ravensfire11
Many of us have a story, most of us could write similar chapters in our stories, yet each moment, each thought and every hurtful word from others or from ourselves is going to be unique in how we thought it, felt it or heard it. (me) If you are reading my story, please be prepared for my sarcasm and twisted humor...i use sarcasm to mask the fact that i hate how i look, how i feel and what i think others may think of me and humor because i need to laugh or i will cry.
I am currently 42 years of age. I am the proud mother of four wonderful children, three grandchildren and the wife of a military husband who is about to deploy again. I am an assistant manager in a high stress sales office managing 29-32 people on a daily basis. I love the intensity and energy of my job and i do not take my management position lightly. Thank goodness im not required to type reports since i am an avid user of spellcheck.
I am considered morbidly obese by medical standards and definatley by the clothes that once fit me in my closet. Years ago, i used to be very active in sports and dancing etc... Now, my legs hurt so much from carrying my butt around all day that my once or twice a week 2-4 mile walk is a killer but i try to do it anyway. I am also on my feet 98% of any given day; moving around working my sales floor, getting people motivated. Keep in mind, if i sit down for even a few minutes, getting up and moving is that much harder. I am also feeling awkward making presentations lately, being heavy, how can i continue to teach motivation when in my mind, they are looking at me like i am fat and lazy and should motivate myself into losing weight?
In the very back of my closet are some items from my "slim days", I kept a few pairs of jeans and a couple of sweatshirts and one slinky dress that i wore pre-children. I'm not sure if to remind me of what my goal is/was/should be...or to torture myself for the many failed attempts at getting my butt back into those clothes? I tried and failed, and justified the fail by deciding that a size 7 is too small and i would settle for a size 10/12. When i couldn't reach that, i settled even higher. If i can get into a size 14/16 i will be perfect. Yet again, unable to reach it i have simply exhausted my mind and myself with diets and failed attempts and struggle daily to find clothes so that i look presentable for work. (not easy when i am a size 24-26)
I am getting bigger and bigger. I have to continue to buy clothing in larger and larger sizes. My closet looks like someone with multiple personalities owns it...from sexy, sweet, kinda cute and now to just plain ugly and plain. I have thongs that look like wrist bands for me. Lengerie? Huh? What is that?
On another thought, I refuse, and this is my personal oppinion, I refuse to wear flowers or horizontal patterns; even though clothing companies assume that big people will look wonderful in horizontal lines and huge colorful flowers...what are they thinking? I am not trying to draw attention to myself anymore than i have to. (Yes, i am ranting just a little bit) With that being said, the color black is my friend.
I would like to say that i have tried so many different diets, pills, hormones you name it, i've tried it. I would lose some of the weight, but it would come back with a vengeance. I feel like a yoyo....but with a really big torso and my string is very short...so i gain, lose, gain, lose...and eventually give up for a few weeks disgusted with my efforts and failure. I also had multiple surgeries for female issues and after all of that my apendix decides to burst and they find a hernia too...don't even ask if i have stomach muscles left after getting them sawed in half four times.
My husband loves me and he thinks i am beautiful-bless his heart. He doesn't think i am that big and he gets mad at me when i cut myself down. He doesn't get it though...he can't see how i feel like my body is swallowing me whole. He doesn't see how every step, every movement is too much and that i want to just lay down and not move at all. He doesn't realize that i hate what i look like, how i feel and how frustrated i am everyday when i am getting ready for work...and why all of my clothes are tossed about the room as if a tornado came into it. Because i cry every morning getting dressed...i look horrible for me. I do not like what i look like, feel like and honestly what others may think that i look like. I still keep my head up though, i paste on my fake smile and head out the door as if there wasn't any turmoil in my mind. I avoid potato chips, and pass on the pop, i walk...i try to eat healthy and im still big. I'm sorry if i sound like im feeling sorry for myself, and a part of me does because i know every single effort i make seems to not work. What makes me really happy is knowing that at this moment none of my four children look as if they are going to have my obesity problem. That makes me very happy.
I am going to my psychological evaluation next Saturday. I am hopeful that it goes well because im only a little bit nutty. (lol) I am looking into gastric bypass as my last ditch effort. If i can get the weight down, i will be able to move better and finaly work out to my P90x. Can't do it now...one reason besides i can't breath is my stomach is so fat i cant even do one sit up. It will be nice to not have so much weight on my knees, maybe they won't hurt so much???
