Diminishing Dawn

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I am feeling better and back on track today. I guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday.

You see, the maximum at goal that I'm supposed to be is 141 lbs.  I was at 136 about two and a half weeks ago ....and then of course, screwed up and ate a ton when I went camping..and then the workshop with all the food....well, it was BAD! LOL!

So when I went on the scale on Thursday night, you know what it said -- 147.5!  Yikes!  Then on Friday morning it was 146.5. Well that absolutely horrified me to see a number so darn high. Over five lbs from the highest that I could be. The number scared the bejesus out of me and totally bummed me out. Again, I saw the "fat" in the mirror.

Well yesterday was my first day of getting on track, and as is usual after eating alot and screwing up, just getting on track for ONE DAY makes a huge difference and reminds me that alot of that weight was only bloating and all.

Today I weighed 142. 

So I'm not freaking out so much anymore. LOL!  I'm one lb away from being normal again. Only one pound overweight so really, I'm laughing about it and getting all worked up about it. It doesn't mean that I'm excluding possible counselling though for my fat girl mentality down the line.

Yesterday, this is what I ate:
Breakfast: 6 star body fuel peanut butter protein bar (LOVE IT)
Lunch:  1 can mini tuna (Spicy Chili Thai) and greek salad
Dinner: 6 star body fuel bar
Snack:  Homemade bruschetta - one piece of toast with melted mozzarella and cut up tomatoes w/garlic powder and olive oil -- it was YUMMY!!!).
Snack:  a plum and a cheesestring

Exercise:  5 miles on my treadmill - felt awesome!
Water: 10 glasses

Dawn

Let me just preface this post with the fact that admitting this, embarrasses me to no end.  But I want to be honest about the struggle that can come with this surgery.......

I've been struggling the last few weeks after getting to goal. I guess it just proves that the surgery is not the cure.  The surgery helps but it does not cure you of the head related issues of overeating. As Dr. Poplawski says, there is a head component with obesity and you have to get to the reason of why you've overeaten in the past.  The surgery cures your body, but it doesn't heal the mind.

I've had alot of head related issues going on. First of all, body size. My self image is all screwed up.  While I do know that I've lost alot of weight and have pretty much cut my body in half, when I look in the mirror, I still have a tendency to see the "fat girl".  When I'm up a pound for whatever reason, I see my gut as being huge, my side profile bothers me and I feel in my head that I look as if I did at 288 lbs.  At times, I feel and see thin, but at other times I don't. I often still feel like the fat girl and see the fat girl.  I see my gut as hanging out even though it is nowhere to where it used to be.

Case in point where I am mentally:  Last week, we had a support group meeting - a little coffee talk at Tim Hortons.  Before going, I tried on various outfits to wear to make me feel good. Originally I was going to go with a new shirt I'd bought, but when I put it on, I felt as if I looked pregnant (it was empire waisted so it was a little flowy at the bottom).  I changed about three times before deciding on a shirt/outfit to wear.  Then one of the gals brought her friend who'd had surgery and was about 1 year, 4 months out (whereas I'm just over a year out).  Anyway, once I got to the meeting, I felt like a "thin person" but once this person joined us, I felt like the fat sister in comparison. All I kept dwelling on was how much thinner she was than me.  This is embarrassing for me to admit here too as why am I even thinking that way?  I thought for sure she must have been a size 4 compared to my size 10 elephant pants.

Anyways, I came to found out that she was just one size smaller than I was in pants.  That shocked me.  I almost felt relief knowing this - realizing that I'm not a *huge* person as I thought I was compared to her. 
This is what I mean about the body size issues.

The other thing I have been struggling with is grazing. I spent the last three days at a workshop where there was PLENTY of good food - cookies, muffins, danishes, meals provided, breakfast, candy etc.  I felt myself doing nothing but reaching for food during the workshop to keep my hands busy. Then I'd come home and continue grazing at home and I'd eat so much that eventually I'd end up with a stomachache.  I don't know why I spent the last three days doing this.  Of course, I hadn't exercised.

So I'm now up a whole wad of pounds and I'm frustrated, made at myself, sad, feeling achey...and bummed out.  Today is actually my first day picking myself off the floor again and trying to dust myself up. 

The one good thing about this is I've read a ton of posts online with people who are at goal and dealing with the exact same issues! I feel almost normal when I hear that there are others who once they get to goal, just end up screwing up despite the fact that they know better. 

I struggle with joining Overeaters Anonymous or inquiring about a psychologist or therapist or joining some kind of eating disorder group. I'm not sure where I stand on this right now. Just struggling with the head.
It's true that they fix your body but your head is another thing altogether.

Dawn

So I went for my one year follow up yesterday to Barix. I actually ended up going with my Dad since John is just too busy with work right now.  We left around 9:30 and took the bridge across and had no problems at all. Very little construction or problems and we ended up getting there about a half an hour early.

Luckily, they were in good shape with appointments and took me about 15 minutes early which was just great. At first I met with the Nurse (or whatever she is) who was super nice. I wish I remembered her name as she was just the sweetest.  She weighed me and was amazed at my weight. I was actually up after having a bad weekend of too many treats - I was 139. She was thrilled with my weight. Then she took my blood pressure and asked me some questions. 

Then Mary the nutritionist came in and went over what I'm eating and asked me if I had any questions. She also asked me about exercise and I told her about my 3-4 miles typically most days of the week. She said she wished she had more patients that exercised like I do. So this must mean there are a ton who don't -- which quite frankly shocks me since the whole point of this is to be healthy and fit...but I digress....

Then Dr. Poplawski came in and just chatted about watching about grazing, hubby jealousy, exercise, habits and getting to the root of overeating. He said that he was extremely pleased with my healthy weight. According to the Barix "standard" I should be 128 lbs. He said that everyone is built differently and I can try to get to that goal, or if my body tells me it is comfortable at this weight, then maintain under 140. 

I've been going through alot of thinking about the weight issue lately. It still is a hard issue to think about since it is so easy to become obsessed with a number. Mary in fact warned me about becoming too obsessed with the scale.

Mentally, I still struggle everyday with feelings that I'm still fat. If I go up a pound, I feel like I am immediately back at 300 lbs and see myself only as "fat" in the mirror. I mean I *know* I am not 300 lbs, but I still have that same fat feeling. It's a real struggle some days to keep my head on straight about it. When I'm down to 136 I can see it in the mirror in my stomach and when I'm at 140, I just see "fat". Hubby thinks thats all in my head and I'm not really sure either way but I hate that fat feeling.

I do really well on the weekdays but have given myself a "passport to junk food" on the weekends when we go camping which I have to stop -- so I've been doing the yo-yo thing. During the weekdays I get to 136/137 and then gain a few pounds on the weekend. If I can get through this upcoming weekend without eating crap, I know I can turn it around.  I work soo hard to undo my hard work during the week.

I think this new goal of 128 might be what I need to get my butt in motion again and stay on track with healthful eating.  I just hope I don't get too much trouble  from my relatives who keep telling me to stop losing as I'm getting too thin. I mean -- really it is a joke as I'm not too thin.  I'm a size 10 for goodness sake, but I just think seeing me as a normal weight throws them for a loop - and so in comparison to 288 lbs, I *do* look thin.

Well I'm going to try to use this site more often. My webpage is pretty bogged down from a year of journal entries (my first year out) so I think this might be a little more manageable for now.

Dawn

It is not often that I find a picture that I like of me. Most of the time, despite being thinner, I still don't care for photos of me. Hubby thinks that I'm crazy. He'll take a whole slew of photos (he's an amateur photographer) and I won't like a single on. For this one, he had me sitting criss cross on the floor although you'd never know it.

I am 161 lbs in this photo.

Last Year Christmas 2005 This Year Christmas 2006

I have put time and effort into my webpage (see link above this box) so I will not use the blog on here other than to give general information.

I had surgery on July 5th, 2006 at Barix Clinics, Ypsilanti, Michigan.  I chose to do out of country because of the time factor (surgery was accessible to me much faster than having to wait for Ontario), because the doctors specialize in their fields and are not just general surgeons and because going 30 minutes to Ypsilanti was better than a 4 hour trip to Toronto.

I chose Dr. Stephen Poplawski as my surgeon partly because I wanted to go with Barix because of their long history with bariatric surgery (they were formally called Bariatric Treatment Centres), because he used to be a liver transplant surgeon and has a lot of experience with surgery and because of the fact that Barix does a leak test.  As well, Barix's excellent standing with OHIP sealed the deal.

I had my surgery in July 2006 and the care I received was phenomenal.  I had one small complication during surgery (an artery that was apparently, a birth defect and was therefore inadvertently cut.  Dr. Poplawski had no trouble with this and corrected the problem with ease.

I have so far gone from 288 lbs down to 211 and I feel great.

I am very open about my surgery with people I know. I am not ashamed at all that I went this route.  It gives me strength, power and freedom from food. 

I will answer any emails from anyone who wishes to ask me questions about my surgery. I will meet up with those who wish to chat about it over coffee. 

I attend the Barix Support Group meeting held on the third Thursday of every month in Windsor. Email me to learn the details.

Dawn