rennyguerra

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 Ok so I hit ONEder Land.... and then I got cocky. i got into some drama with a (now ex-) boyfriend, new job, masters program, got rid of dead beat (ex) boyfriend and found myself and absolutely fabulous, sweet man. Life got busy and lbs got higher.  Ya know what happens with new (now 7 months) relationships. You get comfortable and then you pack on the lbs. My amazing boyfriend doesn't have a weight problem. In fact the guy doesnt have an ounce of fat on him and eats like he's 15. Which is awesome for him, but sucks for my waistline. I have gained 5-8 lbs back. So my goal is back to 35 lbs to go.

At this point I am 4 years post op next week. And i can eat a scary amount of food sometimes. My pouch has stretch immensely. Some to do with time and overeating. Some to do with the hernia. Either way its been up to me for a while now. 

Last year I took off 26 lbs. How? Beats me. For the last two months i have been busting my butt to the best of my abilities. I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week, unfortunately due to summer it's schedule permitting. Which is an excuse I can no longer afford. What did I do last year to succeed so well? Well for one I was unemployed. It was easy to go to the gym 4/5 times a week, work out at home, cook proper meals. Now having a full-time job, school, new boyfriend. Theres a lot of running around. Not to mention moving back in with the parents after dumping the idiot. Its hard to keep healthy food and lifestyle in an italian household... its one of the reasons i was big in the first place. I love my parents like any other 25 year old. But its sorta a toxic environment for a lifestyle change.

So it's been awhile... but I'm back.

Rededication comes with vows....

-Gym at least times a week, preferably 4
-Caloric intake per day does not exceed 1700, utilize calorie counter app
-Proper dietary supplements
-Train to run at 5k using a Couch to 5k app

Holy Bananas....

I honestly thought I would NEVER get the chance to say this...

I am 3 years post-op, after I plateaued and gained almost 20lbs back, I rededicated myself in February and...

I have finally hit ONEder LAND!!!!

I actually hit it a couple days ago, but I was afraid that I was weighing myself too early, or I had my "light" clothes on or something but nope... just weighed again and 198.6

What I am most surprised about is that, this is happening at this point in my life. All three people, including myself, my mother is having surgery next week and the rest of my exsistence is sort of falling apart. Honestly, striving for a healthy lifestyle is all I have at the moment. I'm actually a month early on my summer goal... who knew that could happen?

So 175 by new years here I come!

That's if they work, that is. 

So working for a Company that solely manufactures Vitamins (and pretty much every vitamin brand you can think of) certainly has its advantages. I'm learning all about vitamins and supplements. And I get a great discount from the Vitamin Factory outlet which has all Puritan's Pride vitamins. Buy 1 bottle get 2 free (that's for everybody), and then when I'm 3 months I get another 75% off of that. That's incredible.  Now the hard part. Which ones should I actually take?

Acai Berries: OK..here are my thoughts on the illusive Brazilian wonders. Dr. Oz, on Oprah, spoke about them, and then every woman in this country went nuts. It became the new craze. Websites and blogs popped everywhere claiming that this is the miracle pill. "Take this one pill and lose weight without diet and exercise..." Are you people crazy? Not only is that unrealistic, that just doesn't sound healthy. THERE IS NO MIRACLE PILL. Maybe crack...but then you have to do crack and who wants that? Gross. Here's the skinny (or the fatty...ha! get it? lol) on the Acai Berries.. They are an antioxidant. Plain and simple. There is no proven data that it links directly to weight loss. They are, however, amazing for you. They  get rid of free radicals and help in aiding a healthy metabolism, heart, eyes, skin.  They aren't the weight loss super food those websites claim. They offer a free trial and then 3 weeks later they send you bottle after bottle, charging you $90 a bottle. What a scam! Those people should be jailed for fraud. People have to be careful what they say on Oprah, there are too many gullible idiots in this world. I am taking 1000mg a day to promote a healthier lifestyle. 

Green Tea Extract: Pretty much the same as above, antioxidant, good for you, supposedly supports weight loss efforts. Can't be bad.

One-A-Day; Weight Smart Advanced® -  This I didn't get from my job, I think I got it from Target. Any who, It's basically a regular multivitamin, with Green Tea and Guarana seed extract added. Those are both antioxidants that aid in fat metabolism. 

B-100; Ultra B-Complex -  Its apparently made up of several B-vitamins that work together to support nervous system health, promote energy metabolism and is essential well-being. Or so says the bottle. I'm taking it because its a metabolism booster. Which, ya know, doesn't suck.

Cal-1000 -  After surgery, I cant really stomach dairy products. Too much milk in my cereal, ice cream, even putting milk instead of water in my oatmeal or too much in my coffee makes me completely nauseous. On top of that, I have sort of a dairy phobia, I don't know, the sight of yogurt, regular cream cheese, sour cream...ugh gross. It just makes me sick. I must have had a bad experience with old dairy gone bad or something, because the thought of the milky creamy stuff (oh, my stomach just turned)  just makes me want to vomit. So in sharing that TMI moment with you. I need a calcium supplement or I'm gonna end up with Osteoporosis before I hit the dreaded age of 30. Cal-1000 has 1070mg of calcium plus all sorts of other vitamins. Yay, milk... my way.

KLB6®- is Kelp, Soy Lecithin, B-6 and cider vinegar. Kelp works to maintain a healthy thyroid; Lecithin is an excellent natural source of choline and inositol; B-6 functions as a co enzyme involved in protein and fat metabolism; and Cider Vinegar is a natural and rich source of potassium and other minerals. Again..or so says the bottle. I asked around the office and they all said it has worked for them, and all of those things if they aren't a weight-loss miracle, they are still fantastic for you. So hey, why not. Plus there's a picture on the front of a skinny blond with a six pack holding a measuring tape around her stomach...I'm sold.

Colon Cleaners: Due to the fact I'm constantly constipated since the day I had this surgery. I'm am now taking these. In efforts to not going into so much detail, lets just say they have definitely helped.

Yea so this is the most amount of pills I have taken at once, ever. My next effort is to introduce more protein. I hate protein shakes, but they are necessary. I've been looking up recipes all day. I need to find PB2, that sounds yummy. I have been taking all these vitamins diligently for the last 4 months and hitting the gym 4 times a week. I have finally began to see some results. I have lost about 9 lbs (out of the 51 I need to finally hit goal) I feel better, although there was a period of large fatigue. A personal trainer told me it's because of all the antioxidants. The toxins are leaving parts of my body and hitting my blood stream in order to exit the body and it makes your tired and slightly week. I'm taking her word for it, because I finally am starting to feel better, less like a nutcase and like my body is finally heading in the right direction. Now I just need to get the rest of my life in order.....oy.

My medical insurance finally kicked back in. i went for my first blood test I've had since my Hernia surgery(which was on my 1 year anniversary of my WLS).


My blood test came back clean! Everything 100% on track. How can that be!?! I know i should be happy with a clear blood test, but I'm not. There is something wrong with me. I can tell. i have been working my ass off since Feb....Gym, religiously 4 times  week, eating right, getting my protein, taking 50-friggin-thousand vitamins and anti-oxidants....I have't lost an ounce. On top of that im exhuasted ALL the time. From the moment I wake up to the minute i go to sleep. I'm also starving all the time. I'm constantly hungry which is ridiculous. I'm hungrier then I can possibly fit inside me. And I dont want to fit inside me. I push myself to and I can run an hour and a half to two hours of cardio 4 times a week, but the minute I pick up a weight...even 3 lbs... I'm in so much pain I miss work sometimes! Meanwhile, my emotions are crazy! I cried three times during OPRAH last night....ok giving that it was a weight-loss episode with Kirstie Alley and an story about a 1000lb housebond man (which was always my biggest fear)...but then I also cried during a ctitbank commerical about an hour later. That happens all the time. That's not normal! How can my blood test be clear. How can I be putting in all this work, and feel like shit all the time. It doesnt make sense!

Everyone in my life thinks im depressed "maybe your depressed lauren"..."you seem down all the time"..."lexapro..." yadda yadda.

Im not depressed! I'm exhausted and irritable!  I'm not prone to depression. Granted im not thrilled with my current state but i dont think im depressed.  How can you even tell? I go through like 8 emotions in the span of 20 mintues. I feel like I have constant PMS. My poor bf...he probably thinks im crazy.

I've felt fat my whole life, but I've never felt like this until recently.....I feel alone, and a failure and i have no clue what to....

http://rennydesigner.blogspot.com/2009/04/things-ive-learned-in-life.html


It was too long to post here. 

Kymaro body shaper! What miraculous wonders happen when you add this product with a pair of spanx. The body shaper isnt perfect. It rolls up or down depending whether your wearing the top or bottom, but damn  it flattens you right out. The infomercial claims it makes you look like you lose 20 lbs....I dont know about that, but If you have excess skin, you would never  be able to tell. At the wedding last night I have control top panty hoes, spanks and the body shaper top and bottom. I never felt so skinny. I got so many compliments on my dress, that he was cute or sexy. Which was nice. I was so nervous about it. It's kinda crazy how nervous. I was close to hyperventilating! It crazy how much time we use up worrying about what people are thinking about us. I learned something I think...re-friggin-lax!

I bought the Kymaro body shaper on ebay, bc otherwise with all the shipping fees buying it from ubusyez costs almost 70 bucks. Its a nice product but not worth 70 bucks! I got it on ebay, brand new in the package for 40.



Its a little hard to get on. I had to have my bf help me pull it up so it got rid of the skin roll back there. It just disappeared! Awesome.

Holy lord...deja vu hit last night in full force. I have a wedding to go to this weekend, So I finally dragged my butt out last night to buy a dress. It happened to be the same place I bought my prom dress and what a miserable experience that was. 7 years ago (shit, I feel old) the dress selection for plus size girls was no where near what they have now. I remember going with my mom and trying on every dress in my size I could find. I think I was only a size 18/20 at that point. I didn't gain most of my weight until after high school. I was miserable. All these girls were in the dressing room trying on all these cute dresses, my selection was no where near as adorable. They all looked like Barbie. I felt like Barbie's overweight cousin Mildred. 

So in saying that you can see how my expectations for last night were not very high. Granted I'm a smaller size now, but I'm still plus sized. So I grabbed my brutally honest best friend Connie and headed to the store. I was amazed. The plus size section used to be tucked in the back corner. Now its right when you walk in the door and takes up half the store! Not only that....it almost mirrors the regular size section. All of the dresses in the plus size section where just bigger versions of the other dresses. It was great! It made me happy not only for me, but for the girl I was 7 years ago...because I know there are plenty of girls going to the prom this year that wont have to go through to tormented battle I went through to find a dress. I hate to say it, but I teared up in the dressing room thinking about that.  

I was in the dressing room with Connie and at least 12 dresses before we found the one that I we both loved. It was a red satin dress, knee length, with rouching all the way up and down the back and with kind of a pencil feel. Very sexy. Very red, very out of my comfort zone. Connie talked me into it. I really did like it, except it was a little snug and didn't really fit to good around my boobs. I hated the thought of going back and getting a 16, but then I rationalized with myself....This dress is hot. I look thin in it...If I get the bigger size I will be more comfortable all night, I may not even have to worry about a girdle type thing, and if a 16 is gonna make this dress go from hot to slammin. I'm in. I bought the 16.

I'm really nervous about it. I hate my calves. I hate my arms and I hoping I dont spend the whole night worrying about how I look in front of Paul's friends and there gorgeous gf's. Ill let you know. And Ill post pictures.

Cerberus, the guardian of my weight - loss. This ferocious beast will be the destroyer anything that gets in my way.

Be Afraid.

(I have no clue whose dog that is. I found that pic on the Internet. If it is your dog, don't sue me for stealing this. I just think he/she is adorable!)



I'm making little changes in my daily life. I find for myself if im making little changes instead of changing everything, they seem to stick better.  But the changes will not only make a difference in my weight, but my overall health which is important too. I started bringing a bag of carrots to work everyday. That way when I'm bored, or getting hungry I can start eating those, instead of the Quaker granola bars or something from the vending machine. I also introduced protein into breakfast every morning. Two slices of chicken cold cuts and egg white and a slice of cheese on a whole grain English muffin. I am thinking about cutting out the English muffin all together and adding vegetables instead. May saute up mushrooms, peppers and onions or something. We'll see what the grocery budget looks like =)

I was at ballys, on the bike, doing my cardio and got ambushed by a very tiny personal trainer that works for the club. She was very nice and very interested, she somehow talked me into a free session. Which I did today. When I tell you how this 90 lb. 5-foot woman kicked the living crap out of me, I mean it. Wow. I feel like jelly. She had me doing jumping jacks and all sorts of strange legs lifts. Which was cool, except I didn't like doing that in front of other people. I don't think thin people really understand how if feels to have all your fluff-n-stuff bouncing around mid jumping jack. Especially in front of other people. Definitely not a self esteem booster. After the session she was saying how we should do this twice a week...and then showed me the prices. Eleven hundred dollars for 16 sessions or 400 dollars a month for 16 sessions. Holy crap. I cant afford that. Do I look like Oprah? No. She was very nice, and her workout was awesome, but there is no way. If that's how much it costs to be thin. I cant be. I will do this myself. Ill take what I learned from her tonight and try to keep it going.

I need to make a work out plan. I think I should get up in the morning and work out. Do all those leg lifts, sit ups and jumping jacks she had me do but in the comfort of my bedroom before work. (I say this now but after I hit the snooze button for the 60th time I probably wont be up for it.) I should get up earlier. I wish I was one of those people that could get up at 4 to go to the gym. I have a problem getting up at 730 when I have work at 9. I usually hit the snooze until 8, when I'm verging on being late.

I need to figure out something to do on weekends tho. I love my best friend. But shes 5 months pregnant. Not the ideal person when you don't want to eat too much. We had pizza and tacos and other wonders of goodness this weekend. I know I am allowed to cheat one day every once and a while, but I cant keep that up. I'm gonna have to carry healthy snacks everywhere. I don't care if my friends think I'm a tool. It has to be done.

I am very excited, however, about her baby shower. Which I'm helping with. She is having a baby girl... Lily Grace. Very sweet name right. I'm the Godmother and I'm really excited about that! I get to be a honorary Aunt! Which is very cool, because I don't have any brothers or sisters. Id be a good aunt. I don't know if I have the mind to be a great mother. I think I'm maternal. I do tend to take care of people better then I take care of myself. I just don't know if I am capable of that much responsibility. I still break all my cell phones and constantly lose my keys. But I could def be a kick ass aunt. I can harness responsibility for a few hours when baby sitting or even days if needed, plus I like to spoil people, so Its perfect. I guess we shall see what the future holds for me.

OK I was thinking about the goals part of this website...I have all those, I want to lose weight, want to look good in a bathing suit goals that everyone has but my actual goals are somewhat different

Kevin James... "I don't want to lose a ton of weight. I just want to lose enough weight so my stomach doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth."

"Hey, you're a fat ass too! Cool I'm not the only one!"
Every time I walk into a room full of people. I want to stop looking for a fatter person then me. This is something all of my friends and I do. We walk into a bar and the minute we spot another fatty immediately someone says. "We cool, not the fattest one here." Like just because there is a heavier person in the room in some how invalidates what porkers we are. I have done this my whole life. Even before my friends and I started at the bar scene. I always walked into a classroom, a meeting, a camp outing, anything. I always look around for someone heavier then me. Somehow it makes me feel better.

To quote Whitney (pre-crack addiction) " I wanna dance! [with somebody]"
I want to feel like my boyfriend is proud to have me. All of his friends have these amazingly beautiful girlfriends. Thin, sweet, gorgeous. Triple Threats. If they weren't genuinely nice people, I would hate them all. My boyfriend has no fault in this. Doesn't directly make me feel fat or gross. But he's kinda quiet, not big on the sharing of his feelings kinda guy. Sometimes I don't know what he thinks when it comes to my shape. We all go out to the club and all the gf's are bopping around like music video dancers and then there's me...doing the fat girl shuffle trying to fit in. (The "fat girl shuffle" is similar to the "mom at a wedding" dance, but we try to add a Lil hip movement to seem sexy). I want to be able to dance. With out being in pain and huffing and puffing after 10 minutes. And look damn good while doing it! The whole situation is quite frustrating. And then no one understands why I'm so self conscious while I'm there. Ugh he needs a friend with a fat girlfriend so I can apply the rule above.

"Even with all the mayo in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit"
Excuse my French but...I want to wear sexy, fashionable, non-plus size clothes. Now-a-days it's easier then when I was in high school. There was nothing for me to wear when I was in high school. Now its slightly easier because I have lost weight from the surgery. But now I teeter totter between plus size and regular clothes. Stores like torrid, lane Bryant and dots have produced clothing lines that are fashionable for younger people. It still can be hit or miss. I want to wear sexy clothes. Like, show a little skin, feel like a hottie, sexy. I HATE it when fat girls squeeze there butts into tight clothing thinking they are all sexy. What is that? I know I have deli ham arms. That's why I don't let them things hang out at the club. I don't get it. You are suppose to dress for the job you want, not the body you want! You dress the body you have. If those jeans are going to give you a muffin top, BUY BIGGER JEANS. Id rather go a size up then have my ass looking ridiculous spilling out of a pair of jeans. Short skirts, skin tight clothes, tank tops, etc these things are not for us porkers! I don't even know why these company's make clothes like that in our size. Its not flattering. If you have a crappy body, terrible 'chicken shit' clothes aren't going to help you!
OK, that rant is over.

I want to be able to jog on the treadmill at the gym. I always feel like my flab is bouncing around all over the place. Its embarrassing.

I want to feel worth it.

This blog...I'm gonna use as a food diary, a general diary, and basically a psychologist, because I'm not paying to sit in a room with a stranger for them to just keep asking me "how do you feel about that?" So I'm just gonna tell you how I feel about it. Deal?