Roanne67
18 days out and mourning
Nov 15, 2006
i am now 18 days post op and feel like i am in the hardest part of this...i hope it is at least...i am sick of pureed mush and my emotions are all over the place...mostly sad...my therapist says i am mourning my loss of food...i have had an eating disorder as long as i can remember...from anerexia as a teenager to bulimia in my early 20's to compulsive overeating in my 30's....i chose this as a way to stop the cycle and now i have some heavy issues i cannot hide from...i don't drink or use drugs....stopped when i was 20....so food was my fix....and boy did i use it and abuse it....i have to keep in focus why i am doing this and not what i have lost....but at the same time....it is a loss...good or bad...it is a loss....and i feel it and am going through it...not covering it up and i feel vulnerable and naked and exposed....i feel like i have nowhere to run and hide....but like with the drugs and booze...i will get through this too and hopefully deal with some issues i have been stuffing for years and be a happier person in the long run....i remember when i stopped drinking....going back was not an option to me but being where i was in the beginning was not where i wanted to be either...i was pissed and sad and missed my booze and the life it gave me...i didn't know how else to live and what the future held....i didn't know how to cope....at least now i have a good life....good friends and a good job....i had nothing then....but i do hate where i am at now...i just keep saying this too shall pass and i will not be here forever....i know some will not understand where i am coming from but this is my journey and this is where i am coming from and who i am and i know that someone out there understands perfectly what i am feeling and i want u to know ....u are not alone....
