seasicksquid
Where I Stand Today
Jun 04, 2009
I haven't updated since the year after my surgery, so I figure it's time.
Long story short - the surgery gave me huge opportunities that I grabbed onto with vigor. I went to Africa for a year, like I always said I wanted to. Well I did it. Daaaaamn straight! It was an amazin experience. I "finished" college 2 years ago, but I plan on going back soon. I now sail competitively and love it, and I don't think it's something I would have ever had the balls to do if I had never lost any weight.
In between all of that, I also gained back a lot of weight. I got up as high as 305, compared to my 330ish at time of surgery, and my low weight of about 200. Not something I'm proud of. I never let it stop me, though, which I am incredibly proud of myself for. I did, however, go back to my surgeon, because I was experiencing lots of abdominal pain and nausea. I thought I was crazy and doing it to myself, but my mother talked me into going to see my surgeon.
My surgeon took me very seriously, which I didn't expect at first. I was ran through the ringer - had all sorts of tests that showed nothing before he finally said, let's go and look inside.
When they did, they discovered what is called a "Candy Cane Roux Limb," which is when there is an unnecessarily long length of roux limb. Food would go into it and not only allow me to eat more than my pouch would allow, but would cause pain. So my surgeon did a little nip tuck wham bam and effectively returned me to Day 1, Post Gastric Bypass.
So here I stand. 4.5 years after my original surgery, with a second chance. And 30 less pounds to lose than before. AND an already well established cardio/strength exercise routine and vegetarian diet. And an awesome support system of great friends and family. I have all the tools in place now.
Watch out, here I come.
AAAHHH That was cheesy. You love it!
0 comments
Long story short - the surgery gave me huge opportunities that I grabbed onto with vigor. I went to Africa for a year, like I always said I wanted to. Well I did it. Daaaaamn straight! It was an amazin experience. I "finished" college 2 years ago, but I plan on going back soon. I now sail competitively and love it, and I don't think it's something I would have ever had the balls to do if I had never lost any weight.
In between all of that, I also gained back a lot of weight. I got up as high as 305, compared to my 330ish at time of surgery, and my low weight of about 200. Not something I'm proud of. I never let it stop me, though, which I am incredibly proud of myself for. I did, however, go back to my surgeon, because I was experiencing lots of abdominal pain and nausea. I thought I was crazy and doing it to myself, but my mother talked me into going to see my surgeon.
My surgeon took me very seriously, which I didn't expect at first. I was ran through the ringer - had all sorts of tests that showed nothing before he finally said, let's go and look inside.
When they did, they discovered what is called a "Candy Cane Roux Limb," which is when there is an unnecessarily long length of roux limb. Food would go into it and not only allow me to eat more than my pouch would allow, but would cause pain. So my surgeon did a little nip tuck wham bam and effectively returned me to Day 1, Post Gastric Bypass.
So here I stand. 4.5 years after my original surgery, with a second chance. And 30 less pounds to lose than before. AND an already well established cardio/strength exercise routine and vegetarian diet. And an awesome support system of great friends and family. I have all the tools in place now.
Watch out, here I come.
AAAHHH That was cheesy. You love it!
From Old Profile
Jun 04, 2009
Hello. I'm 19 years old and a college student at University of Evansville in Indiana. I'm 5'6 and I weigh 358. Pathetic, but true. My parents are also obese, but my mom has had WLS and been successful. I've been overweight my entire life. I was a fat little overcooked baby, and now I'm a fat adult. Now it's time to do something about it.
Warning: I do use this as a journal-type place to vent about anything and everything.
06.05.04 - I went to a seminar with Surgical Specialists of Louisiana last week and they seemed like a safe program. I'm currently awaiting a call for an initial visit. It might take a while for everything to get rolling, however, since I've just moved to Louisiana from Indiana and don't have a PCP down here. Gotta get all those records moved...fun fun fun.
I've always had the problems with my weight, for as long as I can remember. But I wouldn't even be considering surgery right now if my mom hadn't had it. She had gastric-bypass last year, and she's lost a lot of weight.
I never really had any related health problems with my weight til recently. I have serious back pains. I can't even stand up for more than 10 minutes without pain. I'm 19, and I can't stand up for long periods of time. That's pretty scary. I've always been monitored for diabetes, but as far as I know, I haven't pushed that line yet. Then again, I haven't been to the doctor since I started school last year. It's hard to keep up with doctors when you live 300 miles away...and now 1200. That's first on my list of things to do, especially since I keep diagnosing myself with some pretty scary stuff. I'm pretty much convinced that I have polycystic ovaries. We'll see with a gyno appointment, though, even though I have all the symptoms...
It's tough being 19 and facing my mortality. 19 year olds are supposed to think that they can live forever. Yet I don't know if I'll even make it to 30. And happiness? Forget about it. Especially being in Louisiana, so far away from all my friends...it's hard.
So, we'll see what happens. My hope is that I can get the surgery done by August, so that I can go back to school in Indiana. But with insurance problems and everything, I guess we'll see. I'm willing to withdraw from school for a semester to get this taken care of. That way, when I'm supposed to go to England for the semester next year, I can actually do it and enjoy it to the fullest.
Here's to a quick insurance approval. Cheers.
06.09.04
Got a call from the office and Gilsbar will cover, so I've got an appointment with the surgeon on the 23rd. It's a mad scramble now to get records collected to see if I'll be approved. Egads. I've got letters for the doctors back home to release records, so now it's in their hands.
I'm also freaking out because I'm convinced that I have PCOS. It would explain a hell of a lot. But it might mean infertility, which scares me. I don't really want to physically have kids, but to have the option taken away at 19 is shit. So, I'm going to stop putting off the inevitable and get a gyno appointment. It just surprises me that my doctors missed it back when I had bloodwork for the missed periods. Why didn't they check hormones? Oh well. It is a self-diagnosis...so I might be wrong. Oh god, I'm turning into my mother...the hypocondriac.
06.23.04
I had my consult with the surgeon today. My dad came with me since my mom couldn't. We had to wait quite a while, but the staff was really nice. My dad thought they were better than the staff at St Vincents in Indianapolis, where my mom had her surgery. We finally got to see Dr. French, and he wasn't very optimistic about getting it done and sending me away to college in Indiana, but he was still supportive of me pursuing it. He was a really nice guy.
So, I have a couple of options right now to deal with the logistics. I have to stay in school in order to stay on insurance, so dropping out for a semester isn't an option. What is an option, however, is staying down here for a semester. I would have to transfer, just for a semester, to LSU or Southeastern Louisiana State. Not exactly my dream, but I think I would be willing to do it. My other option is to wait til next summer, and have it right after I get back from Europe. I don't know if I want to wait that long. Especially since it would mean going to Europe at this weight, which honestly, I really don't want to do. So, I think I'm going to call the registars and my advisor at the University of Evansville and see if this is plausible, so that I can still go to Europe. I was really looking forward to next semester...my classes were great, and I was going to be roommates with a really good friend in one of the kickass rooms...but if this is what I have to do in order to get this surgery, then I think I will do it. My dad likes this idea...heh, it would save him some money from UE's overpriced tuition. I just have to make sure I don't lose scholarships.
So, there it is. I'm going to go ahead and start with pre-op testing. The Nurse Practicioner (am I even spelling that right?) thinks I have sleep apnea, so I have to have a sleep study. And apparently, I have adema...hell, I just thought my legs were fat. Oh well.
Oh yeah. The ranting earlier about PCOS? I might be right. Last week I had severe pains in my right side and some nausea. I thought it was appendicitis (after looking it up on the internet and diagnosing myself...I really must stop doing that). I woke my mom up in the middle of the night crying because I thought I was going to die, so she took me to the ER where they put me on nice drugs. They didn't think it was my appendix, so they sent me off for an ultrasound...very interesting experience. But they saw some cysts so they think one ruptured and that's what caused all the pain. I'm going to go to a gyno ASAP and get it really checked out. So here's to a diagnosis, eh?
06.28.04
I had my sleep study last night. Not exactly the most pleasant night of sleep, but I've had worse. The place was really nice, though. They just can't help that they have to cover my body with electrodes and make me sleep on my back...at least I didn't have to use the C-pap machine, which means I don't have sleep apnea. Wonderful.
Other than that, I'm just getting everything else set up to go ahead with the surgery this summer. I can work it out at UE and hopefully get enrolled at SELU for the semester, so it all looks good. I'm just trying to deal with probably not seeing a lot of my friends again, since I'll be in Europe in the spring and transferring after the end of the year. It's hard, especially since I just did it when I moved down here. I hate it. But I think to have the surgery is worth it. At least I hope it is.
07.09.04
I got a call from the sleep study center, and I have to go back for another one. I didn't get put on the C-pap machine during the night, but apparently when a specialist read my results, they said I needed to have one. So I'm going back to sleep with the C-pap all night. Let's just hope I actually sleep this time.
I went to the gynogologist earlier this week, and she does think I have PCOS. I'm going on birth control for a month, then going for a better ultrasound, ie, the really uncomfortable one, if you get what I mean.
I have an appointment with a psychologist finally on 07.14. They were great about getting me in quickly to take that test. Once they have the results, I'll go back and talk to her, so all looks good there. Just bloodwork then it's off to the insurance company.
Normal things have been hard lately. I'm really feeling the affects of my weight, more so than I think I ever have before. My back has been hurting so bad lately it's unreal. I can't stand up for more than a half hour without sharp pain. My knees have been hurting too. I went to dinner with a friend and my mom earlier this week and accidently bumped into someone's table, the the woman sitting there looked at me in horror and disgust. I wanted to die, but I just said sorry. And I'm almost kind of glad I don't have a job right now. I don't think I could handle even a 4 hour shift. I'm so used to being able to do all these things, even if it was at my own pace. But now I can't do them at all. I really need this surgery.
07.12.04
I had an appointment with Dr. Ron Eliosoff today. My surgeon, Dr. French, referred me to him to get clearance. He was incredibly smart and informed about everything. I get the impression that he is doing everything for WLS he can except perform surgeries. It was also interesting because he has some pretty strong opinions about weight that I think are dead on; basically that we are heavy not because we are lazy people, but because society has changed drastically from what our bodies are meant to do (store fat for times of , and it's just a matter of evolution catching up.
So I added the evolution part, but it makes sense, being blunt. The strong (with high metabolism) "survive" and the weak (obese with low metabolism) die early. I think PCOS kind of figures into that, since it's mostly an syndrome that goes along with obesity, causing infertility...ie, no passing on of "fat genes." I don't know what happens with men, but I think sperm counts are lowered...
Kind of dismal for us fat people, but at least we can beat it with WLS, eh?
Anyway, I'm going to have my bloodwork done tomorrow and call to get in for a chest x-ray and EKG, on Wednesday I go in to take that psych test (I sound like I'm back in Psych at school), and Thursday is the second sleep study. Sounds good to me. Except all the poking and proding and sitting in doctors' offices, but ya know.
I was talking to my mom today, and we got to talking about insurance and WLS. It really baffles me that so many won't pay, or you have to fight for them to pay, and that so many are changing to absolutely not pay. CIGNA and BC/BS are dropping like crazy in many states, and they are two of the largest healthcare providers. It really sickens me, actually. I mean, just look at this site and see the successes that so many people have had, the people who are happier now and off medications. But I guess that's not enough of a return for insurance companies' investments.
Anyway, I need to stop rambling. Here's to a doctor-filled week. Cheers.
07.15.04
Having blood drawn was traumatic. They had to draw about 8 of those huge vials. Couldn't find a vein in my arm after I told them my arm veins are impossible (told ya so), so they had to go from my hand. Painful and slow. Finally got it all, in one jab. I hadn't eaten for about 14 hours, so I floated out to the car and drank a full 20 ounces of OJ and sat dazed for 20 minutes.
The psych test sucked. It only took me an hour and a half, but I felt like I was back at the ACTs, minus the proctor yapping. The receptionist was really nice and said she'd hurry it along as much as possible, but it would probably take a week.
They called and rescheduled my SECOND freaking sleep study for Sunday instead of Thursday. It took 2 weeks to get the results the last time. Bah.
I got obsessive compulsive tonight and figured out that there are 39 days til school starts. 39 minus 14 days for recovery (dog willing) is 25. 25 days minus at least 7 for psych results is 18. 18 days to schedule surgery and get insurance approval.
I'm not sure this is going to work. And I'm panicking. I don't know where the hell I'm going to be in 40 days. I think if I have to miss a couple of days of school I won't be heartbroken, but too many and I get myself in a tight spot, especially at a new school.
I wonder if there's something I can do. I want to get this done NOW. There are rumors that Gilsbar won't be covering next year. If that happens, it's over for me. I'm mentally prepared for surgery right now. If I go another 5 months and have surgery over Xmas, who knows what will happen. And then I won't be able to go to Europe, which is really important to me.
I just don't know what to do. There's not much I can do except brood. I might call the surgeon's office tomorrow and see if I can get a tentative scheduled surgery for special circumstances pending insurance approval...who knows, it's worth a try. Better get my mom to do it; she has a better Important Voice.
07.16.04
Good news. I spoke with a Patient Advocate at the surgeon's office. She said that Gilsbar usually takes a week to approve, and that she's never experienced anything longer than 2 weeks!! She also said that the diagnosis of sleep apnea from my sleep study is enough and I don't have to wait for results from the second! And she was impressed with all the documentation from my medical records (easy to do when you visit the same doctor for 15+ years), especially the physician supervised diet program I did in high school (unsuccessfully, of course) (and a huge thank you goes out to my pediatrician for documenting my obesity and all her talks with me about it). SO...I'm just waiting for all my psych work, then it's off to insurance! That should be about a week!
I'm really happy right now. Just last night I felt like I was doomed, but now it's all looking really good. As long as I can get scheduled quickly for surgery, which is very possible since my surgeon's office has a quick turnover, then this is going to work!
My mom and I are flying up to Chicago next weekend, so I hope that I have my psych evaluation before then so that I go to Chicago and not feel like I have to panic and worry about everything...wouldn't it be wonderful if I had a date by then...
07.18.04
I had the second sleep study last night with the C-Pap. It was very uncomfortable, to say the least, and I spent at least half the night feeling like I was being choked. I think the technician turned down the force of air, and I finally fell asleep, but I don't think that's something I want to spend any more time with. Even if they say I need to have it, I'm going to wait until after I've lost some weight with the surgery. It's either waking up a couple of times a night just because, or waking up because I can't breathe and my nose hurts. I'll take just because.
I never even realized I had sleep apnea. I've never snored in my life, and no one who has been around me sleeping has said that I snore. I know sleep apnea is more than snoring, but still. I just thought I was a bad sleeper.
07.21.04
I'm so freaking worried right now. School starts in 32 days and silly me was hoping to have surgery before then, but nobody is moving quickly enough! I haven't even gone to the insurance company yet! I've done everything I can, but I don't know if it's going to work out this summer, and I don't know when else I can do it.
I've been planning for over a year to go to Europe in the spring for a semester, and dreaming of it long before then. It's been the pinnacle of my every hope, but now...frankly, if I don't have surgery, I'm not going to enjoy the trip at all--if I survive a 6 hour flight without bloodclots (drama queen....heh). Frankly, at this point, I'm worried about the trip my mom and I are making to Chicago this weekend...ever since she's had surgery, I can't keep up with her. And I don't think she quite understands how that hurts me, even though I'm so happy to see her out and moving.
But you know, I think I've kind of made a mini-decision in the meantime. If it doesn't get scheduled in time to go to school...then I'm still going to stay in LA, wait and have the surgery at least 2 weeks after school starts. That way I can get acquainted with the school and the professors so that it's not so hard to catch up. I'm a good student, and I'm not going to be taking very lecture oriented classes...and having surgery is a damn good excuse for missing class.
So I hope this keeps me from freaking out any more...and it might give me some more time to lose the pre-op weight. I also hope it flies with my parents...heh.
In other news...damn my back hurts today. Just went out for a little bit of shopping with my mom, and I can't believe the shooting pain. What have I become?
07.30.04
And the waiting game continues. I had my psych evaluation (finally) on Friday with Dr. Carol Self. She was really nice, though, and the evaluation didn't take much. She just went over the results of my MMPI or whatever it's called, telling me things I already know about myself. Amazing how all those oddball questions work, eh? I was out of there in 20 minutes. The whole thing cost $250, but I'm not sure if insurance is going to cover it or not. She said she'd have the written evaluation out by Monday. Great!
Been having other problems with insurance, so I don't know when this is all going to happen. Apparently they rejected all my claims from the last 2 months because they needed proof of enrollment in school. Wonderful. We got a bursar's note from UE and faxed it over, but who the hell knows how long that's all going to take to work out.
Chicago was a lot of fun, except not being able to walk long. Kinda sad. My brother (who lives there) has never been very understanding about weight issues, but I think over the last few years with my mom having WLS and my problems getting worse, he really supports my decision to have surgery. He was helping to brainstorm ideas how to make it all work this summer/fall. Nicest he's ever been to me.
08.05.04
So, since nothing is EVER stable and predictable in my life...looks like I'm going back to Evansville in 2 and a half weeks. I won't be having surgery til winter break. I don't even know if I'm going to be coming back to Louisiana. My dad might have a job up in Ohio, which is, you know, great, but stressful for me. If he takes the job, then I'll probably have surgery in Indianapolis, which is halfway between Ohio and Evansville, but still over winter break.
It's not so bad. I was getting pretty depressed about not being back with my friends in Evansville. But still, I really want to have this surgery. I'm miserable. And with all that has happened...there's no way I'll be able to go to Europe in the spring. I've been looking forward to that for at least 2 years. But I might be able to go in the summer. Not the same, but still fun. This does make transferring a lot easier, though. I've actually been looking at a school in Canada. CHEAP tuition. Good university with a program I'm really interested in and isn't very common in the US unless you go to Harvard or UPENN (African studies). We'll see, though.
Don't expect too much updating for a while. I'll be busy with school and whatnot. Hopefully once I find out if my dad takes the job, I can get a surgery date in December. Woohoo.
08.06.04
Well, okay, so maybe you will see another entry.
I am officially approved by insurance. It only took ONE DAY. Nicki, my patient advocate at Surgical Specialists sent it out yesterday and called me this afternoon with a response! I was impressed. Nicki is amazing. She's been a lot of help and is definitely my advocate!
Nicki also called yesterday morning and asked about the possibility of getting insurance to cover even if I'm not in school...IE, take the semester off.
I'm wary about that. I really do want to go back to school. I don't want to get any more behind than necessary, since I am going to be transferring after this year. I also really miss my friends. But I'm willing to look at this as an option. I'm just not sure I'm going to take it. We'll have to see what Nicki finds out.
08.11.04
I still don't know what's going on. I can have surgery now or in 4 months. Insurance will most likely cover if I take the semester off, but we have to get a form sent off ASAP. School starts in less than 2 weeks and we don't really know if I'm going back. I really really want to, but I really want to have surgery over with. The hope is if I have it now I can still go to Europe, just be a thrift shop hound. Who knows what's going to happen, though.
I went to my PCP on Monday. He's the medical head of the Surgical Specialists, and wants me to have it now. He also prescribed some pain meds (ultram) for my back...but a couple hours after taking them, my stomach decided not to cooperate and violently got rid of them. I've had the same problem with lortab and a few years ago, excredrin pissed my stomach off big time. Pain meds and I don't get along very well. Here's hoping I don't need them much post op.
08.14.04
I AM going to stay home and have the surgery now. As much as I wanted to go to school...I know it's best to do it this way. I think I knew it all along, I just didn't want to give up school. I'm really going to miss it, but I plan on doing a lot of reading and whatnot anyway, to keep my mind active.
But anyway, I had my chest XRAY and EKG on Friday for clearance for anesthia. In the waiting room...for some reason I started freaking out about being awake but paralyzed during surgery. Everyone always tells me that they were out during their upper GI, which I had a few years ago...but I was wide awake and aware of what was going on, just without motor functions. I'm sure I'll have a chance to talk to my anesthiologist and to express concern...but I'm still freaking out about it.
After my CXR and EKG, my mom and I went to the surgeon's office to drop off the "disability" form to Nicki, my patient advocate, and ended up actually meeting her in their little hole in the wall. She was so nice. Apparently she had surgery too; it seems like she's really excited for me, maybe more than me. She got me into a pre-op class on Monday morning for all the info I'll need, and my BEFORE photos! I have a feeling she weaseled me into that before having a surgery date, but I'll have a date before the end of the week, for within 2 or 3 weeks. Yay.
In other news...when I went to my PCP's office earlier this week, I got weighed...different scale, I know, but I gained 6 lbs since my initial consult...6 lbs in one month. I'm thinking of going on a liquid type diet once I get a date...even without doctor's orders. I'm just not sure I'll be able to do it. But I don't want to go into surgery at my highest weight...so I want to lose weight somehow. I'm really bad at dieting, though...exceptionally bad. I have no willpower, which is something I'm concerned about afterwards...but I suppose once I get sick, I won't do it again. Eck.
08.17.04
so, I have about 200 lbs to lose. Ultimately, I want to be in the normal weight category, maybe slightly overweight without PS. No problem.
But I want to be able to live like a relatively normal person. I don't want to be obsessed about every piece of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to dump.
You know, it's like this...I'm only 19. I still have a lot of living left to do. LOTS. And I don't want to be obese, but nor do I want to be incredibly restricted with what I eat, so that say, in the middle of Africa, I'm not not eating because I throw everything up or dump. You know?
I know that with RNY a lot of people can eat most things...but many can't, and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. 5, 10 years from now, I don't want to have to revise anything because I'm gaining back weight.
So, I think I might talk to my surgeon about DS. There's a surgeon in his practice that does it laproscopically...and how hard are they to come by? I have this great opportunity...if insurance covers it, then why not?
Right?
08.19.04
Because nothing can EVER be simple in my life...it looks like I'm going to school and surgery is going to be put off for at least 4 months. My dad, who had originally turned down the job in Ohio, changed his mind and now isn't quite sure. I don't blame him at all. I'm fine with his decision, whatever it may be. The job in Ohio is in his hometown, where all his family is. But if he takes it, I can't have surgery here or now, under this insurance. Our other insurance denied me, so that was out of the question.
I was SO close. They called on Tuesday to schedule for August 31st. At that point, I turned it down because we weren't sure, and I didn't want to take up resources. I told the scheduler I'd call her when we knew the situation 100%.
I still don't know the situation 100%. I still don't know if I'm actually going to school in 3 days.
Ok, well then, I just talked to my mom and it is pretty for sure. My dad made an offer. I'm going to school. I won't be having surgery right now. Egads. Nothing is simple in my life. Nothing.
08.26.04
I'm back at school now, all moved in and all that good stuff. It's going to be a rough semester, academically and emotionally. This summer was really rough on me and just changed me completely, and I don't think for the better. I don't want to be here (but I do...). Not like this at least. I just don't think I'm going to be happy. I used to accept myself as fat, but now that I know that I can be another way, I can't accept myself like this.
But in the meantime, I'm determined to lose weight. I've been eating at most 1000 calories a day, and working out every other day. Add that in to all the walking I do around campus...and I'm extremely active compared to this summer. The fitness training program here is offering free trainers, so I might take advantage of that. I'm not allowing myself to pig out on the crap choices offered here. I have a bunch of junk food in my room but I haven't even opened any of it. If I get a craving, sticking my finger in the jar of Nutella fixes it. I think the anti-depressant my PCP put me on is decreasing my appetite, though, which is good...
I'm getting kind of concerned about eating in general though. I get anxious when I have to eat. I don't want to. I have to convince myself to eat, not something I ever had to do before. Hunger is comforting. I guess I don't really feel it too often, so maybe that's why it's comforting. Just to know that it exists. But I don't know. It's strange. I just don't want to eat. I know that you can't starve yourself because of metabolic rates and everything, but...I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't eat for so long that when I finally do, I'm shaking from low blood sugar. It takes me a lot to get to eat, though. My roommate has been concerned because I don't go to dinner or lunch or anything and she doesn't find any food wrappings.
Maybe it's just the stress of being back in school and everything. But a fat anorexic, is it possible?
09.09.04
Well, things have finally settled down with everything. I'm back into my school patterns, eating fine, down 5 lbs, and am calling Nicki tomorrow to schedule a surgery date for December. My dad didn't take the job, so they're not moving. I don't know if I'll be back to school in January or not...we'll have to see. But it's nice to finally know what the hell is going on.
10.19.04
Yes, I'm still alive...and I finally have a surgery date. December 15th, 2004. FINALLY. My god what a trip it's been just to get to this point. So many second thoughts, so many trials, so many decisions to make...but it's coming. In 2 months I'll be post-op. Wow. Who would have thought? I had almost convinced myself that it wouldn't happen.
Things have been busy at school, and a lot has happened in the past two months...a lot of good stuff. I think I've finally become comfortable with who...and what...I am. I've realized that people can love me no matter what I look like, and that I really do have a lot going for me in all aspects of my life, and I can be successful and influential. I have a lot more self confidence right now than I ever have before.
12.13.04
Two days til surgery. My friends and I had a huge party Friday night...we called it Lauren's Pre-Wake. My friends have been great about all of this...I was really nervous about telling anyone, but they've all been really awesome and supportive.
I got to LA from Indiana last night at 12:30AM and then I met with Dr French and was pre-admitted to the hospital today. I actually lost 22 pounds, I was impressed with myself.
I'm a lot less nervous than I thought I would be. I think I've just been so busy lately that I haven't had time to think about it, which has probably been a good thing, cause I tend to dwell. I'll freak out the morning of, I know I will.
I stop eating at midnight...scary.
12/18/04
I survived! Everything went as was expected. I was in the hospital from Wednesday morning until Saturday morning. I've got six nice little holes in my belly and I'm covered in bruises from the heparin shots, but otherwise, things went well. More to say later when I don't feel like falling over...will the hiccuping ever stop?
1.6.04
Well, I'm three weeks out now. I "celebrated" my 20th birthday on the 20th, completely miserable. But I'm 20 now, and down at least 20 pounds. It's been rough. Not as rough as it could be, but I'm fighting constant nausea and it's gotten really old. I get sick when I eat pudding or milk, so I'm assuming I'm lactose intolerant now. My diet isn't really varied, because I'm afraid of trying things for fear of getting sick. I've gone lots of times without eating because it's better than feeling sick. I know that's not good, but the nausea is too much. Even drinking water brings twangs of nausea, so I'm having difficulties
It's really not as bad as I make it out to be. I'm functioning pretty well. I still get tired easily, but I can do everything I'm used to doing. My parents are impressed that I had major surgery, and 2 weeks later I was walking all day in the French Quarter.
I know it's going to get better. I don't really regret it, but I wish it had never come to this point. I wish I had never eaten my way to 360 lbs. I wish my body wasn't predisposed to obesity. I just wish I was normal. I'd hoped that getting a few pounds off would help with my back pain, but it really hasn't. I'm 37 lbs from where I was this summer, and still fighting my back.
I'm heading back to school tomorrow and I couldn't be happier to. I think part of my current unhappiness has been missing my friends so much, just like over the summer. This place...it's like a huge blackhole of timewasting and boredom and loneliness. It'll just be hard to be at school and not eat like I used to, not be able to socialize like I used to. I'm going to my first party sober on Saturday...that'll definitely be interesting. Me, the one who'll remember what everyone else did in their drunkeness, rather than the one making everyone else laugh. Oh well. I'll just have to adjust. Life is definitely going to be interesting from now on.
03.28.05
Yes, I've neglected this, I apologize.
First off, the interesting data you all are dieing for.
Starting Weight (June 04): 356
Weight At Surgery (Dec 04): 332
Current Weight (April 05): 265
Down to a size 18 from a size 28 originally.
Yep. It's harder in some aspects than I thought it would be...but also easier in many aspects than I thought it would be.
I tolerate more or less EVERY thing, which has gotten me in a little bit of trouble lately. But I have to learn how I'll coexist with Esmerelda (my pouch). She's been feeling very hungry lately, no matter what I do. It's a bit irritating. It just seems like my stomach empties on a dime.
Exercise is much easier, and I find myself really enjoying it. I don't do it nearly enough, but when I do do it...I go all out, and give it all I've got. Now if only I could do that in getting to the gym...
Emotions have been a veritable rollercoaster. Been through some pretty tough things without the surgery added in...and adding in the surgery when I did probably wasn't a good idea. But I think a few bad months will give me a great rest of my life...until the next crisis comes along.
If anyone wants to talk, that wouldn't be turned down. :) My AIM screen name is seasicksquid.
Til next time.
07.09.05
Current weight: 235lbs
It's hard to believe that it's been over a year long, this journey. I'm almost 7 months out right now, and I can't believe the changes. It's been rough. I even had a "What the hell was I thinking" moment a few days ago. Plateaus are not fun. I was stuck on one for quite a while, my own fault, I think. But I'm getting back on track. I've decided that by spring, I want to be able to run a triathlon. Ok, a mini triathlon. 2.5 miles running, .25 mile swimming, and 10 miles biking. So I'm going to start training now. I need the focus.
I can handle everything. And I mean everything. Including lots of sugar. It's annoying, and I wish my pouch was more picky, because I abuse my abilities. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a cure, it's a tool, and I've gotten this far...I need to keep using my tool.
My energy levels have been low, but I'm suspecting it's because my iron is low. I also think some of my B vitamin levels are low as well, because I've gotten really dark rings under my eyes. I got bloodwork done on Friday, so I'll know for sure soon, and have a solution from my surgeon. I suspect horse pills and B-12 shots are in my future. But that's okay. Whatever it takes to make me feel like I should feel.
Life has gotten better too. I was fighting a lot of difficult stuff earlier in the year, but things are stabilizing. I've completely stopped doing the things that were getting me in trouble, and I've met a great guy who accepts me as I am, and I've realized how important that is. So all in all...not too bad. I'm glad I did it.
And here's a relatively recent picture with my brothers...who I now officially weigh less than now.
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Warning: I do use this as a journal-type place to vent about anything and everything.
06.05.04 - I went to a seminar with Surgical Specialists of Louisiana last week and they seemed like a safe program. I'm currently awaiting a call for an initial visit. It might take a while for everything to get rolling, however, since I've just moved to Louisiana from Indiana and don't have a PCP down here. Gotta get all those records moved...fun fun fun.
I've always had the problems with my weight, for as long as I can remember. But I wouldn't even be considering surgery right now if my mom hadn't had it. She had gastric-bypass last year, and she's lost a lot of weight.
I never really had any related health problems with my weight til recently. I have serious back pains. I can't even stand up for more than 10 minutes without pain. I'm 19, and I can't stand up for long periods of time. That's pretty scary. I've always been monitored for diabetes, but as far as I know, I haven't pushed that line yet. Then again, I haven't been to the doctor since I started school last year. It's hard to keep up with doctors when you live 300 miles away...and now 1200. That's first on my list of things to do, especially since I keep diagnosing myself with some pretty scary stuff. I'm pretty much convinced that I have polycystic ovaries. We'll see with a gyno appointment, though, even though I have all the symptoms...
It's tough being 19 and facing my mortality. 19 year olds are supposed to think that they can live forever. Yet I don't know if I'll even make it to 30. And happiness? Forget about it. Especially being in Louisiana, so far away from all my friends...it's hard.
So, we'll see what happens. My hope is that I can get the surgery done by August, so that I can go back to school in Indiana. But with insurance problems and everything, I guess we'll see. I'm willing to withdraw from school for a semester to get this taken care of. That way, when I'm supposed to go to England for the semester next year, I can actually do it and enjoy it to the fullest.
Here's to a quick insurance approval. Cheers.
06.09.04
Got a call from the office and Gilsbar will cover, so I've got an appointment with the surgeon on the 23rd. It's a mad scramble now to get records collected to see if I'll be approved. Egads. I've got letters for the doctors back home to release records, so now it's in their hands.
I'm also freaking out because I'm convinced that I have PCOS. It would explain a hell of a lot. But it might mean infertility, which scares me. I don't really want to physically have kids, but to have the option taken away at 19 is shit. So, I'm going to stop putting off the inevitable and get a gyno appointment. It just surprises me that my doctors missed it back when I had bloodwork for the missed periods. Why didn't they check hormones? Oh well. It is a self-diagnosis...so I might be wrong. Oh god, I'm turning into my mother...the hypocondriac.
06.23.04
I had my consult with the surgeon today. My dad came with me since my mom couldn't. We had to wait quite a while, but the staff was really nice. My dad thought they were better than the staff at St Vincents in Indianapolis, where my mom had her surgery. We finally got to see Dr. French, and he wasn't very optimistic about getting it done and sending me away to college in Indiana, but he was still supportive of me pursuing it. He was a really nice guy.
So, I have a couple of options right now to deal with the logistics. I have to stay in school in order to stay on insurance, so dropping out for a semester isn't an option. What is an option, however, is staying down here for a semester. I would have to transfer, just for a semester, to LSU or Southeastern Louisiana State. Not exactly my dream, but I think I would be willing to do it. My other option is to wait til next summer, and have it right after I get back from Europe. I don't know if I want to wait that long. Especially since it would mean going to Europe at this weight, which honestly, I really don't want to do. So, I think I'm going to call the registars and my advisor at the University of Evansville and see if this is plausible, so that I can still go to Europe. I was really looking forward to next semester...my classes were great, and I was going to be roommates with a really good friend in one of the kickass rooms...but if this is what I have to do in order to get this surgery, then I think I will do it. My dad likes this idea...heh, it would save him some money from UE's overpriced tuition. I just have to make sure I don't lose scholarships.
So, there it is. I'm going to go ahead and start with pre-op testing. The Nurse Practicioner (am I even spelling that right?) thinks I have sleep apnea, so I have to have a sleep study. And apparently, I have adema...hell, I just thought my legs were fat. Oh well.
Oh yeah. The ranting earlier about PCOS? I might be right. Last week I had severe pains in my right side and some nausea. I thought it was appendicitis (after looking it up on the internet and diagnosing myself...I really must stop doing that). I woke my mom up in the middle of the night crying because I thought I was going to die, so she took me to the ER where they put me on nice drugs. They didn't think it was my appendix, so they sent me off for an ultrasound...very interesting experience. But they saw some cysts so they think one ruptured and that's what caused all the pain. I'm going to go to a gyno ASAP and get it really checked out. So here's to a diagnosis, eh?
06.28.04
I had my sleep study last night. Not exactly the most pleasant night of sleep, but I've had worse. The place was really nice, though. They just can't help that they have to cover my body with electrodes and make me sleep on my back...at least I didn't have to use the C-pap machine, which means I don't have sleep apnea. Wonderful.
Other than that, I'm just getting everything else set up to go ahead with the surgery this summer. I can work it out at UE and hopefully get enrolled at SELU for the semester, so it all looks good. I'm just trying to deal with probably not seeing a lot of my friends again, since I'll be in Europe in the spring and transferring after the end of the year. It's hard, especially since I just did it when I moved down here. I hate it. But I think to have the surgery is worth it. At least I hope it is.
07.09.04
I got a call from the sleep study center, and I have to go back for another one. I didn't get put on the C-pap machine during the night, but apparently when a specialist read my results, they said I needed to have one. So I'm going back to sleep with the C-pap all night. Let's just hope I actually sleep this time.
I went to the gynogologist earlier this week, and she does think I have PCOS. I'm going on birth control for a month, then going for a better ultrasound, ie, the really uncomfortable one, if you get what I mean.
I have an appointment with a psychologist finally on 07.14. They were great about getting me in quickly to take that test. Once they have the results, I'll go back and talk to her, so all looks good there. Just bloodwork then it's off to the insurance company.
Normal things have been hard lately. I'm really feeling the affects of my weight, more so than I think I ever have before. My back has been hurting so bad lately it's unreal. I can't stand up for more than a half hour without sharp pain. My knees have been hurting too. I went to dinner with a friend and my mom earlier this week and accidently bumped into someone's table, the the woman sitting there looked at me in horror and disgust. I wanted to die, but I just said sorry. And I'm almost kind of glad I don't have a job right now. I don't think I could handle even a 4 hour shift. I'm so used to being able to do all these things, even if it was at my own pace. But now I can't do them at all. I really need this surgery.
07.12.04
I had an appointment with Dr. Ron Eliosoff today. My surgeon, Dr. French, referred me to him to get clearance. He was incredibly smart and informed about everything. I get the impression that he is doing everything for WLS he can except perform surgeries. It was also interesting because he has some pretty strong opinions about weight that I think are dead on; basically that we are heavy not because we are lazy people, but because society has changed drastically from what our bodies are meant to do (store fat for times of , and it's just a matter of evolution catching up.
So I added the evolution part, but it makes sense, being blunt. The strong (with high metabolism) "survive" and the weak (obese with low metabolism) die early. I think PCOS kind of figures into that, since it's mostly an syndrome that goes along with obesity, causing infertility...ie, no passing on of "fat genes." I don't know what happens with men, but I think sperm counts are lowered...
Kind of dismal for us fat people, but at least we can beat it with WLS, eh?
Anyway, I'm going to have my bloodwork done tomorrow and call to get in for a chest x-ray and EKG, on Wednesday I go in to take that psych test (I sound like I'm back in Psych at school), and Thursday is the second sleep study. Sounds good to me. Except all the poking and proding and sitting in doctors' offices, but ya know.
I was talking to my mom today, and we got to talking about insurance and WLS. It really baffles me that so many won't pay, or you have to fight for them to pay, and that so many are changing to absolutely not pay. CIGNA and BC/BS are dropping like crazy in many states, and they are two of the largest healthcare providers. It really sickens me, actually. I mean, just look at this site and see the successes that so many people have had, the people who are happier now and off medications. But I guess that's not enough of a return for insurance companies' investments.
Anyway, I need to stop rambling. Here's to a doctor-filled week. Cheers.
07.15.04
Having blood drawn was traumatic. They had to draw about 8 of those huge vials. Couldn't find a vein in my arm after I told them my arm veins are impossible (told ya so), so they had to go from my hand. Painful and slow. Finally got it all, in one jab. I hadn't eaten for about 14 hours, so I floated out to the car and drank a full 20 ounces of OJ and sat dazed for 20 minutes.
The psych test sucked. It only took me an hour and a half, but I felt like I was back at the ACTs, minus the proctor yapping. The receptionist was really nice and said she'd hurry it along as much as possible, but it would probably take a week.
They called and rescheduled my SECOND freaking sleep study for Sunday instead of Thursday. It took 2 weeks to get the results the last time. Bah.
I got obsessive compulsive tonight and figured out that there are 39 days til school starts. 39 minus 14 days for recovery (dog willing) is 25. 25 days minus at least 7 for psych results is 18. 18 days to schedule surgery and get insurance approval.
I'm not sure this is going to work. And I'm panicking. I don't know where the hell I'm going to be in 40 days. I think if I have to miss a couple of days of school I won't be heartbroken, but too many and I get myself in a tight spot, especially at a new school.
I wonder if there's something I can do. I want to get this done NOW. There are rumors that Gilsbar won't be covering next year. If that happens, it's over for me. I'm mentally prepared for surgery right now. If I go another 5 months and have surgery over Xmas, who knows what will happen. And then I won't be able to go to Europe, which is really important to me.
I just don't know what to do. There's not much I can do except brood. I might call the surgeon's office tomorrow and see if I can get a tentative scheduled surgery for special circumstances pending insurance approval...who knows, it's worth a try. Better get my mom to do it; she has a better Important Voice.
07.16.04
Good news. I spoke with a Patient Advocate at the surgeon's office. She said that Gilsbar usually takes a week to approve, and that she's never experienced anything longer than 2 weeks!! She also said that the diagnosis of sleep apnea from my sleep study is enough and I don't have to wait for results from the second! And she was impressed with all the documentation from my medical records (easy to do when you visit the same doctor for 15+ years), especially the physician supervised diet program I did in high school (unsuccessfully, of course) (and a huge thank you goes out to my pediatrician for documenting my obesity and all her talks with me about it). SO...I'm just waiting for all my psych work, then it's off to insurance! That should be about a week!
I'm really happy right now. Just last night I felt like I was doomed, but now it's all looking really good. As long as I can get scheduled quickly for surgery, which is very possible since my surgeon's office has a quick turnover, then this is going to work!
My mom and I are flying up to Chicago next weekend, so I hope that I have my psych evaluation before then so that I go to Chicago and not feel like I have to panic and worry about everything...wouldn't it be wonderful if I had a date by then...
07.18.04
I had the second sleep study last night with the C-Pap. It was very uncomfortable, to say the least, and I spent at least half the night feeling like I was being choked. I think the technician turned down the force of air, and I finally fell asleep, but I don't think that's something I want to spend any more time with. Even if they say I need to have it, I'm going to wait until after I've lost some weight with the surgery. It's either waking up a couple of times a night just because, or waking up because I can't breathe and my nose hurts. I'll take just because.
I never even realized I had sleep apnea. I've never snored in my life, and no one who has been around me sleeping has said that I snore. I know sleep apnea is more than snoring, but still. I just thought I was a bad sleeper.
07.21.04
I'm so freaking worried right now. School starts in 32 days and silly me was hoping to have surgery before then, but nobody is moving quickly enough! I haven't even gone to the insurance company yet! I've done everything I can, but I don't know if it's going to work out this summer, and I don't know when else I can do it.
I've been planning for over a year to go to Europe in the spring for a semester, and dreaming of it long before then. It's been the pinnacle of my every hope, but now...frankly, if I don't have surgery, I'm not going to enjoy the trip at all--if I survive a 6 hour flight without bloodclots (drama queen....heh). Frankly, at this point, I'm worried about the trip my mom and I are making to Chicago this weekend...ever since she's had surgery, I can't keep up with her. And I don't think she quite understands how that hurts me, even though I'm so happy to see her out and moving.
But you know, I think I've kind of made a mini-decision in the meantime. If it doesn't get scheduled in time to go to school...then I'm still going to stay in LA, wait and have the surgery at least 2 weeks after school starts. That way I can get acquainted with the school and the professors so that it's not so hard to catch up. I'm a good student, and I'm not going to be taking very lecture oriented classes...and having surgery is a damn good excuse for missing class.
So I hope this keeps me from freaking out any more...and it might give me some more time to lose the pre-op weight. I also hope it flies with my parents...heh.
In other news...damn my back hurts today. Just went out for a little bit of shopping with my mom, and I can't believe the shooting pain. What have I become?
07.30.04
And the waiting game continues. I had my psych evaluation (finally) on Friday with Dr. Carol Self. She was really nice, though, and the evaluation didn't take much. She just went over the results of my MMPI or whatever it's called, telling me things I already know about myself. Amazing how all those oddball questions work, eh? I was out of there in 20 minutes. The whole thing cost $250, but I'm not sure if insurance is going to cover it or not. She said she'd have the written evaluation out by Monday. Great!
Been having other problems with insurance, so I don't know when this is all going to happen. Apparently they rejected all my claims from the last 2 months because they needed proof of enrollment in school. Wonderful. We got a bursar's note from UE and faxed it over, but who the hell knows how long that's all going to take to work out.
Chicago was a lot of fun, except not being able to walk long. Kinda sad. My brother (who lives there) has never been very understanding about weight issues, but I think over the last few years with my mom having WLS and my problems getting worse, he really supports my decision to have surgery. He was helping to brainstorm ideas how to make it all work this summer/fall. Nicest he's ever been to me.
08.05.04
So, since nothing is EVER stable and predictable in my life...looks like I'm going back to Evansville in 2 and a half weeks. I won't be having surgery til winter break. I don't even know if I'm going to be coming back to Louisiana. My dad might have a job up in Ohio, which is, you know, great, but stressful for me. If he takes the job, then I'll probably have surgery in Indianapolis, which is halfway between Ohio and Evansville, but still over winter break.
It's not so bad. I was getting pretty depressed about not being back with my friends in Evansville. But still, I really want to have this surgery. I'm miserable. And with all that has happened...there's no way I'll be able to go to Europe in the spring. I've been looking forward to that for at least 2 years. But I might be able to go in the summer. Not the same, but still fun. This does make transferring a lot easier, though. I've actually been looking at a school in Canada. CHEAP tuition. Good university with a program I'm really interested in and isn't very common in the US unless you go to Harvard or UPENN (African studies). We'll see, though.
Don't expect too much updating for a while. I'll be busy with school and whatnot. Hopefully once I find out if my dad takes the job, I can get a surgery date in December. Woohoo.
08.06.04
Well, okay, so maybe you will see another entry.
I am officially approved by insurance. It only took ONE DAY. Nicki, my patient advocate at Surgical Specialists sent it out yesterday and called me this afternoon with a response! I was impressed. Nicki is amazing. She's been a lot of help and is definitely my advocate!
Nicki also called yesterday morning and asked about the possibility of getting insurance to cover even if I'm not in school...IE, take the semester off.
I'm wary about that. I really do want to go back to school. I don't want to get any more behind than necessary, since I am going to be transferring after this year. I also really miss my friends. But I'm willing to look at this as an option. I'm just not sure I'm going to take it. We'll have to see what Nicki finds out.
08.11.04
I still don't know what's going on. I can have surgery now or in 4 months. Insurance will most likely cover if I take the semester off, but we have to get a form sent off ASAP. School starts in less than 2 weeks and we don't really know if I'm going back. I really really want to, but I really want to have surgery over with. The hope is if I have it now I can still go to Europe, just be a thrift shop hound. Who knows what's going to happen, though.
I went to my PCP on Monday. He's the medical head of the Surgical Specialists, and wants me to have it now. He also prescribed some pain meds (ultram) for my back...but a couple hours after taking them, my stomach decided not to cooperate and violently got rid of them. I've had the same problem with lortab and a few years ago, excredrin pissed my stomach off big time. Pain meds and I don't get along very well. Here's hoping I don't need them much post op.
08.14.04
I AM going to stay home and have the surgery now. As much as I wanted to go to school...I know it's best to do it this way. I think I knew it all along, I just didn't want to give up school. I'm really going to miss it, but I plan on doing a lot of reading and whatnot anyway, to keep my mind active.
But anyway, I had my chest XRAY and EKG on Friday for clearance for anesthia. In the waiting room...for some reason I started freaking out about being awake but paralyzed during surgery. Everyone always tells me that they were out during their upper GI, which I had a few years ago...but I was wide awake and aware of what was going on, just without motor functions. I'm sure I'll have a chance to talk to my anesthiologist and to express concern...but I'm still freaking out about it.
After my CXR and EKG, my mom and I went to the surgeon's office to drop off the "disability" form to Nicki, my patient advocate, and ended up actually meeting her in their little hole in the wall. She was so nice. Apparently she had surgery too; it seems like she's really excited for me, maybe more than me. She got me into a pre-op class on Monday morning for all the info I'll need, and my BEFORE photos! I have a feeling she weaseled me into that before having a surgery date, but I'll have a date before the end of the week, for within 2 or 3 weeks. Yay.
In other news...when I went to my PCP's office earlier this week, I got weighed...different scale, I know, but I gained 6 lbs since my initial consult...6 lbs in one month. I'm thinking of going on a liquid type diet once I get a date...even without doctor's orders. I'm just not sure I'll be able to do it. But I don't want to go into surgery at my highest weight...so I want to lose weight somehow. I'm really bad at dieting, though...exceptionally bad. I have no willpower, which is something I'm concerned about afterwards...but I suppose once I get sick, I won't do it again. Eck.
08.17.04
so, I have about 200 lbs to lose. Ultimately, I want to be in the normal weight category, maybe slightly overweight without PS. No problem.
But I want to be able to live like a relatively normal person. I don't want to be obsessed about every piece of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to dump.
You know, it's like this...I'm only 19. I still have a lot of living left to do. LOTS. And I don't want to be obese, but nor do I want to be incredibly restricted with what I eat, so that say, in the middle of Africa, I'm not not eating because I throw everything up or dump. You know?
I know that with RNY a lot of people can eat most things...but many can't, and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. 5, 10 years from now, I don't want to have to revise anything because I'm gaining back weight.
So, I think I might talk to my surgeon about DS. There's a surgeon in his practice that does it laproscopically...and how hard are they to come by? I have this great opportunity...if insurance covers it, then why not?
Right?
08.19.04
Because nothing can EVER be simple in my life...it looks like I'm going to school and surgery is going to be put off for at least 4 months. My dad, who had originally turned down the job in Ohio, changed his mind and now isn't quite sure. I don't blame him at all. I'm fine with his decision, whatever it may be. The job in Ohio is in his hometown, where all his family is. But if he takes it, I can't have surgery here or now, under this insurance. Our other insurance denied me, so that was out of the question.
I was SO close. They called on Tuesday to schedule for August 31st. At that point, I turned it down because we weren't sure, and I didn't want to take up resources. I told the scheduler I'd call her when we knew the situation 100%.
I still don't know the situation 100%. I still don't know if I'm actually going to school in 3 days.
Ok, well then, I just talked to my mom and it is pretty for sure. My dad made an offer. I'm going to school. I won't be having surgery right now. Egads. Nothing is simple in my life. Nothing.
08.26.04
I'm back at school now, all moved in and all that good stuff. It's going to be a rough semester, academically and emotionally. This summer was really rough on me and just changed me completely, and I don't think for the better. I don't want to be here (but I do...). Not like this at least. I just don't think I'm going to be happy. I used to accept myself as fat, but now that I know that I can be another way, I can't accept myself like this.
But in the meantime, I'm determined to lose weight. I've been eating at most 1000 calories a day, and working out every other day. Add that in to all the walking I do around campus...and I'm extremely active compared to this summer. The fitness training program here is offering free trainers, so I might take advantage of that. I'm not allowing myself to pig out on the crap choices offered here. I have a bunch of junk food in my room but I haven't even opened any of it. If I get a craving, sticking my finger in the jar of Nutella fixes it. I think the anti-depressant my PCP put me on is decreasing my appetite, though, which is good...
I'm getting kind of concerned about eating in general though. I get anxious when I have to eat. I don't want to. I have to convince myself to eat, not something I ever had to do before. Hunger is comforting. I guess I don't really feel it too often, so maybe that's why it's comforting. Just to know that it exists. But I don't know. It's strange. I just don't want to eat. I know that you can't starve yourself because of metabolic rates and everything, but...I don't even know what I'm talking about. I don't eat for so long that when I finally do, I'm shaking from low blood sugar. It takes me a lot to get to eat, though. My roommate has been concerned because I don't go to dinner or lunch or anything and she doesn't find any food wrappings.
Maybe it's just the stress of being back in school and everything. But a fat anorexic, is it possible?
09.09.04
Well, things have finally settled down with everything. I'm back into my school patterns, eating fine, down 5 lbs, and am calling Nicki tomorrow to schedule a surgery date for December. My dad didn't take the job, so they're not moving. I don't know if I'll be back to school in January or not...we'll have to see. But it's nice to finally know what the hell is going on.
10.19.04
Yes, I'm still alive...and I finally have a surgery date. December 15th, 2004. FINALLY. My god what a trip it's been just to get to this point. So many second thoughts, so many trials, so many decisions to make...but it's coming. In 2 months I'll be post-op. Wow. Who would have thought? I had almost convinced myself that it wouldn't happen.
Things have been busy at school, and a lot has happened in the past two months...a lot of good stuff. I think I've finally become comfortable with who...and what...I am. I've realized that people can love me no matter what I look like, and that I really do have a lot going for me in all aspects of my life, and I can be successful and influential. I have a lot more self confidence right now than I ever have before.
12.13.04
Two days til surgery. My friends and I had a huge party Friday night...we called it Lauren's Pre-Wake. My friends have been great about all of this...I was really nervous about telling anyone, but they've all been really awesome and supportive.
I got to LA from Indiana last night at 12:30AM and then I met with Dr French and was pre-admitted to the hospital today. I actually lost 22 pounds, I was impressed with myself.
I'm a lot less nervous than I thought I would be. I think I've just been so busy lately that I haven't had time to think about it, which has probably been a good thing, cause I tend to dwell. I'll freak out the morning of, I know I will.
I stop eating at midnight...scary.
12/18/04
I survived! Everything went as was expected. I was in the hospital from Wednesday morning until Saturday morning. I've got six nice little holes in my belly and I'm covered in bruises from the heparin shots, but otherwise, things went well. More to say later when I don't feel like falling over...will the hiccuping ever stop?
1.6.04
Well, I'm three weeks out now. I "celebrated" my 20th birthday on the 20th, completely miserable. But I'm 20 now, and down at least 20 pounds. It's been rough. Not as rough as it could be, but I'm fighting constant nausea and it's gotten really old. I get sick when I eat pudding or milk, so I'm assuming I'm lactose intolerant now. My diet isn't really varied, because I'm afraid of trying things for fear of getting sick. I've gone lots of times without eating because it's better than feeling sick. I know that's not good, but the nausea is too much. Even drinking water brings twangs of nausea, so I'm having difficulties
It's really not as bad as I make it out to be. I'm functioning pretty well. I still get tired easily, but I can do everything I'm used to doing. My parents are impressed that I had major surgery, and 2 weeks later I was walking all day in the French Quarter.
I know it's going to get better. I don't really regret it, but I wish it had never come to this point. I wish I had never eaten my way to 360 lbs. I wish my body wasn't predisposed to obesity. I just wish I was normal. I'd hoped that getting a few pounds off would help with my back pain, but it really hasn't. I'm 37 lbs from where I was this summer, and still fighting my back.
I'm heading back to school tomorrow and I couldn't be happier to. I think part of my current unhappiness has been missing my friends so much, just like over the summer. This place...it's like a huge blackhole of timewasting and boredom and loneliness. It'll just be hard to be at school and not eat like I used to, not be able to socialize like I used to. I'm going to my first party sober on Saturday...that'll definitely be interesting. Me, the one who'll remember what everyone else did in their drunkeness, rather than the one making everyone else laugh. Oh well. I'll just have to adjust. Life is definitely going to be interesting from now on.
03.28.05
Yes, I've neglected this, I apologize.
First off, the interesting data you all are dieing for.
Starting Weight (June 04): 356
Weight At Surgery (Dec 04): 332
Current Weight (April 05): 265
Down to a size 18 from a size 28 originally.
Yep. It's harder in some aspects than I thought it would be...but also easier in many aspects than I thought it would be.
I tolerate more or less EVERY thing, which has gotten me in a little bit of trouble lately. But I have to learn how I'll coexist with Esmerelda (my pouch). She's been feeling very hungry lately, no matter what I do. It's a bit irritating. It just seems like my stomach empties on a dime.
Exercise is much easier, and I find myself really enjoying it. I don't do it nearly enough, but when I do do it...I go all out, and give it all I've got. Now if only I could do that in getting to the gym...
Emotions have been a veritable rollercoaster. Been through some pretty tough things without the surgery added in...and adding in the surgery when I did probably wasn't a good idea. But I think a few bad months will give me a great rest of my life...until the next crisis comes along.
If anyone wants to talk, that wouldn't be turned down. :) My AIM screen name is seasicksquid.
Til next time.
07.09.05
Current weight: 235lbs
It's hard to believe that it's been over a year long, this journey. I'm almost 7 months out right now, and I can't believe the changes. It's been rough. I even had a "What the hell was I thinking" moment a few days ago. Plateaus are not fun. I was stuck on one for quite a while, my own fault, I think. But I'm getting back on track. I've decided that by spring, I want to be able to run a triathlon. Ok, a mini triathlon. 2.5 miles running, .25 mile swimming, and 10 miles biking. So I'm going to start training now. I need the focus.
I can handle everything. And I mean everything. Including lots of sugar. It's annoying, and I wish my pouch was more picky, because I abuse my abilities. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's not a cure, it's a tool, and I've gotten this far...I need to keep using my tool.
My energy levels have been low, but I'm suspecting it's because my iron is low. I also think some of my B vitamin levels are low as well, because I've gotten really dark rings under my eyes. I got bloodwork done on Friday, so I'll know for sure soon, and have a solution from my surgeon. I suspect horse pills and B-12 shots are in my future. But that's okay. Whatever it takes to make me feel like I should feel.
Life has gotten better too. I was fighting a lot of difficult stuff earlier in the year, but things are stabilizing. I've completely stopped doing the things that were getting me in trouble, and I've met a great guy who accepts me as I am, and I've realized how important that is. So all in all...not too bad. I'm glad I did it.
And here's a relatively recent picture with my brothers...who I now officially weigh less than now.
About Me
Madisonville, LA
Location
46.8
BMI
Surgery
12/15/2004
Surgery Date
Jun 01, 2004
Member Since