sydneyto

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Interestingly enough my insurance is open to the idea of Gastric sleeve and taking out this stupid band, i call it stupid because

my port keeps getting stuck under my rib cage and it HURTS! (it actually might be scar tissue,either way it hurts)

The Girls at Dr. Billy's office must think i'm a total nut job. i flipped flopped back and forth on the RNY and GS i think i heard him say he does not do DS soooo,

i think the office is getting the insurance requirements for both surgeries.. the more i read the more i do not want the RNY, but would do the GS ???

we shall see,

 

Good thing is this is day 12 of me back at exercising, and it feels good i'm putting either 40' on the ET or 2x20' on the ET everyday

in another week i think i will do 20'ET and 20"floor weights and bands!

for some reason this exercise thing helps clear my head  when it comes to my Mom dying last month.  I have don't better about just breaking down in public or work when i get over whelmed

but, i also, have seem where if i hold it in too long i tend to unload on every body, with swift anger then pure grief  *sigh*

everyone says it will get better, man i hope so for the people around me 

 

even with the exercise my weight it still up, i will take some measurements again in a few days, maybe that will tell another story?

Sorry, i apologize to my fellow community for letting this fall to the weigh side......

obviously this community works if you stay in it... as i have not and i am no longer successful..

for the last year i have had 6 surgery having to do with Rheumatoid  arthritis complications, peticeal hemorrhages hundreds of them on my legs and

11 that turned into eruptions that would not heal for 3 months even had to have surgery to stimulate tissue growth.....

then finding out that i have latent TB so until i clear that up 6months to 2 years  i'm on month 6, i can't treat the RA  *sigh*

 

i need to get the weight off to easy the pressure on my legs so i don't hve more eruptions and can work out to keep my legs stronger!!

i now have a host of medical issues and medications  even with my weight i do not have high blood pressure, i do not have diabetes, i do not have high cholesterol

hard to believe but my dr  says diabetes is in my future i eat very good, primal style very little processed foods....but, i'm a volume eater....i never get or feel full ever!!

 

my Mom died 31 days ago and my life is shattered she was my best friend i have a loss so deep inside me that i don't think will ever get filled......and this 18 pound weight gain since she died

is not the answer, i need to get my food under control.. and find ways to heal my heart when it comes to my Mom. Hard to do somedays when i see my Dad they were married 60 years

they have been together since they were 13,  my Dad is so lost

 

i'm here to take my life back, take back my control, seek and EXCEPT HELP.. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET OTHERS INTO MY LIFE

THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME, i need help, i need friends i need a community to let me know i'll be okay and that i'm not alone

i love OH

sydney

as i write *failure* i nearly cried......
i have just gave up my band is useless...i can eat everything and as much as i want
nothing phases me....
i started at 231 and i'm sitting at 198  being 4'11'' that's alot of weight.

then i had to see my band Dr. Dr. Billy.....he had lots to say and he really changed the way i was looking at things..
I'm not a failure it's been it's been 2years and 6 months since banded and i  still weigh
30 pounds less than when i started....he said i need to stop dwelling on the fact i was up to 60pounds gone

after i got hurt (well more knee hurt) during my marathon in November i can barely walk
and have had zero work outs because of it.. he said stop dwelling on being hurt you ran a marathon

my total kneereplacent is on July 24th i can't wait to be out of pain
the pain knaws at me 24./7
i did start doing pilates on a reformer it is AWESOME! not really for dropping weight but
gaining muscle is perfect i can suck my gut in all the way! my waist is 4in smaller and i havn't lost a single pound!

Dr. Billy is going to take out my lap band on Sept. 7th  (theres that failure word again)
but, at the same time he's trying to get my covered for the VSL.....
i haven't really read up on the gastric sleeve... and it is not as  severe as by-pass....all thought is should just
bite the bullet and do it.....
i'm 49 years old...my health is going to fail at some point  just like my joints have started...

off to the forums to read up!
sydney

and yes i will post a picture tonight finally!

so after  2years and 8 months of fighting the system and
gaining another 15 pounds (15 not to bad for nearly 3 years)

i'm going to pay cash for my lap-band.......and i'll get it as early as dec 8th
thanks 14 days away

i'm trying not to get excited untill it really happens!!
tell ya more later

so here it is again Septmber and i haven't got my surgery
at this point and i'm sure the insurance company knows
how desprate people are to lose weight they hope you'll
go off and pay for it your self......i'm at  that point,

had my daughter not been killed 14 weeks ago, i would have had the money
but, but we spent so much money on her, that  well, there is notmuch left.......
( she was 20 and we live in a town where every body knows everybody.....
there were over 350 pople at her funeral  we knew it was going to be big and we didn't
want to let the friends down and get there chance to grieve.....)

so here i am another 17 pounds in the last 14 weeks...i knew it would happen i'm an
emotional eater......now i just need to start all over again
live as if my weight is the only thing important in  my life just so i can lose
40 pounds so i can bend over and tie my shoes  without passing out.....

what a whinner today huh?

why i do this to myself is crazy................

i was denied by my insurance company yet again.....
even joined a contest for a free lap band.....and i didn't win.. :(

now i'm starting an appeal case with Walk Linstrom, while that is great i'm having the same problem

i'm so over weight and it's painfull and yet i'm scared to lose ANY WEIGHT in fear
that i will get denied yet again............my BMI is 45, i know i could lose a good 25 plus pounds and still
qualify yet, i'm scared

very very misrable.....................
sydney

Monday is here again and i get count another week gone
without any surgery news.......
i'm down 4 pounds which is great, i need the relief.

everytime i lose weight it seems i have more self sabatoge thoughts like
very few people lose weight on their own and keep it off, weight watchers, jenny craig
diet pills shots you name it every commercial says 'results not typical' when someone
loses all their weight???

there is so much money being made off of over weight deprate people like me
there are somany 'risks' with WLS..why would you do it.....i say why wouldn't you
look at all the risks there are if you don't

it's almost as if the insurance compnys make so much more money off
of over weight people in so many other ways why  would they
let people get the surgery

i've thought this about cold medicine too
we can put a man on the moon yet we don't have a cure for the common cold
I SAY WE DO BUT WHY WOULD THEY TELL ANYONE...
look how many cold remidy companies would go out of bussiness

i just want my surgery
i have been working at losing weight since i was 9 years old
37 years of fucking dieting
being made fun of
being left out
disappointing my mother day after day
eating sugar free ice cream whent he rest of my family got regular
how many times do i have to hear someone say 'your going to eat all that?'
you know how hard it is to find triple Xtra large for some one who is 4'11''

any why are cheap fat peoples clothes so ugly
and really if there was answer to weight loss..really don't you
think OPRAH would be thin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
with her money??

i seem sad,
not sure if the saddness is from thinking about my life passing me by
because i felt too fat to get out there
or i STill think i'm to fat to get out there...i'm so tired of being alone....

being alone sucks....i can remember a time when i liked it, is that deniel?
i guess so

i'm trying, i eat right, i workout i walk, on most days i eat to many cals
i guess the worst part is when i'm not liking myslef i drink beer
drunk is better than alone LOL.....

what a waste of life i am....

how can one be not fat enough????????

how come not being about to wipe my butt is not on the insurance forms
for a reason to have surgery?

really 4'11'' and 227 pounds is not fat enough since in march 2007 and beofre that march 2006
i drop some weight (ya i know i lost weight) and fell below the BMI min. by a few tenths..
so i don't quilify.........

i don't have diabetes YET....
i do work out
i try and eat right, NO  I DO EAT RIGHT
i just eat too damn much, i hate myself everyday
because i never feel full, everyone around me and thanks mom
for not believing in me...i don't feel full
i want too..really i do

i'm at the point where i should just get a personal loan and have it done,
but that means i no longer will be able to buy a house if i do that

i'm alone it's just me, i have to get myself a place to live and grow old in
i don't want to live in a  apartment all my life,  if i wasn't so scared to go out and find a man
but, what man dates fat women... i know there out there i'm not trying to hurt any ones feels but
where are they? really
living alone is hard enough i'm special i get alone and fat.....

i know this sounds bad, i'm just so  at a loss, how many times can they say no.....
how come it is okay for all these pill, jenny craig, weight watchers companies can make millions and millions
and billions of dollars off of fat people knowing that  it will only work on 3% of the poeple
and most of the US is obese?????????????????????

if it is killing so many people almost as many as ciggerettes.....then why
is no one doing anything about it....

enough of my pitty party...
sorry
sydney

i'm so ready to  start...i know that the insurance company is going to come
up with something to make me wait, i never get the easy way
around things ( LOL) , it seems i have to work for every little thing i get.

that might be a pitty party showing it's ugly head...
i'm just ready to do something about my weight now!
and be successful at it and keep it off and not look back ever...
i come back later and be more positive when i blog...
syd