Scrabholic
Me
Mar 07, 2008
Hi!
My names is Karen, I'm a 49 year old substitute teachers aide and artist from Massachusetts. I had RNY gastric bypass on 1/8/08 - a day I mark as the day I started "living" again. It feels so good to take some control over my life and wish I had done it years ago. I have a wonderful supportive husband and three fantastic kids ages 20, 18 and 16. I really live a charmed life compared to many but have struggled with depression for many years. My weight had alot to do with it - although with the scale dropping I'm still not as happy as I'd hope to be.
My highest weight was probably 250 - BMI 41.5, that I can attribute to bad problems lending itself to a more sedentary lifestyle and yo-yo dieting. I never really thought I ate too much volume - mostly just the wrong things - I'm a definite carbholic and love sweets, which is why the decision for surgery was so difficult. I really had to have a long talk with myself and be ready to change for good - the surgery would just be a start. I had my surgery in January this year, as I said, at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston, and really have had a very easy time of it. As of today, March 7th, exactly 2 months since the surgery, I'm 200 lbs and down two sizes. That really feels great! I'm off my blood pressure medicine, cholesterol medicine and C-Pap machine. I'm finding exercising much easier and my back and general aches and pains are much improved.
It hasn't been a total walk in the park though - I was hoping I would feel differently about food, but I don't, still craving sweets, etc but have managed to stay strong against the urge. I'm hungry most of the time, so I really don't feel much different than before surgery. It''s taking a huge amount of will power and planning to do what I have to do to keep the weight coming off in a healthy way. I admit I don't get all my water or protein in most days but I do my best. I stay away from most sweets, and haven't had white bread or pastas, etc and really don't miss them much.
I really have a black or white way of looking at my food issues, I'm either being "good" or "bad", eating "good" or "bad" food, and tend to define myself by that. I get very down on myself if I'm not doing "good" and that has led to some bulemia and definitely added to the depression. Most days I'm ok though and hopeful that I can stay on track.
My biggest fear is that I'll stop losing or start gaining again - and if that happens I know I will really be a mess. I feel like I'm definitely painted into a corner and HAVE to do this now, otherwise I'll be the biggest failure, loser around. My family and friends all accept me at any weight so the pressure is definitely self-inflicted. I will be absolutely amazed if I become "thin" because deep down I really am afraid to hope for "thinness" - just happy to be normal weight. I've felt like an outsider looking in for so long - so isolated because of my feelings about my weight that I don't know what it would be like not to have it be the main focus of your thoughts day-in and day-out. It's funny that when I was younger and definitely of normal weight I never felt normal, always felt like the fat girl. Hopefully somewhere down the line self acceptance will come. I'm really looking forward to seeing where I end up!!
My names is Karen, I'm a 49 year old substitute teachers aide and artist from Massachusetts. I had RNY gastric bypass on 1/8/08 - a day I mark as the day I started "living" again. It feels so good to take some control over my life and wish I had done it years ago. I have a wonderful supportive husband and three fantastic kids ages 20, 18 and 16. I really live a charmed life compared to many but have struggled with depression for many years. My weight had alot to do with it - although with the scale dropping I'm still not as happy as I'd hope to be.
My highest weight was probably 250 - BMI 41.5, that I can attribute to bad problems lending itself to a more sedentary lifestyle and yo-yo dieting. I never really thought I ate too much volume - mostly just the wrong things - I'm a definite carbholic and love sweets, which is why the decision for surgery was so difficult. I really had to have a long talk with myself and be ready to change for good - the surgery would just be a start. I had my surgery in January this year, as I said, at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston, and really have had a very easy time of it. As of today, March 7th, exactly 2 months since the surgery, I'm 200 lbs and down two sizes. That really feels great! I'm off my blood pressure medicine, cholesterol medicine and C-Pap machine. I'm finding exercising much easier and my back and general aches and pains are much improved.
It hasn't been a total walk in the park though - I was hoping I would feel differently about food, but I don't, still craving sweets, etc but have managed to stay strong against the urge. I'm hungry most of the time, so I really don't feel much different than before surgery. It''s taking a huge amount of will power and planning to do what I have to do to keep the weight coming off in a healthy way. I admit I don't get all my water or protein in most days but I do my best. I stay away from most sweets, and haven't had white bread or pastas, etc and really don't miss them much.
I really have a black or white way of looking at my food issues, I'm either being "good" or "bad", eating "good" or "bad" food, and tend to define myself by that. I get very down on myself if I'm not doing "good" and that has led to some bulemia and definitely added to the depression. Most days I'm ok though and hopeful that I can stay on track.
My biggest fear is that I'll stop losing or start gaining again - and if that happens I know I will really be a mess. I feel like I'm definitely painted into a corner and HAVE to do this now, otherwise I'll be the biggest failure, loser around. My family and friends all accept me at any weight so the pressure is definitely self-inflicted. I will be absolutely amazed if I become "thin" because deep down I really am afraid to hope for "thinness" - just happy to be normal weight. I've felt like an outsider looking in for so long - so isolated because of my feelings about my weight that I don't know what it would be like not to have it be the main focus of your thoughts day-in and day-out. It's funny that when I was younger and definitely of normal weight I never felt normal, always felt like the fat girl. Hopefully somewhere down the line self acceptance will come. I'm really looking forward to seeing where I end up!!
