Ptwilkerson3

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So, over the past few days, I've had to deal with myself about stuff! I havent been seeing the pre-surgery weight go down, down, down, like it has been over the past few weeks.  I KNOW i have PMS and when I do, I usually weigh between 10 to 13 pounds more. I already KNOW THIS, so why am I obsessing about what the scale says? I realize I have to be all in this in order to be successful, "that's just how I roll" but, man,  I have been creating some unessary drama in my head over the past few days!

Fortunately, I realize that when I put this whole thing in proper perspective, I realize that it is a good thing that this is an issue for me...there was a time when I wouldnt even get on the scale unless i was in a doctor's office! I didnt want to hear about anyone's "weight loss success", I was totally down on myself and felt like a failure.  I felt like no-one respected me because I was fat...I didnt respect MYSELF.  Everyone always said...Paula doesnt eat much, I dont know why she's fat.....but I HAD TO FACE THE REALITY OF WHY PAULA IS FAT...Paula is a binge eater.

Paula eats more when no one is around; when she's sad, lonely, feeling inadequate, feeling less than, all those things and more. After facing this reality, I feel much better about myself and I feel empowered! Only I can control this... I'm not talkng about not recognizing God's total control of the universe, but I mean, I control what I do. 

I feel like I can take this knowledge and be successful in my weight loss. I dont feel like going to the gym much of the time, but if I dont go, who else will take my body there? Sounds kinda silly, but I'm dealing with ME.  I feel good about this and I am excited...yet just a itty bitty bit apprehensive...but not enough to stop me!

I meet with the surgeon on the 28th of this month to schedule my surgery date and I am GOING ALL THE WAY BABY!

Today I am still psyched about everything. Unfortunately, I have some very personal stuff going on; the good thing is, I am not eating my troubles away, nor am I retreating to my bed.  I am planning to go to the gym again tonight and continue making good choices about things which will positively impact my well being.

I went to the gym last night and worked out 75 minutes, straight cardio! The eliptical for 55 minutes and the boring bike for 20 minutes.  I feel great and cant wait to go again tonite.  I am feeling so encouraged by my weight loss and I want to continue what I am doing before reaching the inevitable plateau.  I meet with nutritionist and surgeon again this month and hope to have a surgery date after the meeting!

So psyched, but a little nervous as well. My weight problem has consumed me my entire life. Wonder what I'll do with my fears about it when it's gone...looking forward to that!

Today I feel good.  I went to the gym again last night, worked out for 70 straight minutes, doing cardio! I feel really good about this because I have always belonged to some gym or another, but have not consistently used my membership for several years.... I have been going to the Bariactrics program regularly and have been losing weight at a very good pace (better than when I was a young person).  Lost six pounds this week, and I havent even had surgery yet; just goes to show what committment will do for you.  I am very psyched about this and although I have some trepidation about the procedure, I feel even more anxiety about not having the surgery and being stuck in this body which is rapidly developing life threatening chronic illnesses.

I feel like I am finally ready! I have never been so ready before....I am at peace with my decision and I am truly facing some hard truths about myself.  Although a life long member of the fat group, I have never, ever wanted this affiliation; I realize this comes from self loathing.  In any event, I feel so good about myself today and I cant wait to get to the next support group meeting so that I may sit and be among my peeps! Now, that is a graduation!

When a person is at peace with themselves, the world looks different. It's all about perspective, I think.  I have been reading other people's blogs and have truly been inspired.  I have so many questions and I realize I have so much more to learn... about my self! This is food for my soul.

Today I am spending time alone.  I got up this morning, showered, went to the gym and worked out... I know I should have eaten something prior, but I took my medicine and suppliments, drank water and went to the gym.  As I was working on the eliptical, I really pushed myself (intervals) more than usual.  I felt I needed to challenge myself and it felt good.  When I found that it was a little to much, I finished my program, stretched again and walked around the track before leaving. It gave me time to think about things.  I am excited about changing my life; I really like to challenge myself annd I view this journey as a challenge; a challenge that I am willing to take on! I cant wait to see what happens!