savanna

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

One day I was sitting at home with my mom, and my daddy called. He said “Savanna we need to talk” so I knew it was bad. He said that he had been throwing up blood and that he was going to the doctor when he got home. He said it may not be anything but he wanted to warn me that he may have lung cancer. I held it together while on the phone and I just said ok. As soon as I hung the phone up I started crying. I called my cousin Becky and told her and she said don’t worry it is probably just pneumonia so I thought yea she’s right that’s probably it.

My dad got home and he went to the doctor and it was! It was pneumonia! Thank you God! I mean that’s not good but better than lung cancer. So my dad started on meds for that, starting to get over it. But a couple of weeks later was his check-up and that was the visit where everything went so wrong. He went through some test and yep.. Lung cancer. It was. Lung cancer. How? Why? I thought it was pneumonia? He was wrong? How could he mistake that? My daddy has lung cancer. I had to let it sink in. I have to be strong. My dad always taught me to be strong. I couldn’t break down. I had to stay strong. We can get through this. Cant we?

Let me go back and explain me and my dad’s relationship. When I was a kid I didn’t want my daddy to come home because he would make me clean my room and do things. But the older I got the better our relationship got. He would have helped anyone, he would do everything within his power to help you. He always went to work, up until he was very sick with cancer. He knew he had us to take care of. My daddy was my best friend, my hero.

Now my mom is sick and my dad. My dad didn’t want to be a burden on me so he spent a lot of time at my aunts house. I would call him and beg him to come home and he would say I am I am just letting the bad part pass. I just want my daddy to come home. But he didn’t, he stayed at my aunts, then he got sick and went to the hospital and they found that he had pneumonia. So he was in ICU due to the fact that he had lung cancer and pneumonia so they could watch him closely. I was at the hospital with my mom when I got a phone call from the nurse at the hospital asking me if I could come that my daddy was waking up freaking out and she thought maybe it would help. Now in ICU your not allowed in there but for a couple of hours a day so I asked about that and she said I could stay with him.

I left the hospital with my mom and went to the hospital where my daddy was, its like an hour and a half away. When I got there he was asleep but it was way more serious than I thought. He had an oxygen mask on and would wake up and he couldn’t breathe so he would freak out and throw the oxygen mask off. I had never seen him like this before. It was kind of like he would claw at his face to try to get air, I would try to talk to him but he didn’t know what was going on. I finally decided it was time to call people this is not good. So I called my aunt. She came and stayed with me. There was one time he woke up and knew we were there. But the others he just woke up angry or upset.

The doctor came and asked to speak with me and told me that they thought he had a couple of days left to live. What?!?! I thought he was just here to be watched? This is it.. My daddy.. He’s dying? Really? They said I needed to make a decision on whether to put him on life support or not and so I talked to the rest of the family and I asked the doctor if they could make the pneumonia go away and then take him off and he would be ok. But the doctor said no that by then he would totally rely on the life support. I couldn’t do this… I cant do this. I am trying to be so strong like he taught me but I cant. I cant be strong anymore. I went to the bathroom and collapsed on the floor crying not knowing what to do. I need my daddy! Why! I don’t want him to die! My aunt came in and said savanna the doctor needs an answer now.. Its changed. he’s got about 30 mins. OH GOD WHY OH MY GOD. DON’T DO THIS PLEASE.

I have to pull it together my daddy needs me… I have an answer to give the doctor. I said no. no life support he wouldn’t be happy on that. They said that they would have to clean it every two hours and it hurts, I don’t want my daddy in anymore pain than he is in. but what if he could get rid of the pneumonia and live for another year but what if I do put him on it and he just stays in pain? Oh god I cant believe this is happening. So I told the doctor no. this is so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I stayed in the room with him and my uncles and aunts would come in one at a time cause there was a 2 person limit. My uncle terry was in the room and my daddy woke up. He was alert then but he was having trouble breathing. And you could tell, it was the most fear I ever saw on anyone’s face. His eyes were big and he was trying to gasp for air but there was none. He was looking at us with a look that was saying why aren’t you helping me? He couldn’t breathe hardly at all. He looked at my uncle with a tear rolling down his cheek and said I’m dying huh? oh no he knew. He could feel it. Please god just make it better.

The respiratory specialist took me to the side and asked me if my daddy was saved and I really didn’t know. He didn’t go to church but I didn’t know if he really was or not. But he went in to check on my daddy and came out and said don’t worry he will go to heaven he woke up and we prayed. He took Jesus into his heart. So now you can have the peace of mind that he is saved and going to a better place.

Why did he have to know he was dying. I don’t know the answer to my questions. But I do know that in the middle of all my praying for god to do something. Take him out of pain or make him better or do something…..anything. He gave me the greatest gift on earth. My daddy woke up one more time and was alert. I crawled in the hospital bed with him and laid with him and said I love you daddy and he said I love you too baby. no one can ever take that away from me. I got to say goodbye and I love you to my daddy. I had been up for about 2 days at this point so my aunt got the hospital to give me a room and finally talked me into going to sleep. I was asleep about 30 mins when my aunt Joyce came running in the room yelling WAKE UP RUN she said he was going right now I needed to come so I ran to the room and just as I ran in he took his last breath. I guess i was wrong. we couldnt get through this.

My Daddy… My Hero. April 3^rd 2006. He is really gone. I thought he was superman since I was a kid. Superman isn’t supposed to die. I don’t understand why or how someone as good of a person as he was has to go. His time wasn’t over. I STILL NEED HIM. My mom still needs him. We need him. We love him. I just don’t get it. Guess I never will. My uncles were angry… one of them punched the parking sign outside saying it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Over time the family started to leave til I was the last one sitting in my car in the front of the hospital. Its over. He is really gone. I guess I somehow thought if I didn’t leave the hospital it wouldn’t be true. I don’t know what I thought. I just knew I didn’t want to leave my daddy. I didn’t want him to die. Not that anyone ever wants anyone to die. He taught me to be strong but damn it I couldn’t anymore. I cried everyday. I cant handle it. I had been strong for as long as I could.

So now what? I go home? I have a funeral to plan. Why he was 43 years old. He was too young to die and I was too young to lose him. Now what? that’s all I could say. How does god give you the most wonderful daddy in the world and then he says HAHA you cant have him anymore. Really? Is it better that I had him for a short time? Cause if I didn’t have him I wouldn’t miss him right? So… I plan a funeral. And figure out how in the world I am suppose to take care of my mom with no income and no insurance. Not to mention my two kids.

Now its august 06 and we have obviously found a way to make it and I am in horrible shape. I am so full of hate and confusion and hurt. I don’t know how to do this. I need my daddy. I am drinking like a fish to make it all better. All the while trying to take care of a mom that is equally full of hate, hurt and not to mention physically sick. She weighs almost 400 lbs and cannot walk on her own. So she becomes ill and goes into the hospital and she turns 43 while she is there august 21^st 2006. On the morning of august 27^th 2006 I get a phone call that says my mom is about to die as well. So I rush to the hospital. And I am so ashamed that on the way there I prayed that she would die. She has been sick since about 1999. And she hurts everyday and she had enough. Not to mention I had enough as well. And I know that sounds bad but its how I felt. I prayed that she would go. When I walked in she had died about 10 mins before I got there. And everyone was in there crying. I tried. I really did. But I couldn’t cry. I was so hard hearted at this point I couldn’t. What the hell… god is dragging me through the mud and rubble of my life that had just fallen apart a couple of months earlier. I didn’t expect anything different. I expected to have what little I had left to fall right on top of my head.

I didn’t do anything but get angrier, why did god pick me to be without both parents. Is this karma? Is he paying me back for something I did wrong? My god it must have been bad what ever I did. I got to the point where I didn’t even think there WAS a god. My god wouldn’t have let this happen? Would he?. Everyone kept saying god wont give you anymore than you can handle… yea right cause I wasn’t handling this. About may 2009 is when I finally started going through the emotions that I should have allowed in 2006. I realized of course god is real… if I was angry with him I obviously believe he was there right? I stopped drinking in 2007 but I still had some kind of thing that I just wouldn’t let myself get through this. I realized that its just me and my kids. And I have to go on and I have to make sure that I don’t let my kids go through this. I need to stay healthy and I need to take care of myself as well as my kids. I have forgiven my mom for things that she did for years and years. I can finally openly say I love my mom. I loved her. I got a divorce from an abusive husband.

I am at the point now where I know that I have to pick up the millions of pieces that my life fell in and say you know what……they may be in pieces but they are still there and can fit back in place. Maybe some can be thrown out and the puzzle may be a bit smaller but they are there. I can pick them up. I may have to pick them up one by one but I will have my life back and my kids will have their mom back and the only thing I can do is say I am sorry to them that it took me this long. I have been there for them but its so hard while I am “really not here.” im ready to take control and go on with life. And I will never “get over it.” people say the more time that goes by it will be better. I totally disagree. The more time that goes by the more I miss my daddy. The more I need him. The more I just want to sit down with him and be like DADDY THE SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!! I have pity parties. My son hunter’s football team won their championship game and I get home to call people… and…. I have no one to call. I get my approval for surgery… I have no one to call. I don’t know why this happened. What I do know is it did. And now I have to take it and learn from it and be a stronger person.