remembrtherain
5 more days...
Apr 20, 2011
there are so many things on my mind right now. So many different things to think about, to handle, to deal with mentally. It's April 21st. I can't believe it.Can I first start out by saying that my change of diet is making me VERY irritable. the little things that never used to annoy me are really getting to me. I'm just assuming that this is all coming from me and that the things that are annoying me aren't really THAT troublesome. I'm having issues with my friends. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but, it's a mixture of anger and resentment on my end. This may sound horrible, but, I think it may be that I hate that they love themselves in the state that their in. I understand that some people are just comfortable the way they are. Thats fine. I'm glad they love themselves....but, I think part of me is jealous that they love themselves being SO grossly overweight, and I look at myself in the mirror and I'm repulsed. I never used to think that way until.....until I'm not sure when...until that day, I guess when I decided that I had enough of being stared at, of SQUEEZING into a too small chair, or pair of jeans. I had enough. But them....what is it about them? Why is it okay for them to look that way and feel good about it? I just don't understand. My mother seems to think that they're jealous that I am doing something about my life, making it better, and they aren't, but I'm not sure this is the case.
I'm also worrying a lot. A LOT. I know it's normal to be worried and stuff, but, I just feel like when I cross one thing off my to-do list, another thing or two gets added. I have school to deal with this weekend. I also have a liquid diet to fight. I have food shopping and laundry and just general worrying. I'm just scared. What if I wake up and I'm still hungry? I don't think I'd be able to handle that. What if I wake up and I'm in pain? I know that this will happen, but, it's still scary. What if my friends abandon me? It could happen. What if I F-up? What if THEY F-up? What will happen when my mom leaves? Why do I have to do this on my own? Why does everything I do in life have to be to prove something to myself or others? and why is this no different?
I used to think that my mom took the easy way out by having the surgery. I used to think that thought as I watched my weight yo-yo. I beat myself up every day getting dressed, chastising myself for not looking like everyone else, not feeling like my best self. Its funny though...I just want to be me for once, instead of what everyone else expects...but, there are times that I don't know who I am. I've been living for other people for so long, living to impress and to cover up my fatness with words and ideas that make people forget...What if I don't like who I am? It's just been so long, I forget....
I don't think that people really understand the choice to have WLS. A lot of times, when I bring it up they look at me like I'm crazy, so, I stop bringing it up. This is difficult for me, because when I do that, I have no one to talk to about anything. I feel like my support system is patchy. I'm picturing it like a fishing net with holes in it. My friends aren't going to stop their lives because of my surgery. I know that. They aren't going to stop going out, or start changing their eating habits because of me and I wouldn't expect them to! But, what I did expect, that I gave up on, is support.
I think right now, its super important to think about me and whats best for me. But when I start to worry about things, I find it hard to focus. I need someone to just hold my hand for a few minutes....I can't wait for my mom to get here....
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About Me
San Francisco, CA
Location
37.4
BMI
Surgery
04/26/2011
Surgery Date
Feb 07, 2011
Member Since
