ShelliR
This is some of my old stuff from other profile......
Dec 13, 2006
February 23rd, 2006..........
Well, it pays to go to the State board and ask questions. I wanted to get some feedback on PCP's in Rhode Island and NaDene has given me the name of a Dr. who's very good and who also advocates WLS. I have an appointment on March 8th...if all goes well, I will make her my new PCP. Thanks NaDene!
March 8th, 2006..........
I met Dr. Adams today. I LOVE her!! She's awesome. She made me feel so comfortable and she's so confident that WLS can really help me. I've never felt so much relief and I just want to hug NaDene's neck for telling me about her. I'm just thrilled to have a new PCP who can understand me and what I want for myself. My blood pressure was extremely high today....165/102...so she's going to work on getting that under control. She wants me as healthy as possible for surgery. And with most of my pre-op testing being done when I was considering surgery with Dr. Pohl last year, I only have a couple of more tests and I'm done. So I really need to get this BP steady and under control in order for the anesthesiologist to even consider putting me under. GRRR....one more hurdle.
March 10th, 2006..........
I met Kris today. She's here on OH with the rest of us. She's already had her surgery but is going through a mamagram scare. I responded to her post because I am going through the same thing right now. I had a bad mamagram in early Feb. but won't be retested until June. I'm glad to have met Kris....she knows alot about WLS and we seem to have a lot in common. She's great.
March 15th, 2006...........
Found out that my OH friend Kris is OK. She went back and was retested and she's going to be alright. That's such a relief. She's worked so hard after her WLS...I just didn't want her to have to face this kind of thing. I'm so happy ....prayers do work.
March 20th, 2006...............
Well, I thought it would be a good idea to find a "shrink". LOL. I failed my Psych Eval last year...well, didn't fail it, but he thought it a good idea to take 6 months to review my "emotional eating". After I jumped up and cussed him out and went home and cried,....I realized that I was just too emotional to make any decisions surrounding WLS at that time. So anyway, I took a break for a while, but decided to get things going again. I found a psychiatric nurse practitioner who can regulate my meds and help me understand my eating disorder. If you read my profile intro, then you know that I have ALOT of issues surrounding food and I'm hoping she can help. I liked her. Let's hope this works out. I see her gain on April 3rd, then it's every week after that......boy, she must really think I'm "broken"....lol.
March 29th, 2006..............
Well, I just had my initial consult with Dr. Roye's assistant Helen. I liked her. She answered all of my questions and she eased my mind on a lot of things. I've really been feeling some fear since I sat down and read all of the profiles on the Memorial page. Perhaps that wasn't the wisest thing to do, but I did it....and they all broke my heart. And I got scared. They're putting my insurance through, so God knows when I'll hear something. The waiting game has begun. She said it could be up to one month. Sheesh! But I'm going to try to enjoy this time. I've decided rather than be so incredibly nuts about it, I'm going to journal my experiences......what I'm feeling, what I wanted to eat, how I feel, etc. I want to come back in a year or so and see just how different I am and how I think, once I have the surgery. I must keep my stress level down so that I can help my PCP get my blood pressure under control. There's no sense in getting upset or worked up over things I can't control....and I have no control over how long it takes my insurance company to respond. *sigh*
March 31st, 2006..........
Well, I got a call yesterday from the Sleep clinic. I had my sleep apnea test scheduled for May 1st, but I asked to be put on the cancelation list. They called yesterday and before my brain could think, I said YES that I would go. I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect. Overall, it was so easy, but I may have to go back. They only do 2 people per night and by the time they got me hooked up, it was almost 11pm. You have to have 2 solid hours of sleep and meet certain requirements in order to be put on the CPAP machine by 1:30am.....and I didn't meet those requirements. I guess they measure other things and I may be OK to go forward, but we'll see. I guess someone will call if I need to go back.
April 3rd, 2006..........
I go to see Marilyn today at 3pm (my psychiatric nurse practitioner). It will be my 2nd appt. and I'm not as nervous as last time, but I still have jitters because I don't know her well. I will post more later, about how my appt went. Wish me luck.
April 4th, 2006
I saw Marilyn (my psychiatric nurse practitioner) yesterday afternoon. We actually get along quite well and I like her very much. We laugh at stuff and sometimes I well up, but overall, it's a good experience and I'm glad I've done this for myself. She says she'll be right there with me,...dragging me kicking and screaming, if necessary, through this process. I have a lot to deal with and it's not going to be remedied overnight....I know that. But I really feel like I'm doing the right thing this year. I've done more research and put forth more effort. It is my LIFE afterall.
I'm still eating things I shouldn't eat, but I really think alot of it is the "last hurrah" thing. I know that some things will just be off limits, but most things I will be able to have in moderation, in the future.....but I think my head says "EAT IT NOW!! YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN!!!" Duh! That's just an excuse to eat it, I know. What a damn loser I am.
We talked alot about how I'm isolating myself from EVERYONE, it seems. I told her I don't want to go out anywhere anymore. Tom and I go to the movies or something, but I feel like a freak. We don't go see any of our friends anymore who play in bands. We don't drink, but always enjoyed going to clubs and just "people watch" and listen to music. I told her that I even "hold it" longer than I should, just so I don't have to leave my cubicle at work too often to go the ladies room. I look like a round window display! Flowers and bright prints...sheesh! WTF? Who designs this stuff anyway? Jeez, almighty!!!! I should be a plus size clothing designer....no REALLY, I should be. This is just rediculous. We should not have to resort to wearing this crap, just cause we're "bigger". OK, I'm mad now. The more I think about it, the madder I get. And who ever said flowers and prints are the rage for the overweight? WHO? I want to meet them. *&%^$#@! What A-holes!!!
*sigh*.....I'm better now.
April 6th, 2006..............
I went to the support group meeting last night...saw some OH people there. It was nice to finally meet them. The meeting was a little weird, with mini groups within the big group debating about what they wanted and did not want to discuss. I persoanally thought that was BS, since pre-ops and people "on the fence" are there to hear ALL information (good and bad). We want to know what people are experiencing, but I guess they figure they need to be away from the new people. Hmmmm...always being segregated. I hope I don't feel that I'm "too busy" for new pre-ops when I'm at that stage. Some of the folks were really nice and offered their phone numbers if support was needed. Others were just jerks, no two ways about it. Whatever....I'm used to it.
Tommy is still unsure about the whole process but insists that he's supporting me nonetheless. He's scared!! I know that. But I MUST do this. I think part of me says he's being selfish to hold back complete support and understanding....but I also think he may be feeling the same way, in the event that I die or something. I think he's feeling scared and that he'll be left alone due to my decision. We'll just keep plugging away and keep talking about it....and hopefully all will go well.
Oh yea....still waiting on isurance approval...*sigh*
APRIL 7th, 2006......one of the best days of my life!!......
I'm approved! I'm Approved! I'M APPROVED!!!! Yes, I am. Yes, thank you God! I am approved. One week. That's all it took. I went for my consult and they sent my paperwork to BCBS and one week later I get a letter in the mail (which means technically, it was LESS than a week). Holy Cow! I'm freakin out! I'm happy. My life is going to change..........for the better. *BIG SIGH* (but a good one, this time!
Thank you God!! And thank all of you who have stood by me through this. We've still got a ways to go, but I'm on my way.
April 19th, 2006........
Today, one of my dear OH friends is having her surgery....and tomorrow, another will have hers. All my best to Teri and Kristen and may God be with them today and tomorrow and throughout this journey. I'm so happy and so proud to be the angel for BOTH of these wonderful women.
Anyway, haven't posted much because now it's just "hurry up and wait". Nothing happening right now. My last test (pulmonary) will be on May 8th and then I'll call my surgeons office for my follow up visit.....Dr. Roye should give me my surgery date at that time. So while I'm a bit anxious, I'm trying not to get all worked up over the time frame. I can't change it and there's no sense in getting my blood pressure up because of it. So.......I'll just enjoy Teri's and Kristen's experience right now. I'll be going to the hospital to see them this week and tell them how proud I am of their courage and their strength.
Easter was a disaster!!! Tom's parents *sigh* have always been a thorn in my side. They adopted him so no one will ever be good enough for their baby. ....especially me. Me!...who's been around a whole lot more than their "baby". We've been together 8 years and you'd think they'd get a hint,....but it doesn't look like the hint fairy visited their house. They're usually sniping about something (cause they know EVERYTHING). In case you need advise, keep in mind...my inlaws know EVERYTHING!! For crying out loud, the old man has a "hooked on phonics" under his bed. I don't begrudge him for it, but I have an engineering degree.......yet I'm as dumb as a sack o taters in this guys eyes. *UGH* My Tommy never wanted to have kids and he met me when my kids were almost grown. The youngest was in high school, so it worked out well,...and he's close to my girls. HOWEVER....my girls grew up and gave me grandchildren and that's a sore spot with my monster in law....ahem...I mean mother in law. She's sooooooo jealous. But instead of just being a normal human being, she has to make my life miserable.......and now she's enlisted her husband.....the know it all. Well if you've ever watched those movies where the family gathers for a holiday and food flies and punches are thrown.......well that's our house. The old man wanted to pick on my 2 1/2 year old grandson Max. Without going into it too deeply, Max is the light of my life. I have 4 grandchildren and I have a ball and love them dearly.....but Max is just my heart. I'm sorry if that sounds ugly. I think it's because he came into my life when I was so down on myself and then.....there was Max....my sunshine. Well, they picked and picked. Poor kid. He couldn't rock in the rocking chair, then he was looking at his reflection in the grandfather clock and that pissed off the old man.......Max didn't touch it. He kept grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away. It happened twice! Third time.......well,....you can guess by now. Yes, I went nuts all over him. I had my daughter pack up both kids and leave and then WWIII was ON!!! It's been 8 years of this BS. I had just had enough. So needless to say, I'm not going there anymore. I've had it. The hoop jumping is OVER!! I've smiled and gritted my teeth down to stumps..............no more. And never will they ever see my precious babies again. I hope they're happy alone with each other. Tom won't go there without me and a dozen horses couldn't drag me to that house again.
And how was your Easter? LOLOLOLOLOL.
April 24th, 2006.........
Well, second time around, but this time I passed my Psych Evaluation (by the skin of my teeth, I think). For those of you who've read my profile, perhaps you can understand why I wouldn't really like to talk about my dad and could possibly get a little upset at the topic. I do it every time. I did it last year during my first psych eval, and Dr. Zimmerman wouldn't clear me....said I had too many emotional issues. DUH!! But this time, I think Dr. Friedman was happy that I'm in ongoing therapy for these "issues". So anyway, that's over. Now I have my pulmonary on May 8th and then my bloodwork...then I'm done. Thank God. I'm feeling like crap today, so going to go take it easy for a while. And I have this one big hurdle jumped, so I can relax about that. YAY!
May 29th, 2006
Well.............no date. I saw Dr. Roye today and he said I have too many health issues right now. He needs to fix me and then we'll talk about a date. I think he saw my broken heart through the tear filled eyes and he was so caring and gentle....but I still could barely get through the longest walk I've ever taken to get to my car before the flood of tears came. We'll see what happens later after I take all of the meds that he's prescribed and get on my cpap......*sniff*
July 9th, 2006
Woohoo, cpap is here so I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Still taking meds for ulcers and other ailments but I'm feeling more positive. Worse comes to worse, I'll be free of ulcers and these other ailments I have and will be healthier, so it's not all bad. But still......*sniff*
August 21st, 2006.............
Ok, here we go. My original date to see Dr. Roye was set for Aug. 28th, but Annette called me and asked if I could come in sooner. What was I going to say........NO? LOL. So here I go. I'll post later.
OMG! OMG! OMG! September 26th people! I'm so happy I can't really even think. Dr. Roye was very pleased that I have lost 13 pounds and that I'm feeling better now. My ulcers seem to be fading and overall I'm in better shape than I have been in months. I was terribly ill over the winter and he was concerned that I was just becoming too weak for surgery, but I seem to be rallying. I'm not getting the response I thought I would from my family. My husband just skips right over the subject and I get a moment of silence from everyone else and then the "well, I hope everything goes OK" speech from everyone else. HMMMM. It's ok though, I'm doing this for me, so I can't expect them to understand.
September 5th, 2006............
Well, my move is over. I've moved out of our house and separated from my husband for a bit. I have a beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 bath farmhouse in West Kingston and I'm going to enjoy my time out there. He is very dear to me, as I am to him, but we've been growing apart.......mainly it's been me growing away from him. And for that, I'm sorry. But things change in life and I've never really done much for myself. I've been a mom since I was 16 and I've been married to 2 different men over most of my life. I've never really been alone before, but it will be me and my dog Oliver in a large house. My mom is coming soon since she wants to take care of me after my surgery. It will be nice to have her here, but she has "problems" and sometimes it's difficult to deal with......but she's my mom......I will try hard to understand her problems.
So I've stayed in my house for 5 days now. The first night was a little iffy since I have all kinds of compulsions, phobias and anxieties...LOL. Sleep came only after I was so exhausted from jumping up and checking the doors and windows uncountable times. But it's gotten much better and now I just walk from room to room and sit and look at the mountain of boxes and other stuff that needs to be put away in the next 3 weeks before surgery. Where are the "moving" fairies when you need them? I would love to wake up tomorrow and find everything has miraculously been put away and all is neat and tidy.....................but unfortunately, the moving fairies don't exist, so I better get my rear end moving on this task.
21 days and counting.................getting nervous and excited.
September 15th, 2006.............
Well folks, 11 days and counting. I'm nervous but not going crazy about the surgery. I do find myself thinking about the what if's and then I bring myself back to reality....I think of my PCP's face when she told me that I'm gonna be FINE! She and Dr. Roye work closely together and between the two of them, they have all the i's dotted and t's crossed. They see no problems whatsoever, so this is just my high anxiety talking. So I just don't listen...*smile*
2 weeks in my new house today. Looks like I just moved in yesterday...OMG. There are boxes and stuff EVERYWHERE!!! WTF? Where did all of this stuff come from? And if this place is 3 times as big as my previous house, where the heck did I put all this crap? Holy cow!! But it's fun. Just anxious again (what's new) cause I know it will be even more difficult to put things away after surgery......did I mention 11 days and counting?
The hubby is still traveling with business, but I don't take his calls all the time now. Until a couple of months ago, we never went a day, in over 8 years, without talking to each other. Now it's been nearly 2 weeks and I seem to be going through the "stages" of separation. At first, I think I was sad and happy....sad because of the whole situation, but happy that things were finally on the table and I could breathe again. Now I seem to be angry. I really am pissed off now. I know he wasn't thrilled about the surgery, but jeez almighty,...I'm a little over one week from surgery and where is he? Not that I can't do this without him, cause that was my whole theory about going out on my own. I knew I had to take these steps without him,....but he's never really just let me go before. And it hurts....and I'm mad. So there it is.
So........with all of that said, and some tears shed and a kiss from my doggie Oliver.......I'm back on track. Did I mention 11 days and counting?
My mom is flying in next Saturday, the 23rd. Last night she already got on my nerves and we were only on the phone (LOLOLOL)....but I'm assuming that's how it is with mothers and daughters.
So I will spend this rainy weekend trying to get as much of my house together as possible. I need to get some post-surgical food shopping done. I really have not prepared for that. I really need to sit down and make myself a list. I'm at work right now, but oh well........looks like today will be one of those "work days" where I spend most of my time on the internet shopping for necessities, and preparing for my post surgery days. And I don't have much time at all. Did I mention 11 days and counting?
One final thing....went to my teaching class and really liked it. Met Shannon and Jessica. Those 2 girls will have surgery the day after me so it was nice to put faces with names. I did gain 5 pounds of what I had lost when I went in and got my date, and I'm sure Dr. R. would not be happy about that. But I've been "bad" and eating whatever I want right before surgery. I'm getting things together tho. Got some good ideas about cooking and storing ice cubes of "food". Sounds funny but it's a good idea. I have sooooooooooooooooooooooo much to do people. I was ready just a year ago.....even a few months ago. Then I separated and moved and now I'm no more ready than a man on the moon.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok, feeling much better now. Gotta focus and get some stuff done. Off I go. Will definitely post before surgery........
September 18, 2006................
Well, the time is here....almost! It's funny how I've been a little stressed over things, a little worried about the BIG "what if".....I haven't been dwelling on it, but have been worried about my family if things don't go as planned. I take care of a lot of people, even if they don't actually live in my house. I control alot of things and they look for me to do so, and I was scared and anxious. But all of a sudden I have calm. I can't explain it. I just know, that I trust my surgeon....AND....if anything should go wrong, he'll be all over it. I know that and trust it. But.........I also know that if anything happens, it's what's SUPPOSED to happen. And I'm calm. I'm really feeling a peace that I wasn't feeling before. Sure, I'm anxious and nervous, but it's different now. Maybe it's something we all go through just prior to something like this....I don't know. But I can thank the LORD above for, once again, lifting me up when I truly need it.
I know that I've done the best I can with my girls and they're doing fine. Nikki is 26 and very happy with her fiance and their growing family. She's been through so much with me and then with her idiot ex-husband......I thank GOD for helping her find love and contentment and peace.
And then there's my beautiful baby. Jessi is almost 22. She has a tough road ahead, with splitting from her fiance. They have been together since they were teens and have 2 small boys. But she's finding that she's feeling more and more empowered with each day since making her decision. And after 3 long years of applying for the nursing grant that she so desperately needed, ....we finally got word the other day that she got it. All student loans wiped off the books....a monthly stipend to live on and her ENTIRE nursing education paid for. ALL OF IT! Thank you God.
Sometimes I felt so burdened with everyone's "problems" that I was afraid to actually go through with the surgery for fear of leaving them in a lurch. But I see now that God has moved most of the mountains in my way and I have a clear path. And my mood and my feelings are much lighter and much more positive.
My mom will be here in a few days and I'm feeling good about that. Kinda like my "mommy" is coming to take care of me while I'm sick......and I trust her to take very good care of me. My Tommy is still traveling with business but called this morning very upset...more worried about me than anything because we haven't talked in a couple of weeks. With the separation, I was beginning to think that the old addage of "out of sight, out of mind" was really true. But it's not. He loves me and has really been thinking about me alot lately. And although his cracking voice was hard to hear, I knew that his heart was still with me and that makes ALL the difference......ALL THE DIFFERENCE!!!
I'm going to be ok. I really believe that. But if for whatever reason, my God may take me away...I know I was truly loved by my family. And I will still look out for each and every one of them from above...........BUT I'm not going anywhere. I plan on planting my garden in my new yard come next spring. And I'm having my new 6 foot fence installed and a new play area for all my grandbabies to play in. I've already ordered the dump truck full of sand, but think it may be better to have it come after the snow. And I'm going to Sam's Club and buying the big jungle gym....just cause I can. And I want it......for them...LOL. Not for me people! LOL.
It's taken 43 1/2 years to get here. But once again, I can thank God for all that I have. And I would never know such peace and joy and contentment if I had never known the adversities that life has to offer sometimes. And one of my dear friends told me last night that I'm like a gem....(yea me). That gems are formed by pressure and they are polished and cut by running through currents of grit......well that's me. I've been through so much grit that I can't even say...........but damn it's nice on the other side. But you know what? I can't wait to be a not so fat gem......that will be good. *smile* love to all who bother to come and read my ramblings.
AND...........last but not least. There's my angel KRIS!! We met by accident here on OH. We both had mammogram issues and started emailing and now she's a very important person in my life. Although I live in Rhode Island and she lives in South Dakota, I still asked her to be my angel.....there really couldn't be anyone else. She had surgery well over a year ago and is a lovely size 2. *sigh* She's doing so great and she's been such a pillar of strength. A few months ago, she sent me a copy of Weightloss for Dummies. She's considerate and caring and just plain down to earth and REAL. She's awesome and I'm very honored that she's my angel..........I LOVE YA KRIS...YOU'RE THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED YOU (AGAIN!!)
6 days and counting people............6 days!!!!
Well, it pays to go to the State board and ask questions. I wanted to get some feedback on PCP's in Rhode Island and NaDene has given me the name of a Dr. who's very good and who also advocates WLS. I have an appointment on March 8th...if all goes well, I will make her my new PCP. Thanks NaDene!
March 8th, 2006..........
I met Dr. Adams today. I LOVE her!! She's awesome. She made me feel so comfortable and she's so confident that WLS can really help me. I've never felt so much relief and I just want to hug NaDene's neck for telling me about her. I'm just thrilled to have a new PCP who can understand me and what I want for myself. My blood pressure was extremely high today....165/102...so she's going to work on getting that under control. She wants me as healthy as possible for surgery. And with most of my pre-op testing being done when I was considering surgery with Dr. Pohl last year, I only have a couple of more tests and I'm done. So I really need to get this BP steady and under control in order for the anesthesiologist to even consider putting me under. GRRR....one more hurdle.
March 10th, 2006..........
I met Kris today. She's here on OH with the rest of us. She's already had her surgery but is going through a mamagram scare. I responded to her post because I am going through the same thing right now. I had a bad mamagram in early Feb. but won't be retested until June. I'm glad to have met Kris....she knows alot about WLS and we seem to have a lot in common. She's great.
March 15th, 2006...........
Found out that my OH friend Kris is OK. She went back and was retested and she's going to be alright. That's such a relief. She's worked so hard after her WLS...I just didn't want her to have to face this kind of thing. I'm so happy ....prayers do work.
March 20th, 2006...............
Well, I thought it would be a good idea to find a "shrink". LOL. I failed my Psych Eval last year...well, didn't fail it, but he thought it a good idea to take 6 months to review my "emotional eating". After I jumped up and cussed him out and went home and cried,....I realized that I was just too emotional to make any decisions surrounding WLS at that time. So anyway, I took a break for a while, but decided to get things going again. I found a psychiatric nurse practitioner who can regulate my meds and help me understand my eating disorder. If you read my profile intro, then you know that I have ALOT of issues surrounding food and I'm hoping she can help. I liked her. Let's hope this works out. I see her gain on April 3rd, then it's every week after that......boy, she must really think I'm "broken"....lol.
March 29th, 2006..............
Well, I just had my initial consult with Dr. Roye's assistant Helen. I liked her. She answered all of my questions and she eased my mind on a lot of things. I've really been feeling some fear since I sat down and read all of the profiles on the Memorial page. Perhaps that wasn't the wisest thing to do, but I did it....and they all broke my heart. And I got scared. They're putting my insurance through, so God knows when I'll hear something. The waiting game has begun. She said it could be up to one month. Sheesh! But I'm going to try to enjoy this time. I've decided rather than be so incredibly nuts about it, I'm going to journal my experiences......what I'm feeling, what I wanted to eat, how I feel, etc. I want to come back in a year or so and see just how different I am and how I think, once I have the surgery. I must keep my stress level down so that I can help my PCP get my blood pressure under control. There's no sense in getting upset or worked up over things I can't control....and I have no control over how long it takes my insurance company to respond. *sigh*
March 31st, 2006..........
Well, I got a call yesterday from the Sleep clinic. I had my sleep apnea test scheduled for May 1st, but I asked to be put on the cancelation list. They called yesterday and before my brain could think, I said YES that I would go. I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect. Overall, it was so easy, but I may have to go back. They only do 2 people per night and by the time they got me hooked up, it was almost 11pm. You have to have 2 solid hours of sleep and meet certain requirements in order to be put on the CPAP machine by 1:30am.....and I didn't meet those requirements. I guess they measure other things and I may be OK to go forward, but we'll see. I guess someone will call if I need to go back.
April 3rd, 2006..........
I go to see Marilyn today at 3pm (my psychiatric nurse practitioner). It will be my 2nd appt. and I'm not as nervous as last time, but I still have jitters because I don't know her well. I will post more later, about how my appt went. Wish me luck.
April 4th, 2006
I saw Marilyn (my psychiatric nurse practitioner) yesterday afternoon. We actually get along quite well and I like her very much. We laugh at stuff and sometimes I well up, but overall, it's a good experience and I'm glad I've done this for myself. She says she'll be right there with me,...dragging me kicking and screaming, if necessary, through this process. I have a lot to deal with and it's not going to be remedied overnight....I know that. But I really feel like I'm doing the right thing this year. I've done more research and put forth more effort. It is my LIFE afterall.
I'm still eating things I shouldn't eat, but I really think alot of it is the "last hurrah" thing. I know that some things will just be off limits, but most things I will be able to have in moderation, in the future.....but I think my head says "EAT IT NOW!! YOU CAN NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN!!!" Duh! That's just an excuse to eat it, I know. What a damn loser I am.
We talked alot about how I'm isolating myself from EVERYONE, it seems. I told her I don't want to go out anywhere anymore. Tom and I go to the movies or something, but I feel like a freak. We don't go see any of our friends anymore who play in bands. We don't drink, but always enjoyed going to clubs and just "people watch" and listen to music. I told her that I even "hold it" longer than I should, just so I don't have to leave my cubicle at work too often to go the ladies room. I look like a round window display! Flowers and bright prints...sheesh! WTF? Who designs this stuff anyway? Jeez, almighty!!!! I should be a plus size clothing designer....no REALLY, I should be. This is just rediculous. We should not have to resort to wearing this crap, just cause we're "bigger". OK, I'm mad now. The more I think about it, the madder I get. And who ever said flowers and prints are the rage for the overweight? WHO? I want to meet them. *&%^$#@! What A-holes!!!
*sigh*.....I'm better now.
April 6th, 2006..............
I went to the support group meeting last night...saw some OH people there. It was nice to finally meet them. The meeting was a little weird, with mini groups within the big group debating about what they wanted and did not want to discuss. I persoanally thought that was BS, since pre-ops and people "on the fence" are there to hear ALL information (good and bad). We want to know what people are experiencing, but I guess they figure they need to be away from the new people. Hmmmm...always being segregated. I hope I don't feel that I'm "too busy" for new pre-ops when I'm at that stage. Some of the folks were really nice and offered their phone numbers if support was needed. Others were just jerks, no two ways about it. Whatever....I'm used to it.
Tommy is still unsure about the whole process but insists that he's supporting me nonetheless. He's scared!! I know that. But I MUST do this. I think part of me says he's being selfish to hold back complete support and understanding....but I also think he may be feeling the same way, in the event that I die or something. I think he's feeling scared and that he'll be left alone due to my decision. We'll just keep plugging away and keep talking about it....and hopefully all will go well.
Oh yea....still waiting on isurance approval...*sigh*
APRIL 7th, 2006......one of the best days of my life!!......
I'm approved! I'm Approved! I'M APPROVED!!!! Yes, I am. Yes, thank you God! I am approved. One week. That's all it took. I went for my consult and they sent my paperwork to BCBS and one week later I get a letter in the mail (which means technically, it was LESS than a week). Holy Cow! I'm freakin out! I'm happy. My life is going to change..........for the better. *BIG SIGH* (but a good one, this time!
Thank you God!! And thank all of you who have stood by me through this. We've still got a ways to go, but I'm on my way.
April 19th, 2006........
Today, one of my dear OH friends is having her surgery....and tomorrow, another will have hers. All my best to Teri and Kristen and may God be with them today and tomorrow and throughout this journey. I'm so happy and so proud to be the angel for BOTH of these wonderful women.
Anyway, haven't posted much because now it's just "hurry up and wait". Nothing happening right now. My last test (pulmonary) will be on May 8th and then I'll call my surgeons office for my follow up visit.....Dr. Roye should give me my surgery date at that time. So while I'm a bit anxious, I'm trying not to get all worked up over the time frame. I can't change it and there's no sense in getting my blood pressure up because of it. So.......I'll just enjoy Teri's and Kristen's experience right now. I'll be going to the hospital to see them this week and tell them how proud I am of their courage and their strength.
Easter was a disaster!!! Tom's parents *sigh* have always been a thorn in my side. They adopted him so no one will ever be good enough for their baby. ....especially me. Me!...who's been around a whole lot more than their "baby". We've been together 8 years and you'd think they'd get a hint,....but it doesn't look like the hint fairy visited their house. They're usually sniping about something (cause they know EVERYTHING). In case you need advise, keep in mind...my inlaws know EVERYTHING!! For crying out loud, the old man has a "hooked on phonics" under his bed. I don't begrudge him for it, but I have an engineering degree.......yet I'm as dumb as a sack o taters in this guys eyes. *UGH* My Tommy never wanted to have kids and he met me when my kids were almost grown. The youngest was in high school, so it worked out well,...and he's close to my girls. HOWEVER....my girls grew up and gave me grandchildren and that's a sore spot with my monster in law....ahem...I mean mother in law. She's sooooooo jealous. But instead of just being a normal human being, she has to make my life miserable.......and now she's enlisted her husband.....the know it all. Well if you've ever watched those movies where the family gathers for a holiday and food flies and punches are thrown.......well that's our house. The old man wanted to pick on my 2 1/2 year old grandson Max. Without going into it too deeply, Max is the light of my life. I have 4 grandchildren and I have a ball and love them dearly.....but Max is just my heart. I'm sorry if that sounds ugly. I think it's because he came into my life when I was so down on myself and then.....there was Max....my sunshine. Well, they picked and picked. Poor kid. He couldn't rock in the rocking chair, then he was looking at his reflection in the grandfather clock and that pissed off the old man.......Max didn't touch it. He kept grabbing him by the arm and dragging him away. It happened twice! Third time.......well,....you can guess by now. Yes, I went nuts all over him. I had my daughter pack up both kids and leave and then WWIII was ON!!! It's been 8 years of this BS. I had just had enough. So needless to say, I'm not going there anymore. I've had it. The hoop jumping is OVER!! I've smiled and gritted my teeth down to stumps..............no more. And never will they ever see my precious babies again. I hope they're happy alone with each other. Tom won't go there without me and a dozen horses couldn't drag me to that house again.
And how was your Easter? LOLOLOLOLOL.
April 24th, 2006.........
Well, second time around, but this time I passed my Psych Evaluation (by the skin of my teeth, I think). For those of you who've read my profile, perhaps you can understand why I wouldn't really like to talk about my dad and could possibly get a little upset at the topic. I do it every time. I did it last year during my first psych eval, and Dr. Zimmerman wouldn't clear me....said I had too many emotional issues. DUH!! But this time, I think Dr. Friedman was happy that I'm in ongoing therapy for these "issues". So anyway, that's over. Now I have my pulmonary on May 8th and then my bloodwork...then I'm done. Thank God. I'm feeling like crap today, so going to go take it easy for a while. And I have this one big hurdle jumped, so I can relax about that. YAY!
May 29th, 2006
Well.............no date. I saw Dr. Roye today and he said I have too many health issues right now. He needs to fix me and then we'll talk about a date. I think he saw my broken heart through the tear filled eyes and he was so caring and gentle....but I still could barely get through the longest walk I've ever taken to get to my car before the flood of tears came. We'll see what happens later after I take all of the meds that he's prescribed and get on my cpap......*sniff*
July 9th, 2006
Woohoo, cpap is here so I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Still taking meds for ulcers and other ailments but I'm feeling more positive. Worse comes to worse, I'll be free of ulcers and these other ailments I have and will be healthier, so it's not all bad. But still......*sniff*
August 21st, 2006.............
Ok, here we go. My original date to see Dr. Roye was set for Aug. 28th, but Annette called me and asked if I could come in sooner. What was I going to say........NO? LOL. So here I go. I'll post later.
OMG! OMG! OMG! September 26th people! I'm so happy I can't really even think. Dr. Roye was very pleased that I have lost 13 pounds and that I'm feeling better now. My ulcers seem to be fading and overall I'm in better shape than I have been in months. I was terribly ill over the winter and he was concerned that I was just becoming too weak for surgery, but I seem to be rallying. I'm not getting the response I thought I would from my family. My husband just skips right over the subject and I get a moment of silence from everyone else and then the "well, I hope everything goes OK" speech from everyone else. HMMMM. It's ok though, I'm doing this for me, so I can't expect them to understand.
September 5th, 2006............
Well, my move is over. I've moved out of our house and separated from my husband for a bit. I have a beautiful 4 bedroom, 2 bath farmhouse in West Kingston and I'm going to enjoy my time out there. He is very dear to me, as I am to him, but we've been growing apart.......mainly it's been me growing away from him. And for that, I'm sorry. But things change in life and I've never really done much for myself. I've been a mom since I was 16 and I've been married to 2 different men over most of my life. I've never really been alone before, but it will be me and my dog Oliver in a large house. My mom is coming soon since she wants to take care of me after my surgery. It will be nice to have her here, but she has "problems" and sometimes it's difficult to deal with......but she's my mom......I will try hard to understand her problems.
So I've stayed in my house for 5 days now. The first night was a little iffy since I have all kinds of compulsions, phobias and anxieties...LOL. Sleep came only after I was so exhausted from jumping up and checking the doors and windows uncountable times. But it's gotten much better and now I just walk from room to room and sit and look at the mountain of boxes and other stuff that needs to be put away in the next 3 weeks before surgery. Where are the "moving" fairies when you need them? I would love to wake up tomorrow and find everything has miraculously been put away and all is neat and tidy.....................but unfortunately, the moving fairies don't exist, so I better get my rear end moving on this task.
21 days and counting.................getting nervous and excited.
September 15th, 2006.............
Well folks, 11 days and counting. I'm nervous but not going crazy about the surgery. I do find myself thinking about the what if's and then I bring myself back to reality....I think of my PCP's face when she told me that I'm gonna be FINE! She and Dr. Roye work closely together and between the two of them, they have all the i's dotted and t's crossed. They see no problems whatsoever, so this is just my high anxiety talking. So I just don't listen...*smile*
2 weeks in my new house today. Looks like I just moved in yesterday...OMG. There are boxes and stuff EVERYWHERE!!! WTF? Where did all of this stuff come from? And if this place is 3 times as big as my previous house, where the heck did I put all this crap? Holy cow!! But it's fun. Just anxious again (what's new) cause I know it will be even more difficult to put things away after surgery......did I mention 11 days and counting?
The hubby is still traveling with business, but I don't take his calls all the time now. Until a couple of months ago, we never went a day, in over 8 years, without talking to each other. Now it's been nearly 2 weeks and I seem to be going through the "stages" of separation. At first, I think I was sad and happy....sad because of the whole situation, but happy that things were finally on the table and I could breathe again. Now I seem to be angry. I really am pissed off now. I know he wasn't thrilled about the surgery, but jeez almighty,...I'm a little over one week from surgery and where is he? Not that I can't do this without him, cause that was my whole theory about going out on my own. I knew I had to take these steps without him,....but he's never really just let me go before. And it hurts....and I'm mad. So there it is.
So........with all of that said, and some tears shed and a kiss from my doggie Oliver.......I'm back on track. Did I mention 11 days and counting?
My mom is flying in next Saturday, the 23rd. Last night she already got on my nerves and we were only on the phone (LOLOLOL)....but I'm assuming that's how it is with mothers and daughters.
So I will spend this rainy weekend trying to get as much of my house together as possible. I need to get some post-surgical food shopping done. I really have not prepared for that. I really need to sit down and make myself a list. I'm at work right now, but oh well........looks like today will be one of those "work days" where I spend most of my time on the internet shopping for necessities, and preparing for my post surgery days. And I don't have much time at all. Did I mention 11 days and counting?
One final thing....went to my teaching class and really liked it. Met Shannon and Jessica. Those 2 girls will have surgery the day after me so it was nice to put faces with names. I did gain 5 pounds of what I had lost when I went in and got my date, and I'm sure Dr. R. would not be happy about that. But I've been "bad" and eating whatever I want right before surgery. I'm getting things together tho. Got some good ideas about cooking and storing ice cubes of "food". Sounds funny but it's a good idea. I have sooooooooooooooooooooooo much to do people. I was ready just a year ago.....even a few months ago. Then I separated and moved and now I'm no more ready than a man on the moon.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok, feeling much better now. Gotta focus and get some stuff done. Off I go. Will definitely post before surgery........
September 18, 2006................
Well, the time is here....almost! It's funny how I've been a little stressed over things, a little worried about the BIG "what if".....I haven't been dwelling on it, but have been worried about my family if things don't go as planned. I take care of a lot of people, even if they don't actually live in my house. I control alot of things and they look for me to do so, and I was scared and anxious. But all of a sudden I have calm. I can't explain it. I just know, that I trust my surgeon....AND....if anything should go wrong, he'll be all over it. I know that and trust it. But.........I also know that if anything happens, it's what's SUPPOSED to happen. And I'm calm. I'm really feeling a peace that I wasn't feeling before. Sure, I'm anxious and nervous, but it's different now. Maybe it's something we all go through just prior to something like this....I don't know. But I can thank the LORD above for, once again, lifting me up when I truly need it.
I know that I've done the best I can with my girls and they're doing fine. Nikki is 26 and very happy with her fiance and their growing family. She's been through so much with me and then with her idiot ex-husband......I thank GOD for helping her find love and contentment and peace.
And then there's my beautiful baby. Jessi is almost 22. She has a tough road ahead, with splitting from her fiance. They have been together since they were teens and have 2 small boys. But she's finding that she's feeling more and more empowered with each day since making her decision. And after 3 long years of applying for the nursing grant that she so desperately needed, ....we finally got word the other day that she got it. All student loans wiped off the books....a monthly stipend to live on and her ENTIRE nursing education paid for. ALL OF IT! Thank you God.
Sometimes I felt so burdened with everyone's "problems" that I was afraid to actually go through with the surgery for fear of leaving them in a lurch. But I see now that God has moved most of the mountains in my way and I have a clear path. And my mood and my feelings are much lighter and much more positive.
My mom will be here in a few days and I'm feeling good about that. Kinda like my "mommy" is coming to take care of me while I'm sick......and I trust her to take very good care of me. My Tommy is still traveling with business but called this morning very upset...more worried about me than anything because we haven't talked in a couple of weeks. With the separation, I was beginning to think that the old addage of "out of sight, out of mind" was really true. But it's not. He loves me and has really been thinking about me alot lately. And although his cracking voice was hard to hear, I knew that his heart was still with me and that makes ALL the difference......ALL THE DIFFERENCE!!!
I'm going to be ok. I really believe that. But if for whatever reason, my God may take me away...I know I was truly loved by my family. And I will still look out for each and every one of them from above...........BUT I'm not going anywhere. I plan on planting my garden in my new yard come next spring. And I'm having my new 6 foot fence installed and a new play area for all my grandbabies to play in. I've already ordered the dump truck full of sand, but think it may be better to have it come after the snow. And I'm going to Sam's Club and buying the big jungle gym....just cause I can. And I want it......for them...LOL. Not for me people! LOL.
It's taken 43 1/2 years to get here. But once again, I can thank God for all that I have. And I would never know such peace and joy and contentment if I had never known the adversities that life has to offer sometimes. And one of my dear friends told me last night that I'm like a gem....(yea me). That gems are formed by pressure and they are polished and cut by running through currents of grit......well that's me. I've been through so much grit that I can't even say...........but damn it's nice on the other side. But you know what? I can't wait to be a not so fat gem......that will be good. *smile* love to all who bother to come and read my ramblings.
AND...........last but not least. There's my angel KRIS!! We met by accident here on OH. We both had mammogram issues and started emailing and now she's a very important person in my life. Although I live in Rhode Island and she lives in South Dakota, I still asked her to be my angel.....there really couldn't be anyone else. She had surgery well over a year ago and is a lovely size 2. *sigh* She's doing so great and she's been such a pillar of strength. A few months ago, she sent me a copy of Weightloss for Dummies. She's considerate and caring and just plain down to earth and REAL. She's awesome and I'm very honored that she's my angel..........I LOVE YA KRIS...YOU'RE THE BEST. THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED YOU (AGAIN!!)
6 days and counting people............6 days!!!!
