A Beginning (and a Detour?)

Sep 24, 2009

Things are starting to get a little crazy so I thought I'd better start a blog. I've never had a blog before so I'm not entirely sure of what I'm doing. That's really no different than my usual life so I'm just going to jump in.

I've been on ObesityHelp now for a little over 3 weeks but I'm in the 5th month of my journey to bariatric surgery.  You can read my profile for background information but essentially I've been overweight or obese since I was 6 years old -- more than 50 years ago.

I'm into the 5th month of the 6 months the insurance company requires. I'm also the primary caregiver for both of my parents who are in their late 80's. My little baby sister (who is now 54  ) has been on disability for the last 15 years due to serious health issues which continue to deteriorate. My obesity has given me osteoarthritis in my hips and knees that requires me to use a cane to get around. I've been on a fixed income since I was laid off from Verizon 3 years ago -- about the time I started caring for my parents. I'm not complaining -- this is just my reality. I'm actually grateful that I have medical insurance that will pay for this surgery; that my parents are still alive and coherent; that my sister has a wonderful husband; that my obesity-related health problems are not more serious; that, before MCI & Verizon, I worked at IBM long enough to receive a modest pension plus the insurance to pay for this surgery. But, as grateful as I am, I feel like there's enough on my plate, thank you very much.

Apparently not.   I went to the dentist yesterday for a check-up and x-rays and he discovered a shadow in my jaw that required him to take a full panoramic x-ray. It showed what he thinks is a large area inside my jaw where the bone is missing. 20 years ago, I had a bone cyst removed from that area and they told me at that time that the bone may or may not fill back in. Apparently, not only did it not fill back in, but it continued to deteriorate, creating a void from my last molar towards the back of my jawbone. He seemed pretty alarmed and told me this needed to be taken care of immediately as there was enough bone missing that I could actually break my jaw by biting down too hard on something. His alarm fed my own to the point that, when I got home last night, I was pretty freaked. I have an appointment to see an oral surgeon for evaluation next Tuesday.

After a good night's sleep, I've calmed down quite a bit. I've learned a lot about acceptance in my recovery from other addictions. I've learned that, since I didn't cause this and I can't do anything to fix it on my own, there is no sense worrying about it until I hear what the oral surgeon has to say on Tuesday. I'm just concerned that this might require surgery to correct and that might delay my bariatric surgery to the point where my authorization from the insurance company expires. But thinking that far into the future is not planning, it's projecting.

I was rattled enough that I thought I'd start this blog just to get stuff out of my head and into the open where I can see it more realistically. I called this entry "A Beginning (and a Detour?)" because I'm both documenting my beginning on a new, healthier lifestyle as well as the possible detour my jaw presents. Right now I can't do anything about the jaw but I can continue my commitment to eating more wisely. I'm happy to say that I did not sit here last night and stuff myself with food to deaden my fears. As I've been taught, take care of what you can take care of and leave the rest to God. My sister has a little plaque in her house that says "Give your problems to God. He'll be up all night anyway." I've always liked that thought.

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