will think that I am lazy or don't work as hard because of my physical size. I do good work but let's be honest, here. I go to school with a lot of students that are at least ten years younger than me, they are going to make judgements about me based on my looks, and that does carry over into their critique of my art. It makes me sad to realize this.
Last winter I was sitting on a drawing horse at school and it broke. I know it was an old horse, but I think really my teacher was just trying to make me feel better by saying it was older than dirt, and that's why it broke. I was so embarrassed, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I weighed about 220 then. I weigh more now.
I'm signed up for Life Drawing next term, and I'm scared that another horse will collapse under my weight. But I need that class, so I will go, and hope that I get a sturdy horse. Or maybe I'll suck it up, and go to the students with disabilities office and ask for a chair. If that happens, it will be like admitting that the fat has won, and I will have to admit that it's really, really "surgery time" because my weight will be affecting my life in a way that no camera angles, boot cut jeans, or joking can conceal.
It's late. I'm rambling. I'm tired but I had to post something here. I'm optimistic that I can get the surgery done. I'm leaning heavily towards going to Cancun for a week. I also need to find someone to go with me.
