Snoyarc
I'm just starting to realize that dieting isn't helping me and am calling my primary doctor soon to ask him about surgery. I don't know hospital information yet or anything. Looking for people to talk with.
My surgical consultation is scheduled for April 15 at 12:30... I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. 
04/15/05 - I have had my initial consultation with Dr Wynn, she is a sweet woman, and having a baby soon... so special for her! She didn't talk down to me or treat me like an idiot, and was straight forward and informative. She made me feel more comfortable about the procedure and told me that I had already been well informed of the procedures offered. I told her that I had been on obesityhelp.com getting information and she thought that it sounded like a good place to be.
05/19/05 - I have my cardiology exam, and pulmonology exam scheduled already, and am planning to schedule my dietician, psychologist and MD requirements later today when they are in the office. I also have to have a EGD done, and have the paperwork for it filled in already, of all the pre-surgery requirements, this is the one that is the creepiest to me. I'm really not looking forward to it, but at the same time, if it's required, I'm going to do it. I have three beautiful children who deserve to see their mommy healthy and have a better life than I can offer them right now. I'm treating my weight as an illness... I'm working on getting better.
06/10/05 - Well, I'm grateful for the wonderful person who has made my site look so nice, thank you! I've now had my pulmonology exam, they are sending me for a sleep study in Middletown though, bleck. I'm not looking forward to it since my parents both have sleep apnea, I have a good chance of a problem also. I also had my cardiology exam, and Dr Kelly cleared me for surgery and doesn't expect any problems. I have an appointment for the Sleep study on Jun 13, and then on Jun 22 I have an appointment for the EGD... now all I need are the funds for the ever popular program fee so I can get those things out of the way and I should be ready to go! Anyone wanna donate to the Rachel weight loss program?
July 3, 2005
I just wrote a HUGE letter to my family about what's going on in my life, I thought I'd put the part about the surgery here also so I don't have to type it again. I hope it encourages someone!
Surgery:
For those of you who don't know, I have finally decided to go through with gastric bypass surgery. I did loose quite a bit of weight with the high protein, low carb diet, and I still follow it, but I no longer lose weight. The doctors feel that the medications I was on about 8 years ago, which contributed to the rapid weight gain, also altered enough of my body's metabolism enough that I can no longer effectively process food like I used to be able to. Those of you who remember the Depakote induced "coma" I lived in for about 6-8 months probably also remember that that during that time Dave was force feeding me one small meal a day and that I was only awake for about 4 hours each day because I simply could not function on the drug coctail the doctors had me on. Well, damage was done during that time in the form of muscle mass loss and increased pain and weakness... not to mention the weight gain. So, with all this in mind, I started the process for weight loss surgery back on April 15.
I met with Dr Gail Wynn and spoke with her about the surgery, what it entailed, the options I had available, the permanance of this, and the fact that this is a last chance tool for weight loss. She gave me a list of requirements to meet before rescheduling with her for my follow up and to schedule the surgery.
Pulmonologist: On June 6th, I had my first visit with Dr Ismail. After taking family history, and learning about my asthma, he required additional testing in order to clear me for surgery. I have since had a sleep study done, where they found that I have obstructive sleep apnea. I am now scheduled for a second sleep study with treatment in the form of a c-pap (and yes, I do blame my parents who both have this and they know it) I also have to go in for a PFT (pulmonary function test) the same day as the sleep study (July 13) Assuming both go well, I will get my pulmonary clearance from Dr Ismail on July 18 when I go back in to talk about everything that has been discovered and probably to get my script for my very own c-pap machine... oh joy! Good news is that with this surgery many people not only "recover" from sleep apnea, but they no longer need the obnoxious mask on their faces in order to sleep. I really REALLY hope that happens for me!
Cardiologist: On June 10th I met with Dr Kelly. After the EKG and family history, checking the usual things about me, etc... he told me I would have my clearance that very day. Said that the heart issues that relatives have had are not of current concern and that this surgery would be beneficial to keeping them from becoming a problem for me because I am at risk for heart issues at my weight. Yippie, it's done.
EGD: On June 22, I went to Wilmington Hospital to be put under sedation while a scope was put down my throat to make sure there are no problems in my stomach or esophogus (sp?) to make this surgery a hazard for me. While in there, they discovered an inflamation and biopsied it. They found the h.pylori bacteria which has been discovered to be responsible for many ulcers. This is a nasty bacteria with a horrible treatment. I am currently on a 14 day regimen of medications that include 2000mg of amoxicillin a day, 1000mg of biaxin a day, and 60mg of prevacid a day. For those of you who don't know, these are large doses of strong antibiotics, at least the prevacid is part of the treatment though because I don't think I'd be managing this well at all without it. I tend to feel ill with antibiotics usually and this time is no different. Once the treatment for h.pylori is finished, I will then resume use of zantac to keep the acid levels down in my stomach so the inflamation can continue to heal and after a quick blood test I will be cleared by the gastroenternologist (did I even come close to spelling that right?) for the surgery.
St. Francis Bariatric Surgery Center: After finally convincing Dave to lend me the $400 program fee (thank you Dave) I managed to have my initial educational consutation at St Francis Hospital on June 30 (Dave, so you know, it was resheduled, was originally that Tues like I had told you). On July 1, I met with Anja (sounds like it looks). She is the nutritionist for the bariatric program and informed me of the diet I will be following for the first month after surgery... well, after coming home at least, the first few days are liquid. After surgery, I am to eat about 6 meals a day, every 3 hours. I will only be able to eat about 1 or 2 ounces of food at a time (so if this really happens before Thanksgiving, understand it's not the cooking please). I have been told that vitamins are a must for life, and that at first I am to aim for about 90g of protein a day. She advised me to puree food in advance, freeze it in ice cube trays, then bag it for freshness, then all I have to do for a meal is grab one small cube and heat it. Each ice cube sized meal is to take me a half hour to eat. I am not allowed to have caffiene, soda, and a host of other things after the surgery but I am to consume at least 8 - 8oz glasses of water a day... I say water because that's what I drink but any beverage will do. There are protein powders that can be mixed with milk for a "meal" that qualify as both a meal and a liquid. Most of my food, until I can eat solids again, will be laced with protein powder. My vitamins are childrens vitamins, the same ones I give to my kids fortunately so that won't be an issue. I also will need to take daily doses of iron, b12, and calcium (in the form of extra strenght tums). I need to talk with my doctors about liquid forms of my medications, which I will need to stop taking, before the surgery, how long before, etc. Pills during recovery especially can cause a blockage which could easily kill me. I have been warned of something called dumping syndrome that comes from eating sweets or too much food at a time and is basically a severe stomach ache... this surgery is NOT the easy solution, so please don't try it unless you've tried EVERYTHING else... but, if like me, you diet, diet, diet and exercise and don't lose weight and feel a need to be healthy (for me, I want to watch my kids grow up and be able to be part of it!) it is a good tool to help get you there. The malabsorption is probably more of a contributing factor for me than anything, this weekend I've limited myself to the 2 oz portions and done a good job of it. I'm already starting to practice the megga chewing required also... still not looking forward to baby food consistancy for meats though. The rest of this program involves a second meeting with Anja and a meeting with Dr Bianchi who gives the hospitals medical approval for the procedure, I need to have bloodwork done for this. I also need to have a psychiatric evaluation before they will give me my clearance for this surgery.
Dr Wynn: After getting all the clearances required, and the bloodwork necessary, I will meet with Dr Wynn again and schedule a date for the surgery. About a month before surgery I will have to stop taking certain medications (methotrexate which prevents healing, and possibly some pain medications) and I have to get more bloodwork done about a week before surgery. Two days before the surgery, I will be starting an all liquid, no sugar diet to help clear out my system and then will remain on liquids for 2 days post-op.
Okay, I know this is long, and it's already 2 am I've been typing so long! I just wanted to make all of you aware of the steps I'm going through to get myself healthier because I honestly feel it's necessary to be as healthy as possible.
July 14, 2005
I have news... Yesterday morning I had my PFT done, the technician was impressed with my readings saying she has never seen a gastric bypass patient have such high numbers. Then she learned I had asthma and she was blown away! She gave me the test again after a treatment with an inhaler and my numbers improved... I was in the 98% before treatment and 100% after. I was so pleased with myself!
Last night was also my c-pap trial sleep study thing, bleck. It didn't go quite as well, but Steve was great, as he was the first time I was there. Although ladies, watch out for him, if he knows you have a sensitive spot, he makes sure to touch it... okay, he claims it was an accident, but who knows. Anyway, he says to me, "your a size small" I told him he made my night, here I've been thinking my whole life that I have a huge nose and I need a size small mask... wanted to kiss the man... but didn't. I fell asleep with the size small on only to awaken shortly after feeling like I was choking... we still don't know what caused that one, but we decided to go with the petit sized mask... I'm in total amazement at this time when I realize the mask actually fit better than the first one (it was covering my eye and putting pressure on my teeth). The petit (smallest mask they make) fit well, but after about an hour of tossing and turning with it, I fell asleep and woke back up feeling suffocated. The mask kept shifting and closing off my one nostril so I couldn't get any air. Well, that was no good, so he chose a different style of mask for me. This one attaches to the top of the head kinda like a baseball cap instead of being strapped around the front of your face. A tube holds the mask in place against your nose. This mask/harness combo was a lot different than the other type and worked very well for me. The actual mask was smaller and less bulky, and although soft, not cushioned like the first two were. It stayed in place pretty well except for one time when my wires caught it and twisted it... no wires at home though. I was able to fall asleep rather quickly with this mask around 3:30 am and was feeling good until I was rudely awakened at 5:30... okay so Steve was a perfect gentleman, but why couldn't he have just left me sleeping? I am still exhausted because I only got about 2 hours of sleep on the last mask, but it felt good, as comfy as they are going to feel, and they were able to figure out my titration rate (pressure to put through the nose hose to keep my airway open). I'm looking forward to going back in a year to a year and a half and having Steve hook up my new and improved body to the system and determine that I no longer need the c-pap, but until then, I'll enjoy knowing that I can sleep without stopping the breathing... once I get the machine that is.
It's a slow process, but I'm getting healthy, and looking forward to each little step of it! I see my dietitian tomorrow... I'll try to remember to report on how I did when I get back here. Love and hugs to all who are keeping their eye on me. I am looking forward to having an angel and well, I'd love to have a host of angels flocking about me during visiting hours... have no idea how to arrange that one though! Until next time!
July 15, 2005
I'm home from meeting with my nutritionist. Anja is great, she's a beanpole, but great. She is friendly and helpful and doesn't treat you like you're a freak because you're big, something you don't see too often in life. Anyway... I showed her my sample menu (I must admit, I did borrow the chart that Gigee had with her sample to create mine so I didn't have to lay it out myself, but my menu is different than hers and I did the work for it myself). I managed to get all 100g of protein a day that she wanted me to get into it, as well as 58-62 oz of liquid a day (she wanted 48-64 oz) I love amazing people and seeing what their reactions are to what I do and how I eat already. But today was just wonderful. She was so impressed with the work I did, and the information I had provided for her, the protein powders I bought and am planning to buy (I bought flavored, but plan to get unflavored also) She saw a variety of foods on my menu that she said are usually not included and loved that I had tofu with soy sauce as one of my meals (she loves that meal and so do I lol) She couldn't believe that I had thought to use farina (cream of wheat) as a base for protein powder and said no one had thought to do that one before... apparantly I gave her some ideas of things to try and suggest to others. One of her favorites, and mine, is something I haven't tried yet, but plan to. I am going to take my dutch chocolate protein powder (Isopure) and mix it like I would for a shake (4 oz skim milk, 1 scoop powder, 1 packet splenda) and then freeze it into ice cubes. After that I'm going to put it into the snow cone maker I have and try eating it that way... who knows, it might make a good ice milk! We also toyed with the possibility of turning a protein shake into ice cream using a home ice cream maker as well as the idea of high protein cookies made with protein powder and splenda for sweetner... can you just imagine eating a peanut butter cookie and knowing it was healthy for you? I am already planning to work on that recipie as soon as I get my hands on the unflavored Unjury powder.
The other good thing about today is that although my home scale groans in protest if I stand on it and says "get off me you're hurting me" Anja's scale revealed that I am down 2.4 lbs! I know, nothing compared to what's going to happen post op, but I am still happy. I don't want to keep the attitude of "eat it now" I am doing this to get healthy, so I should start thinking healthy and start doing healthy things before surgery. I can't believe I fooled myself into gaining weight because I wanted to "eat it while I still could" What a counterproductive thought!
I look forward to joining the loser list and being on the losing side of things. I want so much to get healthy. I don't know if I shared with you that my daughter had said to me, "Mommy, I want a big butt, big boobs, and big belly like you when I grow up." I don't want that for her. I know she's only thinking that she loves her mommy and wants to be like mommy, but ya know what? I want her to think that way about her HEALTHY mommy, the mommy who runs and plays with her and who rides a bicycle with her. Not about a mommy who gets winded on the walk to the playground and needs to take breaks often. I want her to follow a healthy pattern, not an unhealthy one. So, precious Alyssa, this surgery is as much for you as it is for mommy... I want you to realize that although I hope to not be gushy and comfy, I want to be healthy and show you that good health is vital for happiness. Love you baby!
Huggles to all of you, keep your chin up and you can do it... so can I!
July 20, 2005
I am in shock! I can't believe everything that is going on right now! I met a bunch of DE losers on Saturday at PMRI and it was great! I now have faces to put with names like Gigee, Bonnie, Bonnie, Vickie, Kenn, Deb, Joe, and a few others that are TOTALLY escaping me right now... nothing personal, promise! Well, had a great time meeting all of you that's for sure... you made me feel at home, and I didn't feel like a monster while in your presence, that was probably the best feeling I've had in a long LONG time! Thanks a million for giving me a happy vibe on my weekend!
Well, on Monday I saw the pulmonologist... they hadn't gotten the results of my 2nd sleep study in writing yet, but knew it was successful so they told me they'd contact the company for a c-pap for my very own use (no surprise there) and that they would be mailing a letter clearing me for surgery to all parties involved... YIPPIE! For those of you who haven't followed my saga all along, this means that I only have ONE clearance left... the psych one... potentially difficult given some past history, but currently shouldn't be an issue. I have that appointment on Friday. Wish me luck.
Well, love ya all, keep in touch... HUGGLES!!!
July 22, 2005
I can't believe it, I have a date!!!! I went for my psych consult this morning, and when I was done he said he was clearing me. I called Misty and I had a choice between August 11 and September 1... because it takes a month to get off of some of my meds and I want to go to my daughter's first day of Kindergarten (Aug 29), I opted for Sept 1.
The psych consult went well... obviously, he thinks I am a good candidate for this and I'm cleared by him. Now, I need to deal with the insurance stuff and I should be in good shape for that... I hope!
Oh wow, the reality of a date has my stomach doing flip flops... didn't expect this! LOL... tears were streaming down my face a little while ago... I have no clue what happens next but I need my angels! Okay where are you? Looks like I will be in the pureed section of the losers circle for that picnic, doesn't it?
Okay, I'm wow, too many emotions to try to type LOL... this is amazing and frightening and I'm anxious...
Until I can write clearly, I'm calling this update quits!
Love to all! Huggles!
August 11, 2005
Hi to all my adoring fans! HEHE!
I've been a very busy beaver lately and decided it's time I try to update things here a little bit. Many of you know that my oldest daughter was in the hospital for dehydration from Aug 9 - Aug 10 so I'll start with that. She is doing much better, the doctors are caling it Post Strep Glomerulonephritis which is a fancy way of saying they think she had a strep infection a few weeks ago and it's still working it's way out of her system in the form of making her urine bloody and causing weight loss, etc... Poor dear lost 5 lbs in 3 days and she only started at 45 lbs! She's holding fluids now, no more vomiting! She's back to eating a solid diet, but she does have some bowel blockage (she has chronic constipation) and we're trying to get that worked out also. We are still waiting on more testing and trying to figure out what exactly caused this though because they said there is a chance that it is the early stages of renal failure. Please pray that it isn't!
Other than that, I've been working on getting child care arranged, cleaning my home, and looking for a job. Okay, I had really decided to let that last one go until after surgery, but an engineering company found my resume online and contacted me. They don't mind that I've been out of work for a while to start a family, they have a job that fits my abilities while allowing me to get back "into the swing of things" as far as engineering skills are concerned and I'm really hoping it works out. I have a second interview on Monday... Yippie!
I woke up this morning with laryngitis (sp?) and saw my PCP for it. I don't want something silly like this getting in the way of my surgery ya know? So he ordered me some meds to clear it up and said I should be good as gold by the time of the surgery! YIPPIE! I'm looking forward to it! I never thought I'd be looking forward to such a HUGE lifestyle change, but I'm excited about getting healthy. I'm excited about starting a "new" life and on top of it, I might be getting a new job at the same time... what a rush! I hope this all works out, although I'm still waiting on insurance approval... but that will get here with plenty of time to spare... I just know it will. I refuse to think of the worst, I am a good candidate for this and I deserve a healthy life!
Hugs and love to all!
September 6, 2005
I'm home from the hospital now, and while I have the chance, I'm attempting to make my page as up to date as possible before going back to work. But since I'm only 5 days out, please bear with me! LOL
Surgery day was... hilarious to say the least. My friend Bonnie Miller showed up to drive me to the hospital as arranged, we were acting like I was packing for a sleepover for a girls night while I ran around grabbing my c-pap, deodorant and change of panties to wear home from the hospital (wore the same clothes home that I wore to go in) Well, Bonnie (picture coming soon) became my official photographer for the day... big mistake, we have the before pictures from all angles (I look so HORRIBLE in them) and even one of me doing a backbend... not sure if I'm putting that one up here for all to see yet or not! The time came to leave and we got into her van (after I took a quick detour to help a frequent visitor to the church across the street get his wheelchair out of his car so I could let him know it would be a while until I could help him with that again) We didn't get lost on the way to the hospital, which in my experience with Bonnie, was a miracle.
This is Bonnie
My before pictures
... and the backbend because I'm feeling generous... 
When we arrived at St Francis we were quickly greeted by someone who looked to be a stranger at first... a rather THIN Gigee! Way to go Gigee! Anyway, seeing how great she looked that day helped remind me why it is I'm having this surgery done in the first place, so I can look like a stranger to those around me... okay, maybe not exactly that reason, but it will be a fun bonus. She reminded me, just by seeing her, that this process works and is worth it... that alone calmed me down quite a bit (even though at this point, the fun is about to begin)
We all went to the waiting area of same day surgery and as I walked in, no one was at the desk so I pretended I was going to leave (remember, I might be calm, but I KNOW that this is NOT an easy fix and am still scared) My security guards (Bonnie and Gigee) blocked the door in a very OBVIOUS way followed with grabbing of arms and all but forcing me to check in! I realized then there was no backing out, they wouldn't let me! I told them I wasn't going to back out, I was just feeling nervous... I did my homework, I knew this was the right answer for me... I checked in and got my lovely bracelet which I had planned to keep but think it was thrown away accidentally after it was removed.
We all went to the waiting room where many comments about how great Gigee is doing were exchanged and where I admitted that I expected mine surgery and everything to go great but the weight loss to be a bit slower, more like Bonnie's has been... We talked about it a little bit, then started being goofy, and of course, getting the waiting room pictures. We were talking with another patient and her daughter while waiting and commenting on how the gown and color coordinating robe were actually a flattering combination. They actually have ROBES for normal sized people, did you know that? And they are made to look good with the gown the normal sized people are... We were joking about if they give me the coordinated set in the same color to request the "big girl" gown... there was no way I was going to fit into that one! But it was cute... as far as pre-op garb is concerned.
Waiting room pictures didn't work right, for now, there are 2, and yes, I was being goofy
It was then my turn to get changed. I was hoping for a similar ensemble for the heftier among us, but no, was faced with forward and backward facing tents. No, I'm not kidding, this was a 3 person gown. I might be losing now, but I am still a large person! While changing I turned the inner gown into a wrap around dress, tucking in the extra sleeves to be a little more modest and cover what needed covering. The sleeves were huge holes, large enough to see through from one side to the other without moving it, all I had to do was exist in this tent... I felt like a small girl for a change, weird feeling! Anyway, I figured, in this tent, I'm gonna have some fun. I put on my backwards gown for a robe, left it untied, and put the cap on my head in a very poufy, very french beret fashion, grabbed my bag of street clothes, visited the ladies room (didn't plan on that, but didn't change the goofy status fortunately) and marched into the waiting room and started voguing (if you are too young, or old, to catch the Madonna reference, too bad, I struck a pose... pictures to come) Then the hilarity resumed... in full force, and took up the whole room including the other patient and her daughter. I commented that I was wearing a tent, there was plenty of room for another person... so, Gigge joined me in my robe and proof in the form of pictures, were taken. Then we said, ya know what? Theres even MORE room in here... so the kind daughter who was hysterical with laughter with us, took a picture of the three of us in my robe. Rachel, Gigee, and Bonnie... we were ALL inside this tent! It was amazingly huge! 3 women, one thin (yes, Gigee qualifies as thin now), and two larger women... Bonnie on my surgery day was about 10-20 lbs lighter than I was... I think... she's doing great! The point is, this was a big gown! We calmed down for a while, got all my hair tucked into my pretty blue cap and before I knew it, it was time for me to go get into bed... I don't remember if they stood up or not, but I know that Bonnie and Gigee were both ready to put me into that bed if I didn't go willingly... they even told the nurse they were ready if she needed help! LOL I assured them that I didn't come this far to chicken out, and walked myself to my bed, untied my sarong (gown) so they wouldn't have to unwrap me later, and climbed in. I got my IV, answered tons of questions (over and over with the same thing by different people... wanted to scream!!!) Then they let my goofy supporters come back to sit with me, and were considerate and gave Bonnie a chair without arms so she could be more comfortable... I thought that was nice of them. The silliness didn't end, but my goofiness was a way of hiding my fear, and I'm sure they knew it. I hate hospitals, I hate people cutting into me, and here I was about to have it done at MY decision, not a life or death or health related... then my thoughts changed, almost immediately... This IS a life and death situation... it may not be an immediate one, but it is one. This may not be considered medically necessary, but the reality is, for me, it is! I have tried for so long to lose this weight that this is the last straw... I want my children to have a mother for a long long time, and for the first time, I can say I have imagined being around long enough to see my daughters get married... just did that this morning. This surgery became in that instant, not a frivolous choice I made for myself, but a type of preventative medicine, like getting my children vaccinated or even taking vitamins (well into that habit before surgery) and although the nervousness was still there in HUGE ways, the second guessing was not. So, I asked for the camera... LOL... I told the girls I wanted a picture of the two of them since they were with me... unfortunately, they got a picture of me lying there too...grrr... (pictures coming, I promise). 
The time came, I was wheeled back, butterflies in the stomach which would soon be removed from the loop by a barrier of staples... I told the nurse who was with me that I tend to get a chill when I enter the surgical area because of the lower temps, and as soon as they moved me into my "bay" they grabbed lovely warmed blankets from the blanket warmer and covered me... that made the shivering stop... I was glad that wasn't from my nerves and even told the nurse the same thing, we got a good chuckle from it before.... time to go over the same bling blang questions again... I told them it was starting to get old, but that I understood the safety behind it and answered the questions, over and over and over. Met my anesthesiology student... turned to his teacher and said to her, "you're gonna make sure he doesn't mess up right?" and she said "yup, and he might even keep me on my toes more so I don't make mistakes too" I said, "Good, I trust you to keep me alive," turned my head to look at the student and said, "both of you." The thought I had then was that I was fortunate, there was a system of checks built in by there being two people working in that way... harder for 2 people to miss something... and I told them that. I had asked them to write down all their names for me, but I never got them, I'm going to have to write a generic thank you for the team and hope they all get it... they did a great job. Then more fun came, I think I had about 7-8 people around my bed by this time, all talking, trying to figure out what is going on and in walks Dr Peters... I had never met Dr Peters and my reaction to seeing him there was, "Who are you?" He chuckled, introduced himself, and I said, ah right, I've heard of you, are you assisting with my surgery and he was, I was thrilled, I've heard wonderful things about him from people on ObesityHelp.com! I was instantly at ease with him. When he was asked if Dr Wynn was showing, he said they had been racing up 95 from the CHRIAS office and that he passed her and won the race to the hospital. So, they figured they'd try to start setting me up in the surgical room before Dr Wynn arrived... they even said to me, "Honey, do you think we can take you to surgery and set you up without you seeing Dr Wynn?" I said "no". They were dumbstruck! I had been so much fun and easygoing all moring, they never expected a no from me, then I grinned and told them to turn around... Dr Wynn had just walked into the room and was standing just behind Dr Peters LOL... they got a laugh out of it, and then while they were wheeling me over to the next room Dr Wynn was showing off pictures of her new daughter, and I asked if I could see them too, so she handed them too me and said, not to worry, she'll let me see them again because anesthesia would make me forget this part... obviously it didn't, and that is a very precious baby... so is her older sister who was holding her in the one pic.
Once in the room, I start getting ready to move myself onto the surgical table... they were once again in shock... I let them know I've done it before and my mom was an OR nurse for a long time... so they told me again, how cooperative I was... told them I'll do what I can to make it easy, but once under, I couldn't promise the same thing because, well, I would be under. I told them I knew it would be me who would move my body from one table to the other when the surgery was over, that I was going to be strapped to the table, and that I was going to be given a medication that would make me forget most if not all of what happened to me including the conversation I was having... again, obviously, it didn't, but the meds did erase from there on, I did hear them say we're giving you some medication now, then I remember the tube being removed (not inserted) but not if it hurt or not... after a while, I remember seeing Frank (boyfriend) next to me saying it's okay, calming me, I saw Gigee and Bonnie also, but they were sitting, Frank stood beside my bed. I went back to sleep, woke again with a hug from Gigee saying she had to go because her son called, fell asleep again, woke when Frank had to leave (he goofed and scheduled something that evening) fell back asleep, woke, saw a bear with a red boa on my bed, thought I was dreaming, went back to sleep...
Dr. Gail Wynn, my surgeon, telling Bonnie, Gigee, and Frank that I was doing well.
My boyfriend Frank
Pictures of me in my room, before I was alert.
The bear with the red boa was real. It is Diva Bear, and I named her Diva because of the card that came with her. Bonnie and Gigee bought her for me. She plays "I wanna be loved by you" and dances around a bit while looking as sultry as a teddy bear can in her red feather boa... She was also known as the touring bear. Aparantly, while I was in surgery, Bonnie and Gigee got a little bored and walked around posing Diva in various places in the hospital and taking her picture... yes, pictures to come... let me get through typing my surgery experience first will ya? geesh, impatient.
Diva Gigee holding Diva Bear
Diva Bonnie holding Diva Bear
Diva Bear on her tour...
The day after surgery I had an early morning visit from Frank who told me about the traveling bear and introduced me to her. I loved it and laughed... then told him the surgeon said if I did as I was told, walked, kept liquids down, etc... that I'd be discharged the next morning... takes a very special doctor to look good in a suit AND in his scrubs... but Dr Peters pulled it off... very attractive man. Well, I went on to ice chips around noon... don't remember why I had to wait until noon, but I did. Then once every 2 hours they managed to get me my one oz of liquid. The first nurse was kind about it, at least let me look like I was having a drink, the second, she put it in a small measuring cup... for crying out loud, give me some dignity! The next morning, they gave me a tray and said, no more than an ounce an hour. But they also started me on the Tylenol and took away my morphine... I want the morphine back... it make me sleep.
We tried me on my c-pap in the hospital also, I'm off it for a week or so until I'm a bit farther in the healing process, and then only to be attempted with supervision. When they put it on me, my pulse dropped, my blood pressure dropped, and I near puked. The machine is clean, nothing wrong with it... but the air on the back of my throat caused a gag reflex that was a LOT less than pretty and made me feel like I was going to die... I couldn't even remove the mask I was instantly so ill... I was so scared I was going to vomit and end up back in surgery because I ripped my pouch, I wiggled out of the mask as they handed me a basin and started breathing deeply, trying desperately to not vomit. After discussion with Dr Iragau, it was decided that we wouldn't do that until I'm not quite as raw... that it is the same reflex that makes the tube for breathing hurt so bad... they decided to put me on oxygen if I needed help with breathing which I am happy to say, I didn't.
The next morning, Saturday, I met Dr Iragau who went over what had happened with the c-pap and explained why it happens. He also said I looked good to go home, and said was asking me to take a deep breath... so I did and out came my drain... OUCH! I didn't realize he was going to do it that moment. It wasn't pain pain, but was NOT comfortable, felt like I had been operated on again, and was deserving of the morphine hit I gave myself. There had been some scabbing attached to the tube and it ripped open... he apologised for it, he hadn't seen the scabbing either. So, I sit around waiting for them to take away my morphine and sleep away most of the morning... Once the meds were done I was discharged, and now I'm home.
And since I started squishy pureed foods yesterday, I'm off to have "lunch" it's so weird, this wouldn't even qualify as a snack before, but it's lunch... so off I go.
HUGS... I'll work on the pictures soon.
11:50pm update -- see, I got the pictures, happy now? You should be, I'm happy.
September 9, 2005
Good morning! How are we doing today? Well right? Staying high protein and low carb and walking? Not walking? WHAT? Okay if I weren't only a week out of surgery I'd be over there dragging you to the nearest park, it's a great day to walk so get up and get out!
Now... on to why I'm on the computer and not walking LOL...
Last night my son Donny decided he wanted mommy's attention. He also decided the best way to get it would be to PUSH on my belly right after eating. OUCH!! Then he came right back and did it again, this time hard enough to send tears to my eyes and make me wonder if he singlehandedly killed his mother. My tummy felt like I needed to vomit, the room started turning black, things were spinning around, I wanted to die to end the pain, then the pain from Donny's pushing triggered my fibromyalgia and when that is really bad I start having muscle spasms... this time, in my chest. When I have muscle spasms in my chest, I can't breath! I can't draw a breath because I have no control of my muscles. Fortunately, there are 2 women in the house at this point one herding the kids away, the other trying to figure out how to help me... they couldn't... My son started wailing, trying to get to mama for hugs, they couldn't let him, so the wailing grew, then Hannah started crying (my friend's daughter), then my daughter's started crying, and everyone wanted mama, and no one could have her because she was dying... or so she thought. The women called Frank and brought him into the mix... he knew how to interpret my jagged whisper talk and figured out what was needed. When my chest muscles spasm like that, I need someone to put a pillow on my chest and pressure to slow the movement enough so I can draw a breath (not sure how that was discovered, someone suggested it though) so he held a pillow on my chest while I breathed (FINALLY) I could also speak while the pillow was in place, and told them what was going on as loud as I could...
Well, Sandra spend the night after Sarah drove her home to pick up some things, and the rest is history, I have NO idea how the kids made such a big mess in the bathroom last night, nor do I care, I am just hoping that tonight goes a lot better and that I get rest!!!
Let me tell you, this scared me in a huge way. If I NEVER feel that way again I'll be quite happy!!!
Hugs to all, now you know why I'm not walking too far today, but at least you know I'm walking some right?
September 16, 2005
I had my first post-op visit today and it went well. I'm down to 326! That's 16.4 lbs... the bad news is that I lost all of that the first week out of surgery. Now that I'm eating foods (even mushy ones) I'm not loosing weight. I shouldn't panic just yet, but it still feels like a bit of a let down to lose so much in one week and then stall after only one week. Oh well, I'll lose more, I know I will!
I also get to resume many of my meds for the arthritis... so until then, I'll say goodbye. It is hurting to type this. HUGS!
December 17, 2005
I had a wonderful wow moment last night. I put on a size 26 dress that was feeling quite loose around the middle, nylons that dropped a little, did my hair and makeup, put on some jewlery, and viola, looked in the mirror and saw me as a human and not an overweight whale! I felt so good about myself, so confident... you'd never have guessed I was dreading being at the company Christmas party by myself unless you knew me, and then you'd know that I was terrified.
I'm single, yet again. But it's for the best. I know that deep down, who wants to end up tied down to a man who lies to you and cheats on you right, so despite the weirdness of the situation, I dressed up, looked great if I do say so myself, and went to the party all by myself and had almost a good time, was a bit bored for some of it, and wanted a drink to help loosen up badly, but I haven't had alcohol since surgery and I don't want to do that at an office party the first time I try it. Especially not when I was going to be driving home (and hour each way). Not a good idea, so I stayed sober. Things got a little boring to me when everyone else was pretty drunk though, and it was already 10:30 so I figured I'd head out and see if I can make it home without falling asleep. I did, obviously.
This is a fantastic Christmas gift for me, feeling that good about myself, feeling that alive and attractive again... what's even better is that my friend Sarah, who watched my children so I could go to the party, took pictures of me, so I'm sharing them with you... here ya go! I look forward to feedback!
HUGS!
I felt so beautiful that I had to keep this one big!
I can see the weight loss, can't you? I do still need to work on the belly, the arms, the legs, etc... but overall I'm doing great. I hope you can see the change too!
April 17, 2006
Okay, sometimes we need to be our own best cheerleader, and if I do say so myself, I'm doing a fabulous job with losing weight. If you don't believe me, check for yourself. I have included a surgery day picture for comparison as well as a picture of how I looked YESTERDAY! I have pictures of my children up because they are the joy in my life, and I am trying to get the computer to accept the picture of my "family" which includes Eric... my boyfriend, my love, my treasured joy that fills me with hope in humanity and the future.
I had all but given up on humans as being worth knowing, had decided to live in the shell of an existence created for me by my divorce, gave up on the concept of "happily ever after" because I didn't believe any single man with any value to him would want to be involved with a single mom of three who has such severe health conditions, but God sent Eric to me and I am grateful for every moment I have to spend with him!
I'm still losing weight, starting to research the skin removal process and costs, and concentrating on eating right and getting as much exercise as I can now that I no longer have to worry about everything hurting my pouch. I'm learning to love life again, learning to live each day to the fullest, and learning that it is possible to hope and thrive even when life stinks. Most importantly, to me, I've renewed my relationship with God. I had given Him up when I found out that my husband had cheated on me... but He didn't give up on me! My life has made some amazing and positive changes since renewing that area of my life and I am thankful that I finally realized what I was missing. I only pray that I don't get stupid and go back to where I was... that was not a happy place.
Before I totally lose you or start REALLY preaching... HUGS to all reading this and I love you. Keep in touch!
As promised... Pictures of me (and my loved ones) on Easter Sunday. I want feedback people! HUGS!
April 16, 2006 - Lost 109.9 lbs
Hey! My backside is tolerable now!
Can you believe that even my FACE is getting smaller? I look so young!
My beautiful children - Alyssa (6), Donny (3), and Kayla (4.5)
My family... and our good friend Eric.
August 1, 2006
I recently wrote my testimony out for people to read, and decided to share it with you... hope it touches you.
My Testimony
Much like both of my daughters, I accepted Jesus into my heart at the age of 5. I was lying in the top bunk of the bunk beds that I shared with my younger sister and the thunderclaps and lighting bolts outside were terrifying me. I was lying there crying when my mother came in and reminded me of Jesus’ love and that He died on the cross for me... she led me to Christ that night. He used my fear to bring me to His side but I did not have the maturity or any guidance to help me grow in my faith. I went to church, heard all the stories, sang in the choir, led the youth group, played Mary in the Christmas nativity more times than I can count, went on service projects, volunteered at nursing homes and did everything a “good Christian girl” is supposed to do. There was only one thing missing through it all… I was doing it for me, not for God. No matter what I did or said, God was not part of my life in any way other than church activities on Sunday. Even my prayers were designed to be speeches in front of a group rather than communicating with my Savior. I believed in God and the sacrifice Jesus made for me, but I never let Him have my life.
After graduation from HS, I went away to college and became involved in a Bible study group. I tried to figure out on my own how to put God into my life. It didn’t work then either. I didn’t allow God to work in me; I tried to do it on my own. I ask you, how on earth can you become like Christ without looking to Him and getting to know Him? I don’t know either, but it is exactly what I and so many try to do. When trials hit, (and I won’t get into the details of those trials although if you’d like to know, feel free to ask me), it is no wonder that I couldn’t hold on to God’s love and promises - they were not part of my life. I completely gave up on my faith and refused to date Christian men because all the Christian men I had known had hurt me in some form. I attempted suicide more times than I care to admit. I stated openly that God couldn’t exist because a God of love would not allow so much suffering in one person’s life. I got married to my college sweetheart and we had a child together at which point we decided to attend church. We became members of a church that did not approve of my attire, did not understand my health concerns and did not show Christian love as a church and my faith dwindled even more. My husband and I found a new church to attend and I was happy there, but I was in another “good Christian girl” phase, doing what I knew to be right but not really believing it. While part of that congregation, my second child was born and the discovery of my husband’s adultery made. The leadership of the church told me that I could not have a divorce and that I needed to stay with my husband no matter what, even while he hit me and forced me into marital relations with him against my will. I tried to stay with the marriage and do what was right, but I could not. After 3 years of “holding on” I gave up the fight for my marriage and filed for divorce. When I did that, the church leadership told me I had made a mistake and had no right to leave my marriage; that I was as bad as he was despite his continued affairs and abuse. At that time I was diagnosed as being disabled and was condemning myself and my children to a sub-poverty level existence. The church turned their back on me and I was gossiped about to a point where I couldn’t attend a service without hearing something negative about me. I stopped attending church and so did my children.
I didn’t care anymore. Why should I keep trying when every attempt I made was met with failure? Why should I bother doing anything other than simply exist for the sake of the children, paying bills, making meals, changing diapers… that wasn’t a blessing through marriage, only a chore. My existence was pain. My whole purpose for being was to hurt and endure an incredible amount of pain. I knew no matter what pain was in my life, and I should just get used to it. At some points, I went out of my way to try to cause others pain. I got involved with a man who was emotionally abusive and I didn’t care as long as someone was there to fill the void I had in my life and didn’t harm my children. I started viewing my children as a burden, a chore and a task instead of the pleasures and blessings that they really are. I didn’t take the children to church but I did plan to homeschool them with Christian materials. For some reason, even though I didn’t believe I felt my children should. I was dabbling in witchcraft, learning what I could about it and trying “simple” spells. I had discovered that there are men who appreciate overweight female figures and learned to manipulate these men to do what I wanted. The list of atrocities can go on and isn’t the point of this testimony. The point is, I was about as far from God as a person could get when I decided that I needed to either give God a chance again or end my life. I went to the New Year’s Eve Luau after saying “Okay God, this is your last chance; if no one is nice to me tonight I won’t be alive in the morning.”
Obviously, many of you have met me since then and know that I am very alive so I was actually shown kindness. Some of the patterns developed remained. I was attending church, for the kids. Easter was more about the clothes than the meaning. Although I was dating a wonderful Christian man whom I love dearly, I was trying to use him to fill the void in my life, trying to use the same manipulative ploys on him that I had used before. God kept me from committing suicide. However, I tried run my life on my own. I tried to “play” Christian and put on the show for the crowd, etc… but God was STILL not part of my life. I fooled myself into believing that going to church and dating a Christian man who wanted to help me raise my children and having a decent job in a place surrounded by Christians made me a Christian. I was wrong.
I'm just starting to realize that dieting isn't helping me and am calling my primary doctor soon to ask him about surgery. I don't know hospital information yet or anything. Looking for people to talk with.
My surgical consultation is sched