smedley200
10/11/02 - Thank god for Friday has not meant so much for a long time. I need a break big time. I am getting pretty worn out now that I have not had solid food in about 2 weeks. The solids I have tried to put in have come back up. I am still getting the horrible cramping diarrhea, but can not take the acidolfilus that helps it because the pills are too large. I am no longer able to get my vitamins or immodium down either. Thank god my ulcer medicine is only a little bigger than the head of a pin or I would be in a lot of trouble. My primary care doc has me drinking anything I can get in that has calories in it. Gatorade is almost impossible for some reason, god know why because it is very thin. Those energy drinks they sell at gas stations taste like crapola! Big time. The worst is that Pepsi seems to go down ok as long as it is in a lot of ice. But I need something. I am able to munch on a cheerio or two here and there because they just disenigrate when you eat them. But I doubt I am getting anything out of it. I sure hope that my appointment with the GI monday goes well and he will do this endoscopy on Tuesday or Thursday. His scheduler (who is a real bitch) told me that I would not be able to get it done until middle to end of November. There is no way I can survive that much longer. Making it thru a work day right now is almost impossible. My doc told me no extra energy is to be spent then necessary. Yeah right doc. My weight loss has nearly stopped this last week or so, but I guess my body is shutting down. The last time I went to my primary care doc was August 29th and on his scale I weighed in at 217, yesterday I weighed 192 on his scale. He was not happy about how big of a drop that is. I mean sure 25lbs is a great loss the first couple of months, but nearly 7 months out and loosing 25lbs in a month...not good. So here I am at 183 or so, total loss of 137lbs in less than 7 months. I have 43lbs to go to get to my ideal weight. I just can not imagine being 140 so fast. Not healthy. But at least I am loosing, right?
I see these posts on the message board from people eating and eating anything they want in small amounts from 3 months out and on. And here I have been since my surgery so limited to what I can intake, and now I can not take in anything. I have to admit I am getting a little bitter at this point. I am sick still, I keep telling myself ok, you are adjusting, you are only this far out or that far out, it takes a while to get used to it, ok it was the extent of your surgery you are still healing...bla bla bla. Truth of the matter is I feel like shit. I can not go outside during the day because the heat causes me to faint, I have to always be somewhere with a bathroom facility because when it hits the pain is horrible and I do not have much warning, I have a thrombosed hemrrhoid that is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I am tired and weak, my emotional stability is hanging by a very THIN string, and I am STARVING!
Seven months out, shouldn't I be dancing with happiness at the fact that I can wear a size large shirt instead of 4x, that I can wear size 16/18 pants instead of 28/30's? Should't I love the fact that I do not have a double chin, and almost no neck to speak of? I should be woohooing all over the place because I actually get checked out now by men...and women sometimes. I should laugh each time I think of how I have bones where I never knew there should be bones and my butt bone is actually bruised all the time because it is not used to not having padding. I should rejoice each time I look at the before and after pictures of myself. And I do try. I do try to adopt the philosophy of people who say I have so many blessings that these little things do not matter...but they do. ALOT. These are the things that matter to me. The fact that I feel worse than I did when I was 320lbs...yeah that pisses me off. I suppose after this endoscopy I will come back and be all happy because I feel better...but today.....
10/21/02 - Well it is another Monday. I went for my upper GI last week and the radiologist said he did not see anything, but he did tell me that all structures were in excellent shape and I had not leaks. But when he told me there was no sricture I almost fell apart. I just wish there was a solution to all this. I just can not eat, and when I do it all comes back out in less than 20 minutes. Two bites of something is enough to cause a major puke attack. I am learning how to hold things in until it stops, but sometimes it is just easier to puke it back up. I am eating little bits now, I have to get something in. I guess I will just be able to eat like 1 oz of food at a time for a long time. I was able to eat two yolks out of eggs for breakfast Friday and Saturday so that helped. And my mom found a wonderful little treat by making toast and while HOT putting peanut butter on it. Then I licked all the peanut butter off. MMMM that was so good. I had two!! :) Of course my dogs love it because they get my toast :) So now when I am hungry that sounds so yummy. BUt I am trying to eat things too. I was able to get in a couple slices of roasted chicken breast lunch meat yesterday so that was cool. And I had 2 spoonfuls of mashed potatos...really runny. Those almost came back out tho. but what kind of love life is that? It always amazes me that people still act like it is all good because I am so thin, even when they know the truth of it all. Was it worth it...no. Would I go back
Saturday we went to Halloween Horror nights at Universal Studios. It was fun but I still get real sick when I walk. Whats up with that? Anyway, I walked from the parking lot into the park and ended up in the bathroom for like 20 minutes so my husband got me a wheel chair. I was a little depressed cause I was not supposed to need those stupid things after this surgery. But whenever I would try to get out of it and walk I would get sick, so I just sat in there like a good girl. We had fun, although you tend to feel a little disconnected when you are sitting in a chair staring at people's butts all night. The haunted houses were pretty good, some stunk, but some were good. I rode Spiderman then decided that it was not a good day to ride rides. That thing made me sick as a dog.
My husband is who I worry about more than anything. I wonder how much longer he can take this. I mean one day I am pretty good then the next I am passing out as we walk into the store. I got blood tests done on Friday, maybe I will get lucky and the doc will call me with an easy "take three of these and call me in the morning" kind of fix. He thinks maybe my liver is messed up...is that possible? I almost hope so, it would be nice to have an answer. Sadly the only thing that still tastes good and goes down well is Pepsi...ugh. I have decided that I am now at a weight I would be happy with. This helps my mental being a lot as I am not constantly looking at the scale. Although I would love to loose 40-50 more lbs I am happy at 180 for the time being. My goal was to hit 180 by Christmas so I think I am doing just fine and dandy. I can do all the things i wanted, and now XL's are too big for me :) So I can buy tops in the regular stores. But pants are still a challenge.
11/08/02 - Well the endoscopy never happened. Insurance would not approve it. What a pain in the butt. I may still work on getting another one done. Everything is pretty good. Not that much new to report. I have been able to hold things down more regularly so my hubby is taking me to my favorite italian restaurant tonight. Not much for pasta anymore, even tho I used to live on it. However they have the best potato gnocchi and that is what I am looking forward to. Also, I know I will have enough for like 3 days! :) That old halloween candy is killing me! I have to admit that I have had a peanut butter cup or two in the last couple weeks. But, I always said that this was not going to be another punishment diet type of situation. If I feel like a little of this or that then I am going to have it. Although I wish I was better about taking my vitamins, I am always forgetting and I am sure that is why I feel so dang cruddy all the time. I am working on trying to remember them, but I forgot this morning too. I think I will put some in my purse, some in my car and some at home, then I will have them whenever I forget to take em.
I am now down to a size Large or 14 in tops and about a 14/16 in pants. I have no long pants only capris that fit, thank god I live in Florida. And I do not have any shoes that fit other than a pair of tennis shoes, and some sandals. Again, thank god i live in Florida! Take care all.
12/02/02 -Well I hope that everyone had a fantastic Turkey day and a nice long weekend to relax. We spent our weekend shopping, and we ran the WHOLE time. It started Thursday with a 2.5 hour drive to have dinner with hubby's family, the traffic in Central Florida is horrible. Then we were there all day and the long drive back. All went well, and I felt good. I was able to eat and was very happy with that. It is not that I wanted a lot of food, I just wanted to be able to sit down and eat like a normal person. I had soome turkey, deviled eggs, potatoes, and even part of a roll. Then a couple of hours later I had some pumpkin pie :) Still I lost weight this weeked. I think it was all the running we did Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Shop shop shop. I have to admit we did buy some stuff for ourselves too. It is hard not to when sales are sooooo good. I have been wanting some knee high boots, but they are always too tight on my calves, and I found some camel colored seued ones that are just awesome. I still need some black boots, but I think I may get those for christmas so I wont buy any. I am now down to 158 as of this morning. It keeps coming off, I just keep waiting for it to stop, and it keeps coming off. I am just amazed everyday that I weight and I am less then the day before. Who would have thouht I would ever wonder if it is ever going to stop. HA! I am not real worried tho because I am a long way from being overly skinny. Ways to go before I have to worry about that. 135 would be real real nice. I am firmly out of anything with an X or W in the size, I love that. people have been giving me clothes here and there that are too small for them. lol that has never happened before. A size 14 fits excellent now, I am hoping by Christmas I am in a 12. That would make my day. I have to wear larger tops because my boobs are so dang big and not shrinking and my upper arms are all flappy :P ugh! But I can live with that. I am now feeling well enough that I am wearing my husband out running around. It is about damn time! LOL
12/12/02 - Happy anniversary to MEEEE! Ok today is 9 months of my re-birthday. I went to my doc yesterday, was feeling pretty dang good. (Had the danged old stomach flu Sunday and Monday tho :P UGH) Anyway, he came in and was like OH MY LORD. I feel great, but he is like OK NO MORE WEIGHT LOSS. hehe who woulda thunk it. Now I am supposed to eat carbs and drink gatorade to shut me down. I have lost past my goal before 10 months. I thought I was loosing kind of fast. Doc says that at 10 months out I should not be loosing more than 5 lbs or so a month and I am still averaging 15. SHEW! I told him I am trying to make it stop, I don't think he believes me :) hehe Anyway, I had some pumpkin cheesecake last night, BAD :) but it was nummy, and I only had a couple bites and I was happy. That is what I love about this, I am happy after a few bites. Also, he told me to take at least one Immodium everyday since I have watery bowel movements a couple times a day. I guess sometimes you have to get it to stop to balance it all out. I am supposed to go back in February, he told me if I weighed less than 150 he was going to be upset. Now how am I supposed to not loose 5lbs by February. sheesh. BUT he said that 140 would be ok, he is guessing I will be carrying around 10-12lbs of excess skin so my actual weight would be 130-128 and he does not want me lower than that.
Oh yeah, and he said no trying to conceive until I have stopped dropping and leveled out for 3 months. Well I guess I kind of figured that, but I have seen other people loosing and pregnant at the same time. I actually read a profile where a womans sister was 4 weeks PG when she had her surgery done and did not know it and had a healthy little one, and STILL lost! wow, I would no want to go thru that! Ooops, babbling again. Any questions mail [email protected]
01/07/02 - Happy New Year to everyone. I hope the holidays were wonderful for all! Mine were very nice, I got to go home and see family, it was wonderful. Of course now people are all like OMG you have got to stop loosing weight. But they are right, I need to slow this train down son! I have a cousin that is just drop dead gorgeous, now she has had a little work here and there, but her natural beauty was always there. Anyway I was sitting there at my grandmas on christmas and I turn around and she has on my leather jacket...and it fits. I was like OMG, it freaked me out.
I am sitting here wearing a pair of size 10 Gloria Vanderbilt jeans...who'da thunk it! All the clothes I got for christmas fit or were too big :) That is a BIG TIME first. We went for family pictures at the mall and I got all dressed up, well this shirt I had was very falttering and while we were waiting for our proofs we were walking the mall. Ya know, no offense to the guys out there, but men are P I G pigs. I know I am not used to the oogly eyes but I just could not believe how obvious they were about it. I thought my dad was going to throw down. LOL hubby was not with me thank god, but he does not have a jealous bone in his body. he just shrugs it off, smiles cause I am his, and says he knows where I am going to be at night :) I love that man.
It feels like a switch clicked over in my body. I have finally stopped dumping every morning and every night. I almost had a party the other night when I went to the potty, sat down, had a bowel movement, got up and it was over. It was solid, and no cramping, nausea or dizziness. Ok ok I know, but it has been like almost 10 months since I have experienced a calm no pain no feeling like I am going to pass out, bowel movement. Now I can eat and I do not have constant diahrrea (I never spell that right). I still get tired fast, and it is like a switch, one minute I am ok and then POOF I am down and out. I am learning my limits and functioning very well around them. I need to start trying to work out or something to build some muscle, shit I can not even open a bottle of water!! Now that is sad! lol this from someone who was NEVER weak. Anway, the sun has come out, I think I am going to survive this, and I am happy to say that I am not going to have to learn to live with puking, diahrrea, and passing out. At least I hope not :) Oh yeah, down to 148 now, what can ya do.
01/13/03 - Good morning all :) Yesterday I celebrated my 10 month anniversary of my re-birth day. It sure does feel like a rebirth, although it has gone so fast and the weight has dropped so fast I am still getting used to it. My DH and I had a wonderful weekend, he surprised me and drove out to Silver Springs, what a relaxing day. That place is just gorgeous. We had a wonderful time and got to see such beautiful scenery and animals! It seemed like the first time I could actually walk around for so many hours and not get ill. Although I was totally bushed when we left I still loved the day!
Sunday we went to Cracker Barrell (hubbys fav!) and had brunch, I got chicken and dumplins, which makes an excellent left over dinner for him later :) Then we went to the mall to exchange a pair of pants for me. If you can believe it, it was my first time in Old Navy :) Anyway, I exchanged the 14's for a pair of Old Navy Jeans, size 10! I am wearing them today, and boy is it exciting. The first time I put on 10's that fit I just kept thinking well they are a big 10. But I think if anything does not run large it is Old navy, but maybe I am wrong. Truthfully I about never found anything I wanted, all those pants they sell are low riders, and I look great in my clothes, but NOT showing off that belly sag!! :) hehe.
Unfortunately I got sick Saturday night and it continued on into Sunday, it seems once and a while I get "pukey" and need to throw up alot. I started my period Saturday late so maybe that is what caused it. Since surgery my monthly really messes me up physically for a few days.
As of this morning I weighed 145 on my scale. Now I know someday this is going to stop and then I will gain some back, I just wonder where I am going to stop at! I am not complaining cause I know there are people out there struggling to loose the weight, but I would love to level off so I can get used to my new body soon. I want to start an excercise regimen and get some muscle built back up, but I have been very weak and doc did not want me to expel any extra calories then necessary. Well we shall see. Now that the weather will start getting nice again I may start trying to ride my new bike some. I had to stop riding because I had lost all my balance and would get dizzy riding, that is a bad thing to say the least!
Overall I want to say that I feel dang good. I can work a 10 hour day and go home and make dinner. I am back to being able to enjoy going places on the weekends, and in the evenings after work. My sex life is woohooo!! Who would have thought that this weight loss could change that so much! I am learning to love myself, that has been a long time coming. I am finally starting to get comfortable with who I am and what I look like. Life is good :) Now I want to concentrate on healthy so I can start trying to conceive. It has been a long 10 years of trying, now maybe it will happen! God bless all.
02/06/03 - Well I feel like I am going up and down with this thing. At my last post I was feeling really good that week. Then bang a couple more bad weeks in a row. Today I am in a mood so I always hate posting like this but I went to doc yesterday and like to post after a surgeons visits.
Doc is not happy about how much I have lost yet again. I am now down to 131 and still no stopping in site. I found a great group for people like me who are sick, weak, dizzy and keep loosing so that has helped a lot. I love this site but there are not a lot of people like me here so it is hard to get support on that end. Doc wants me to try a few things to stop the loss, and my protein levels just plain suck on my last blood test. Protein supps make me sicker than sick so I have to figure something out. He suggested peanuts and peanut butter, but even pre op peanuts gave me diarrhea if I was not careful. Electrolytes are stinky too so I got some pedialyte frozen pops and will try to eat two a day for a while. Also, no more sucking in all that water, he said it is washing everything out of my system. Now I need to add stuff to it, gatoraid (yuck) or some kind of electrolyte powder. Need to add vitamin K to my supps since I am always black and blue all over. No babies in the near future, he was very adament. His exact words is that if I got pregnant while this sick it would be a catastrophe. He said I do not have enough to support Tina's survival not to mention a babies. woohoo so happy to be skinny.
I think the worst thing is the diarrhea and pain. He told me I have an anal fissure, which would explain passing out on the toilet from the pain. He gave me xylocan 5% ointment to numb it so it can try to heal and I can go. However, if it does not heal in two months surgery. damnit.
The worst worst is that he is talking revision on me. He bypassed 150cm from my pouch to intestine and 60cm from my old stomach to intestines. Anyway, he says if I can not stop loosing and stop the puking and diarrhea then surgery. damnit again. I am not ready for that. This surgery has been so hard on me, I thought I was not going to survive the first one and now we are talking about another. I don't think me or my family can handle another one. So I ask myself would I do it again, if I had known, if I could have seen myself today sick and weak, if I could have seen what the stress would do to my family, if I had known the monetary toll it would take on us. You know what, I think I would. I look to the heavens and ask God why we are willing to die to be thin, willing to be sick to be thin, willing to do all this to be thin. God, I believe, just sighs and shakes his head.
02/24/03 - Well I am not sure this post will make it or not but here we go. I wonder why on this site the bad seems to be hidden. I had my surgery on March 12, 2002, almost a year out. I am still loosing at a very high rate of speed and can not seem to stop it. I have an ulcer, constant diarrhea, extremely painful thrombosed hemrrhoids, an anal fissure (oh boy is that fun), an irritated esophagus, constant nausea, on and off fever all day, weakness, dizziness, black outs (no hot showers for me and I am afraid to bathe without someone home), LOW blood pressure (80/60), LOW blood sugar, LOW protein (who can eat??). I feel like crap, and I think I look like crap. My skin just hangs on me, My shoulders are so bony my bra straps bruise me, my legs are always black and blue, I have lost all the fat from my rear end so I can not sit for long periods or my butt bone bruises. Yeah I am a size 8 now WOOHOOO but I passed out the other day in the dressing room from exhaustion...from tryin on bathing suits. Give me a break. The newest and bestest is my friend Al, my kidney stone. Another day in the emergency room, puking and nausea. But I am a size 8, woohoo. I was in such pain I fainted, but the hospital gown wrapped around me twice. Woohoo. In case we are missing the sarcasm let me tell you it is dripping. I have posted and posted and no one has answered my cries, I felt so alone. I was scared, defeated and lost. Some days I want to give up. I am tryin to work full time and not loose my job, but can barely drive home most days. Still I plow on at work praying I can make it another day, wanting to be home curled into a ball in bed with all the lights out. My house is a disaster and I have not cleaned in months. I tried to vaccuum last week and must have blacked out cause I found myself sitting on the couch and the vaccuum laying on its side next to me. My doctor bypassed too much, 150 cm, I was supposed to be a proximinal. Now I am sick all the time. The long term affects are not explored enough. I researched for a year and never found anything on people dying 1 year, 2 years out from these troubles. Now I am hearing of it from other areas. I find out that my surgeon has had people die long term out because of malnutrition, diarrhea, vomiting and finally succumb to infection. I am scared. I am 30 years old and I do not know how long I will be able to stand this, my body or my soul. Each day is a battle of will to not jump off the highest tower. Each day I wonder when my family, husband and boss will get sick of me and leave or fire me. Each day I wonder "what the hell did I do to myself??" I am thinking about seeing a shrink, maybe anti-depressants to deal with these ups and downs, getting used to not being able to grocery shop cause I can not stand that long or walk that far. Wheelchair bound if we want to try to do something fun like go to a theme park. I can ride any ride if I want now..woohoo. Unfortunately any movement sets my bowels on a tirade and I have cramps and diarrhea for hours. But I am a size 8 woohoo.
02/27/03 - Ok I know it has only been a couple of days since my last post but I have been doing a lot of thinking and self evaluation. I gave myself a mental kick in the pants and am working on moving out of this mold of depression I have been in. I have decided to take control, and that decision has helped me a lot. I feel betrayed by my surgeon, and that is taking a huge toll on my mental state. Instead of feeling sorry for myself I think it is time to do something.
Let me explain...when I decided to go with Dr. T I had already done over a years worth of research. I had done the phsyc evaluations and follow ups, practiced eating, read EVERYTHING I could find, support grouped it, online chatted it, met people, you name it. So I was ready. When talking to Dr T I told him that I did not want to go to the extreme of distal because in my humble opinion many more people suffered long term problems with distal than proximinal. I was not that concerned with being mini-me I just wanted to loose about 100 lbs and feel healthier. So proximinal we will go. Ok...now if you read my profile you know I have been sick sick sick for a year now. I am sick of it (pun intended). So I am talking to the doc 2 weeks ago and he starts talking revision to shorten the Roux limb. I am sitting there jaw on the floor like WHAT. Then I find out he bypassed 150cm...ok with EVERYTHING I have read that is a distal bypass. He claims it is in between. HMMM Anyone ever heard of someone having MORE than that bypassed. Well I have NOT NOT NOT! SO how could it be in between. The point is mute anyway, because i asked for PROXIMINAL and he did what he wanted to do originally. He then goes on to tell me that he does this so we can not "cheat" and will get sick if we do. And with this and the titanium band around my pouch gaining or not loosing is impossible. yeah sherlock because I CAN'T EAT!! So then I am upset when I go up to check out and the woman asks what is wrong. I say possible revision. She is like oh honey don't worry we have to do those all the time. Ummm ok is there something wrong with that or is it just me?? shew, vent vent breath
OK so I decided it is time to get a lawyer. I know I know bla bla bla sue happy americans. I hate people that sue for everything. This surgery was my decision, it was not "mandatory" however I needed it to survive into my future. BUT it was MY DECISION and once under he took that power from me and made it HIS. WITHOUT permission. Some people on her are very negative, OH if you start suing then less doctors will do this surgery bla bla. OK, but if the ones that stop doing it are the ones doing it wrong...well seems to me that is a good reason. Someone has to make these Docs doing bariatric surgery be responsible for patients futures as well as the present. weight loss is not the only issue.
Sorry long, but what it comes down too is that I think my mental state is better because I am ready to start doing something about me. No more trusting docs, I knew something was wrong from the beginning and it was wait it will get better. Well guess what, no more waiting.
I am woman here me roar. LOL
03/04/03 - Well I went shopping this weekend with my mother for some new clothes. I had it in my head I wore a 10, she takes one look at me and starts pulling out sixes. Well needless to say I wear a size 6. I was excited in some ways because damn, it is a size 6. But I was also a little sad because I can not really enjoy being a size 6 cause I feel like crud all the time. While shopping I had cramps the whole time and kept having to sit down and rest. When I was changing my clothes I would have to sit in the chair in the fitting rooms and take things on and off cause I would get so damn tired and dizzy. I tried to push it and stand for a long time and nearly fell over. But I was able to shop and that is a big thing, and I got some very nice clothes. I could really see how small I am once I tried on the right sizes. Size 6, lol! We were sitting in the fitting room talking back and forth "is that an 8, it is too big I think I need the 6, this top is too big can you get a small." And I started thinking about the other people in the fitting rooms listening in and started thinking about how I would have been about a year ago. I would have been in there making faces about the tiny size 6 woman next door. lol Then we were walking thru a store with beautiful evening gowns and I was like omg I would love to try one on. So I tried on this form fitting tight long red sequined little number. OMG it looked so good I almost passed out. I about shelled the money out for it just to put on for pictures or wear when I feel down. lol
I am still having troubles with loose bowels, nausea and vomiting. It seems the vomiting comes and goes. Yesterday I had some lunch and had to run to the bathroom a few minutes later and got sick. Almost did not make it. Then last night I ate some dinner. Nothing major just an egg and bacon with some toast. I usually eat a little of each, well about halfway thru I had to jump and run to the bathroom and lost it all again. So I had just about nothing to eat yesterday cause the only thing I kept down was a small protein bar I ate. So this morning I am working on eating another small protein bar, at least it is something. But if I get more than one or two bites in there I can feel it trying to come up again. So I have been working on this thing for an hour and a half.
I will post a weight for my year anniversary soon. It looks like I am going to be around 125 or so with a total loss of 195 lbs for the year. But we shall see in 8 days. Ironically I have an appointment with a new Gastroenterologist on that day.
03/19/02 - (THIS IS LONG!!!) Ok so I missed my anniversary date by a week. Truthfully I just did not feel much like posting on that day. I remember writing in my journal all the things I was going to do to celebrate my re-birthday and well let me tell you...I didn't have going to see a gastroenterologist on the list. Anyway, on the 12th I saw my new GI specialist, he was awesome. He listened to all I had to say, actually listened, and then asked me pointed questions. he was about to prescribe Quinlan(?) or something like that. Said it was a bile binding agent, and explained that not having a gallbladder on top of this surgery is dumping excess bile into my intestines that is never there before. Anyway, as I was getting ready to go he asked me one more question about my stools. Low and behold that led to another and another until I was diagnosed with a severe bacterial infection! He prescribed a heavy duty antibiotic, leviquin(sp?) but it caused severe swelling in my feet and legs so I switched to another that I take 3 times a day now. Also he scheduled a endoscopy for the next morning. On the 13th I went in for my procedure, easy as pie! And man I was scared to death. I just got an IV, laid on my side, put a little thingy in my mouth, looked at the nurse and....well I dunno cause I was out like a light. LOL The scope found that I have gastritis, I guess an infection and swelling in the lining of my stomach. He said that is probably causing all your vomiting and pain. No ulcer found, AMEN! So I was supposed to go home and sleep all day but my parents were in town and leaving in 2 days so I took them over to Animal Kingdom and my husband took me around in a wheelchair. We only stayed for a couple of hours, course I do not remember much of it I was pretty out of it.
So I have been on these new antibitotics for 5 days now and things are definetely looking up. My diarrhea is gone, now I am having almost normal bowel movements about one to two times a day. usually morning and evening, that is pretty normal. The stool is almost solid, and most importantly I am not sick as a dog after going to the bathroom. I was always so sick that when I had to go it was like a major event cause I was down and out for an hour at least afterward. I am now able to get food in, as a matter of fact last night I ate a whole taco. Scared the crap out of me, LOL I am just never happy! Now I am like OMG I can eat and what is going to happen. I noticed when I went to the grocery store last night that I never had to sit down, I did not feel dizzy or weak. I walked to store, got all my stuff to make tacos, stood in line, unloaded my cart, paid, walked to my car, loaded the car, and when I got in I was like OMG I feel great. It is hard to explain but this is from a person that could not stand in one place for more than a couple of minutes without getting weak and dizzy. I went home and put away the groceries, then I made pork tacos, they were just awesome! My hubby was in heaven, then I CLEANED IT UP!! I was so excited, then I washed some dishes, cleaned the cabinet, then did my nails. I did not go to sleep until like 1:30 am. BUT I am worried about getting too excited, last time I started feeling better I got very sick again. So I am cautious. But my husband is so happy, and I am happy. Course he better watch out, it has been a year of sickness and now I am seeing all the work that needs to be done to the house (evil grin) and now I think I can do it!!!!
Ok, since it is a year I think I should summarize. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and one of my husbands hardest I know. If not for the support of him, and my family, I would have curled into a ball of misery and self pity and just faded away. Alot of this year is a blur of pain and sickness, I sometimes can not believe I got through it, and can not believe that I have lived like that for so so so long. I think that i have now finally found a good doctor and maybe my future is looking much brighter. I have asked my husband to pull out my exercise machine again and fix my bike so I can ride it finally again. I am looking forward to getting my life back in gear and finally living the way I wanted when I had this surgery. At this time I am a size 5/6. Now I do not think I will stay here, although I would love to be this size and healthy. personally I do not think my body was made for this tiny amount of weight. However, I am scared now that I will start seeing an upward trend on the scale. The day I had my scope I weighed 122, today I am 124. I am going to set a spot in my mind and not worry till I hit that. Maybe 140?? I dunno. I know that when I start working out again that I will gain muscle weight and maybe not size. Should I finally put that scale away? I have used it much differently than most people, weighing and praying that for a little while the weights stops coming off. Now I think it has stopped. I may let that thing get dusty. The big question is if I knew what I do now would I go back and do it again. That is still hard to answer because the memories are fresh and still I am not up to par. I still have not been able to do the things I wanted to do, so....let's wait and see. I still am a big supporter of this procedure, I am excited that my Aunt is having hers in May, unlike me she has been big her whole life so this is going to be an experience unlike any other for her!!! I hope that by the time she is well enough to travel to visit me I will be healthy as a horse! I know I still have a long road ahead, as a matter of fact it was only Saturday that I got very sick while we were out and started vomiting, then I nearly passed out. By the time my husband got me to the car I just let go and passed out all the way home. I remember him shaking me and asking if I was ok cause I just like "let go" and fell back into the seat and was out. I will be careful not to push it, but I am sick of beng sick lol. I am ready to go go go. I want to walk, go shopping, hit the mall, try on clothes, go to the theme parks, ride coasters, play on the beach, ride my bike, laugh, love, clean house, do yard work, go to the mailbox, wash my car, walk my dog, join a softball team, OH sooo many things! Well that is all for now. This was a long one, but I always hope that it helps someone somewhere. I am alive, so I am celebrating today. I no longer live for the future, I just live today. TTFN :)
04/17/03 - Well I feel much better because I can eat now. And boy do I eat. However I am still passing out all the time. Docs are all scrambling around trying to figure it out. I have to go for more tests in a couple weeks. I just had a barium swallow lower GI done. yuck :P that stuff tastes like doodoo, however the good news is I do not have any blockages. Also, I swell like a balloon when I eat, I mean HUGE. I am gaining like 5-6 inches when I swell. Ugh. I am working on that too, but the passing out thing is more important. I can not walk long distances and end up in a wheelchair to go to the dang mall and shop. Ok now that sucks. Still being able to eat makes a huge difference in how one feels about ones self :) I do still have diarrhea, but my GI doc is working feverishly to figure out what is going on. more fasting, more tests lalala. Oh I posted new pics on my web site, the link is at the top of the page. TTFN
05/01/03 - Well the fainting is getting worse. Yesterday I passed out while driving and hit a cement pole. I felt the spell coming on so I was trying to get off the road and must have coasted into the pole. Thank god it was there or I may have coasted right into a very busy intersection. I could have been killed, or could have killed someone. Now I am scared. I am no longer allowed to drive, my husband takes me to work and home. I do not go out alone anymore, I am totally dependent on someone being with me. I can not walk long distances still, so if we do go out I have to have a wheelchair. I am going in Saturday for tests. Mostly blood work, not like they have found anything before, so why hope for an easy answer now. I am very weak as well, it is like my body is breaking down. At over a year out I should be getting stronger, I know. However, when I have one of these "spells" I am weak and unable to move for at least an hour, sometimes 2 or 3. My doctors want me to stop working, my mother wants me to stop working, my family is scared, and my husband is totally supportive to the point I worry about his health. How much more can he take? I was at a hospital on Tuesday for my grandmother to have breast cancer surgery, well I was sitting there next to her bed and I felt that "feeling" so I managed to get up and tell her I was going to the bathroom, I made it out into the hallway and got the door open to the waiting room where my husband sat, then I fell flat on my face. Bruised my hip, shoulder, elbow and knee, and I have a big knot on my head. Last week I passed out at work, I had sat down in my chair and stuck my head between my legs, then I must have just rolled forward when I fainted, hit my head on the desk and busted my lip open. I am black and blue from head to toe, now I hurt all over from hitting that pole. I was wearing a seat belt, thank god, but my neck and back hurt, and where the belt hit is sore. I am scared to walk to the bathroom and back alone at work because I could faint at any moment. Can you believe there are support groups for fainters? Sheesh, I do not want to be like this forever. I do not want to join a support group, I want docs to find out what is wrong and fix it!! All this is really grating on the last bit of emotional strength I have.
05/19/03 - I have not posted in a while because i have just been too sick. I finally gave in and allowed my husband to take me to the ER. They checked my in on Friday the 9th and I stayed until I could not take it anymore. I got out on Saturday the 17th. I had gotten to the point where my husband had to help me around the house. On friday he helped me into the bathroom where he sat me in the tub and I showered sitting there while he helped me. Then he lifted me out of the tub, dried me, dressed me, and helped me to the car. I cried for hours because I just knew I was dying and would not come home. Finally we got there and he carried me in, they sat me in a wheel chair and got me into a room pretty fast. The diarrhea hit a couple times there in the ER and after making me drink nasty liquid for a cat scan they gave me demerol for the pain. Finally about 3 am they put me into a private room and we settled in for a while. I was given x-rays, cat scans- and blood tests. I was moved onto another floor in a private room and noticed signs posted not to enter without protective gear. A doc finally came in and told me I had a severe infection and they are fighting it with antibiotics. I spent most of the time getting poked for blood tests and pumped full of fluids and pain meds. My potassium was so low they were gviing it to me via pill and IV. I was totally dehydrated and my blood pressure was 70/40 at some points. The nurses pushed the demerol and phenergan in too fast and caused severe phlebitis (sp?) in my right arm so they moved the IV to my left and did all draws and IV there. Then some dumb nurse pumped a needle full of demerol AND phenergan into that arm and my veins all swelled, my arm loooked like a road map. I managed to keep that IV in for 5 days of pain because there were no alternatives that I liked. An IV in the neck did not sound good. So my left arm was used for IV and blood and my right was all swollen and hurt like hell, but they had to take blood pressure there like 10 times a day. I finally was taken for a colonoscopy and I kept waking up. They pumped me full of meds to make me sleep but I was totally awake when I came out and even ate. Then suddenly all those meds hit and I passed out for hours. Oh yeah and with all the diarrhea I still had to drink go lightly to flush my system for the colon test and I could not eat for 24 hours so I had a severe sugar attack and was a total mess. So here I am, I have chronic diarrhea, chronic syncope (I pass out a lot), hypoglycemia, low blood pressure, severely painful hemorrhoids, clostrieum difficile (that antibitotics cant seem to kill), chronic fatigue, muscle pain, and I am nauseated from the meds all the time. But oh lord amen I am skinny. On top of it all I had every nurse, tech, and food carter that ever thought of having this surgery coming in to ask questions about it. Insurance, approvals, letters, pain, time, weight loss, what did you eat, how do you feel....have to laugh at that one. Oh and the best, would you do it again. I just want to hold out my bruised and battered arms, let them look into my sunken eyes, let them see the ribs sticking out of my chest and the bones in my back, let them see the bruises on my ass because I am all one there, see my chipped teeth from fainting and say well what do you think?? I am home now. Actually I just wanted to come home because I could not take anymore. I probably should still be there. Some moments I wish I was because I get so scared I feel so awful. There are days when dying is on my mind a lot. I feel that this tiny body I now have can not take much more. I am nearly a recluse now because I never leave the house. the only time I have been out since I finally quit working was to go to the ER. I sat outside for a few minutes today, the heat makes me too sick so I did not last long. I managed a shower, sitting in a chair, by myself yesterday and I boiled some noodles and made a tuna caserole. Today I am totally wiped out and have slept nearly all day. My parents are freaked out, they flew in tho I did not want them to see me like this. My husband is wonderful but I would be on the edge if I were him. Will I last to see 32? I will be 31 in June, will I make it that far. Some days I wonder. I have not done my hair in weeks because I can not manage to hold my arms up that long. I need a haircut terribly but can not get dressed to go out. I am thinking a revision is in order, however I am not well enough to survive a surgery right now. will I ever be? So friends before you ask me "would you do it again" sit back, absorb all this and ask yourself "would you?".
05/22/03 - Well I am off. i am heading home to see family in Indiana. i will be there for a while, trying to heal and get healthy. the depression weights so heavy on me all the time. i seem to cry a lot and over everything, so i need to go home for a while. While I am there I have to make a big decision whether to get a takedown or not. For those that do not know that is a revision of this surgery to help with absorption and digetstion. I will work on getting health for a while, however I do not think that I can live like this forever. The weakness, the malnutrition, the blood sugar problems. I will be going to a clinic and talking to a surgeon either chicago hospital or cleveland hospital. From this I will make my final decision. the procedure is long and hard. It is about 7 hours and there is a lot of damage to repair when they go in. Hard decision to make. Now that I am ill, and have posted to so many places I am now hearing a lot of sad stories of malnutrition, death, strokes, etc from people 2 years and more out. Some of us just do not fit into the happy family of post-ops that are happy and healthy. But as I read more and more I see people who are saying they are happy but have so many problems goingon. i guess I am a wimp because I can not be happy and this sick. I look forward so much to seeing my family tomorrow, but as i look around my house i can not help but wonder if i am coming home or not. if i have this surgery it could be the end of me, but if i dont.... i just dont know. we are all desperate for help here, my husband is desperate and so am i. i will try to post in here what comes next, but if i cant i will try to have a family member do it. that is important to me. to keep the story going, no matter what. good luck to all in their journey. i wish.... oh i dont even know anymore. i wish i had not done something that made me sick, i wish it had not been a choice i made, i wish it was something else making me ill. i wish...
07/17/03 - I am back from my trip. Well I have been home for 2 weeks but have been very busy. First off I am feeling much better. I have learned to accept how and who I now am. I learned my limitations and am learning to live with them. I have good and bad days still, and some days I can barely move but I have been cleaning house like a mad woman, reorganized all the closets, painted, shampoed carpets, landscaped outside...so many things I have not been able to do for over a year. We are selling our house and moving back home to indiana. This experience has taught me a lot, and the biggest thing is that I want to be home with my friends and family. This year has been hell for me and my husband and we are just happy that it seems to be ending. We found out on June 30th that my husband was laid off and the call back will be a long time if ever, it was like a sign from God. The last week before I was to go back to Florida I started getting so sad again, I was not ready to be alone again. But now I will be back with everyone I love and missed so much. I have renewed friendships again since I was there and found some people that I have become very close to. My husbands best friend from high school and his wife have become very important people in our lives, I am so happy that we will be near them soon. My brother and I are so close again and I missed being with his kids. I pray that I can live as I am. I opted not to have the take down surgery as it was risky and I just did not want to play that game. I eat every couple of hours and have been able to ad about 11 lbs back on. I think a lot of it is muscle as I have been doing a lot of walking and work that I was not able to do before. I still have set backs, over the weekend my husband and i decided to take a break and go out, we had a nice dinner and were walking around point orlando when I had a horrible "attack" I was able to sit down then I guess I passed out because I lost a lot of time. My husband got me some OJ but I had just eaten and it was very hard to get in. Finally I was able to walk some and made it halfway to the car before passing out again. Eventually i made it to the car and passed out all the way home, I slept the rest of the night and once again our night was ruined. I feel horrible when those things happen and I tend to want to stay close to home because of them. but I have promised to try to learn to live within my limitations and that is what I am going to do. We want to hit Universal a couple of times before we move since we have season passes, so if need be I will ride in a chair. Living within my limitations is the only way I can survive. I do want a baby, I am hoping I will be well enough soon to do so. I will try to update more than I have been, I know I have been neglecting this page. TTFN
08/08/03 - I was reading back posts from a few months ago and it is strange but I do not remember writing most of them. truthfully I do not remember most of the last 5 months or so. There are a lot of blank spots. There were days when I know I could not remember the simples things. I do remember one day getting into the car to drive to work and having a few moments when I did not know how to drive a car. Anyway, I see the misery and fear in my writings and wonder how the hell I made it that long! Wow. I feel better everyday. I am now speed walking 2.5 miles a day, actually I walk it at night because it is too hot. My husband went once with me and nearly passed out so now he rides his bike behind me. lol The other day I was walking and he was behind me and we got home I was doing my cool down and he was just looking at me with this strange look on his face, I thought he was going to cry or something. When I asked what was wrong he just shook his head and said that I amaze him. he said he could not believe that a few months ago doctors were telling him I was nearly dead and here I am fighting with every inch I have to get better. The docs said my recovery would be a year or more and I am speed walking 2.5 miles. I was jogging some of it but my knees nearly exploded from the years of abuse in sports and then years of abuse from weight. I am not 100%, far from it. there are still days when I can barely lift a finger for hours, then there are days when I can not sit still. I eat constantly, I feel like such a hog but when I stop eating I loose weight again. I am now sitting at about 125 as long as I eat every 2-3 hours. i can actually eat a lot more, and sometimes am amazed at how much I eat. I still have diarrhea at least 3-4 times a day, but I am used to it now. I am very careful "down there" to make sure I do not develop another thrmobosed hemrroihd, but I did anyway. Damn that hurts. Oh yeah and last week I passed another kidney stone. Ow! It was weird, I have been thru so much the pain from it was bad, but I just gritted my teeth and made it thru. I guess my pain tolerance it up. I have now decided to get my breasts fixed. I lost the weight so fast and I am so skinny up there that my big ole boobs just hang, nothing fits right, my shoulders hurt all the time, and if I do not wear a bra a lot my lower back hurts like hell. It is very hard to find a bra because most of the mass is skin and it just kind of folds up and wrinkles. Yuck. I am going to wait until we get back to Indiana before I do the surgery. the house is now sold, but we are going thru hell with inspections and crap. i will be so glad to get out of here. On top of that my insurance is paying slow and the hospital has put liens on my house. sheesh. Trying to get all that cleaned before closing should be interesting. neither of us are working so we have no money, every day something else is being shut off, we had to live on 275 for 3 weeks and had literally $5 in our account for a week and a half, we did not have cable tv for 2 weeks and our phone is ready to be shut off. But you know what, we are do damn happy. We have been literally locked into this house together for a month and never have faught. Each night as I lay in bed I thank God for giving me such a wonderful husband. He is my savior, my life, and my sunshine. If I did not have him what the hell would I do!!?? I wish I could do something for him to repay. he says seeing me walking around is enough. I would love to give him a son. I dont know if my body can carry a baby, but we will find out. It is in God's hands and I have total faith that everything happens for a reason. My grandmother has a coffe mug that has a saying on it that fits me so much "I know God never gives me more than I can handle, I just wish he did not have so much faith in me" LOL Ok off I go, this has been going on so long I am sure people are sick of me, but I am glad I have kept this journal because it helps me to remember the things I cant. I still have "spells" and sometimes I get angry because my hubby treats me like an invalid or something. But then I smile and think about all he has done for me. Take care all.
08/20/03 - Well that did not last long. I try so hard to become the healthy person I want to be for myself and my family. I am tired of everyone having to worry and take care of me. i do what I am supposed to do, excercise, eat, drink...but as soon as I think I am doing some good I fall back down. I can only fake it so long, fooling myself and others is hard work. I write on here how much better I feel, and I walk and work around the house and tell my hubby how much better I am. But then I sit down and pray that no one sees in my eyes how sick I am. I don't want to be an invalid, I dont want to be disabled. i want to be normal. But pretending to be normal, well that is not helping anyone now is it? What do I do now? Learn to live with my limitations. Work in the yard for 2 minutes then have to hurry into the house to sit before I pass out in front of my husband again? Force my body to it's limits only to suffer so much later? Or face it now and know that this is the limit I live and can not afford to push myself any longer? I wonder sometimes, am I dying or will I live just like this? The hospital stay helped for a while. All the meds and vitamins and stuff, but I can almost feel it slowly leaking out of me. What can I do? How do I survive? If only someone would tell me that. Of course I do what they say and it never helps. Does my DH deserve a wife that can not support him, take care of him, wash his clothes, cook his dinners or any of the other wifely things I would like to do? I am not who I was, but can I be who I am? Negative postings, no no. I wonder how much of this you will see? so many of my posts I never put up because I know people I love read this, i just type them into my word journal copy and then delete them later. I am tired of editing my words, i am tired of editing my life.
09/01/03 -Hello everyone. well I am now in Indiana. We arrived here on Saturday after a long hard 1200 miles. I feel pretty good and was able to help some with the moving. Well I helped until Wednesday when I found out....are you ready for this??? After 10 years of trying and lots of practice I had totally given up BUT.. I am pregnant. I am totally at a loss for words. I can not believe it. I guess my body is ready or something because I have not used birth control for 10 years. I never ovulated, even when I was younger and thin. I have PCOS and the chances of me conceiving without any help were slim to none. Well here I am suprise suprise. I am nervous and a bit worried about how sick I have been. I am being very careful until I am past my third month. I am already really swollen and can not wear my pants and my boobs are huge, lol. That is why I bought the test cause they hurt so dang bad and were so swollen. Anyway I just wanted to let all know. So far they are saying April but I have a feeling I am further along so I will find out with an ultra sound. I will write more later. Thank you to all those who have supported me and given me well wishes and prayers while I was so sick. I may not have always responded but I always needed and appreciated them
12/22/03 - I know I have not updated in a long time. Unfortunately the road has been very hard. On November 27, 2003 our daughter, Piper Marie, was born sleeping. She was absolutely beautiful and I thank God for the short time I had with her, but I miss her greatly. I have been on TPN (which is an artificial form of nutrtion thru a port-a-cath in my chest) since October. They are now saying I may have to stay on it forever or have a another surgery that may or may not help. Right now I am still healing physically from the birth and DNC, and mentally I have a long way to go. The loss of my daughter was devestating and makes me question why I am here, thank god for my husband because he has kept me so grounded.
05/03/04 - Well I see it has been months since I have updated. I tought I had updated since December but I guess not. So many things to say where do I start. I have spent the last 6 months in and out of the hospital. The last stay lasted over 30 days and I just got out a week ago tomorrow. This last stay they kept me there to get healthy, pumping me full of fluids and antibiotics. They pulled my port-a-cath because of a staph infection and put in a picc line until a new catheter could be inserted. After much soul searching I decided to have another seurgery. The doctors told me that the TPN that was keeping me alive was also kiling me. My immune system was shot and my liver was failing. In less than a year I would probably need a liver transplant, so where do I go other than surgery in hopes of surviving. the surgical team was not sure what they would find once they got in there. The hopes were to remove the titanium band preventing my pouch from expanding and to reroute my digestive tract for more absorption. When they got in there all they could safely do was reroute my digestive tract. It seems that my wonderful first surgeon, Dr. Tenewitz, had left me with only 10cm between my colon and where the food dumped into my intestines. Thus leaving me with nearly zero absorption rate. The new surgeon told my husband I should have been dead a long time ago and he was not sure what kept me alive other than a strong will. My pouch is still banded which is bad, but at least I have better absorption. We are hoping this helps. The second surgery was very hard, as they told my family it would be. Surgery of this type on a thin person, they say, is much harder and very painful. I know the pain was, and is, much worse then the first time. I am told I spent 2 days screaming in pain before finally they got it under control. Thank god I do not remember most of it. I spent a month in there and every heavy nurse came to see me about this surgery. But no one wants to listen. They do not hear the over 2 years of hell. the fact that I have spent my last 3 wedding anniversaries sick or in the hospital. They do not listen to the pain, the near death, the fainting, puking, diarrhea, and pain pain pain. They do not hear that I can not walk, drive, clean house, work, shop, cook or anything else normal people can. None of them want to listen to that, they just see this tiny figure laying in the bed and dream of being able to wear a size 6. I have received emails from people telling me that I have saved them from suffering the same fate by keeping this profile. But still so many suffer. I know he is still practicing. he now requires people to sign a waiver that they will not sue him no matter what. he has been kicked out of the hospital, lost his malpractice insurance and had to hide his assets and get self insurance. he has killed and so many suffer yet they continue to knock on his door. My life will never be the same, i face that everyday. I'm lucky to be alive, lucky to see the sun rise and set each day from my own home. I did not think I was coming home this last time, but I came home with a new outlook on what may be a life I can actually live. I know I will never be totally healthy. The band around my pouch keeps it so tiny I can barely eat at all. i eat 10 times a day to keep from loosing too much weight, yet I am watching the scale drop again. i just pray it stops before 100lbs this time. I just want to be able to carry a child to term and have my husbands baby someday. I want to be able to walk into a grocery store and shop like a normal person. I want to drive myself to get a haircut, or my nails done. I want to work again and have people count on me. I want to be able to shower without resting or passing out. I want to live, I just pray this surgery does it, because frankly I am now out of options. I have fought this far, through infections and medical torture no one should have to see. I will continue to fight, I just hope that these posts prevent other people from doing to same thing, making the same mistakes.
June 19, 2007 - I have not posted on here in many years. Why? I suppose the memories are not something I choose to dwell on. I received a lot of loaded emails for "bad talking" the surgery, so I just stopped talking. I received an email from a pre-op wanting me to update my blog. Sheesh when i started all of this that word did not even exist. So here we go.
It has been a little over 5 years since I made that life altering decision. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I did this to myself, that I chose to allow someone to operate on me. Now I can not say if I would do it again or not. Even with all the horrible things I have endured. Why... because after 5 years it is hard to remember what it was like walking around at 320 lbs. Not being able to fit into a booth, having people stare at me, not being able to buy clothes at the mall, not riding roller coasters or airplanes. I can say this. After 5 years I am still paying, and big. Recently I had to have another port put in because my body just does not have the proper absortion rate. So now every Friday I go and have a needle stuck into my chest to be pumped full of goodies. Recently I have found out that I have to have all of my upper teeth pulled and get dentures. Lovely, 34 years old and dentures. My teeth are rotting out of my head. Years of starvation and infections, antibiotics and steroids have done me in. I am in constant pain from my teeth so I guess I am looking forward to having them yanked out. But I am also scared, another painful procedure to add to my list.
I am still on disability, I have absolutely no immune system so going out into public is something I think long and hard about because I usually get sick, and when I get sick it lasts for weeks. A simple cold can put me into the ER. I can not go out during the day in the summer because I can no longer handle the heat. If I am out in it for more than a few moments I pass out. If I need to go shopping I have to park in the closest handicap spot I can, so I can make it to the door. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue syndrome. What can the docs do about this..nothing. They are not curable. But hey I am not fat anymore right. Along with loosing the weight I lost my life and myself. I am not the person i was. Hell I can barely remember the person I was. The strong independent woman that ran a company and worked 80 hour weeks. And loved it. I was strong and nothing could stress me out I could handle it all and then some. Now trying to figure out what to do for dinner can cause a breakdown. I am a mommy now and I thank God everyday for my son. Because of my NEW body I have lost 2 other children, so I thank god everyday for him. but hey I am not fat anymore.
I look at things a lot different now. It is so hard sometimes, taking my son somewhere to play and not being able to be part of the group because I can not stand up for too long, or go out in the sun or crawl around with my son on the playground. I tried to join a Mommy group, but they were always going to outside functions. Of course they were, kids need to be outside. I tried to do it, and I passed out. Scared the hell out of everyone there, including my son. So we stay home, or find indoor activities to do. I spend a lot of time at docs offices so he gets to play with the nurses a lot. I have the only child in the world whose playmates are nurses. My husband is wonderful but even he gets tired of it, I can see it in his eyes. Sex is, well nearly impossible. Most of the time it is too painful, putting my body into any form of exertion just hurts. I grit my teeth and bear it,
