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I'm past menopause at 54 years old.  Starting weight is 342.

OK, it's been almost a couple weeks.  Am I anxious for nothing?  I was eating "by eye"  As I watched the scale, it slowed.  I paniced.  Was I up to my old tricks already?  My God save me.  I'm afraid.  So I got out the scale & found a website where I could write and track my consumption accurately.  I found that I was still within parameters but guessing just is not good enough any more.  For the first time in my life, I've got to take this seriously.  I cannot fail.  What else is out there for me?  This is it & I refuse to give-up.  

I found that measuring food was not so bad.  I've never actually commited to eating correctly.  It's actually ok.  

OK, I'm down about 24 lbs.  I thank-you God.  But tell me, am I dreaming?  Will this really happen to me too?  As I look at the other people's before/after photos, I am just scared out of my mind that it will not work for me.  Oh please God forgive me for my fear, doubt.  But I tell you this, I will not give-up.  I'm in & I ain't leaving until I get what I came for. I'm taking back my health and leaving the excess fat on the roadside.  I got to live.

I did it because I was sick & tired of being sick & tired.  I compromised.  I gave up walking - started using a cane - stopped going out where I had to walk - got a chair with wheels so I would not have to walk even inside my house.  Etc.etc.

My moma died two years ago.  Diabetic, she smoked, high blood pressure, etc. etc.  Daddy is still very active but takes insulin because the pills will not regulate him anymore.  The writing was certainly on the wall. I was going to die of complications brought on by being FAT.  Even my 96 year old grandmother asked,”Why can't you just shut your mouth & stop eating (too much)"?  God asks so little of me & I managed to even blow this!

OK,   I prayed again for the Lord to guide me. If He didn't want me to get the surgery, just let me know.  He pointed me to a pastor/friend who also had the WLS & was doing fine.  He counseled me.


So........., I could go on with this pity party but it's time to move on. 

I saw another blog & decided to copy something because it presented a lot of my feelings!  Thanks  PhoenixB!

- - - - - -- -- - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -- 8-21-07- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now here are some things I'm going to miss about being overweight. I want to make a list that I can come back and look at it next August 21, 2008.

1. I'll really miss being called "Maam" by some middle-aged man at the store because I look so old & crippled from carrying all that weight that he thinks I need his pity.   I don't need it!
2. I’ll miss being mistaken for my 37 yr old sister's mother. This has happened so often I don't even bother to protest.
3. I'll mss walking into a regular size clothing store and having the sales person say, "There's a plus size store in this mall too".  I always remind them that I'm shopping for my sisters or daughters.
4. I will miss going out in public and have people stare because I'm not human looking.
5. I'll miss not being able to fully reach my butt to wipe it clean.  I sit on the toilet, sit on my hand to hold it in place as I wiggle my arm further under me to wipe with toilet paper.  Yea, I’ll really miss that one.
6. How about this one, I'll miss going out to eat in a restaurant and having silence engulfs the room as you lift your fork to your mouth ...."Oh my bad, that’s right I'm not supposed to eat.  Certainly I'll burst open this time - watch!"
7. I’ll miss having my shorts wedged in places that most would never venture and there's no polite way of removing it. 
I'll miss the inner thigh rubs that were so intense that I could light a grill with the sparks. Really gonna miss that burning sensation a lot.
8. I'll miss not being able to lift my right leg high enough to get in/out of cars, ride a bike, or meet the next rise on the stairs.
9. I'll miss getting "winded” as you walk. I always pretend not to be so tired when out with husband because I embarrass him so..., Too bad for him lol.
10. I'll miss being the only fully clothed woman on the beach.  I really thought wearing a full dress would hide me.   I'll miss the stares of the many women who were looking at me like I had some disease that they didn't want to catch.  I'll miss the husband and boyfriend stares saying,”You better not ever look like that." 
11.  I'll miss having only two seats in the entire house I feel safe to sit in. One is the raised toilet seat and the other is a wheeled office chair.   I never sit in the living room because I can't get out of the chairs. The dining room is too delicate; I've already broken the arms on one chair.  The kitchen chairs are too low, causing my legs to go numb.  In front of the worst people in the world - my husband's family, I fell out/collapsed an outside plastic lawn chair!  I'll really miss that.
12.  I'll miss not being able to get in/out of my pool because I can't climb the 250 pound weight limit stairs.
13.  I'll miss being invisible around my husband's friends.  Mainly because I won't be there with my skinny self LOL!!!!!!!
14.  I'll miss praying on the toilet because I can't get down on my knees.
15. I'll miss not seeing my vagina area (and my toes) unless it's reflected in a mirror.
16.  I'll miss being completely fashion-less.  At my size (32), I'm only concerned with what fits.  
17.  I'll miss driving all the time because I don't fit on the passenger side.
18.  I'll miss asking/begging/pleading my family for help me in a "need" because I can't walk, carry a load, or fit into places of the house to get chores done.  (I'll be glad to be rid of them all ASAP.)
19. I'll miss being retired and alone, sitting at home waiting for a shoe, any shoe to drop because I don't have the strength to carry this tremendous weight around and escape outside the front door.
20.  I'll miss watching my garden any world from my window because I can't participate in it.

Boy!  I can't wait to go over this list next year!

 

 

 

(This is written much later, but I wanted to documet my feelings on that day (9-18-07)  

Yes, I'm glad to see the old man go.  I'm so glad it's finally time.  God has been so good to me.  The insurance company turned down my first case because the University of Maryland Hospital is not in the network/not a hospital certified of excellence for WLS.  I spoke with the insurance rep & asked what hospital and what doctors they WOULD approve.  I went to Inova since it was one of the centers of excellence in the area.  The hospital is far (1 - 2 hours travel time) but, I declare, it's the best hospital/staff/doctor team I've ever delt with.  I wil never go any other place.  

I had my last supper,  on Saturday - outback steak, loaded baked potato, ceaser salad, & a big piece of chocolate cake. I ate it alone, without family/friends.  I wanted to concentrate on it.  well.....,

I was in prayer about this, wrote a short will if "I should die before I wake", and went shopping for my new food/vitamin/meds supplies.

8-21-07 The surgery was terrible, horrible.  I almost died.  Something went wrong.  I'm still seeing specialists (hemotologist) to find out.  When I woke from surgery I have horrible pain in the throat.  It was like the tube was caught & tearing my flesh. (I've had surgery before & never felt this type of pain.)  After they took out the tube, I called my husband for immediate prayer.  (On scale of 1-10, the throat pain was 11.)

The nurse & husband thought I was over reacting!  Insisted on prayer!  My husband left for work (I had insisted that he do this prior to the surgery to since husband couldn't really take-off from work. He was to return after work, which he did.)

As soon as he left, they tried to put a mask over my face.  I couldn't do it, I am clostiphobic.  So the nurse gave me a cup that fit under my chin.  When she turned her back to help another patient, blood started to pour out of my mouth, filling the cup!  I couldn't talk, I was choking on it & swallowing what I could.  Blood was everywhere.  it filled the cup so fast, I thought I might drown in it.  The nurse turned around & shouted.  Everybody came over. They immediately took me back into surgery.  The head explained they need to re-open to find the leak.  

When I woke up, I was back.  This time my throat didn't hurt. They removed the tube in my throat & I cried.  It was the first time that I could cry.  I felt better.  The doctor said there were no leaks but just to be sure he reinforced all stitches.  They removed all the blood that had filled my body cavity.  Blood had entered my lungs too.

I went to ICU for two days. Blood transfusion total = 7 units.  Yes, I replaced ALL of my blood.  I was out of it, hallucinating, too weak to even roll over.  I was coughing up blood for the next 3 days.  I coughed almost every 3-5 minutes.  I could not sleep in ICU.  I developed infection/fever.  Asthma attack occured and oxygen level was too low to go without  breathing assistance.  But I was not really in pain.  I really hated having to have so many needles inserted into my hands/arms to keep fluids/meds going.

But near the end of my 9 days in hospital,  I GOT BETTER.  Praise GOD!!!!While I was there, it looked bad.  (It was so bad that when my aunt died, while I was in ICU,  my husband wouold not tell me because he didn't think I was strong enough to take the bad news.)  

I walked to the bathroom with all those lines/tbes/needles/heartmonitor.  The nurse had to wash me, buteventually I did it myself.

OK, I've got a funny....., The urine catheter stayed in a little longer than normall.  So when it was time to take it out, they wanted to do it slowlyy.  While I was sleep/almost awake a nurse explained that they would shut-off the tube to see if the bladder woul do it's job & hold.  I agreed & went on back to sleep.  An hour later I shot up realizing that I had agreed to do this for 4-hours!!!!  I always pee every hour around the clock.  I suddenly realized that I needed to pee!!!  I called the nurse, alerting her to the emergency, but too late.  There I was to weak to get from the bed, connected to machines/tubes, with my catheter closed-off!  I wondered, to my horror, where would te pee go?  Would I just burst open?  I called again, the nurse was on the way, but it was too late, pee was flowing everywhere.  It was a flood to cover the entire bed & the floor under the bed too!  I didn't know that I could do that but everybody got a good laugh about it.  I felt better too.  Laughing is good.  Even the cleaning lady laughed & told not to doit again during her work shift.

Well I washed my self, packed my bags & left even though I had developed a urine infection (which they treated before I left), I got up & rode out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.  

God is so good. I believe that if I had been at any other hospital I might have died.   The staff gave 100% to work with me around the clock.  There was even a nurse that just sat beside me for 24 hours when I went back into surgery the 2nd time.  I thought she was my foster sister so the hospital let her stay with me.

I am forever in His will.  Praise God, Praise God. Oh God, thank-you.  He said He would never leave me & He did not!