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Greetings Everyone....

Well there are only a few hours left before I am lying on the table with an IV in my arm.  The funny thing about it....I haven't given much thought to mortality.  I don't wish to call it into existance, so I've sort of bypassed it.  Pardon the pun.

I did have a strong need to see my second family at the Unity Community Center.  Just being around such positive people really let me know that everything is going to be alright.  The love they show me is incredible.  It reminds me of how fortunate I truly am.  It reinforces my goals to get back to them as soon as possible, because that is when I am truly happy.  Being with them and performing with them lifts my spirits and makes me love being alive.  What I do there gives me a purpose in life.  I had gotten so caught up in my own head, that I lost that light.  It's a good thing that GOD has a flashlight.  He always leads me back to my blessing.

He's leading me right now.

Greetings Everyone....

Today was the last day of my pre-op diet.  I start clear liquids tomorrow.  I have to be honest here...it was hell and I found I needed to make an adjustment to my diet.  My pre-surgery diet consisted of 2 protein shakes a day and 1 "sensible" meal consisting of 4 oz meat, 1 cup veggies and salad with low cal dressing.  In the beginning I went through carb withdrawl.  That was the first week.  I survived that.  Then I started to feel really strange.  I was still working during this time and I knew I was going to feel tired.  Well, I didn't bank on the other feelings that went along with that.

I was at work one night and I stood up to answer a call light.  The room began to spin, I thought I was going to pass out.  I felt dizzy, nauseous, weak, I broke out in a sweat.  I felt horrible.  I thought I was gonna have to go to the ER.  I had someone take my BP it was 106/56.  Can I just say that never in my entire life has my BP been that low.  I've been on meds for 5 years for HTN and the lowest I've ever gone was 136/86.  I took my blood sugar and that was 250.  Eating zero carbs and my BS was 250!!!  As a matter of fact, my blood sugars stayed in the 200's.  It didn't matter what time of day I took them.  This was not right!!  I did not feel right.  I couldn't perform my duties at work.  Other nurses had to pitch in and help me.  I just couldn't function.  This went on for 2 days until I just had enough.

I decided to subtract one of the protein shakes and add another "sensible" meal.  I have to say things improved drastically.  I had more energy, my blood sugars immediately came out of the 200's.  They were now running normal for me (104-125).  No more nausea, no dizziness, BP 120/76.  I felt normal again!

I didn't bother to call the surgeons office with my changes.  After what I just went through, I figured I wasn't going to give them any more fuel for the fire.  I was still getting my protein in and was eating dark green leafy veggies.  I needed the iron.  Throughout this whole ordeal I began a very heavy menstral flow.  I knew this would happen and discussed it previously with the surgeon.  Once I stopped the birth control (which I take to control the bleeding), I knew I would bleed out.  We prepared for this by having me donate 2 pints of blood in case they would need to transfuse me during surgery.  I "felt" my hemeglobin level was low.  I had just made the cut-off for donation on my last pint.  I had to do what I had to do.

With that being said, today I did something that I regret on one side and don't regret on the other.  I know that sounds confusing.  My birthday is July 20th.  Every year I celebrate my birthday with cake and ice cream with my family.  The thought sat with me that I would never celebrate my birthday like that again.  Not that it is a bad thing, but after 41 years of doing something, you kinda' get a little nostalgic for the things you are used to.  After dwelling on it, I honestly came to the decision that I would have a piece of cake and celebrate my birthday the way I always have.  My sister-in-law went out and brought me a cake and my neices and nephews and brother and sister-in-law sang happy birthday to me.  I cut the cake and served it to everyone.  I cut a small piece for me and savored every last bite of it because I know it is now a thing of the past.  Doing that one familiar thing and sharing it with my family did so much for me.  I broke my pre-surgery diet.  That was wrong.  But, I feel better mentally.  It's weird.  I needed to do that.  It felt right to do.  I don't foresee any complications with what I did, but if there are I will just have to deal with the consequences.  I made that choice.

Right now I feel more than ready to go through with this surgery.  No more thoughts of canceling it, no questioning myself if I'm doing the right thing.  I am sure that I am.  I'm so looking forward to the rest of my life.  All of my friends and family are there to support me and have shown me so much love.  I am so greatfull to GOD for putting such wonderful people in my life!!!  Without them, I wouldn't make it.  I know I will be successfull!!

Greetings Everyone,

It's been a few days since I posted anything, so I have to catch you up.  I was very angry for awhile there.  I guess you want to know why.

I had gotten a very strange voice mail message from one of the nurses at my surgeons office.  She said they needed to have a meeting with me because they were concerned that I would not get my nutrition in after my surgery.  Imagine my surprise at getting this call out of the blue, seven days before I'm supposed to go under the knife.  Now being the nurse that I am, I knew that this call had to be prompted by something, but I wasn't sure of exactly what, although I had my suspicions...the new nutritionist that saw me last week.

The first emotion that gripped me however was anger.  My thought was "How in the hell can they tell me I'm not going to eat after surgery?  I surely don't look anorexic!  I didn't get here by starving myself!"  The anger then grew as I stewed over the words left on my machine.  My next thoughts were..."Which brand of crack are they smokin'?   Do they honestly think that I researched this procedure for 5 years, talked to experts and patients, came to an emotional, mental and spiritual decision to go against my very core belief system and decide to have a potentially life threatening, major surgery to reroute my insides and go against God's natural design so that I can FREAKIN' STARVE MYSELF TO DEATH!!   Are you serious?????

Whew....Calm down girl!!!!  Sorry 'bout that.  Anywho....I did give the office a call the next day, and spoke with the head nurse.  She confirmed my suspicions and read to me verbatum what the nutritionist wrote.  Honestly, everything that she said in the note was true.  I deny nothing.  I was very truthful with the nutritionist, I don't see a point in lying about anything, after all I've been lying to myself my whole life.  This is supposed to be a brand new start.  I could have walked in there and told her textbook responses to her questions, but I chose not to do that.  The problem she has with me is the fact that I was only eating one meal a day.  Now, in telling her that I was only eating one meal a day, I also explained to her the reasons why I was eating only one meal a day.

In order for me to have this surgery, I had to prepare myself finacially for it.  I knew I would be out of work for a period of time, and let's face it times are hard.  I live paycheck to paycheck.  Not proud of that fact, but it is what it is!  I am a single woman, no husband, partner, roommate, etc.  Which means I support me alone.  I needed to pay some bills in advance and prepare myself for this journey.  I picked up every overtime shift my body would allow me to work.  I was working 16 hour days for 4 and 5 days in a row.  I didn't take any time off.  Even my off days were spent at work.  I needed to make money.  In between that time I had doctor's appointments and sleep had to fit in there somewhere.  I would grab my meal and head into work, eating it in the car on the way there.  When I got home there was just enough time to shower and hit the sheets before I had to get up and do it all over again.  This process was a means to an end.  The end being the surgery, and me being able to take time off and concentrate purely on me.  No one else but me.  I explained all of this to the nutritionist.  She somehow made the completely incorrect assumption that I do this all the time.  I AM NOT A WORK-A-HOLIC!!!  If I had to work like that all the time, I would put a bullet in my brain.  That is not living life, which is what I want to get back to doing!  Hence this surgery!!!

CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME???  For 30 minutes I spoke with this nurse and had to actually convince her that I understood what was going to be required of me in this process.  I had to vow that I would follow my surgeons instructions and make sure that I will get all of my meals in.  (Talk about feeling like a child)  This conversation was completely insulting to me.  Now don't get me wrong...I understand the importance of them communicating these concerns and I can appreciate the fact that they cared enough to call me on it.  That just shows that the staff in my surgeons' office are very dedicated to its' patients.  I love that! 

That being said....I know me.  I've been a nurse for 10 years.  I've seen what can happen if I don't follow the plan.  I know that if I don't get my meals in it can lead to very serious health problems.  Actually, if I wanted to commit suicide it would be more fun to actually eat myself to death with the fatty, fried, artery-clogging delights I comforted myself with for years.  I would rather go that way than to have a major, potentially life threatening surgery and then starve myself.  It doesn't exactly make good sense to me.  You would think it would make good sense to the nutritionist too, but I digress.  She was just doing her job.  I took this incident as a challenge.  The gauntlet has been thrown and all bets are off!!!  I've been challenged to follow my surgeon's plan and lose the weight without sacrificing my nutrition.  I have to now prove them wrong in the assumption I would not follow the plan!!  GOOD!!  MORE TOOLS TO WORK WITH!!!  I'm a natural fighter.  I'm in the ring now and the bell just rung.  Ding, ding....LET'S GET READY TO RRRRUMMMBLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Hello Everyone....

I hope the holiday was good for all of you.  I have to say it was pretty pitiful for me.  I stayed home.  I couldn't face going to any BBQ's.  This pre-surgery diet is kicking my butt.  I don't have any energy.  All I do is sleep and dream about food!!  Every dream is the same, always me trying to talk myself into eating something I know I can't.  Plotting and planning to cheat or eat something in massive amounts.  Sneaking to eat a favorite snack food and excusing it away as just a one time thing.  Talking myself into believing that the one cheat food I eat won't make a difference.  But I know it will.  Right now I just can't find any peace.

I'm ashamed to admit to this, but here goes....I was in the kitchen cleaning up and happened to look out of my kitchen window.  My next door neighbors were BBQing some hot dogs and burgers.  I stood watching them in the window for a long time.  Just watching the food cook and imagining how good it would taste.  I found myself, after awhile, sobbing over the sink.  I was crying for so many things.  Crying that I allowed myself to get here.  Crying that my best friend would no longer be able to comfort me (and boy did I need my best friend right now!).  Crying that I would miss all the fatty, calorie-ladden, artery-clogging foods I've grown up loving.  Crying that my life is changing forever.  Crying that I am so weak that I'm actually "crying" over all of this!! 

I keep telling myself this is just a first step and that life will get better, that I'm going to feel so much better once the weight starts coming off.  Knowing that I'm going to feel so much better being off my meds, won't have to do an accu-check twice a day anymore.  No more fear of becoming an insulin-dependent diabetic.  No more fear of having my kidney's shut down and being on dialysis like so many of my other family members.  No more fear of dying in my 50's like both of my parents.  Oh God!!  I just want to live the best life I can!!! 

The closer I get to my surgery date the more I question myself.  "Am I doing the right thing?  Have I truly given myself a real shot at losing the weight on my own?  Is this necessary?  The answer that keeps coming back to me....even through the tears (and yes, the tears are flowing right now), the only answer I can come up with is YES.

Ok, so I went for my last nutritional consult today.  I'm so happy that part is over.  It's not that it is not valuable information.  I'm just sick of talking about the same things over and over.  I know about dumping, and how much protein I need, etc.  I understand the in's and out's of what I need to do pre-surgery and post-surgery.  I just think that it's rediculous that I have to travel an hour to get to the nutrition appointment (to stay 15 minutes)because the insurance company wants me to.  (Don't they know how much gas is a gallon????)  I mean, my problem with my weight has nothing to do with lack of knowlege.  I know all of this.  I just need restriction because it's so hard to do on my own.  I mean isn't that why I'm going through all of this?

Please forgive my rantings.  I'm starving on my pre-surgery diet.  Two protein shakes and one sensible meal a day????  (NO CARBS!!!)  Ugggg!!!  That's why slim fast would never work for me.  Plus, I think I'm going through carb withdrawal!!!  I am soooooo cranky!!!  Time for my next protein shake.....mmmmmm!!!  Unjury is so good.  The chocolate is fabulous.  I'm also feelin' the Nectar brand as well.  Really great fruity flavors!!

ONLY 13 MORE DAYS BEFORE I GO UNDER THE KNIFE!!!!  

Greetings !!!!

Yesterday I went for my Pre-op testing.  The staff was great.  Very friendly.  But as usual the bloodwork was a mess.  I have the worst veins known to man.  It took 6 sticks and 4 phlebotomists to get 4 vials of blood.  It so reminded me of my IV iron days!!!  They were all so apologetic.  They were actually quite good.  It was actually my fault.  I chose to take a nap before going, so I did not get a chance to drink enough H2O.  I know I need to do that before I give any blood.

But the upside of all of that is that my day is getting closer and closer.  It all felt so real yesterday.  Like this is actually going to happen.  I think it is actually sinking in for me.  My life is about to change in a major way!!

I can honestly say, I am having a hard time with my eating right now.  I have been craving foods I haven't thought about in years!!!  For the past two weeks I've been craving beef spare ribs.  It has been a constant thought.  I thought it would go away, but nope....the thought is there when I wake up and go to sleep.  So I broke down and got some.  I had a "pig-out" session yesterday!!!  BBQ ribs, chicken, vegetarian baked beans and mac & cheese.  I washed all that down with a bottle of my favorite wine.  I then proceeded to sleep the rest of the night away on the couch (my favorite place).  Can you say heartburn!!!  The whole entire night I did nothing but dream about my surgery, pre-op and post-op.  I was so happy post-op.  I didn't even feel any pain.  I was up and walking before the nurse even got to my room to get me up.  I was so motivated.  I almost hated to wake up.  If there is any power in positive thinking, I hope that dream was a good sign of what is to come.

I have two days before I start my pre-surgical diet. The number one thought on my mind is food!! I have this urge to get in as many of my favorite dishes as possible.  I know that is not a good thing for me to do.  But my brain feels like it's on overload!!!  I'm going to support group on Saturday morning.  Hopefully I can gather some strength there.

Ok, so yesterday I had my final surgical consult/class.  One of the nurses in the surgeons' office gave a small group of us a nice little class in everything to expect and what we need to do to make this surgery a success.  It was very informative.  After that we met with Dr. Katz for a 1:1 consult.  I was more than a little concerned that about the whole stopping the birth control pill thing a month before the surgery.  I don't take BC pills to keep from getting pregnant.  I take them to stop the bleeding.  If I don't take them I bleed out quickly.  I almost died twice from this, so I was a little concerned about the request.  Although I know it is necessary to prevent blood clots, we simply had to come up with a way to deal with both problems.

Dr. Katz was great.  He listened to my concerns and got the name and number of my OB/GYN.  He called him that day to work out a plan of care for me.  We decided I would stop the BC pills 5 days before my surgery date.  I will also donate my own blood now and have it on hand in case I am in need of a blood transfusion.  But the surgery will go on.  I was very relieved.  My only other concern was the Celebrex that I'm taking.  If I don't take it, I don't walk.  I discussed it with my primary and Dr. Katz.  The best way we came up with to approach this problem is I will be put on Nexium or protonix or some other GI med to prevent an ulcer from forming.  But hopefully, once the weight starts comming off, I won't have to deal with it anymore.  JULY 15TH CAN'T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH!!!!