ShrinkingSandy

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Wow...it's been a long time since I've written anything here.  I didn't realize how long.  Just goes to show that when you start living life you don't have time for all of this.    I got on the scale yesterday and was shocked by what I saw.  I had reached my goal weight.  I weighed 150 pounds.  I could not believe it.  In just over seven months, I accomplished something that I have been trying to accomplish for 20 years.  What a feeling.  In fact, I had to get on and off the scale about 5 times because I couldn't believe it.  This morning, the scale was at 149.  Amazing.  I feel good!  I am still exercising 6 days a week with cardio and weight training.  My body is unrecognizable, even to me.  I did have to cut back on the intensity of the exercise because I started to have knee pain from running.  I have worked too hard to have pain from the exercise so I had to realize where my limits were.  Now, it's a really brisk walk (2-3 miles in under 30 or 45 minutes, depending) and weight training each day.  This is a comfortable level for me and do well with it.

I found out that I am not a dumper.  I eat pretty much anything except I still have some trouble with pasta.  I also had  a sinus infection this week and the antibiotics have wreaked havoc with the feeling that I am nauseated.  The doctor prescribed a liquid for me and that has been better.  I wouldn't change things in my life for anything.  I'm happy and content where things are.  I watch all of these diet commercials since the new year has begun and this is the first year I can remember that I haven't felt guilty or overwhelmed by food.  I love my new relationship with food, even if there are days that it still doesn't love me.

John and I went to NYC the week before Christmas and he kept his word.  I had $2000 to shop for clothes and shopped until I literally dropped into bed each night.  It was an amazing journey and experience.  I could fasten the seatbelt on the airplane for the first time since I was a child.  And then I had to pull it tight by about 10 inches.  People respond differently to me and treat me differently since I've lost the weight.  Those who didn't know me before have no idea I've had the surgery.  I am finally the person I always thought that I was.  The outside finally matches the inside.

I will be hitting my 5 month mark next week and I have lost 98 pounds as of today.  My plan is to be at 100 by then and I think I'll reach it based on how I am losing each week.  I am absolutely shocked at how well this is working in my life.  At the same time, I know that I am working this and that is why it is working.  I am religious about exercise (at least 6 days weekly).  I do about 40 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of weight training.  When I feel like things are getting easier with the weights, I increase the amount of weight that I lift and that keeps me in perspective.  I have some dreams of being able to do push ups and pull ups (yeah...I know...I need to wake up and quick dreaming crap like that).  I feel different, I look at the world different and the world looks at me different.

I am amazed at people who now speak to me in my work building who would not speak to me before.  I don't think they even realize they do it and that they didn't before.  I have worked her almost two years and there are people I ride in the elevator with multiple times a day who won't say anything.  Now they are talking to me--some about weight loss and some just to say hi.  I didn't realize how I would be treated differently.

I am having more hunger now.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I have found myself wanting a small snack in the afternoon so I am having about a 1/4 of an apple.  I find that it satiates the hunger and that I seem to do better at dinner as well.

I was four months out yesterday from my surgery date.  My scale read 184 pounds which means the doctor's scale would have read 188 pounds.  That is a total of 86 pounds in4 months!  I am amazed at how quickly this has happened.  I did not think that the effort I am putting in with exercising and making sure that I am getting in my protein would have such a profound effect so quickly.  I am very pleased.

It is interesting that people are responding to me differently.  People at the office that I never really spoke to are now smiling at me and taking an interest in the weight loss.  After my conversations with them, I always have to laugh because being thinnner does make others look at you differently.  I never realized how much.  I ALWAYS tell people that it is not just the surgery that has gotten me to this point.  If I was not working out every day at the gym (40 minutes cardio and 20 minutes weight training), this effect would not be this drastic.  I firmly believe that.  It is a combination of everything that I am doing in my life that is getting me to this point.  I almost started crying in yoga the other night because I realized that I am starting to become comfortable with who I am in my own skin.  I always thought that I was ok with myself and who I was when I was larger.  Now, I realize that much of that was a myth.  I didn't have this level of confidence that is building in me today.  I didn't have the comfort in my own skin.  The transformation has not only been in my body but in my mind as well.  I feel good about myself and carry myself differently.  I noticed that I am not as moody with others and don't take things so personally at this point.  It makes all the difference in the world in regards to my confidence level.

If anyone is out there are reads this and they are debating the surgery, please take an honest look at yourself and your life and look at yourself realistically.  I don't necessarily wish I had done the surgery sooner.  I think that I needed all of the 39 years behind me for this to be this effective.  I needed the pain of those years (both physically and emotionally) to appreciate where I am today.

I continue to be amazed by this whole process.  Each week I lose about 2.5 pounds and think...hmmm...no big deal.  But today I was talking with my mom and realized that I last saw her a little over a month ago and I've lost almost 25 pounds since then.  She keeps begging for a picture but I don't think that I've changed.  Besides, I want to surprise them all again at Thanksgiving.  I should be relatively close to my goal weight provided that I continue on the path I've been on.

Today, I tried on some pants that I bought a couple weeks ago.  There are a size 18.  And they are too big.  Imagine that.  Me in a 16 comfortably.  I was buying that size when I was 16.  I turn 39 in two days and am wearing the same size that I wore at 16.  By the time I am 40, I will be in a smaller size than I was when I was in high school.  Once again, that is too amazing.  I have lost a total of 79 pounds (including the 5 pounds before surgery).  By the time I turn 39, I want to have lost 80.  I am shocked by that amount.  I was thinking that I might be able to reach that goal by the end of the year in December when I was first thinking about the surgery.  I am shocked that I will be reaching that goal in September.  By the time everyone sees me at Thanksgiving, I think that I will be at 100 pounds lost.

It has been both easy and hard.  There were days over the last few months that I thought, "why did I do this?" because I felt bad from my food.  Now that I know a little better what I tolerate, the quantity, etc. I don't have those days any more.  I don't have cravings.  Well, I do.  But they are no where near what they used to be.  I am still going to the gym every single day.  I don't really mind it except when I am tired.  last night, I did yoga after work.  I didn't want to go because I just wanted to sit on the couch.  But when I came home, i was so glad I went because I felt so much better.  I truly am making changes and sticking to them.  Besides my few days of vacation in July, I think there are probably less than 8 days that I haven't exercised since my surgery in May.  For me, that is amazing.  I have never stuck to anything like that because I would get so discouraged by the food issue. Now that it is not an issue, I can move forward in my areas of progress.  Today's a good day...and life is good.

I had my three month follow-up yesterday and according to the doctor's scales, I weigh 204 pounds.  That is a total of a 66 pound weight loss!  In three months!  Although things are slowing down a little (am losing 2.5- 3 pounds weekly rather than 4-5), the doctor said that was normal.  Overall, my blood work was really good.  Also, I shopped this last weekend and am fitting into 1x clothing in women's and wearing 16 or 18 pants.  The next time I shop will be in the regular people world.  I haven't done that since I was 16.  I feel good about my progress. 

I joined a gym about two weeks ago and have been going daily.  I walk the treadmill, walk the track and also complete some weight lifting each day.  I feel focused and enjoy the gym that I have joined.  It doesn't matter to me that everyone in the building is probably 15 years older than me in the early, pre-dawn morning.  I enjoy the activity, like the people overall and feel good when I leave.  I also went to a yoga class on Monday night and she kicked my butt.  I've done yoga before but I was dripping sweat before I left.  My body felt so good and relaxed until the next day when muscles I didn't even know that I had were hurting.  I'm going back on Monday....what can I say I am a sucker for punishment.

Since last Thursday, I have only lost 2 1/2 pounds.  Before I started into this last month, I was losing about 4-5 pounds per week on average.  I know that 2 1/2 pounds is still good but I have a goal of at least 3 weekly.  I also know my body.  In weight loss attempts in the past, I usually slow down after the two month mark and then get frustrated.  My food is still good and my water intake has actually gotten better over the last week with concerted efforts.  I am getting 100 ounces a day again.  So, I knew that what needed to change was the exercise routine.  Last night I joined a gym less than 1/2 mile from my house.  I went for the first time this morning and LOVE IT!  I have been involved with gyms in the past and have worried about feeling out of place.  I felt right at home at this place.  They are average people trying to stay active and fit.  I felt like I was one of them.  There was one woman there my size and other people of various ages and sizes.  They all seemed like family to each other.  I was excited about that.  I did a cardio program on the treadmill and then walked the indoor track for another mile.  The cardio program had me jogging for about 5 minutes of the 20 and a brisk pace for the other 15 and I was able to do all of it!  I was proud of myself for being able to function at that level.  The treadmill has a 30 minute weight loss program.  I think my overall plan is going to be that program daily and then add the weights.  Each day, I plan on focusing on a different area of my body (e.g. arms, legs and stomach).  I'll add these to the daily cardio and that way, I will get a work out on each area twice weekly while still getting cardio 6 times weekly.  I plan on resting on Sunday.  They also have an outdoor pool that I can use for $2.50 (I didn't get the membership with that).  Maybe on Sundays I can go to the pool and swim and lay out in the afternoon rather than lay on the couch and watch tv which is my usual routine.  Lastly, they have a yoga class on Monday nights at 6:15 which is perfect for my schedule.  I love yoga and really want to get involved with a class again.  I've done it in the past and really enjoyed it.  I am really excited about this new regimen and will see if it increases the loss to an "acceptable" level.  I jokingly say that because in the past I would have been thrilled with a consistent 2 1/2 pounds every week.  I see my doc in two weeks and have labs drawn next week.  I am curious to see what he will say.  Right now, I am at 209 and would love to be around 200 by the time I see him.  If that is possible, that would be 70 pounds of loss at my 3 month mark.  I turn 39 in September and would love to be under the 200 mark for that birthday.  I have not weighed below 200 since I was 19 years old.  I think that I have the ability and the strength and the determination.  And now, I think I have added the tool that will help me complete this goal.

I have stayed on track over the last week or so and not really had any problem doing it.  I just have to remember that my choices so greatly affect me.  I have lost one pound since Thursday (today's Monday).  It gets frustrating when the scale is not moving as quickly as it was before.  I continue to drink all my water daily, exercise and am eating correctly.  I have noticed that I don't have the strength in my muscles as much as I used to.  I think that I have lost some muscle mass and want to talk to the MD when I see him in a couple of weeks.  I'm not able to pick up the weight in things that I used to be able to do and don't have the physical strength I used to have.  I'm still thinking about joining the gym.  I would really like to go to Curves but the one near my house has such horrible hours (like closing by 6:30 and not open on the weekends) that I'm not sure that one is worth it.  I'll have to look more into it.


Top 10 reasons that I hated being fat:

1.  Not being able to keep up with my husband when we went out somewhere

2.  Not being able to clean my house without taking a break

3.  Walking to the top of the steps in my home and having to stop and catch my breath

4.  The way people looked at what was in my grocery cart

5.  Being embarrassed about not being able to wear a seatbelt on an airplane

6.  Only being able to shop adequately in one store

7.  Not being able to fit in a my booth in some restaurants comfortably

8.  Being self-conscious about being watching me

9.  Fearing that the clothes would shrink in the dryer and they just wouldn't fit

10.  Always wanting to eat more even when everyone else was done with their food at the table

I am amazed at how easily thoughts of going back to old behaviors can slip into my thinking.  This last week I got a little off track with the amount of water I was drinking, exercise, etc because I was out of town and on vacation.  As a result, I only lost 2.5 pounds after losing about 4-5 pounds each week.  I know that it is the choices that I made throughout the week. I think that most would be happy with the 2.5 but after losing so much every week because of the good choices I made, I know that it is because of me that it was lower this week.  So I had a serious talk with myself and am recommitting to the things that I need to be committed to.  I have certain goals set and want to be able to shop til I drop in NYC in December. To reach that point, I need to be totally committed to the appropriate foods, amount of water and exercise.  That will be the only way that I can get there.  It is completely up to me.  That's hard to think about sometimes because in the past when it was completely up to me, I failed time and again.  I know that I have additional help with the RNY but there is still the thoughts of failure that are creeping in.

I have also noticed a change in my whole attitude and person lately.  I used to have problems with spending too much money but have been much better about it the last five years.  I have some small credit card debt and I've even been more focused on making sure those little things are getting paid off.  It's like I have a whole new outlook on my life and how I want it to be.  I don't want any kind of debt like that hanging over my head.  So I have a financial plan that I've put together and I should have most of the "extra" bills paid off by March of this coming year.  In addition, I will be able to save almost $900 of my own for NYC between now and December.  When I looked closely at my finances, I realized just how much money was being "eaten up" (pun intended) by food.  Now, I can use that money for other things.

John has started to work on losing some weight.  I am pleased.  I look at him and can see him getting larger and larger.  He is by no means at the level I was but I want him to be fit and healthy with me.  He was almost scared to tell me that he had lost four pounds over the last three days.  He stated that he knew that I was struggling this week and thought that I might be mad about it.  I told him that I wasn't and I knew why I was struggling.  I told him that I would always be proud of his accomplishments with this.  Even this was a different attitude from what I had before.  Before, I would have been caught up in myself and would have been frustrated with my own failed attempts.  Now, I can take pleasure in someone else's enjoyment in life.  I didn't realize just how focused on me I had become.  This seems like a whole new world to me.

So I went on vacation last week and got off track in regards to walking and the water.  I still lost five pounds that week but I think that I am paying for it this week.  I have not lost a single pound since Thursday of last week.  I am getting back on track in regards to the water and walking this week as of yesterday.  It's hard to maintain a specific regimen like that when you are out of town and on other people's time schedules.  I am a little frustrated with the scale not moving but am trying out this new patience thing.  What am I saying...I always have to work on patience.  This is nothing new.  My goal is to be below 200 pounds by my 39th birthday on September 17th.  That would be the first time in almost 20 years that I have been below 200 pounds if I can reach the goal. 

I also saw all of my family so they all know about the surgery at this point.  Everyone was very supportive and told me how proud they were of me.  My mom (who I was most concerned about finding out after the fact) actually told me in the first 30 seconds of finding out that she was glad that she did not know that I had the surgery.  What a relief!!  They all had a lot of questions and I was patient with those and answered them.  I know that my mom will continue to have questions and I have told her that she was more than willing to ask them as I was more than willing to talk about it.  Everyone was very positive and uplifting.  It felt good to buy a few clothes before going that would fit so that they could see the difference in me.

I was talking with some people at work yesterday about it and they were shocked that I weighed 214 right now.  They stated that I didn't look like I weighed that much.  I had forgotten that people always think I weigh less than I do when I start to get toward that 200 and below range.  For some reason, I carry the weight differently at that size and people think I am smaller than I am.  That is a good feeilng to know that people don't see me as large.  I've gotten smaller!  It's still hard to fathom my own body image.  I always think that I am bigger than I am.  When I pick up one of the shirts that fits, I always look at it and say it must have shrunk...I can't wear this.  Then when I try it on, it fits.  It is so weird.  I think this will all take some time getting used to.  It is surprising to me that it is just over two months since the surgery.  At times that feels like such a short time and at other times I feel like it was forever ago.  I am glad that I am passed the stage where I felt like throwing up every day.  I am feeling better overall and feel like things are headed in a great direction....as long as I have patience.

I am excited.  I bought a few clothes this last weekend but was frustrated with how little I saw out there that I actually liked.  It wasn't a matter of things not fitting (what a relief) but I simply didn't like a lot of the clothes.  I am trying to figure out what my style is.  Last night, I stopped by Sears and bought another outfit that I liked.  The top is an 18/20 and the pants are a 20.  I know that I won't be in them for long but they fit and I like the way they make me look.  It is amazing that I am already in that size when I started at a 26/28.  I have to get used to clothes fitting closer to my body.  I am actually wearing the outfit to work today and am working on getting used to clothes fitting rather than just hiding my body shape.  It will take some getting used to because I feel so exposed.  I'm not sure that anyone else will even notice but there is going to have to be a new confidence in wearing clothes that fit.  It will take some time, I am sure.  I am proud of where I'm at.

The food problems are better.  I still have a lot of gas that I can't burp up after a meal.  It typically occurs when I eat something solid like chicken, fish, etc.  It helps to eat a saltine cracker sometimes when the gas is bad.  I don't know if it absorbs it or what.  It's just a weird feeling and sensation.  I know that will pass too as I get more comfortable with foods.  I am finding that I am not craving foods lately.  I don't know what it is.  I think the only thing that I wished I could have had this week was part of John's steak the other night.  But even with that I think it was more self pity (because I was eating fish) and just wanting what he had rather than really wanting the steak.  I've had some self pity moments but they are fewer and far between.  Unofficially, I have lost 51 pounds.  I am using the scale at the doctor for my official weight and don't see him again until the end of August.  I am shocked at how much.  I had a goal of 60 pounds at the end of two months and thought that was very unrealistic.  It is amazing that I will come close to that goal.  I am still averaging between 5 and 6 pounds each week.  And I am waiting for that to slow down.  I know that it will and it is only a matter of time.  I am still eating what I am supposed to and trying to get all of the water in.  Some days it is hard to get the full 100 ounces in just because it is hard to get that much down.  But I'm sticking to it. 

I saw a co-worker in the hall the other day who has lost 60 pounds.  She has been working on it for months.  I remember what that felt like and I was really glad I wasn't her.  I remember the frustration and the overwhelming feeling of the task in front of me.  I do not regret the surgery and am glad I had it--even on some of those days when I am struggling with food.