I am 27 years old.....5'8.....and my weight is a wopping 268 pounds! I have struggled with losing weight all of my life.....I remember going on a diet as early as the fourth grade....ridiculous right? I have always been outgoing, made friends with most, and I am generally a happy go lucky...the glass is half full....kinda gal most of my years. My weight has been a constant source of frustration for me though and makes keeping a smile on my face and joy in my day to day....harder with each passing year. My low point and the whole reason I started on this journey happened a few months ago.......
I was going out on a date with my husband and had spent the majority of my day before the date going store to store looking for something that would make me look sexy....as you know for us bigger gals... it's hard to do.....it's not just the rolls that were against me....but the lack of retailers in my area that actually carry plus size anything....and then trying to find something that doesn't make me look like I'm ready for retirement....almost impossible! So, I searched forever it seemed till I found this really cute boho shirt that showed off my tata's (the only remotely great thing about being big....is that so are my gazunga's : ) and skimmed over my problem areas...it was one of those shirts that made you think you weren't as fat as you thought were when you leave the store.....thank the gods for LANE BRYANT! Anyhoo, I wore that with this empire waisted corduroy jacket and a straight leg pair of jeans with my outrageously expensive pointy toe shoes and some earings and a bracelet I had found earlier that day.
I looked really put together and with my hair done and my make up on....I have to say I felt like I could hold my own around the majority of sorority girls I would inevitably run into that night.
So, we had just gotten through eating at this resteraunt....one of the few things I don't like doing in public....and were walking to our car....when it happened. A group of over grown frat boys drive past me ( in an outrageously exspensive car that they probably got from mommy and daddy) and yell out in front of everyone FAT ASSSSSS! While throwing a glass bottle at my feet.....I guess just to make sure I knew it was me and no one else they were making fun of. Needless to say I was mortified that everyone had saw what happened.......but I was mostly emberassed because my husband......who valiantly tried to run them to ground in the parking lot on foot while simultaneously giving them a dose of their own medicine with some words of his own.....was there to witness it. I was so ashamed and I'm sure so was he for being with me....even though he has never given me reason in action or words to believe that....it was just they way I felt at the time.
It hurt because I was ashamed of me without anyone else pointing it out....it had been my constant day to day struggle and emberassment for years.....and now it appeared that I had gotten to the point where those around me noticed it as well. I had spent all that time getting ready to look nice.....and all anyone still saw was the fat suit I was wearing. It didn't matter how I was dressed....what I did to my hair....or how much time I spent getting ready....I was still fat and I guess big enough to warrant comment from those around me.
I have never wore that shirt again....all though my husband swears it looks great on me....and I decided from that moment on....I would use it as a reminder of what happened that night....in a nut shell it has lit a fire under my ass when it comes to changing my life....and in a way....I will be thankful for my wakeup call....I will not waste a moment longer wallowing in my or others pity....and will instead start making choices I can be proud of! I am taking my power back....no one will have the right to make me feel the way I did that night again.......I want to be confident enough in myself again....I don't want a rail thin waif like body....I want my body to be strong..... and healthy....I want to feel no shame when I look in the mirror....hanging skin.....those will be my battle scars....I will be proud of who I am and never give myself reason to wonder if the opinions of those around me are more important than the ones I have of myself.
I am ready for change wether it be big or small....my life is at a turning point and for those around me....hold on.....it's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride!